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You are not alone in the way you feel. I felt the same way. Now I feel free and unburdened by a past responsibility I did not want. She passed away and no longer suffering or requiring unwanted responsibility for her.
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If you feel that way, why don't you do something about your situation? I would suggest you talk to a professional about your feelings and then try and find a solution that you will prefer. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to take care of a loved one and feeling overwhelmed by it. Just don't do anything rash and harm the other person. You will do more harm to yourself if you let these negative feelings continue to consume you. Get some help...
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Dear Joannes,

You mentioned being DISTRACTED. Wow, can I identify with that. I just got my mom's taxes done and, even before the envelope was mailed, received a call that was most alarming. Turns out the my mom is signed up for BC/BS in two different states and that Medicare has been automatically pushing her residual medical bills onto both companies. The companies have been paying the clinics, doctors, etc double! So, let's see, whose shoulders does all of this fall upon?

I have been in line at the SS offcie with a number for hours, on the phone for two solid days now and am sitting here now waiting for a return call. Frustrating: neither of the companies has any contact with the other or with medicare and no one seems to know what is going on. This is crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And, yes, I am distracted. I would really like to finish reading a book on Dolly Madison--but I can't concentrate!
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I would never be able to do this if I couldn't stand my mother. I wouldn't do it if I couldn't stand her. It wouldn't be fair to either one of us. Not that any of this is fair by any means , but that's another post! I love my mother and she has been there for me so I want to be here now for her. Despite the fact that I have three siblings, she would be in a NH if I wasn't here because they can't be bothered with her care.
That said, she drives me NUTZ a lot!!! I get so frustrated too because sometimes things just seem totally overwhelming. I cook, clean, take care of mom, pay bills, try to run my own business (which is not going as well as it used to because I have no time to devote to it as I used to), take care of mom's two GIGANTIC dogs who are now elderly themselves and have health concerns. I have mentioned that one of them now has dementia as well. Try explaining this to mom!! Last night I must have told mom the same explanation six times, and it was a long one, as to why her dog wasn't sleeping with her anymore. It was heartbreaking as her dogs are like her kids now and she is so upset that one of them doesn't want to be in her room with her anymore. The list goes on and on. I used to love to read and go out and do a million things that I can't seem to find the time for anymore. OR if I do have the time for something, my brain doesn't seem able to concentrate on anything for too long before I'm jumping up because I remember that I have something else I need to do!! Believe me, I am right there with all of you who say that you are feeling distracted and overwhelmed.
I know that this will have an end someday so I'm trying to hang in there and just relax about it. I know you can't tell that I'm trying to relax from these posts!! ha ha!! But I'm just giving myself little breaks such as telling myself that if all the things don't get done today that I planned to do, then so be it. I am only one person and can only do so much. When people are in a care facility they have many people helping out. I am just one person doing the best I can!
Have a great day everyone!!! Love to all....
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I was actually going to start a new thread but there seems to be an enormous amount of good information in this one (i.e., discuss with area agency on aging, elder lawyer, social services, adult protective services; and find a "place" , a home for her). Mom (92) just "lost" her lower denture for the second time in one month (it already took a month to get it between the visits and lab, and cost $1,750). The very kind dentist will have another one made from the recent mold and just charge for the lab fee but this stuff is exhausting....constant calls about aide schedules (which are on her fridge until she moves/loses it), won't bathe (have spoken about this already on this site), beligerant about having help and saying she doesn't need it. Just love when she says she can do everything herself and when asked how the groceries are gotten, laundry done, bills paid, etc. she says "well, that's all done so I don't need any help"....makes me want to tear my hair and more out sometimes!! She has an emergency alert button but that is tied to her landline phone and she doesn't always remember to hang that up, hence, the button isn't operational. Could go on and one like everyone else but I believe we are really looking at AL at this point - would most of you agree?
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Thank God, someone knows what I am talking about. I feel so guilty for not reading enough or doing something productive with my time. But, as you said, Sally77,

my brain doesn't seem able to concentrate on anything for too long before I'm jumping up because I remember that I have something else I need to do

That is it. that is it. Still waiting for that call.
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lmb1234,

Yes, I do agree. You have done a great job and deserve appreciation. Now, if your mom goes to AL, you can ENJOY your visits with her. My husband and I took my mom out for a ride and ice cream yesterday. It was short, sweet, and fun. She had a great big belly laugh about something funny, and we all had a nice time.

What is wrong with that, I want to know? And having her there frees me up to take care of her taxes, insurance mishaps, mail, clothing, cash needs and "losses," bills, etc.
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I know this is going to sound truly horrible, but instead of nursing home placement they should legalize Dr. Kevorkian euthanasia. Let's face it - Alzheimer's IS a terminal illness and what kind of life is there for seniors who have to live in those h*ll holes. I know I would rather be euthanized than be impounded in those horrible places. Considering the cost of nursing homes, and I read somewhere it was estimated like $250 billion a year, and it's growing every year. I also read it's about $80,000 a year to maintain one single individual in a nursing home. Eventually it's going to HAVE to become legal because Medicaid can't afford this.
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Ah, Cetude,

I hear you BUT it is most impolitic to state the obvious.

