Why are they so stubborn?

If you find an answer let me know!! It is just unbelievable how stubborn my mother also is. She is sooo afraid of being old and instead of enjoying her age she fights it by refusing to see reality!! And she expects me to fix the issues.
my mother told me she plans to live at least another ten years. That would make her 93 and me 70. I literally walked away and started to cry! I can’t imagine the thought of spending next ten years in this situation. I am frickin old myself 🤦🏻‍♀️
good luck!!!

Vent away. ❤

Teethgrinder65,

I'm guessing it's the same reason my parents would not listen to my sister and I and move into a nice senior community; she is telling you that she is unwilling to accept that she is old. I think it is their way of keeping themselves at the last point in life that they feel control over. They know what they have right now and they might complain (and you know they are miserable!) but they are still in control. My parents fought us until the fall came, then the ambulance, then one went into a nursing home for physical therapy and the other had to follow because they would not live alone. It really stinks watching them fail. Everyone told me, something will happen. Well, it will but it may take time. Do what you can to keep your sanity, sometimes the "thing that will happen" takes longer than expected. Explain to her now that she wants to be the one to choose where she goes next. My parents did not listen to us and now they are in a nursing home that they do not like. We waited three years for the "thing to happen". Reality is sometimes worse than your fears. Try to get her to plan her future.

Good luck. It's hard to watch someone struggle when you know that things could be SO much easier. As I was told by Adult Protective Services, "they have a right to do what they want even if it isn't safe." Very sad but true in most places.

I copied this, framed it and hung it on my wall. Bravo!

You should call me. We have the same problems with our mother. Or email me at carlakooij@verizon.net

It is very tough. The best thing to do is to have the "favored child" be the one who pitches the idea to them. If there is no "favored child", then try to soften your approach.

The issue is one of pride, independence, loneliness and confidence.

To use a walker or a cane, means that they are getting old. I'd suggest that a condition of leaving the house is to use the walker or a cane. Regarding walkers, one cannot have rugs on the floor with a walker (that can be an issue). Using a cane with walkers, runs the risk of the cane slipping. If your Mom doesn't have the strength to be able to get off the floor, that is another reason why she doesn't want to use a cane or walker inside the house. If that is the issue, have her get some help from PT to strengthen her abs. She can do exercises that will help her be more confident in her ability to walk and stand.

There are also rollators, walkers with wheels. The key though is that your Mom has to have the strength to squeeze the hand brakes. There are some that come with seats. Walking at least a mile several times a week, will help build and keep up the abs. There are some rollators that flex side-to-side so that it can be used in narrow spaces, like between tables in a restaurant.

Not wearing hearing aids? Well, that is something that many of us who have hearing aids understand. Hearing aids can be ill-fitted, run out of battery, blocked with ear wax, extra noisy, lose peripheral hearing, etc. If your Mom uses batteries for her hearing aids, one must wait 5 minutes for the battery to get fully charged, else the battery has less or no life. Blocked with ear wax? About every 90 days, there is a thing that needs to be changed out. If it is clogged, no sound and having the hearing aid is useless. Even then, if voices are too loud, the hearing aid will muffle the noise so that the words are not understandable. Occasionally, I get feedback on my voice, which makes it hard for me to communicate. My mother resorted to wearing her hearing aid only one side, as that side gets the sound and the other side lets you hear peripheral noises.

Grumbling and b****ing all the time? Well, that is a double edge sword but they don't know it. The grumbling and b****ing can happen for a number of reasons. Some of which are: 1) their world is smaller, hence every little thing makes a difference and if it doesn't happen the way they expect, that is a problem. 2) They are lonely and crave attention, hence they have found that grumbling makes people listen to them and give them the attention (or respect) that they desire 3) People misunderstand what they want or patronize them 4) They don't hear correctly what the other person said 5) They have always been this way 6) Some people believe that anything can always be improved, therefore, they are always complaining and are never content.

My suggestion here is to get your Mom out and help her find another circle of friends or be with other people. Nothing helps b**chiness more than watching someone else be a pain-in-the-a**. Maybe senior day care?

Stairs? These are actually good for people as it builds up their abs and coordination. However, for a nice sum of money, one can get a stair escalator/elevator. However, I'm sure she wouldn't use it unless she is b*tching about it. Make sure the handrail is solid. My Mom had little to no strength in everywhere except her legs (she walked) and arms (from pulling herself up stairs at the places she visited). She never fell from the stairs, although my sister held her breath every time. They gave her a downstairs area to sleep, however, my Mom would always find a reason to go up the stairs.

