My wife who I have loved and supported for over 60 years, is in a care home. Occasionally during our many years together and talks, she has hinted at an occasional past life which I chose to diplomatically ignore as a fact of life that often occurs when the husband's work calls him to work away from home for weeks at a time. During these conversations she always insisted she has never slept or had sex with other men, not even one man and I am the only one.
Lately, her dementia has started to loosen her tongue and today aged 78. she revealed she was once going to leave me and go off with someone with whom she had had an affair and regular sexual contact and meets with. It now appears that the other men who she had falsely claimed to me were the close friends of her rather promiscuous female friend HG, were hers also. I think being in a care home has sort of reminded her that these secrets are not worth keeping any longer and for this reason, she is beginning to be more honest and open with me, I am shocked, and rather hurt, and unable to cope, any advice would be appreciated. My instincts tell me to say nothing and ignore it, but it does worry me. An end of life story I never ever suspected or wanted.
She thinks she’s unloading a confession which may or may not be true. And if it was, sounds like all this may have occurred decades ago.
What is there now to do but say you forgive her?
Like most couples we once spoke about love affairs - she insisted she never had and never would. I now think her recent disclosure/s is because she was scoring points on me by claiming she had a few affairs and was not the old woman she now is. An old-school friend of my wife was a certain HG. who I always thought might lead her astray, Why did I think this? Because HG had several times offered me sex and told my wife how much she fancied me, it was an open-joke between my wife and I, who referred to HG, as "your girl friend just arrived", meaning HG had parked outside and was walking down our drive.
You say that your wife may live another 7 years and you another 10. You say that you will keep her secrets and take them to your grave. My questions for you are why are you torturing yourself when your wife is no longer capable of pretending to be the dutiful housewife? Are you psychologically prepared for even more sexually-explicit confessions? Do you perhaps think that because you had an affair once in Russia you deserve the hurt you feel from hearing about your wife's sexual flings and fantasies?
I have been following your thread a bit and wanted to offer a couple of thoughts.
Your wife is not an inanimate object you can just turn your feelings off for. It hurts deeply to hear these things regardless of whether or not they are true. They have the ring of truth to you. I am sorry for your pain. Time helps and slowly this information will settle into place.
If true, your wife managed to not disrupt your lives with what may have led to divorce and a broken home for your children. There is something to be said for that. I don’t pretend to understand what makes we humans tick, stray or destroy our own happiness. I do know that many families were ruined as a result of the free love, three martini lunches, open marriages and the idea that children are resilient that prevailed back in the day.
You seem on balance very happy with the life you have lived with your wife and I think already healing from the shock it must have been to hear these stories.
So, I’m inclined to believe it happened because you believe it happened.
BUT, keep your eyes open. Dementia is a wicked devious disease that can play terrible havoc with our lives. It doesn’t dress up as the vacant eyed, odorous, unkempt, soggy diapered creature that we so often imagine. That comes along often enough but not in the beginning.
In the beginning with my DH aunt, she would tell the most outrageous things that happened to someone else like HG as though they had happened to her. In addition, she was VERY interested in all things sexual. She could do all the things you mention your wife can do, all day long, plus she wasn’t physically handicapped. I would overhear her on the phone with her phone book in hand, calling one number after another telling her stories. It is shocking when this happens and yes, it can be very hurtful. They no longer can discern that this or that couldn’t have actually happened for whatever reason. And all the filters are gone that may have made such topics taboo.
Read about confabulation. Look up Teepa Snow on YouTube. Just remember that all bets are off on what YOUR brain is telling you is true because it is so very difficult to believe that someone we love and trust and still looks and reacts and responds like that person in so many ways is not always “home”. I can guarantee you that your wife believes her stories. They are real to her whether they actually happened or not.
I have now got to thinking this worked both ways and when she told me she had gone out for the evening with HG this may have been untrue. HG was her alibi provider. Proof: You see I never once went out with my wife and HG. We never made a threesome or two couples group. She made a slip of the tongue flippant remark which shook me. I really do love her. We have an until-death-occurs marriage.
After reading along, maybe this answer fits for you:
You said: ["HG had several times offered me sex and told my wife how much she fancied me, it was an open-joke between my wife and I, who referred to HG, as "your girlfriend just arrived". "]
If it was a joke back then, why is it not a joke now?
And in what way are you shocked?
You are right about one thing: Some things are best NOT MENTIONED.
Your revealing more secrets are best not mentioned, and are inconsistent with your being shocked.
Unfollowing.
You are obviously old enough to know the saying, "BIrds of a feather flock together. " You, no doubt, knew this saying in your early years and yet here you are all surprised that your wife did the same behaviors.
Maybe, just maybe, while you were off working 13-14 hour days, traveling the world she felt neglected. Maybe you and your personal actions justified her behaviour, just like you justify breaking her trust in Russia.
This is beginning to feel like I have wandered under a bridge. Bye-bye now.
Or a soap opera! LOL 😆
The plot of every soap opera is the same!
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm
There is no need for you believe in "revealing secrets".... unless you like the attention it brings to YOU by telling others that the secrets are true.
They're kinda risqué compared to 30 years ago.