Your numbers are right, of course. But this is such a huge topic that it would be better to start a new question. Do you know how to do that? Go to the home page, click on Caregiver Forum, and go down to "Ask a Question."
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Before heading to work this morning, which I have truly come to love......since it is a welcome escape these days, I wanted to say I AM thankful for being able
to let off steam and vent on these posts. IF I didn't do it, an old lady may have been taken out by now . : D We are all just human and can only take so much. I woke up this morning thinking, I am working on again on my gratitude journal.... to find things to be grateful for each day again.
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I just wish my d##n vindictive siblings would leave me alone while I provide much necessary care for folks!
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1Naturelover....I thought I was reading my own entry when I read yours. Yes...the car rides alone are a great release for me as well. They provide needed thinking time and venting time (yes, I do it out loud when I'm alone in the car). I also have started and stopped lists of gratitude. Every little bit helps. My hope is that one day I will actually 'feel' as grateful as I write.
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1naturelover...you made me laugh!! Thanks for that!! I agree that the few hours I work outside of my home have become such treasured time for me. What a great idea to keep a gratitude journal! As much as I complain, there are so many things to be thankful for and I don't want to ever forget that. I keep going back and forth between complaining and being thankful!
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Daughter52, I do the same thing in the car!!! Wow...I thought maybe I was just going crazy!
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Well I do worry about assisted death but some assisted living is not good either. To that end I have written a do not resuscitate (a living will we call a DNR in the UK) which prevents any doctor anywhere from medicating me if I have no chance of returning to a full and useful life, as I am making the decision now, while I am competent to do so, that I do not want this to happen. The only medication I will accept is pain relief. As for the feelings h*ll anyone who truly has never felt like this must be a saint. I feel like it all the time well not all but a large part of it!
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I have to agree with cetude, too. It's too expensive and difficult to really help a person is such a state of decline. Dementia is one thing, and it has its stages, but as it gets worse and a person forgets how to do the littlest things to survive ... pull the plug.
In some cases I think it should be an option for people in earlier stages, or there needs to be a system in place to really help someone who needs the help.
It can't all be about a doctor asking a person 10 questions and letting a person go back home because they know what month it is and how to repeat back five words.
And it shouldn't be a burden to family, to watch this family member decline and go through the ups and downs. It's one thing to be mildly forgetful, but when a person is hostile, constantly depresses or in constant pain, or a threat to themselves or others, or they forget to eat or they can't take their pills correctly.
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I have to laugh at 2Tired and daughter52's comments about "do you feel alright." I don't exactly get that, but my mom sees the worst in everything. A migraine is brain cancer. A sniffle is killer flu. If I have a bit of dark circles under my eyes I have a serious health problem. I'm not sure if she's feeling close to the grave or if she's trying to shove me into mine.
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Possibly...just possibly, they are worried about us because we are taking care of them. We are the last resort, so to speak. If we deconstruct, who will do it? One of my mom's recent fixations was her fear that I would move away to be closer to my grandchildren. She told everyone in the "place" that I was moving away. Total strangers were asking me when I was moving and looked truly perplexed when I said that I wasn't.

