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I have several siblings living out of state. They were very concerned when our brother fell and a coma for over two weeks. Now my brother gained all physical abilities but loss of short term memory. Now there’s no contact from our siblings. Myself. I visit him, take him out and call him daily. BUT.... I feel very rewarding and happy to have his life back. I look back and say to myself,” it could’ve been worse”. Think for a moment if you didn’t have a sister at all??
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I am really sorry for your situation. Your life must be a living hell. Empower yourself and figure out how you are going to set yourself free. Maybe a home would be the best thing, if you can find someplace that is affordable. Start checking around. You should't have to live this way. Good luck.
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I could’ve sworn it was me who wrote that story except for one thing different...I have a brother instead of a sister. He has his life ...I don’t expect him to wipe his mother’s tuchus like I do 3X a day....however besides from that our stories, I mean nightmares are almost exactly the same....I’m thankful my caring & thoughtful Dad thought of us in case he died before...which he did. He was WW II Vet & I thankfully got my mother Aid & Attendance which helps a little...the rest out of pocket for private Aides. I’m so sorry your Father didn’t leave your mom in a good way financially. Try not to stay angry at him as it does no good for you! I always thought if I had a sister then I’d have help but the only help I get is from paid help. I also had a parade of Aides come & go because of my mother’s bad behavior. She was in SNF for 10 months & discharged her to take her home. It was too expensive there...long story I know. She didn’t cooperate w physical therapy so Medicare would not cover her. I don’t get to go on vacations or have a husband & children or grandkids & no career even though I have 4 college degrees...Our misery is quite similar...it does no good to be angry or resentful..your sister’s day will come when she needs help & then you can say, “Sorry, I have a vacation planned w my new boyfriend!”
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disgustedtoo Aug 2018
Had to let you know that your reference to "tuchus" gave me a chuckle! I have not heard anyone besides my mother use that term!!! She has a few others that no one else uses as well, but that one - HAHAHAHAHAHA!
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You should contact elder law attorney apply for Medicaid for your mother

Find a care facility if your mom won’t go then refuse to take care of her

Can you move

Let the state step in contact adult family sevices
You can only be a doormat if you lie down
Tell your sister in writing what you are doing
You are risking your health
Stand up for your self
Find services for your mom refuse to take her calls
Stop being a doormat
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Jakjak Aug 2018
Baileyparker’s advice is a bit to the point and maybe difficult to follow.
You may wind up there anyway regardless your effort.
I know it’s hard, but do it sooner rather than later.
Its really the best for your mom and you.
Like you said, you have to work to provide for yourself. Your sister is not going to do it.
Call an attorney tomorrow.
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Hi Marina, I have some tough questions. Who was "watching over" your Mom before she came to live in the same building as you? Was it your sister? How long was she "responsible" for your Mom? You mention that your sister said she could "no longer be your Mom's regular companion". It sounds like she had difficulties as well.

Btw, I am my Mom's "only". No siblings. I work full-time with many, many overtime hours, and am single and in my 60's. I brought my Mom into my home. It has NOT been easy personality-wise. I have set some ground rules. Most of the time now, things are much better. But, sometimes not, and it drives me nutz, and I get up and walk out of the room and go to my bedroom with headphones on and watch movies on my computer or listen to music and read. I have had to set hard limits and still take time for myself. And I try VERY hard not to feel guilty about needing time to myself... going to a movie or whatever. This is still my choice. And if/when the time comes, I will make the hard choice to find a place for Mom.

Now, for a moment, take your sister out of the equation. Your mom is living in the same building but not in your apartment. Can you find some help for your Mom... like calling your local Area on Aging and seeing if they can provide some county-provided help/companion care/ personal care/homemaking? And at the same time, apply for Medicaid for the Long Term Care Plan? That plan provides those services (no charge) in home. And will help if your Mom needs to go to ALF.

Don't, absolutely don't feel guilty. You have a right to your life as well. You just need to take some time out, go somewhere away from your apartment (lunch, park, somewhere where you can think a bit objectively) and sit down and make a list of what you need for you, what your Mom's "needs" are as opposed to "wants", and ways to accomplish. And DO call the Aging place and do apply for Medicaid.

And down the road, if placement in ALF, the Medicaid LTC Plan will help pay. And if extra is needed, ask your sister if she would help. She may be willing to do that.