A therapist for you could help you come up with ideas on how to deal with your Mom.

I'm running out of space. Deep breaths! (((HUGS)))

P.S. As you get older, your brain no longer works at warp speed...

Yes mine made incredibly stupid choices too which have caused undue stress to me and my sisters. I frankly am very angry about it all and doubt I will ever get past it to think well of them after they are gone. I am beyond disgusted.

I can only hope to not make the same mistakes. Hope I don’t live as long as they are and it is a moot point.

Sigh... it is so sad that this happens all too often. I feel your pain and frustration. I BEGGED my mother to take her high blood pressure and diabetes medications. I implored her to monitor her blood sugar. She wouldn't do it. I had diabetes before her (runs rampant in Dad's family). I explained ad nauseum what would happen if she kept eating the way she was especially without proper medication. She didn't listen. Now she has vascular dementia. It was ENTIRELY due to her being medically non-compliant.

She wouldn't heed my warnings to professionally clear out her level 4 hoarded apartment. She wouldn't do any estate planning, including a Durable Power of Attorney. Her excuse? "You and your brother will get all my money when I die!" I asked "What if you get ill and can't take care of your affairs?" She wouldn't have a clear response. Just kept deflecting.

This will be on many a Silent Generation, Boomer and even my fellow GenXers tombstones: "I will die in service to my ego." And "Pride goeth before Destruction."

IT. IS. ENTIRELY. ABOUT. CONTROL. Along with a healthy dose of denial.

My advice? Pick your battles. Like someone else said, just move the damn washing machine and dryer. If she doesn't like it... TOUGH. You're tasked with helping her, and that would make your very difficult life simpler.

The other stuff? Just expect to feel like the Greek Goddess Casandra and know that though you KNOW what is going to happen and you can back it up with facts, she will not listen. Many parents cannot STAND the idea that the roles are reversing.

And what is the most ironic part of it is, that by not listening to the advice and heeding the warnings, the very thing they did NOT want - loss of control, is what they wind up bringing on themselves.

Now some people had a good laugh saying that many parents said they would NEVER do what their parents did (i.e. not use the hearing aid), but wound up doing it anyway. And that there's a good chance we could do the same.

I think there is one possible way to prevent this...maybe.

PLAN EARLY. PLAN WHILE YOU'RE HEALTHY AND HAVE A SHARP MIND.

Get long term care plans in place. Exactly what you'd like to happen. That is what I'm going to be working on this year. Of course, the success or breadth of this depends on your financial and personal situation. But find a plan that works for you in terms of where you'll live, what kind of help you'll get. Get all your estate planning done with a good elder care attorney. My husband is now on at-home hospice, but we got our estate planning done beforehand. Just to make sure, we did a consultation with my mom's lawyer to make sure we or the other law firm didn't miss anything. We were 90% there. I have to make a slight change to my will. And we made sure that there are designated beneficiaries on ALL of my husbands insurance, investments, etc. This is to avoid any of his creditors trying to go after an estate. With the will and the beneficiaries in place, we'll most likely avoid having to probate anything. Hence, no estate, and nowhere for some creditors to put their grubby, greedy little fingers.

Despite my mom's bad decisions, we were able to come up with a halfway decent situation for her at home, while protecting her assets. My brother and I would NEVER have been able to know or figure any of that out without our elder care attorney.

Maybe the Acorn stairlift will help?
Get repairs needed done so house can be sold. Get someone to help declutter & clean . Hugs 🤗

You are 100% correct, nothing wrong with getting older.
Realizing comfort is important and safety should come first above anything else.
But, as many can attest, nobody or anything can prevent some events.
Perhaps if not you then maybe somebody else like professional can convince your Mom some changes and adjustments are necessary.
My GF goes thru that struggle right now, Mom with dementia, Dad stubborn etc.
And they need ramp and rails and so on, they just don’t want to spend any money. She is going to engage Social Worker and occupational therapist to explain to them and adresses those needs.

I can relate to your experience. However, sometimes changing could make someone feel unsafe and uncomfortable , even though you think it's for better. My dad didn't like using a walker. He said when pushing it harder, it moved too fast or stuck. He didn't like hearing aid either, because it amplified the noise as well.

