Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I've often wanted an alternative to LO, which is a powerful term and should be used when meant, IMO. We do need an alternative, I agree - a term that means "person I'm caregiving for/to." I haven't been able to think of one...
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
guiltandanger Sep 2019
I agree. I haven't thought of a new term yet either. I can understand the feeling/need for a new term. This may be very small thing, but when I need to buy a birthday card or a Mother's Day card for my own mother, it's difficult to find one that doesn't have sentiments that gush about what a wonderful, caring, mother she is and how she was always there for us, etc. It's not how I feel. It's not how she's treated me for decades (mental and emotional abuse).
(7)
Report
Words are so powerful, aren’t they? I have to admit that I’ve smirked a little when I read “loved one” because this caregiving process isn’t a love generator, is it? So much easier taking care of babies, who will coo and smile and brighten your day AND, more importantly, will progress, not regress. Frequently, I’ve been told that I am “So Blessed” to still have my 94 year old father. 🤦‍♀️ So many people don’t realize that their relationship with their father , doesn’t mirror mine - not everyone had Ward Cleaver as a father.
Your life sounds like an example of why I don’t like the phrase “ what goes around, comes around.” Sounds like you have done all the right things, even when dealing with your own personal tragedies, the loss of a child and desertion of a spouse. Your brother and sister have their own issues and you tried to help and support them to only get kicked in the teeth.
I hope it helps to know others recognize your pain and hope better days are ahead for you.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report
CarlaCB Aug 2019
Pagh8264, your observation "this caregiving process isn’t a love generator, is it?" hits the nail right on the head, at least for me. You can come into it with the best intentions, then get so exhausted, so overwhelmed with all the little problems and needs and demands, and the attitude of your "loved one" which can be can be so critical, demanding, ungrateful, unreasonable. No, it does not generate warm fuzzy feelings. It places enormous stress on relationships, and can ruin what had previously been an amicable, mutually supportive family relationship. It's a love destroyer, even if the love was there once. And in many cases, it wasn't there to start with.
(15)
Report
Thank you for sharing that, (I did not realize that 'LO' was hurtful to some people). I had a crappy relationship with my mother, but it was acceptable to me to describe her as LO. Maybe 'FM' (family member) would be better for you? Sorry for your hardships & admire the great work you do anyway.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
Beatty Sep 2019
Yes I was just thinking FM too - you beat me to it!
(4)
Report
I totally agree with you and have had the same reaction. I used to say "I'm taking care of an unloved one." Equally annoying are those articles that start with the presumption "Of course we all want the very best for our family members..."

People make a lot of assumptions about caregiving, and about family relations in general. Assigning responsibility for care to family members is justified because you love them and you want to do it. And it you don't love them or don't want to do it, then there's something wrong with you since you should love them and want to do it.

It bites. No doubt about it.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

Your only obligation is to you and your children ...until they are 18 yo . Everyone else can leave. & don’t let door hit them on way out. Help your children become independent so they can support themselves. That’s it! Let us know how you are doing. Hugs 🤗
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Sounds like you're in a very rough spot that is not at all enviable.

I would try to let the little frustrations, like the use of LO, flow right over you so that don't add stress to your life over one of those many things that you can not control.

Please take care of yourself, somehow. You need a break. You don't need to care about the crappy people in your life. Don't let them hurt you anymore.

I know, I know - easier said than done. But it's something to work towards!
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

Yet despite not liking them or what they do or don't do, you are, by your caring, showing them love. Love does not mean you have to like them or approve of their life. Love is a verb more than it is an emotion.
Helpful Answer (21)
Report
bigsun Sep 2019
Obligations... Not necessarily involving 'love'
(3)
Report
No good deed goes unpunished. But you can go to bed knowing you did all you could. I bet you feel now you should have just left brother in prison. Your sister, you will never change and you may need (if u haven't already) just step away and let her fend for herself.

You don't say if Mom is still alive. And if so, how she is being cared for. If in someones home, there will, if not already, come a time when she needs more care than you can give. Then it will be time for LTC. No money, apply for Medicaid. Once in nice LTC facility, a lot of burden will be lifted. All their needs met. Other than clothing. Toiletries are provided, Depends, laundry, etc. You just visit.

