Am I the only one on here that really truly wishes she would just go away and leave me alone?

I know this is going to sound truly horrible, but instead of nursing home placement they should legalize Dr. Kevorkian euthanasia. Let's face it - Alzheimer's IS a terminal illness and what kind of life is there for seniors who have to live in those h*ll holes. I know I would rather be euthanized than be impounded in those horrible places. Considering the cost of nursing homes, and I read somewhere it was estimated like $250 billion a year, and it's growing every year. I also read it's about $80,000 a year to maintain one single individual in a nursing home. Eventually it's going to HAVE to become legal because Medicaid can't afford this.

lmb1234,

Yes, I do agree. You have done a great job and deserve appreciation. Now, if your mom goes to AL, you can ENJOY your visits with her. My husband and I took my mom out for a ride and ice cream yesterday. It was short, sweet, and fun. She had a great big belly laugh about something funny, and we all had a nice time.

What is wrong with that, I want to know? And having her there frees me up to take care of her taxes, insurance mishaps, mail, clothing, cash needs and "losses," bills, etc.

Thank God, someone knows what I am talking about. I feel so guilty for not reading enough or doing something productive with my time. But, as you said, Sally77,

my brain doesn't seem able to concentrate on anything for too long before I'm jumping up because I remember that I have something else I need to do

That is it. that is it. Still waiting for that call.

I was actually going to start a new thread but there seems to be an enormous amount of good information in this one (i.e., discuss with area agency on aging, elder lawyer, social services, adult protective services; and find a "place" , a home for her). Mom (92) just "lost" her lower denture for the second time in one month (it already took a month to get it between the visits and lab, and cost $1,750). The very kind dentist will have another one made from the recent mold and just charge for the lab fee but this stuff is exhausting....constant calls about aide schedules (which are on her fridge until she moves/loses it), won't bathe (have spoken about this already on this site), beligerant about having help and saying she doesn't need it. Just love when she says she can do everything herself and when asked how the groceries are gotten, laundry done, bills paid, etc. she says "well, that's all done so I don't need any help"....makes me want to tear my hair and more out sometimes!! She has an emergency alert button but that is tied to her landline phone and she doesn't always remember to hang that up, hence, the button isn't operational. Could go on and one like everyone else but I believe we are really looking at AL at this point - would most of you agree?

I would never be able to do this if I couldn't stand my mother. I wouldn't do it if I couldn't stand her. It wouldn't be fair to either one of us. Not that any of this is fair by any means , but that's another post! I love my mother and she has been there for me so I want to be here now for her. Despite the fact that I have three siblings, she would be in a NH if I wasn't here because they can't be bothered with her care.
That said, she drives me NUTZ a lot!!! I get so frustrated too because sometimes things just seem totally overwhelming. I cook, clean, take care of mom, pay bills, try to run my own business (which is not going as well as it used to because I have no time to devote to it as I used to), take care of mom's two GIGANTIC dogs who are now elderly themselves and have health concerns. I have mentioned that one of them now has dementia as well. Try explaining this to mom!! Last night I must have told mom the same explanation six times, and it was a long one, as to why her dog wasn't sleeping with her anymore. It was heartbreaking as her dogs are like her kids now and she is so upset that one of them doesn't want to be in her room with her anymore. The list goes on and on. I used to love to read and go out and do a million things that I can't seem to find the time for anymore. OR if I do have the time for something, my brain doesn't seem able to concentrate on anything for too long before I'm jumping up because I remember that I have something else I need to do!! Believe me, I am right there with all of you who say that you are feeling distracted and overwhelmed.
I know that this will have an end someday so I'm trying to hang in there and just relax about it. I know you can't tell that I'm trying to relax from these posts!! ha ha!! But I'm just giving myself little breaks such as telling myself that if all the things don't get done today that I planned to do, then so be it. I am only one person and can only do so much. When people are in a care facility they have many people helping out. I am just one person doing the best I can!
Have a great day everyone!!! Love to all....

Dear Joannes,

You mentioned being DISTRACTED. Wow, can I identify with that. I just got my mom's taxes done and, even before the envelope was mailed, received a call that was most alarming. Turns out the my mom is signed up for BC/BS in two different states and that Medicare has been automatically pushing her residual medical bills onto both companies. The companies have been paying the clinics, doctors, etc double! So, let's see, whose shoulders does all of this fall upon?

I have been in line at the SS offcie with a number for hours, on the phone for two solid days now and am sitting here now waiting for a return call. Frustrating: neither of the companies has any contact with the other or with medicare and no one seems to know what is going on. This is crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And, yes, I am distracted. I would really like to finish reading a book on Dolly Madison--but I can't concentrate!

