I'm 54 years old (he's 82) and I always dread being around my dad. Never thought my 50s would be this way. And no...I was not abused as a child, but I've always hated being around my dad. It's nothing but stress when I'm around him. And my brother feels the same way. Why should a daughter and son feel this way???
Why are you nervous around Dad, maybe because you really never knew how he would be at any given moment. Your always waiting for that shoe to drop. I have a SIL who I thinks suffers from a personality disorder. Her family had an intervention a few years back. I think she is really trying to overcome some of the ways she treats people, but after 40 years of her condensation and sneakiness, I sit there just waiting for the shoe to drop. She just did a good thing for us, but there is just that feeling that it was for a reason that she will benefit from.
Remember, that having POA does not mean you need to be there all the time or take Dad in or go live with him. With ur history you really should never physically care for him. You do not need to be at his beck and call. You responsibility is representing him when he can no longer do for himself. Carry out his wishes or make decisions based on how he would handle it. When his money runs out, you are not responsible to use your own. You get him on Medicaid if he needs care in a NH.
Boundries...his Dementia is going to keep him from understanding boundaries so u set them for yourself. You do not need to visit everyday. You do not need to take any abuse. Right now, he needs you more than u need him.
It was hell, I will say that. I'd get a thread of a memory and walk/talk through it. AT first I thought "this couldn't POSSIBLY have happened to me and I didn't remember'..but as I talked and worked through it, turns out it coincided with memories that my sibs had at the hands of the same abuser. Timelines and such lined up so well that I then KNEW what had happened. Plus, the biggie, my mother being SO INSISTENT that my OB couldn't possibly have done what I was accusing him of doing...that was the last nail in the coffin. She KNEW and KNEW for years, and did NOTHING. To this day she blames me for everything--when she's in a mood, she brings up how my distancing myself and my children from my OB caused a rift in the family.
So, while I'm not saying you were or weren't abused, there is something there--our subconciouses are like filing cabinets. Everything is in there, you just need to find the key.
Sexual Abuse and Physical Abuse.
Maybe even more prevalent is Emotional Abuse, Mental, Psychological abuse is just as harmful as Physical and Sexual abuse. (Maybe even more so since it is less obvious)
So I beg to differ with your statement that you were not abused as a child. You are still being abused as an adult.
Please talk to someone, a professional about this. It will help.
I would minimize contact and as soon as he starts putting your brother down, tell him you are not going to tolerate it and leave.
If he begins yelling tell him you are not going to be talked to that way and leave.
Because of the dementia this may have no effect on him but it will get you out of the situation.
Also so what you have to remotely this will help minimize contact
You are not going to change him.
You can change how you react to him.
Tell, rather suggest to your brother that he do the same thing.
You need to think back, do some reflection and soul searching in order to answer your own question. If you need help doing it, find a good therapist, it will be worth it. Once you know why you react the way you do, then you can start addressing the real problems and grow from there.
EDIT to add - Just now read your reply to budleofjoy. So, you DO know why you get nervous around him.
What is your real question then? Are you just venting? I am betting not everyone gets intimidated by your dad. There are those who see him for his true self and they are not impressed by his accomplishments or his put-downs of others. You can be one of those people, but that takes growing and maturity.
Here's a hint. People like your dad are very insecure and have fragile egos. They have to put others down so that they can feel good about themselves.
Your dad may have impressive accomplishments, but he is incapable of having kindness, incapable of showing love, thus he is incapable of feeling loved. I bet inside he always feels inadequate and unloved. Instead of being afraid of him, you should pity him.
there are some people in my life, whom i also feel stressed-out with, when i spend time with them.
1 person in my family (not a parent), in particular.
the person has never abused me.
but i always felt nervous around this person. i didn't know exactly why.
the person wasn't particularly unfriendly. actually quite friendly, maybe a little cold.
and then, a scenario came out, that really showed the true colors of this person.
the person is AWFUL.
and now i understand why i was nervous around them.
an awful person.
and yes, verbally abusive.
i saw the person's real character.
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regarding your father, it's definitely not normal to dread being around him. "dread" is a very strong word.
there must be something he does/says -- which maybe borders on abusive?
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none of us feel nervous around kind, loving, caring, thoughtful, uplifting people. on the contrary, we want to spend as much time as possible with such people!
hugs!!
Yes...I guess, I've seen my dad's true character lately...since a medical event a couple years ago. But, even before that, I would get nervous around him. He's intimidating. Only talks about himself...his accomplishments, etc. And yet, he'll put my brother down...to me...behind my brother's back. He has never shown my brother any kind of loving support, encouragement, etc. My brother has never been good enough for dad. So, I guess I wonder what he says behind my back at times. And I'm his POA...so I feel like it's always a "business" meeting rather that a father daughter visit. And if things don't go his way, etc., he yells at me. I hate conflict and avoid it at all costs. My mother passed away almost 12 years ago and I'm beginning to realize the things she went through behind our backs with dad. And even in front of us, he never complimented her. Always made her feel "less than". Wish I had realized how bad it was for her before now. He never physically abused her...but, the more my brother and I think about it, he mentally abused her to a point. And yet people on the outside of our family say "we just adore your dad." But, his own siblings don't even keep in touch with him any longer because he's so unpredictable.