At the root of it was my mom's fear of not having me to mange/take care of everything. BUT that was before she went to the Senior Behavioral Clinic. Now, she is happy to see me whenever I arrive. I can talk about my grandchildren, I don't mention actually seeing them, or any travel. And, thanks to the good people who make and develop these miracle medications, we have nice visits. All's well that ends well.
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I go to bed every night praying that God would be merciful enough to take my mom in her sleep and give her and myself peace. She is in the hospital right now because of drug interaction that has caused another step down in her dementhia. I have her in a home after trying to care for her for three and half years. At one point we had four generations living under one roof. My mom is in a home but they have not been dealing with her agression in the evening. I will have to look for a skilled facility now. No you have just said outloud what most of us keep to ourselves so others don't feel ill of us.
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Salisbury, you have an interesting point about them worrying because we take care of them. I sometimes think that about my mom. Right now we are in a bad spot because she imagines odd stuff, like my husband stealing a Garfield figurine from her (which she is convinced is worth hundreds of dollars).
She told us not to call her anymore, and if we didn't turn in her keys she'd call the police. I told her, go ahead, and she didn't. I figure I still need a key in case she doesn't answer the phone or a neighbor alerts me (she probably changed the lock, again, anyways), but we've only heard from her once in 6 weeks, and that was when we wanted me or my husband to go fetch her prescriptions for xanax or vicodin (or something like it). So, needless to say, we felt used. No love lost, no missing us, no wanting to chat, but just we're needed to go pick up her dope because her neighbor wouldn't do it for her that day.
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I'm against euthanasia...a quick read on here, and you find way too many stories of siblings who want nothing but a quick inheritance instead of providing care for Mom or Dad...but a common thought and understandable to want relief from the stresses and duties of caring for someone when these seems to be none in sight, and the rewards are few to none.
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Ah, I hear ya. Hang in there and good luck!
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There is the case of some people wanting a family member to die to cash in. I am against that, but in my case I don't care about money. I might get a bit from -- maybe a couple thousand dollars, I'm not sure -- my mom when she passes, but I don't care and am not counting on it. If she finds she loves her neighbor more because he fetches her cigarettes and wants to give everything to him, I don't really care. I asked for a few stamps from my father's stamp collection, as a sentimental thing -- I doubt most are worth everything. I mainly wanted a few to maybe make a memento out of them, but she thinks I'm a crook trying to clean her out and said no. She also cut off all contact with the entire family and destroyed family photos because she was mad at my dad or an aunt. So my inheritance from her is the memory of a very confused, angry and mentally ill woman, and loss of family -- in part, my fault, because I took her side all those years ago.
That's not quite a euthanasia thing, but more in my situation I just want some peace. If she lives another 20 years, fine. I just want to live in relative happiness and peace, and it'd be nice if she did, too, but I doubt she does. I just don't want to be dragged down into her misery anymore, and I'm trying to find ways to get beyond it.
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After seeing my parents going threw one sickness after another and now my husband being sick on top of everything I am not against euthanasia. My parents are miserable and Mom calls me everyday to say that she wishes God would take her. She says that God doesn't even want her. They brought her back to life two times with drugs. Doctors just save life and not really care about the quality of the life after physical recovery from sickness or surgery. I for one want to live in a state that gives me a choice of assisted suicide. I really want that choice. Washington State is one of those states and I know there are others. I have seen people kept alive in nursing homes from 5 to 9 years as vegetables at 15,000 dollars a month. Especially if they are self paid. If you asked me this question in 2011 I would have given you another answer but when I started to take care of my parents 2012 up to the present an see the suffering is the reason I have come to this conclusion.
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I believe most people that have written in this thread all want the same thing.......peace. When people live longer than they realistically should and can no longer take care of themselves, Modern medicine keeps bodies going
far longer than they should. If the old mind is going, nothing would be wrong with a peaceful injection to end all suffering. We do it for animals that we so love when it is time, because it is out of an "act of love" for them.
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Nature Lover that's an interesting point. When my father was dying in agony and needing increasing but not lethal amounts of morphine. I said to the doctor that you wouldnt do this to a dog why do it to my dad. She was the sweetest of doctors and said simply that 'we have no choice my dear it is our sworn oath as doctors - the Hippocratic oath. Now having looked at this and there are now "versions" of it the oath is not followed in the UK at least

..... I will keep them from harm and injustice. (followed)

I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody who asked for it (followed), nor will I make a suggestion to this effect (followed). Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy.....(NOT FOLLOWED)
....What I may see or hear in the course of the treatment or even outside of the treatment in regard to the life of men, which on no account one must spread abroad, I will keep to myself, holding such things shameful to be spoken about.(not followed where criminal intent is at risk)
So why then do they make the end of life so painful difficult and quite frankly insensitive to the needs of the sick?
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That's an interesting thought, about how we put an animal to sleep to help it get past its suffering.
In the last three or four years a couple pets got really old -- one with cancer, and one with kidney failure. We didn't want to let go because animals are so sweet and grateful and you don't want to just give up on them, but after a while, when they can't or don't want to eat, they just lay in a corner, or they lose bowel control (which happened with our dog) we just took them in, made sure we weren't being rash by having the vet give them a look-over, and made the hard decision. Otherwise they'll just keep wasting away until they can't move or eat and possibly starve to death (without intervention) because they can't do that anymore.
Again you don't want to send someone to an early grave as a money grab, but there is a point where it isn't a life anymore, really. Is there anything they can enjoy? Can they do little things for themselves?
If it's someone old and feeble but who still enjoys watching some TV or reading books or whatever, that's one thing, but if it's someone who can't think straight or is acting like a big baby (as in diapers, being fed, etc.) it's time to go.
It's true: You do want peace, both for yourself and for the loved one. And you don't want to watch a loved one suffer either.
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Oh my goodness, I just hope that the other drivers on I-5 think I'm talking on the car phone, because I do hold major vent sessions on the drive into town when alone in my car. LOL I simply just love this website. I don't know how many times you all have helped me feel better.
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I just had a bit of "fun" my husband said he would stay with my mother for a few hours tonight so I could get some things done at home (you, know that place? It is getting to be a dim memory) He was just livid when I got back, said she was talking "gibberish" moving pillows and hiding bananas in her pants, all I could say was "welcome to my world" (as$hole) * said that one in my head* lol.
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Well, if there is absolutely no quality of life, wearing diapers, the lawmakers really should legalize euthanasia. Alzheimer's IS a terminal illness. If family can't care for their own kin, they should legalize it. Eventually this is going to become a reality since Medicaid is running dry.........FAST. No money, no care. Nobody (except family) works for free. As for the inheritance, the nursing homes take it all anyway so what difference would it make.
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