If you feel that way, why don't you do something about your situation? I would suggest you talk to a professional about your feelings and then try and find a solution that you will prefer. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to take care of a loved one and feeling overwhelmed by it. Just don't do anything rash and harm the other person. You will do more harm to yourself if you let these negative feelings continue to consume you. Get some help...

You are not alone in the way you feel. I felt the same way. Now I feel free and unburdened by a past responsibility I did not want. She passed away and no longer suffering or requiring unwanted responsibility for her.

You are not alone. I feel this way about both my 90 year old parents who are driving me crazy. They are mean and evil so I am at my wits end. Done all I can do for them beyond the call of duty. My husband is now sick so thing have gotten much worse since May 2014. JoAnn29 you put it perfectly by saying that they are not able to "do it" for themselves. Good above post.

I didn't read all the answers but just want to say one thing. I wish ads and people would stop saying to the elderly "you can live in your own home". This is Ok if they can still do for themselves or can afford the maintenance. The baby boomers have had more responsibility for parents than any other generation, I think. Our parents are living longer than they can do for themselves. We have a nice assisted living about 10 miles away. They have a dementia/alzheimers section. I have been there and it seems nice. I think the wise thing for all of us is to look to the future. We have and are investing what we have so there is money there if both or either of us needs extended care. I will be 80 when my oldest is 52 my youngest 44. Both work. I don't want them to worry about me. Our world has changed. The wife is no longer just taking care of the house, she is now working and probably has to to make ends meet. As humans, we were not made to handle it all. I've only been taking care of Mom for 4 months but I can't see doing this for 5 or more years. (she's 87). I should be enjoying my retirement because...one day (and not that long off) I may have my own health problems.

Believe me, I used to wonder how people could put a parent into a "nursing home". But there are so many options now. As long as you are able to "check up" and ask questions, I think there is no problem with Assisted living facilities. It's just getting our parents to understand that they can no longer "do it" for themselves.

Amen, Joannes, we need to know our limits ad do the best we can..

To Sally 77 and the others who are driven crazy by the constant repetitive questions....I find, that what really bugs me about these actions, at my own ripe old age of 70, is that it is just so DISTRACTING from all I have to do! I do not multi task as well as I used to....nor do I deal as well with being interrupted from a task and then being able to easily get back onto that task. I imagine that all of you direct care givers have even worse issues with this, even if younger than I am! How do you deal with all these repetitive questions and demands and requests, while trying to clean house, cook, do laundry and pay bills all the while trying to keep your parent safe and the ACTUAL needs dealt with?? I knew when it came up for me to help my parents, that there was NO WAY I could take them into the home and do direct care for them both. I had lived with them too many years, with their personalities and their constant bickering at each other and Mom's feigned helplessness when she could ever get someone else to do something for her. I already had a husband, a dog and an active home business. Husband and parents never got along well anyhow.....too different in personalities. He could only handle visits for a max of 4-5 days at a time. And, just long distance care giving, bill paying, trust stuff and constant calls and emotional upsets with Mom....has caused my business to drop off down to 25% of what it was. A ruined addition to our retirement savings it turns out to be....and added to that is no inheritance to even supplement those losses. SO believe me I feel for what so many of you have given up to be a direct caregiver!! I just could not do it! I COULD have done it for Gregg's Mom. My MIL knew how to mind her own business....to go off and let us have a private conversation, to be a flexible visitor whenever she was here over night or for a few days. My mother had no boundaries. She walked right in our bedroom, or would come right in the bathroom when I was 'busy'! When I chastised her, she made it clear that she felt entitled because I was 'her daughter'!! So, she's lonely, alone, has no relatives that WANT to help her at their own expense, and she will end up with an in home caregiver until I can arrange a move to AL/Memory Care for her and Dad together in Phoenix, where our youngest daughter lives. That is two hours closer for me to visit, and I won't have to go every two weeks. My husband will need me more as his condition worsens and I am not getting any younger! That's how I plan to deal with it all. I won't put all this in my Mom's face, because she's not able to have a conversation about it and understand anything anyhow. So I need to love her when I can and respect her as her daughter ought to, but I am not going to die early for her!