Maybe she can not help it ! She my be sliding down the slippery slope of dementia. If that is the case, it won’t get any better… I know what it feels like when you want the best for a loved one and they refuse. Six years ago I was ready for him to fall off the face of the earth . .. I took everything that happened as personal . The way I was treating him led me to a caregivers meeting and the first thing I learned was . “ His BRAIN was BROKEN “ . So my significant other of 33 years is dealing with dementia that is aggravated with something called Anosagnosia.. He is 80 years old . We are together these last 5 years 24/7. He was a man with a masters degree who taught high school over 30 years . He was a wrestling coach and referee for years , had a landscape business and much more .. His passion was golf and he was pretty good at it …He lives in a different reality now and because of the Anosagnosia he believes there is nothing wrong with him. It’s no denial , it’s a real thing .. Things he used to be able to do, he can no longer do.. It is not because he WON’T do those things , It is because CAN’T.. He is resistant to change. His cognitive abilities are gone and he does not believe he needs help. I get the “LOOK” when I tell he shouldn’t be raking because he might fall . I am after him all the time to use a walker ( we have 2) and get the “Look” again . He has fallen 4 times in the last month . He is 256# and not easy to get up .
He is resistant to any suggestion I give him. In his reality , I am always wrong , I am the one with a problem .Your mom might also be dealing with some cognitive issue. What has helped me a lot has been attending caregivers meetings. There is so much to think about . The second most important thing I learned was to take care of myself .. I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with and that is all anyone can expect of me . Prayers are with you .

TeethGrinder65: There is no reason or rational thinking to some elders, i.e. 'the use of a cane makes the person look old.' Pshaw!!

Can relate to so much of this. My mom refuses to admit, at 84, there'll likely come a time soon she'll need nursing care. She saved not one dollar for retirement and just had to sell her house - my guess is she'll make a poor decision on where to live just like a million other poor decisions. But it's like others here say. You can't make them do things. I'm just planning myself on what to do since I can't get Mom to talk to me about any of it. It'll probably Medicaid at some point which could have been avoided if Mom had let go of some control... it's exhausting.

I totally understand I’m in the same boat. Electric wiring shorting out.
mum refuse’s everything.
proud and defiant.
fridge broke refuse to replace it had to get her out of the house for two hours so we could get a new one it.
I’m not her fairy godmother to wave a magic wand . She refuse’s everything
i desperately need her to go into a nursing home. I’m leaving with her 27/7 because she needs help with everything. Refuse’s shower clothing needs changing and bedding .
why I don’t get it either .

My soon to be 95 year old mother who is falling apart physically, uses a walker, has a pacemaker and is using oxygen periodically during the day is complaining about having to have the free aide that hospice is supplying for 3 hours in the afternoon, 5 days a week, she says she does not need her.

My sister and the nurse told her she does not have a choice. She has to stay. She is in absolute denial about her dire situation. And no she does not have dementia.

I really hope I will have the grace to realize my limitations if I get to the point where she is.

My mother is 90. Last year we put her in AL with the understanding she could leave in a month if she didn’t want to stay. The AL agreement permitted this. My mother had anxiety and control issues all her life. When I was young she was 5’7” and weighed 109 pounds because she forgot to eat.
She was as diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depression Disorder in the AL. She told her neighbors in AL “ I lived in a 3 bedroom house and I controlled everything “.
Treating emotional issues is very difficult. Members of my mother’s generation chose to be strong and not be labeled as crazy.
Now with the help inAL (both medication and counseling) she is making friends and seems much happier.
People are living a lot longer with a lot more physical and emotional needs. As has been said before, “I’m not doing this to my kids.” I pray we are able to do this.

omg it was like I wrote this “vent” myself! I live this daily, too, but my mom is now in assisted living and voicing that she hates everything and no longer wants to live. I continually try to make her more comfortable and learned to only supply/purchase/provide what SHE expresses would help; just to have her complain and not want or use them. I get it’s her choice and I express I’ll support her in any decision but DAMN it’s exhausting when she determined to be miserable no matter what!

I think it is sheer terror. The terror of knowing you are not what you used to be 5 or 10 years ago begets the "don't change anything, don't get anything new." The reality is the fear that you may not be able to cope with or understand anything new (yeah.... even the chair). And the generation that is now hitting 90 saw the tail end of the great depression; they remember their parents talking about how they lost everything so this group is not throwing anything away.... even if they can't remember what they used it for.
I know that some parents feel like their children should lay down their lives for them but I'm not sure if that is true for others who just may be locked so tightly in their own little world of fear, they no longer see or care what it is doing to their children.
Doesn't really give you an answer to the problem but it's just my thoughts of having observed residents and family members for over 10 years as an Administrator and reflecting on my own activities as I age. Getting old takes more courage than I ever imagined. Gives me new and additional respect for my Mom and others in their 90s.