P.S. And keep coming back to this forum and let us know how you are doing :). People here really care.
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This situation is awful, but I can't see your sister changing. People only do what they want to do however unfair. There have been some good suggestions on here but I wonder if you have contacted Health and Human Services? I spoke to them recently and was told that even if your income is too much for Medicaid, they will pay for your keep in assisted living or nursing homes if you are suffering with chronic illness. Of course, my situation is different from yours so you would need to enquire to see if your mother is eligible for this type of program.

Unfortunately, life isn't fair. I know you realize this. But I amso glad you have taken this opportunity to let your feelings be heard.
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Geeze!..I feel like I could have written this post...lol..My sister( which is useless),calls my old man every night.That's HER contribution to helping..For the record: She's the kind that will show up when he takes his last breath (inheiritance).To top it off, when she does call a portion of her conversation is talking bad about me..I figure as long as she can keep animosity going between he and I it will benefit her...She's definitely playing on his ageing and senility to be in his favor.To make it even worse..The old man and I have NEVER been close or even gotten along (and I'm the only one careing for him..Ain't that a kicker!!)..I'm confined and NEVER go far from home..( I live next door).He already left the stove burner on and melted the burner rings and somehow blew out the pilot light and filled the house with gas.I don't know when it if it will ever get better but I do know I have a fight ahead of me when he " moves on"..(sister)..So your not alone..Good luck buddy!..Pete
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disgustedtoo Aug 2018
I would at the least consider replacing the gas stove with an electric one. Mom was a gas stove person, but replaced her own many years ago, thankfully!
Have the gas line capped off and put in the electric stove. The stove can still be left on and cause issues, but at least it is not an open flame and won't fill the house with gas!!!
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(As you have already done)Talk all your anger and resentment to caretakers who will listen and not judge, then set aside those totally understandable feelings for your own sanity. Use your energy to make a detailed list of what your mom needs: what she can do for herself and what she needs help to accomplish. There is an activities of daily living checklist use it as your template when you first talk to your sister. Let it sink in. Negotiate without bringing in old issues. Boils down to: if you have the time, you do the task; if you don’t have the time to help, then help pay for the needed care. Time or money.
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Helpful comments thank you all for taking the time,to answers everyone's questions,I feel a lot better of understanding since I found this forum,thanks again..☺️
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Do you have an Area Agency on Aging in your community? I would contact them and see what help is available. Also, local churches may have someone that can come in for a few hours a week to be with your mom. If your sister comes over a couple of days a week, see if they can be consecutive and if she can take mom to her house for those couple of days. Are there adult day care centers nearby? If your mom could find friends or something to interest her it may make it easier on you. Most of all, you need to find a way to take care of you. Perhaps you can seek a therapist to deal with your anger and frustration. Unfortunately, your sister is probably not going to change. In every family there seems to be one child that gets the brunt of this.
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The smartest move I made for my mom with vascular dementia who initially insisted that she didn’t want “strangers” in her house, was to start with a caregiver for 3 hours a day in the AM to get mom out of bed, get her to the toilet, help her shower, fix her hair, put on her makeup (which mom had stopped doing), dress her, fix mom’s breakfast, do the dishes and the laundry and then make a lunch for mom to leave in the refrigerator. I would come over after work and help with dinner. Gradually, mom preferred having someone with her during the day because she had balance issues. As her dementia progressed, mom
actually wanted to have the caregivers 24/7. We hired our caregivers privately and not through an expensive agency. Mom passed away peacefully a few months ago and neither of my other two sisters had even been by to see her or help out. I felt fortunate that even though I was not my mom’s favorite child growing up, she still recognized me with affection until her death (as her words escaped her by then). Relieving me of the stress of trying “to do it all” was a gift! I’m married, have 4 grown children, 8 grandchildren and a full-time private practice working 60 hours a week - and I didn’t lose sleep as I was still able to visit mom everyday and take her for wheelchair walks around her neighborhood. It was a joy beyond words. See if you and your sister can just agree on a 3-4 hour a day caregiver to start with so you won’t be so overwhelmed. Good luck and enjoy your mom’s final days. They may turn out to be a precious few!
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SusanNeedsHelp Aug 2018
Hi,how much money did that 3 hr a day caretaker charge? Usually it is around $20/hr times 3 = $60 a day times 30 = $1800 a month. That's a lot of money, and this post started off saying the mother doesn't have much money. Am I missing something, or is there a way to get this care for less? I,and my Dad, would be interested in that! Thanks
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Marina, you are not alone. My dad is in a dementia facility which is 2 BLOCKS away from my sister, and I live 150 miles away, but I cannot get my sister to visit my dad even 1 hour per week!! Sure, she works, but 2 BLOCKS up the street (REALLY). I just recently sold his house (where I stayed while taking care of him) so we could extend his stay for a short while longer, but at the rate of $4000 per month it won't last long and then it will be a nursing home. I even have to travel the 300 mile round trip to take him to the doctors (she won't even do that, if not for him, then why not for me). I have had to sleep in my car in the parking lot of the facility because my sister will not even offer to let me stay at her house, or even come there and take a shower, since I do not have the money to stay in a motel. I have a son with a traumatic brain injury from a car accident 20 years ago who lives in an independent apartment complex, but he is paralyzed on one side and cannot walk and is confined to a wheelchair, and I have to care for him from 50 miles away also. I had an apartment fire some years ago that destroyed everything I owned except for the night gown that I was wearing and my purse (I didn't even have shoes). A friend came and took me to Walmart barefooted to buy some flip flops, underwear, and pants so I could at least get out to try and find help. Did my sister come down to help or even offer me any of her old clothes that she didn't wear? NO, not one item. (She did call me and said she was sorry to hear all my things burned up). The Red Cross did provide me with a motel room and a little bit of money to purchase necessities. Even through all of this, I still love her and would do anything for her, but it is a one way street.
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lindaz Aug 2018
What a sad story! I just wanted to say I will pray for you and hope that your sister (?) will somehow realize what a selfish B^^*^^$(O she is. I cannot even conceive of how she can be that way, My blessings to you, Lindaz
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I won't go into my story..it's similar to yours.. especially because I'm single, brother who moved 3000 miles away with wife when mom,dad turned 89, is only around by phone. But his phone calls are better than his used to be attention, before he moved. I've also, just this month, backed off..will act more like my brother, having contact with now, only father, via phone, and not always being there. My dad has many health issues..and emotional issues. He's either fine,normal, or horribly abusive to me. So, to protect me from this roller coaster, I've backed off. I told my brother this. I feel good..he didn't fight about it.
So much more to my sad,volitile life with parents..but reason for my writing...I would think a small pension and SOC sec would pay for some or allot of care. The VA help, is only there is all income is less than $16000. So if it is, then great, maybe you can use their help. And Medicaid also has low threshold. But any senior Care website,phone call can tell you options. Medicare would do a few months of PT,OT if deemed necessary..but that would get professionals involved, to see if she can even take care of herself. You need to call senuir care people and they will have good options.
Good luck. I feel your stress,frustration and 'not fair'ness of it all.
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Help mom find an assisted care facility. If she doesn't have funds, apply for Medicaid to cover cost. Second option, move out of the area and leave mom in sister's care.
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You have found the right place for SUPER experiences and a willingness ro share their histories and experiences with you. There are no easy answers. I am and have been 24/7 care giver for my wife of 45 or so wonderful years. Between us we have 7 children none of whom do anything really to help and just act like know-it-alls and are free to be critical of me but not even disciuss what the "family" could do to help in time of need. Watch here for super suggestions and I will be more then willing to contribute my experiences early on.
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Let us lay envy, jealousy, unresolved childhood issues and hatred-beneath-the-water aside....and work "while it is still day" on issues of love and "honor thy mother" and others as yourself. Also, take a course in Miracles by Marianne and be grateful for an opportunity to embrace a caring and humble spirit so that when your turn comes around....the universe will be sure to have someone at the foot of your bed with a smile and a helpful heart!
Dr Coppertino
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anonymous827732 Aug 2018
Your right about childhood issues,I get on with doing what I can now,so do my siblings, you gave it a try that's all you can do..😴
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I suggest contacting your county's senior care services. They are there to help.
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My only suggestion is be careful with calling APS because you may open up a can of worms that you may regret especially if you do not know how your mother will react and say her responses . ..if found not safe she will be taken out of home and children can be forced to do things you may not be aware of...get together with your sister and find out what the future will be because unfortunately since you technically have possession she considers herself off the hook..trust me I was sole caregiver for my mom for most of my adult life . .I know I am not being positive but being realistic and honest and the so called take your life back and you don't have to really only is true if she goes into nursing home or become a ward of state . .sorry but that is reality and you need to stand up to your sister about how situation is now
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Marina, the problem here is not your sister. It's your mom.

Your mother refuses to accept outside help. You and your sister live in a culture in which women work and are not available for caregiving. Mom needs to accept that.

It may be time to step back and evaluate what you are willing to do for your mom. Tell her what you can do, say once a week trip for groceries. Say " no, sorry, can't do that" to other requests.

If you are firm, mom will understand that you aren't a doormat.
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suiee7005 Aug 2018
Good luck with that depends on mom's mental conditions
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If your sister won't make the time, then ask her to cough up some money to help pay for care for your mother. I live across the country from my ailing father. My sisters put in the time needed to help my step-mother and I send a check each month to help out.
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suiee7005 Aug 2018
THERE ya go! !!!!
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Find professional help to get the strength to stand for youself. This sounds like it is too much. Take care of youself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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I suggest contacting your mother's insurance company, let them know about the situation and request a social worker, to evaluate your mother's health. She might be eligible, for either group home living or assisted living, with a home health aide, or hospice care. Was your father a veteran? If so, call a DAV or VFW office, re: help with funding for assisted living costs. Your state's Medicare/Medicaid office might also be of assistance. I had a stroke, while assisting with my mother's care and caring for my husband. Both were sick at the same time and both died in 2015. You and your sister also should decide who will be your mother's POA, medically and financially. You are in my prayers.
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You have a right to feel resentful. That is not uncommon of a feeling when siblings take no responsibility or go on having their lives as normal while you don’t. But here is the deal...you need to take your power back and pull up your big girl panties. You have a right to set what are called boundaries. Meaning..what you will and will not allow. Your life as a single person is every bit as important as your sister's. And just because she doesn’t honor that doesn’t mean she can decide what you can or can’t do. It will help if you get this off your chest with her. In the meantime....follow the advice of others for calling APS. You also can and should decide just what if anything you are willing to do for mom and don’t let her bully you. Do not answer your phone at night if it’s her and you are too tired to talk. I’m sorry you are living through this but you can exert control.
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Definitely begin the process of being proactive for YOURSELF.
It is likely that neither you nor your sister have any LEGAL responsibility regarding your mother, and MORAL responsibility can’t be arbitrarily shifted from one sibling to another without the consent of both parties.
Once the LEGAL parameters of Mother’s circumstances are in place, you will have the choice of whether or not your personal relationship with your sister is valuable enough TO YOU to accept her terms in dealing with Mother OR whether for your own health and welfare, you must reject your sister’s decision making and make the choice of the best of the bad solutions available to the three of you and move forward.
Many of us who care for a frail and/or confused elderly person wind up exactly where you are, and at some point you wind up in a position where you’re choosing whether YOUR blood pressure and anxiety and depression are more or less important than the other parts of the triangle, and unfortunately, YOU have a choice of either becoming your own advocate and best friend, or winding up being snowballed under the weight of the obligations you allowed yourself to assume.
Final point-do the best you can when dealing with your sister to avoid being overtly angry and/or whining.
The facts here, while they do not lead to any conclusion, complete or fair or just to any of the people involved, are really the most important steps toward getting everyone concerned into some sense of progress forward, so skip the emotional stuff, and stick to absolute facts,
I’m living a life similar to yours right now, and recently learned that my brother was operating under MANY misconceptions about my lifestyle and its limits, so part of my job right now is cleaning up all the stuff he was incorrectly thinking as well as maintaining a personal life and crafting a reasonably humane plan for my cantankerous parent.
Very best of luck as you continue working through your struggle.
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Boy does this seem familiar.
After my mom started on oxygen and dad lost his drivers license due to dementia I assumed more of a caregiver role for my parents. I was 2 hours away vs my sister being 1000 miles away. I changed jobs and reduced hours to allow more time to run and help my parents. Thankfully I had a cousin nearby who helped them and me a lot. When it came time to decide that our parents need to move to get better care my single sister said well they can’t move by me as they will ruin my life. I’m assuming this was said as my husband had a good paying job and I didn’t really have to work. So yes the caregiver burden was shifted on to me.
I agree with the others that you need to set boundaries with your mother. She should help out doing the calls that you cannot do. What about your sisters children stepping up and helping out.
Stand firm against your sister.
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Why should you or your sister pay for anything? If your mother can afford outside services she can choose to spend her money or she can do without - preferring you or your sister to "volunteer" is not an option. Since your mother won't come to your apartment the burden of her care is only as great as you allow it to be, you need to learn to set boundaries.
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I have to admit that my first thought was "move".
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Marina615 Aug 2018
Lol! Thing is, I have lived in this building for 20 years. For the first time in 20 years it doesn’t feel like my haven. I love my mother, but I need my own space. The one good thing is that my mother is afraid of cats. I have cats...so she doesn’t come up to visit.
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Just because your sister has "time and money" doesn't mean she is obligated to give up her retirement to care for your mother - it sounds as though once you father wasn't there to be the buffer any more your sister became the go to person and had enough. Proximity doesn't mean you need to jump every time your mother has a whim, why does she need constant attendance from either of her children? Set limits to what you CAN to and arrange outside services to take care of the rest. So maybe mom makes a list and you deal with it on Saturday and you delegate where possible: look into things like a cleaning service, grocery delivery, meals on wheels, personal care form an agency, transit services to the senior's centre....
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Marina615 Aug 2018
I have much less time and much less money. So I should be much less obligated. My mother won’t accept outside services.
My sister thinks I am more obligated because I am single. I have responsibility for myself only, whereas she is a “wife, mother and grandmother.” I never met the right man....and now I’m being punished for it.
I may have responsibility for my self only...however I have no support system so I have to do everything for myself. I had cancer in 2016 and had to go through that without the help of my family.
Thats fine...I will take care of myself. But if my family isn’t willing to be there for me, why should I be expected to care for my mother.
I should not be expected to have a full time job AND care for my mother. If I had the time and money that my sister does I wouldn’t MIND caring for her. If I had the money I would pay for outside care...despite the fact that my parents should have prepared themselves financially for old age.

But it I don’t have the time or the money.
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I get the impression Mom has her own place. And, we are looking at a woman from a different culture I bet. One that feels children take care of parents.

So sorry about your job. I have a feeling a NH is not going to work with Mom. Does someone have her POAs for medical and financial? If not and she is in her right mind, try to get them. It makes it so much easier in the future.

I have a feeling you aren't going to change sister. So, you have to change you. You probably need to make sister aware you only have so many hours a day. You may work 8 but there's the getting up and ready, travel time back and forth. You get home between 5 and 6 (lets say) eat, relax a little and then off to bed 9 or 10 so you can get up and do it all again. Weekends, doing what you can't during the week. You don't have the time she does. Tell her you need to work together. Otherwise, she ( since she is home during the day when agencies are open) needs to find Mom help. You can't do it from work or it will jeopardize your job.

Boundries with Mom. I know it will be hard but she also needs to realize there r only so many hours in the day, and you work most of them. She needs to rely on both her daughters. When u can't do, tell her you r sorry call sister and see what she can do. When Mom gets nasty, tell her you do not have to put up with it. If she doesn't listen to you, leave telling her you will be back when she shows some respect.

My Mom was easy but I just couldn't handle 24/7 care. My husband and I were retired and I wanted to do things together before the time came we couldn't because of age or health. I placed her in a Daycare. First day she came home she told me she didn't like the bus I needed to drive her. I told her No. The facility offered transportation and she was using it. Mom had to be ready by 8am. Getting her up and going was hard enough but me too! I am not a morning person. They bathed her for me too. She refused a couple of times. I told her she couldn't refuse because I can't bathe her and she needed to let them. After that if she refused the aides told her I said she had to. It worked. Being assertive was new to me especially with a parent.

I know, its not going to be easy but for your sanity and health you got to do for you.
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Marina615 Aug 2018
very good advice. Thanks!
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Selfish siblings are a common theme on this forum.

Welcome to the club!

You are not alone. I know caregiving is truly a lonely feeling place to be, especially when dealing with a parent that has personality disorders, entitlement issues and is just plain rude and critical. I bet some days you want to tell her to stuff it, who is she, in her position to be critical of anyone, she also did not plan for her future. I know that a lot of women in our parents generation did not work out of the home, but sheesh, couldn't they put some money aside. Nope, not my mom either, she acts like money needs to be spent faster than it comes in.

Marina, your sister is not your master, you do not have to do what she tells you too. She has placed you in a terrible position but keep your chin up, you have options. This is for a short while until everything is in place and we can all hang on for a short while longer.

Contact social services, probably APS and tell them that your mom is a vulnerable adult with no care. (Do not let them guilt you into being that care, heads up they will stoop very low to make family take the senior in, I told one that if she thought it was such a good idea she could take him home because I wasn't, PERIOD END OF THAT DISCUSSION, you will have to be more hard headed then them. Remember, this is your very survival you are fighting for, your life depends on not caving to a government employee that could care less about you, your mom or your sister. They are paid to do a job and you will need to make sure they do it.)

You can tell your sister or not that is up to you, she made a decision that completely effected you with out consulting with you, so in my opinion she set the ground rules.

Be sure and tell APS that your mom will say she has you as a caregiver and that is not the case, you are not her caregiver.

Set boundaries, only provide help on certain days and stick to it. The more she can make your boundaries flex the more she will push. If she starts in on you, tell her you will be back when she can treat you with respect and kindness, then leave. Do not take her calls or let her push in on you, then see her on the next scheduled help day. If she gets ugly, repeat the above, everytime. She will get that you are done being her doormat and you do what you do out of obligation and you are not obligated to be treated ugly. Tell your sister the same when she tries to bully you into doing her bidding. You are a grown woman and you are entitled to be treated with respect if the expect you to help. If they can't manage to show you respect then you can't manage to help.

I hope that you can protect yourself during all of the process to get your mom the help she needs. It will most likely get very heated and ugly, you are upsetting their apple cart, so be prepared for the crashing, banging and booming. It is their control of you exploding, that is very noisy.

Stand your ground, find things that help you find joy and decompression from your stressful job and learn to turn their ugliness towards you off. We all have our own stuff, including them, but we don't beat one another in the head with it. We play nice until the bully corners us then we stand and defend our own survival, you can do this.

Hugs 2 u!
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Quint41 Aug 2018
“Isthisreallyreal” is 100% on the money! Take her advice! My mother is 97 and was still living alone. Dad had played the stock market with their money and lost a ton. Mom isn’t destitute, but does not have enough to afford assisted living, so she lived in a small senior housing apartment with no services. My sister, who is married with no children, is fairly well off, does not have to work, had a big house on 5 acres on the water, rental properties, and plenty of money for multiple big vacations. Neither of us had a good, loving relationship with Mom growing up. Five years ago, sister and Mom had an argument and sister left. They sold their house, moved 17 hours away and have not been back. They left me here to shoulder this entirely alone. We have no other family around here.

I have been divorced since my children were 2 and 3 years old, working as a secretary trying to make ends meet often without two dimes to rub together. Mom lives an hour away from me. I have been left to drive an hour each way to care for Mom, to get the calls when Mom falls and is taken to the hospital, to leave my job and race to the ER, to take days off work to sit by her bedside, etc. I’ve taken ALL of her anger and resentment. Mom also refused to allow anyone to come in to help, even my daughters. Travel became one of the most stressful things in my life. Why bother trying to take a vacation when I had to call her twice a day and hear her ask, “When will you be home?!” About 1.5 years ago I started to think that Mom might have a little dementia. I retired so that I could spend more time helping her, and my visits quickly escalated from twice a week to every other day. It was exhausting and mentally draining. When she went into the hospital this July, it became wildly apparent that the dementia is worse than I thought. When she was in her home surroundings, she was able to hide a lot, or I was able to ignore a lot. She was diagnosed with Major Neurocognitive Disorder. Now she is in a wonderful nursing home and, after 5 years of stress and tears, I can finally breathe.

I wrote to my sister just to take the high road and tell her briefly what’s going on with Mom (I stupidly thought that maybe she’d want to make amends, since Mom can not remember why sister left, and cries all the time that she’ll die without ever seeing her first born again). Sister wrote back saying that she still wants to have a relationship with me, but MOM ruined this, and MOM did that, and MOM turned you against me, blah blah blah. Mom didn’t do a damn thing in that regard, sister is the one who suddenly moved and left me here!!

Anyway, getting back to the point ... “Isthisreallyreal” is right on. You do have to enact the strategies she outlines. I had to, and it was the hardest thing I ever did. I had to set boundaries. I had to say, “I am not 12 years old, Mom, I am 61 years old! I raised a family, I held a good job at a big company for many years. I pulled myself out of poverty to a point where I am finally comfortable. AND YOU CANNOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY ANYMORE. If you calm down, I will stay. If you continue to yell at me and verbally abuse me, I will go. I will not come back until X date.” I had to do that a few times. Her episodes didn’t disappear, but they became less frequent.

Also, she is totally correct about how everyone involved in your mother’s care will ask, “Why don’t you bring her to live with you?” It really caught me off guard when people started asking me that! I would stammer, “I live in a tiny 800 sf house. One bathroom with a tub that she won’t be able to step into. One bedroom is only 9’ x 9.5’. There are stairs up to both doors into the house. I just got married last year after being divorced for 22 years!!” And they would just stare at me, like none of those are valid reasons. Even my 27-year-old daughter would say, “It’s none of their f***ing business why she can’t live with you!”
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