To Salisbury.....I think with our parents and their age, their refusal to go this far with their planning has a lot to do with having grown up in the depression era. At least it's true for my parents. Their house is the ONLY house they've owned. They were always very focused on their achievements and possessions and not wanting to give anything up, or away or donate to etc. Also, I am a strong Christian, which they were not. I see that the 'stuff' is not nearly as important as what is in your heart and soul. I evolved into being much more willing to be flexible and share what we have, including our home, if needed....and I just don't see the need to 'hang onto' stuff, or money or to have that 'achievement' thing. Family is important...people are important and so is a certain amount of security...but not to the exclusion of happiness. My Dad had saved up a lot of money and had many investments. At one point, due to investing in Qualcom, he was, on paper, a millionaire....but then lost most of it in one of the crashes...1988, I think. Anyhow....they didn't travel and do all they talked about doing because it was more important to save the money. Even after my brother died young, there was no changing their minds or outlooks. BUT...the end result is that we had to spend over $750000 on Dad's facility rent and cash in most of what he had, and then it was Medicaid for him. Now, all Mom has is the house, the car and about $10,000 in cash left. Their income, so far, is OK for both of them....but what they thought....and Mom still thinks, is a huge inheritance for me and the grandkids....is gone...or will be before they die. Mom still thinks she is 'rich' and I am going to be rich....but it is her inability to deal with money and finances that is the reason why she was not made POA over my Dad and I was! He was smart enough to know that she was not able, even before dementia set in for her. Anyhow, that is one of the reasons, I think, why our elders so often seem to deal with aging differently than we will.

I love my mother very much but I admit I have had times like this where I wish someone could just get me out of here!! My mom has dementia and asks repeatedly where her two dogs are. It's to the point now where she can actually have her hand on one of them and ask me where he/she is. No one who has never been through this can totally understand, IMO. I have had people say to me the same thing "Just tell her and keep telling her where they are." But it's torture to me and drives me nuts!! That makes me crazy along with her insistence on feeding them from the table and letting them eat or drink out of our dishes! One day I swear I will wake to find them dressed in my clothes and sitting at the table!!
Anyway, I don't think any of us are "bad" people for thinking these thoughts sometimes. I think it's normal under our circumstances. Again, no one understands this stuff unless you have lived it.

Joannes,

I agree with you completely. As I said before: the last decade(s) of life do not need to be a train wreck for the family. Not everyone allows dementia to "catch" them before they have made and executed rational plans. There are rational elders out there who are taking responsibility for themselves for their families.

Where my mom is (central PA), there are little apartments/duplexes on ground level (no stairs), cute with screened in porches. The residents can come and go as they please and also take advantage of all the services of the whole "place." They come to exercise class, musical performances, bridge games and other activities, excursions, etc. They can eat in the dining room if they don't feel like cooking. Everything is very close. Later in life, If they need to, they move over to the AL or memory care, or nursing home. The couples who live in these little duplexes usually have one person somewhat incapacitated: as in MS or wheel chair, etc. I see them at the exercise class and they play bridge with my mom. We chat and enjoy each others' company. They look very happy and calm, safe, knowing that all the bases are covered.

What, I ask you, is so wrong with that?

All my life. Not due to dementia, but to a personality disorder and narcissism. In fact I googled the phrase "leave me alone" some years ago, and that was what lead me to information about narcissism. Dementia has only added to it a responsibility that I did not have before.

The constant intrusions, demands, criticisms... wear you down, You deal with FOG - manipulation through fear, obligation and guilt - until you learn to set boundaries, and to detach and distance. Sounds like it is time for you to take care of you. You are at least as entitled to care for yourself as your parents are entitled to be cared for by you. Sounds like things are way out of balance. I take time for me. It is necessary for my wellbeing. You need to do the same.

Linda, I'm in ur boat right now. I'm 65 and husband is 68. We watched our GS for 18 months and just when he was getting ready for daycare, I had to take my Mom in. Not fair to my husband whose parents are gone. Mom is pretty easy but she is like a child. She was getting needy which bugged me. I've always gone away for a week at a time. Told her when I was leaving and when I'd be home. I never kept in touch while I was gone. Really, didn't think about it. Last couple of times, before she was with us, she was telling the women at the Church how she missed me. Last time I called her every couple of days. I have never had to do this before and my girls don't do it with me and I don't expect it. When I got back she called me early and wantedto come over. I told her I wasn't up and didn't feel like company since we just got back from an 18hr trip. Yes, I felt bad later. Its the needy part that bothers me. I have 2 brothers. One a half hour away the other 6hrs. Don't like being it. Actually, have been for a long time. Considering assisted living if we can get her house sold. I know I can't do this long term.

