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As an outsider to this phenomenon (abusive/difficult parents, personality disorders, etc.) I have to just marvel at the strength of the parent-child bond, especially the mother-child bond. It’s scary how powerful it is apparently, even after decades of abuse.
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lealonnie1 Sep 2022
Abusive relationships have THE strongest hold on others out of all of them. Look at the Stockholm Syndrome, for a good example. When manipulative & psychological techniques are used (esp. on children), they're coached to remain loyal to the abuser no matter what. It's ingrained & very hard to break free from. :(
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Being raised by narcissistic parents take a huge toll on children that lives into their adulthood.

The gaslighting has you second guessing your own lived experiences.

When I read Susan Forwards book Toxic Parents in the 1990's, I finally felt I had permission to set boundaries. And I do.

But I live in a smaller community and regularly hear from other people how Mum or Dad is bad mouthing me for holding firm on my boundaries. Even to the point of missed employment opportunities, do to their actions.

But I continue to hold firm.
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lkdrymom Sep 2022
My parents did a lot for my grandmother as my father was afraid of her. My mother would say the woman wouldn't even say hello, she'd just start barking orders from the front door. Yet she would badmouth my parents to the neighbors and they would get dirty looks when they arrived. Funny how the neighbors never actually thought about how they were there often, so they obviously were there doing something for her.
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In my case, when I tried to establish boundaries with my mother, she would change the rules on me, insisting she 'never did that' or 'never said that' and I was 'crazy' for thinking so in the first place: a/k/a gaslighting. Which would lead me to question MYSELF. Was I the crazy one for thinking I needed TO set boundaries down in the first place?

She would cycle through her bag of tricks, blaming me or refusing to accept the blame herself; minimizing my feelings; acting like a victim; saying that I was way too sensitive; or going into a big rage & having a meltdown that I would have 'the nerve' to set down rules of my own.

My mother would often ignore my boundaries altogether because she didn't recognize them as being 'valid'. Or she would constantly test me to see if my boundaries were weak so she could bust through them and say SEE! I knew you were weak and I could get my way! HA!

Setting down and keeping boundaries with certain personality disordered types can be SO exhausting and time consuming that the 'child' gives up eventually. We throw our hands up in surrender and the parent wins, which was their goal all along. Only the strongest survive the onslaught of tricks thrown at them to break down the boundaries they try to install in the first place.

That's why it was SO HARD to establish boundaries with my mother in the first place. She didn't want them, they cramped her style. And her style was ME ME ME ME ME. Only My needs matter, not yours or anyone else's. The world must revolve around ME and your rules prevent that from happening.
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lkdrymom Sep 2022
I get that they wear you down, I'm guilty of that myself. However, after such an incident, I was madder at myself because it would be more work for me than if I held firm...which reinforced me to hold firm the next time.
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I have wondered the same thing. Especially when the Caregivers hold all the cards. Really, at a point, our LOs need us more than we need them. As I have said, I was the oldest, the girl, and the one that tried to please my parents. But seens, unknowingly, I set boundries. Maybe because I can get overwhelmed and as I aged I was more aware of what I would do, what I wouldn't do and what I could and couldn't do.

Yes, I think it must be a conditioning. My parents took no disrepect from us and we followed their rules. But when we turned 18 we were aloud to fly away. Make our own lives. I never remember them saying we needed to be there for them or take care of them in their old age. As much as my MIL kept after my DH to move near her, we never did it. She found out years before that I was #1. Not that he didn't do for his Mom but my wishes overrode hers. And she was a passive-aggressive person but her sons new how to handle her.

Really, how can you be afraid of someone who can no longer do for themselves. I don't think honoring your father and mother meant to be a door mat. As adults, we deserve as much respect as they do. And we should demand it. I like what Burnt said in a responce earlier "Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn". Same with an abusive parent. We can always walk away or say "Not taking anymore abuse, so looks like a NH for you".

I think some of the problem is people go into Caregiving with rose colored glasses on. Those ads on TV make it look like its so easy. Also, some leave themselves vulnerable by leaving jobs and moving in with the parent. How can they walk away when they have given up everything. Options should be looked at before you ever consider doing the caring. Mom moved in with me because that was the only option at that moment. I knew if I sold her house and used her savings, I could get her into an AL for 2 yrs need to get Medicaid. It took 2 yrs but I was able to get her into an AL. I was also able to get her into adult day care why she lived with me. I never planned on being her Caregiver for the rest of her life. I had done for my parents since I was able to. Always the child that was there. So no guilt in placing her.
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