We feel every ache and pain, see to every infection, bout of pneumonia, nutrition needs, bathrooming needs, etc., with people who can, sometimes, only be described as extremely difficult to get along with. Every daily need is seen to in an effort to prolong lives that would have already been over without us. So we stretch out the years for them...years spent doing nothing, sometimes in some trance-like state.
I think this may be far too existential a forum for such a question but what is the value of all of this?
life -
Yes i also wanted my dad back to where he had been - but that just wasn't going
to happen and this was the new normal in our lives. It only lasts for so long - and we grieve the person they were. There will come a time - I do know what you are feeling.
When, three days running, my Mom, who lived an hour from where I lived and worked, had an "emergency" that demanded my immediate presence, I sat her down and said "I can't do this anymore".
Can't do what? she wanted to know.
"Respond to your emergencies. Which are not really emergencies. I'm going to lose my job and your son (favorite child) is going to die of a heart attack responding to this stuff; we need to figure out how you're going to live somewhere so that you have people around who can respond to these things".
She was terribly upset, but we stuck to our guns and got her moved, first to AL then to a nice Independent Living place. Mom thrived there, although she was not a social person.
It also helped that she started being seen by a geriatric psychiatrist who got her anxiety under control.
we have choices ... both difficult/both "bad" ... so we need to look down the road and try to pick the one we hopefully will regret least in the future.
Sometimes we need to be caring and understanding and helpful and tho it may extend a life that doesnt seem like a good one at least we know we have made it better for another person.
So we do the best we can and come here where people understand and are supportive.
Medical science has made so many advances over the years but along with these advances now comes a whole new set of problems for seniors, the worst in my opinion, dementia. Right now my family is experiencing 4 of our loved ones with this horrible disease. My aunt (92) is not expected to live more than a few days now, my uncle (96) who we feel will shortly be following her, my father (94) and now my husband who is only 71 is also beginning this terrible journey with a vascular dementia diagnosis just recently.
Yes the 3 older family members have enjoyed a wonderful long life but I know had they been able to predict the end of life they are experiencing now they would rather have passed on years ago.
Many of us have been fortunate enough to secure our future financially but what good is that when our minds start to fail us? What kind of living arrangements do we have to look forward to? Our governments have not looked after our seniors in the past, present and I predict, the future.
I, for one, am very scared of what is to come.
So I, as her sole POA, didn’t “try so hard”, and we (her tenacious family) were all Blessed by a residential care center that DID appreciate US, just by the luck of the draw.
We chose her residence because we’d originally been forced to admit her there on a moment’s notice (thrown out of her hospital bed after she was “cured” a week after hip surgery), and found to our amazement that the rehab staff was able to get her to DO stuff. Then after living with me for 9 unsuccessful months, when she again had to be placed on literally a day’s notice, they had a bed for her and we took it.
I think I actually never expected, or looked, for “appreciation”. My mother was a tough cookie with a heart of gold, wracked by anxiety her whole life, and I was used to that when she was well, and continued to admire and cherish her foibles when she became dependent on me.
Although I too thought I’d die of exhaustion while we were living through the end of her life, I treasure the little joys that were hers through her family AND her care team.
She died at 95, and we still have contact with some of the staff members who were so good to her.
I am not dragging them through what I have been and still am going through as a perpetual caregiver since 2003. In the meantime, without having that talk about mortality and what our relatives’ individual decisions are, our hands are tied. And as it has been pointed out, at the very least you won’t be guilt ridden after they have passed. You know, hospice discontinued my parents’ medications except for antibiotics and pain meds. The body is valiant in its struggle to survive.
I believe that there are individuals that the lights are on but nobody is home and to prolong their lives takes resources that could be put to better use. Just my opinion.
None of us want a parent to die but watching my Mom lose her mind and get frailer and frailer was awful. Yes, I think her decline was maybe faster once she was in an AL then a NH. But, I knew having her here longer was not going to bring back my Mom. She was well cared for and passed peacefully.
forum?
Perhaps. I expect there are almost as many answers to the questions of why and to the inherent value of being a caregiver- as there are people who come here.
I have issues with a worldwide medical community that has given and continues to give so much time, money and research efforts to healing heart disease, cancer and other illnesses that we now have a growing population of people who are surviving multiple chronic illnesses only to be left with dementia for a decade or even two not even knowing who they are or who their family is. I doubt anyone in their right mind would consider this to be "quality of life" or would choose to live out their last years this way. If I were diagnosed with dementia, I would not engage in treatment or would stop all treatments for other chronic illnesses. The government funnels funds into research, maybe they can funnel more funds into helping healthy people survive caretaking!
My mother was not hard to get along with and appreciated all that we did for her.
If you are not appreciated, why are you there?
I dont know the answer, I wish I know. I am not appreciated....and I am still there for her.