I have been easily manipulated my entire life. Spent much of my time trying to make those around me happier than I ever could make myself. I appreciate time by myself, but don’t get more than an hour or so at a time a couple times a year.
If something isn’t important to my mother then it isn’t important. If something isn’t valuable to her then it has no value.
There is just too much stuff I could elaborate on but I just couldn’t explain it.
Write yourself a job plan and some rules. Things you are happy to do and things you are NOT going to do, any more. Tell them what your plans are. Be firm. Factor in things for you, times for you and find solutions for covering your absence where necessary. Treat it like a new lease of life when you have energy and a detox when you don't! So many of us have been there! Look after yourself - you are worth it and DON'T be guilt tripped!
You can only continue to be mistreated if you allow it. Pick a few things to do your way and some time to yourself and DO it.
Your mother is probably in “self-preservation mode”. She has probably lost a lot of her freedom and control to whatever health situations has brought her to live with you. Her manipulation of you helps her feel like she is in control. Don’t feel like you have to tell her every move you make! If she can be alone for short periods of time, for example, say “ I will be back in an hour” and LEAVE. No need to explain- or say “ I’m running an errand” and LEAVE for a break. If she pitches a fit say “hey, i just said I’ll be back in an hour”. Let her KNOW you have a life too because trust me people in self preservation mode have NO concern for others- it just isn’t on their brain. Remind her if needed.
If she can’t be alone for a short time then hire help to sit with her. They work for YOU and and she doesn’t get a say. If she can go to adult day care occasionally, DO IT.
Get some time for yourself and don’t fall for the guilt trip that either you or she has laid on yourself already. It really is up to YOU. (FYI, SHE pays for the sitter, daycare, etc if at all possible!)
enjoy yourself!
Often elders feel scared and afraid , Where they used to have their youth and everything going for them they slowly feel as though they have no powers. They tend to hurt them closest to them in frustration.
We dealt with all kinds of issues from smearing campaigns to humiliation, in the end you have to set firm boundaries or the behaviour just continues and can lure you into all kinds of legal disputes.
The smear campaigns are hurtful when you find out that the person you love so much and have dedicated your life too has been gaslighting and smearing you, still you put up and shut up. Unfortunately, this is a very hard situation for anyone to be in, but we do continue to survive the life walking on eggshells.
Firm boundaries is the answer and share n care with another, between you the smear campaigns and triangulation games must be ignored and avoided at all costs so you can effectively care for a person who exhibits such signs.
My Husband and I worked well as a team to get our Mom safe, secure and her home taken of, we did this because we love her not for anything in return, but the bribes, emotional abuse gets to you after a while. You learn from others of the embarrassing hurtful and soul destroying things being said to others. It was through talking to a therapist I learned about this condition and learned the triangulation game had been a life-long habit to separate siblings from a young age,
I become a target even though I put up and shut up. I had the most admirable love and respect for my MIL for all my married life but the things I learned made me more aware in the end to set firm boundaries to safe my marriage from harms way. I look on the bright side and am grateful i learned about this condition to help me through life and others subject to this abuse.
We treated our Mom like a queen showering with gifts, limousines on her birthdays taking her to the best shows and fine dining, still but if she did not get her way, there was a storm in a teacup.
its hard, its very emotional this time Of our parents lives, but still boundaries are important and share the care for time out is the answers, remember, if you are not well you cannot take care of them!
keep up the good work its not easy!
you are not alone! Hope this helps you
If you play the Martyred Saint then the person will use you as one. By that I mean they will happily shoot you full of arrows, sending you to your death, then praying to you for eternity to fix everything. Bad job description. I wouldn't be applying.
In all likelihood you were raised for this by Ms. Heartless and dominating. But you are a grownup now. It is time to learn to set limits to protect yourself. We here are no therapists, so a bit powerless to guide you down a road, but we can sit you at the fork in the road where you will choose to go on as you are (and you realize where that has gotten) or you choose another road for yourself that leads to a happy life. The choice is yours.
I use to be just like you well into adulthood. It wasn't until my mid-30's (I'm almost 58 now) that I LEARNED how to say "no" and try to do that without feeling the need to give an explanation (unless you really want to or feel the situation warrants one) because that weakens it. I can tell you firsthand it is so freeing and liberating. There's a saying - "When in Rome do as the Romans do" - so that means when she is living in your home, she needs to abide by the rules you set. As others here have said, it's all about boundaries - you need them, we all need them - kind of like your personal space in some ways. Is it easy? NO - but, with practice it gets easier. Try it with small issues and move on from there. I have always been interested in what makes people tick and enjoyed reading self-improvement books. In those books, the author or authors would tell you everything about the topic except the "how" to part. The best book I ever read was "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Their writing is excellent and covers every type of relationship there is. This tells me we need boundaries in all areas of our life and in all types of relationships including family. It's the first book that gave practical ways to implement "boundary setting". You will be "happier" and you will feel like the adult you're supposed to have become. At this stage in my life, I've been thinking about how much time I have wasted trying to be a "people pleaser" - not one of those people are even in my life today which makes it all the more of a waste. I was brought up to be a peacemaker especially with my half sister who was 15 years older than myself and from my mom's first marriage. I never lived with her - thankfully, but when she would come to visit, I was expected to be the little adult while she was the big child - that meant keeping the peace at all costs. She was the one I learned how to set boundaries with to the point I had to cut all ties with her as there was no reasoning or healthy discussions with her - she was what you may hear people call "toxic". Just reading your brief description of her in your "question" makes me wonder if she has a personality disorder like NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder - you can look it up online and take a quiz to see if that describes your mother). Please realize at 87 your mom is not going to change therefore, you need to be the one to make the changes as to how you react or respond. Will she like it? No but, you need to hold your ground and she will be thrown off balance because she is so accustomed to you going along with everything she wants. It's like a mobile toy you put above a baby's crib - if you take just one of the parts and move it, the other parts get out of balance. Another explanation for her behavior is simply that as some people age, they can become like children again or some just never grew up to begin with. Wishing you the best!
What helps is to set boundaries when the parent is being unreasonable & manipulative (for example, has a crying fit when you say you’re going somewhere with friends). Ignore the tears & go. Don’t reason with her or explain. It takes practice.
This didn’t work with my mother due to her personality disorder. It’s kind of like dementia on steroids. I left and have not seen her for a month.
Be prepared that setting boundaries may not have the intended affect with her. The best to you.
You are not the little girl that she trained to jump through her hoops and take her abuse. You are a grown woman, who has generously given her a place to live. Stand up for this FACT. if she doesn't like it and I would bet money that she won't, you can tell her that she is free to find a place that she can be the mistress of the house, but as long as she lives under YOUR roof, you are the mistress and she is a guest.
You may have to deal with being a bit heartless to get her to stop treating you like her scratching post.