When all is said and done, you have done your share. The rest of your life is yours. The two unappreciative siblings just write off. You did for them, now its time for them to find their way. I may point them in the right direction but I wouldn't do it for them or care for them. Or, give them money. If they are hungry feed them. Need shoes, clothes buy them.

You have done your time.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Many here already use abbreviations.
Maybe you can try to mentally translate one for your situation when we forget?
Just substitute what the letters stand for, which may vary based on your current frustration level.
DS can be dear, dependent, defective, or da#n.
LO might be limited, linked, Limpet-like, or loathed.

I respect your sense of responsibility.

Remember to use the techniques that work for you and feel free to set aside the ones that don't. Trying to stay positive is effective for many, a sense of humor can work for me, but defining boundaries with family that are semi-functional or worse may only look doable after you've done it (sometimes over and over and over again ... <sigh>).
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
lealonnie1 Aug 2019
Loathed One....love it! .
(17)
Report
Sometimes when we are rubbed raw everything can cause a flare of pain. For most of us when someone we love (or used to love) suffers from an illness that turns them into something unrecognizable we still have that kernel of remembered love to sustain us, those of you who are left holding the bag for people who never were kind or loving or were downright abusive owe them nothing but the absolute minimum we would give to any needy human being (if that). Many of the people who come to the forum with families such as yours will be advised to step away from caregiving, to set boundaries, even to go completely no contact with the toxic people in their lives.
Helpful Answer (16)
Report

It seems to me that giving this amount of loving care to so many who either can not or will not be in any way loving or grateful in return has made you drained, unhappy, angry and hopeless. And your sister as well. I hope it is not that you always feel this way, but that feelings have come in today like a bad weather front and it's looking very stormy.
I am afraid I am missing the gene for "obligation". I have always fully recognized my limitations, and I stay within them. I will never get any nominations for Sainthood; no one will ever pray to me as a fallen Martyr.
It is my one life. I do what I can for people I consider "loved ones" (funny as that phrase is to me since the book and the movie). The doing of what little I am capable of doing has filled my heart.
I might wish I were a better person. I might, but in fact I usually don't.
Most of my advice on this forum has been along the lines of recognizing our own humanity, our own flaws, and most of all our own limitations: cautions not to take on more than can be accomplished and still allow ourselves a good life.
Sorry that it is so tough for you, and for your sister as well.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report
anonymous828521 Aug 2019
Agree, (👏AlvaDeer).
(7)
Report
See 1 more reply
Agreed. I do what I do out of obligation. I formerly loved the two parents I am now responsible for, however, the parents who raised me and that I loved, disappeared a very long time ago.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
madzeena Sep 2019
LO - loved once. A long time ago. Dementia destroys a lot of connections. I replaced them with sympathy and empathy so I could go on to be effective as a caregiver. Not overnight though. It's been a long bumpy road to get where I am today.
(4)
Report
I have been on this site for years and not ONCE did the LO make me think "Loved One" I just think "oh, a relative, not close, not MIL or DIL or SIL--just LO meaning someone you're kind of feeling responsible for .

It does rankle a little when the person you have to care for IS a LO yet you feel nothing but anger or frustration about them.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I sometimes use it as a substitute when a specific title (mom/dad/husband/wife...) doesn't apply, especially when giving broad advice that works for everyone, but I try not to use it if someone obviously has a difficult relationship with their care recipient. Many times it's assumed your are doing this from a place of love or why the heck are you involved at all, KWIM?
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

The term "love one" is generic here on the forums when someone is answering a question but doesn't know who is the person being cared for.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report

This is a refreshing post. I can relate. Thank you for sharing. I hope there is a silver lining somewhere in your plight. Maybe it's the one sane yet overwhelmed sister you have.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I'm so sorry for your burdens. It's difficult enough to handle eldercare, but supporting siblings who should paddle their own canoes, or at least show some gratitude for the help you offer, can be crushing.

You have far more to deal with than many people, and I hope you can find peace in the middle of this storm you didn't create.
Helpful Answer (16)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter