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Let the rumors fly! Sheesh! He’s 92! If that isn’t old enough to do what he wants then I don’t know what is. You said yourself, your Dad is doing better since he met Joan. Make an effort to get to know her, if your husband doesn’t want to, that’s his problem. Do the people at church know her well?

As for inheritance, that’s a bit sticky. Is your Dad controlling his own finances, or do you have POA? If he’s controlling his own finances, there’s not much you can do. Getting to know her will help. You’ll be able to see if she’s after anything. Your Dad is love blind. Try to get an idea of her intentions. Does your Dad have any money? Does she have any money? Who footed the bill for the Thanksgiving celebration?

If your husband has dementia, you’ve already got your hands full. Let your Dad enjoy his last few years. Keep one eye and both ears open when getting to know Joan, but from your post, she could be good for your Dad.
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They are both consenting adults and legally single - so they are entitled to do as they please. Find ways to be friendly since the lady friend my some day become a relative.
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graygrammie: Perhaps you shouldn't be too concerned about any rumors starting.
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Live and let live. I totally agree that if your father is happy that is all that matters. It’s no one else’s business but theirs, no matter if they are just friends, dating or want to marry each other.

It also doesn’t matter that your husband doesn’t agree with it. I am glad that you are sharing in their joy.
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I understand the concern about marrying. If married, overnight, dad becomes financially responsible for Joan's costs of health care. She could have a stroke tomorrow and need nursing home for the remainder of her life. Then, or course it could be dad suffering the stroke or some other medical event.

Step softly, don't oppose the friendhip, be supportive of what it is. If they start talking marriage, encourage a joining ceremony instead. And remember, even a prenuptial agreement does not keep their funds safe from medical costs when one of the other needs extensive care and needing Medicaid coverage.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
Wise advice.

Joining ceremony? Interesting…I like it!
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Update -- I don't know what happened but after spending Thanksgiving together, even brunch on the following Sunday morning, there is no longer even a hint of friendship. The last thing dad said was that Joan was going to Florida for three months and invited him to go with her. Perhaps he felt that was overstepping a moral boundary. But she is totally out of the picture now. I'm kind of sad because for a few months he was so positive. Now he's downcast and lonely again. So, that's the end of that. (Sorry I disappeared. Not getting emails to remind me to check back in.)
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
Grammie,

Thanks for the update!

Did you get to meet her?

Did he say why he didn’t want to join her in Florida?

I am sorry that things didn’t work out for your dad.

Has he tried going to a senior center in his community?

The centers in my area are quite active and they are always getting together for lunch and other activities.
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I would encourage my dad to go to Florida but, I would have gone and had Thanksgiving with them.

I wouldn't want to hang out with somebody that their family is hostile towards me to the point of not sharing Thanksgiving with their dad.

It seems that you guys got what you wanted. Your poor dad.
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graygrammie Dec 2022
My husband got what he wanted -- and is very much in an "I told you so" attitude. I am sad for dad that he doesn't have this friendship now. Perhaps he will again meet someone else or they will resume friendship when she returns from Florida. It is a wait-and-see situation.
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"Moral boundary"?

I think your dad and Joan may be living in very different worlds.

I would encourage him to join her in Florida.

GG, I seem to recall that your husband with dementia was formerly a self-appointed pastor who it was found had crossed some "moral boundaries" while judging others for their "sins".

I think perhaps you need to stop letting that thinking cloud your judgement when it comes to your father's happiness. Give him permission to enjoy companionship in his old age .
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graygrammie Dec 2022
My dad is Catholic. He is a lector and a Eucharistic minister. He goes to mass several times a week and confession at least once a week. I do believe that sharing a home with a woman who is not his wife was crossing a moral boundary for him, even though I hardly think there would be anything to worry about.

Heck, I teased him when they went out for dinner (she drove, his car was at her house) and he had a little too much to drink. She drove him home rather than letting him go back to her house to retrieve his car. I said, "Well, dad, the neighborhood gossips will have a fine time with this. Your car will be at her house all night."
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How sad that your dad is now downcast & lonely again, and for WHAT? Some 'moral boundary' at HIS age???

I would encourage him to strike up this friendship once again with Joan, throw all caution to the wind, and join her in FLA immediately. I'd accompany him down there myself, if this were my father!

Life is too short to waste one moment worrying about 'morals' or what others may think of him!
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Moral Boundary?! Is that your or the minister's assumption? Get your dad down there if you have to take him yourself? And for Christ's sake make sure dad knows this is wonderful for him!
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Just wondering if dad said he wanted to go to Florida with her. If he did by all means encourage him to call her and he should go to Florida.

If he didnt want to go it sounds like dad dodged a bullet with this woman.

Did she cut off all contact with him because he didnt want to go to Florida with her for 3 months.

If dad wants to date i am sure there are plenty of women where he lives. Get him to go to the senior center, volunteer somewhere, join a club doing something he is interested in. There are plenty of socialization opportunities out there.
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graygrammie Dec 2022
He did not want to go to FL. He did not want his house sitting empty for three months plus he was not comfortable being that far away from his medical providers.

He has been socializing but is always the single among the couples. But at least he gets out of the house.
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GG, have you asked him about this in a friendly, supportive "if you're happy I'm happy" kind of way? There hasn't been an actual falling out, as far as you know?

Perhaps he's just down in the mouth because he's missing her company and possibly going as far as to think she'll be looking for someone who can keep pace with her.
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Let the man be happy. If he's of sound mind, he can change his will, and there's nothing you can do about it. He wouldn't be the first guy to do it.

In the meantime, visit him, be the good daughter you've always been, tell him you're glad he's happy. No matter what your husband thinks, his brain is not what it once was, and besides, even if he's right, you can't do a thing. Enjoy your dad's happiness and stop worrying.
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graygrammie, three months will go by pretty quickly. I can fully understand why your Dad didn't want to leave his house and his doctors.... that is very common.

Dad probably figured going to Florida, he would need to learn his way around, possibly find new doctors for that short time frame. It's tough "moving" at any age, even short term. It's like going on a really really long vacation. Plus he would be staying at her place which could make him feel uncomfortable as his generation it is the man who provides.

Dad's lady friend will be home before he knows it, and they can continue where they left off.
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