Boy you are definitely NOT alone. I have gotten to the point of full on resentment. My mother has started a new on slot of demanding behavior. When she had her major stroke in 2008, we stepped up and brought her to live with us in Oregon. After building her a cottage of her own on our acreage, so she felt independent but under a watchful eye, she decided she wanted to move back to Washington State to be "near her friends" (all dead but 2 who are in bad shape) She stayed for all of 4 weeks and made a horrible situation involving an attorney who actually saw what she was really all about. She has always been self absorbed, selfish, and a true narcissist. My husband and I saw how she really felt about us. She views us as servants to order about. Well after that "month from h*ll" I got a true picture of her feeling about me. Now I just do what I know needs to be done. I have a helper in 3X's a week to help with the housework and to give me a 4 hour break on those days. She tries to start things. I now tell her if it was any of her business I would tell her. I am at that point where if she went in her sleep it would be a relief. I feel guilty for thinking that but that's just the way it is. There is so much resentment built up for her not being grateful for us putting our lives on hold just to care for her that I am at the point that if she takes a fall she is going to go to ER and the next stop will be a facility. I think I am going into self preservation mode now so trust me you are not alone by any stretch of the imagination:-(

I believe we all have those thoughts from time to time. I, myself must remember that my Dad comes from a different era and doesn't really "get" the current world. He is a tyrant most of the time, but I just laugh it off (in my head) and go on about the business of doing what is best for him. I have found that by ignoring his rants and oppressive nature (he is racist and prejudiced against women) it makes it easier to do my job. The part of him that represents the parent/child relationship, for me, is gone. That part of him is dead to me, so it makes it easier. I don't consider him an authority figure. He is more of a team member. Best of luck to you. This is not an easy job and we all hope our loved ones can remain happy and fulfilled for as long as possible. Just remember, you are only human.

I CERTAINLY feel this way a lot of the time. I am caring (long distance coordinator of care...not direct caregiving) for both parents, and now with a husband at home with newly diagnosed Parkinson's Disease.....and I have these feelings. My Dad is now 93 and in Memory Care. Keeping up with issues there is constant via phone and emails and listening to Mom complain about the place. Then Mom, at 89 is home alone with her own dementia getting worse, but still relatively safe, and refusing any notion of assisted living for her. She is NOT giving up her house before she dies and she says she needs no help in the home....but she does...and she's lonely and she doesn't eat well or keep up with her own health care needs. I've been having to travel to them....a 5 hr trip....now twice a month and be gone 4-5 days at a time each time.....I won't go into it all. Am pushing, with her attorney and elder case manager to convince her she needs help in the home 4 hrs per day....for driving, running errands, doing heavy housecleaning and taking her to see Dad and to app'ts. What this has brought me to.....is that, with my hubby's diagnosis....to avoid putting our girls through what I've been dealing with now for three years..... I believe we should move into AL as soon as Gregg gets to where he and I need a helper for him. We should do it BEFORE either of us gets to where we want to REFUSE to say we need help. We should find a full service facility to where either of us could move from AL to Memory Care or full nursing home care...right up front. That way, the adjustments to needing more help won't be so hard. Both our girls tell us that they are committed to taking us in, because families should care for their own elderly. However, should either of us get into the dementia, I KNOW how that goes and I KNOW how difficult it could be for them. One daughter already has her husband responsible...POA etc, for his own parents now....and they are our age. He is doing it all long distance too, but talks about how they may need a home with a guest house etc, to bring them closer as their health gets worse. I wouldn't want them to take on 4 elderly parents!! Our other daughter is married, but with 6 kids....and the youngest is 4 yrs old, so will be under the roof for quite a bit longer, even though her hubby is only 10 yrs younger than we are. They are small farm people, with animals, garden, chickens etc to also be responsible for, and the kids are home schooled as well. Money is very tight. Is it right, even if they are willing to have them take us on? I just don't think so. And I think we should make the decisions easy for them....let them just be the family that comes to visit. Let others be paid to do the caregiving. So that is the direction we're talking about for our future. I never EVER expected my parents to take the stance they did, as my Dad saved his money, established the trust and put the plan together well. He was dealing with knowing he had dementia for about 8 years before it got so bad he couldn't stay home with Mom. BUT, when it came time to need help at home to keep him there, it was just a HUGE fight....a HUGE refusal on both their parts, until it was a total crises and he had to be hauled away by police for evaluation! I don't know what they thought? That they would just die in their sleep some night? Or that I would just drop my husband and business and life and move in with them? Or that someone else in the family would do just that? I just don't get it....and I just do NOT want to have our girls feeling all this stress over either of us!!

and to add, don't let their CRAZINESS make you crazy. It will if you let it. Protect your mental health, That truly should come first

anyone with alzheimers becomes but a mere assemblance of their former self.
They LOSE who they were so they are truly not the people who we once loved
and had a relationship with. Memories are what keep us bonded. When they cant remember what went on yesterday and that you were there visiting them and cry they you never are there, you just have to "let it go" We are still here and sane and need to take care of ourselves FIRST because we are still here having to go to work and function and take care of business.

Oh, yes, the fixations are a phenomenon.

Once my mom felt that a woman in her church had accused her of having an affair with a very old man in the neighborhood (this never happened, neither the affair, nor the accusation). My mom repeated this to my husband and I every time we saw her for about five years running. I am not kidding, five years or more. We were beside ourselves. We had no idea how to stop her.

That is why when she recently became upset about my visits to my grandchildren for the third or fourth time, I knew it was the new obsession--and it was! Until she went to the Senior Behavioral Clinic and got her meds fined-tuned--God, bless those people. Now she no longer mentions it--and neither do I!

My husband says not to answer her but that doesn't help because she'll just keep asking! It never stops! They seem to get fixated on one thing and won't let it go until you think you'll go crazy. That's when I just have to leave.

Boy do I understand all of you. I am an only child with 94 year old Momma and husband 73 in April with dementia that has been the same for two years. He was diagnosed June 2013. Thank GOD he isn't getting worse. I had noticed little things way back even 10 yrs ago but I didn't dwell on them. I just let it go. Then he had a mini stroke that brought on the short term memory loss, Bad time for two weeks, then he was evaluated by neurologist with dementia, that put him on Aricept and Namenda. I pray he lasts a long time. I am 68. I pray I last a long time and get to enjoy retirement with my husband after Momma goes on to Glory. I have noticed that my husband is really childlike at times. But it is refreshing, I love children. Pretty sad huh? I struggle wish the way I feel about my Momma at times. I get really sad and have a rough time dealing with no help. I get over it in a few days. I did find out that I can get hospice to come in a few days a week to help me for a few hours. I just need to tell my Momma's doctor that I can't take it anymore and I need help. I also pray a lot. Hugs to all. There is a light at the end of the tunnel we just need to last until we get to it.

My MIL is in assisted living and she STILL controls our lives! She has aways been spoiled, demanding and a "me" type person. she was her son with her ALL the time. With alzheimers, these types of people are so self -centered and cause such grief for everyone. We have had several care givers and spend a fortune to have someone with her 24/7 and it is not enough. I have always had an issue with her and her ways and with alzheimers, I have just gotten to where hate her and wish she would just go away already. We go through so much hell and our lives are wrecked with having to focus on them so much, it just gets old and we all get weary, irritable and tired. And I ask, WHY do we spend so much time taking them to the doctors for their heart condition and for this and that, when their brains are turning to mush and we they cant do a damn thing for that???? It is insane. I keep praying, as horrible as this sounds, that she will die in her sleep. It would be SUCH a relief to us to have to her gone already.

This all sounds so familiar - my husband asks me if I'm all right too, every time I cough or sneeze. We are their life line, they worry about how we are doing. Who else is going to do all the things we do for them! He is always asking about the day and the time, what we're doing today, who's coming. He is now like a little kid, asks me if he's a "good boy" . I have to grieve for what he once was and what he has now become. It's a relief when he goes up to bed and stays there quiet for awhile.

Wow, this is hitting a nerve. I just finished breakfast with my husband where he explained that it is no problem for me to answer my mother's repeated questions. Just say the same thing over again, no problem, says he.

Right. Because he is at home with a book while I am doing this. I can't stand answering the same question over and over. That is why, as I have written before, I try to keep my visits ACTIVE and to DO things with my mom so that talking is not necessary. Exercise class is the best. Even playing cards is somewhat helpful--there are lags where she is thinking. Drives in the country are good because at least she is commenting on what she sees and not hammering me with questions. But there are always so many questions, the same questions, over and over.

Does anyone have a trick to be patient and gracious, which is what I would want written on my epitaph: "Patiently and graciously answered all her mother's questions...repeatedly. R.I.P"

2TiredinFlorida....I thought I was the only one who got "do you feel all right" stuff. I don't have any physical ailment as you do but she asks me that ALOT. Very tough hearing it all the time.

Boy can I relate to all this! Mom drives me nuts, with her " do you feel all right" constantly. I have Afib and need to try and remove some stress from my life. Mom just won't let it go. I realize she is concerned for my health, but reminding me costantly does no good. Last night I blew up. She didn't understand at all, now she thinks I want her out of the house. I told her I simply want her to stop asking me how I feel, every five minutes. She just cant understand. She also is constantly asking what time it is. For someone who is as old as she is ( 94 ) I cannot understand why she is so obsessed with the time! I finally have gotten her to let me go for a long walk every morning. I explained "it's good for my heart". Of course as soon as I get back, I'm greeted with " do you feel ok". ;-)