I'm young and taking care of my Grandmother, and I don't want to end up resenting my mom. How do I deal with this?

Dear Here4her
Thank you so much!!!! I wish it was that easy, I have the means to move out, but I can't get past Grandmas constant I raised you and you owe me, and that guilt. I need to get strong, I just don't know how. I have looked for help and support groups , there are none that deal with just caring for a senior, they are all for Alzheimer's.
I hope Allie will never have to feel the guilt I do, that's why I told her to run , run as fast as she can out of that situation.

Allie, Its been awhile and I would love to know how this turned out. As others, I'm a mom of a 24 and 26 yr old and never ask them to deal with my elder mom (dementia and early Alz). It is not their place and I want them to have a full and unencumbered life to find their own happiness and focus on their new adulthood.

My mother is very difficult; just like your gram (only 89) and refuses all help and won't move. I've done all I can with getting doctors, evaluation, etc. and she won't budge and although she needs help; I choose not to force her. Whatever happens will be MY responsibility for my mom and not my children.

Hon, when we become parents, we love and parent, provide for our children -- with no expectations on the other end. I only want my children to pass that forward and do the same for their children. THEY OWE ME NOTHING -- it is my job to provide for myself and be open to the help I'll need when the time comes.

Your Gram isn't going to get better. Turn it back to your parents. Yes they are busy but there are so many resources where they can get help and assistance for your grandma. It's lovely of you to help; but move on dear. Don't feel guilty and if you do; come back here for support. We're all on your side!

Good luck, Allie. I started caring for my mom when I was 16. I'm in my mid 30s now, and still doing it. Sometimes there is no other way. I have none. You seem to have some. Take those opportunities. Weigh your options. You have time to make your life work for you. I wish you the best.

Hi Allie,
I don't know if I can help you but I just wanted to say I appreciate your last comment. I am reading this thread because I typed "my grandma does not appreciate my help" in the google search. :) I am young, (not as young as you are) but like you I thought I was doing the right thing. I took a break from college, moved out of my house with roomates ( very upbeat and fun group.) Because my Grandma was living alone and my mom and her brother are both drug addicts with unknown addresses. My grandma is only 78, she does take her medicine and she is mostly able to care for herself. She just needs help getting the house ready to sell. (Something she's been wanting to do but is leery of the housing market.) I was making dinner for her tonight and clipping the spikes of the artichokes which fell in the sink..she came up behind me with a very worried look on her face, like I was doing something wrong, and said, "I hope you're not putting those down the garbage disposal...they will clog!" Granted, I am PMS ing, and it is a minor annoyance. It hit a sensitive nerve. I rolled my eyes and put the stopper over the sink disposal. She got offended at me rolling my eyes and started slamming dishes around. Then, I said (somewhat sarcastically, aren't you ready for some delicious artichokes...)and she just mumbled...mheh...Point is, it hurts. It hurts me, and apparently her. I have been crying in my room since dinner. Now after reading this, I don't feel so alone with this problem.

Have you called social services or her doctor for a home health evaluation? There are so many options available. Have you told your Mom how you feel? Sweetheart, caregiving is sometimes too much for those of us much older and at your age it should have never been an option.

God love you for what you are doing. Your parents have to find another solution.

I have stepped in to help my 95 year old grandmother who started having memory issues in 2011. Initially she was forgetting to pay bills. Now she has been calling her friends from the church to say that she doesn't have any food and she hasn't eaten in 2 days, and all she had to eat was bread and water. She even called me to say she didn't have any food or medicine, but I know better because I cooked the food and put it in the refrigerator. She started going to the neighbors across the street 2 times a day, and called them to say she was hungry. I asked her why she did it when she has food, and she said she didn't feel bad about it, because she used to cook and invite them to her house every weekend and they ate, and she has loaned them money when they didn't have it. Everyone has an opinion about what I should do, but no one does anything to help. It has been suggested that we sell the house, but she has a reverse mortgage. It was also suggested that we put her in a nursing home, however I was trying to keep her in her home as long as possible. She has home care 3 days a week for 3 hours two days and 4 hours 1 day. She now has a companion coming for 3 hours 2 additional days of the week. It's like she needs someone around her all the time. She says she doesn't want to go to a nursing home or to live with my mother, and she doesn't want to stay in her house, because she says it's not her house. She left out the other day when the home health aid was about to leave, because she said she was going to her other house. The home health aid stayed with her an hour extra, but the agency didn't pay her, because the agency said she was to call the police and leave. The police was called by the agency. The agency threatened to submit a report for neglect. Everyone acts as though my mother who lives in another state and me are not doing enough. People seem to think that I don't do enough for her, but I'm the only one who takes her to the doctor, get her prescriptions filled, take her out on the weekend, contacted the home care to get her services, cleaned out her garage, does her housekeeping. She has been calling me every day since February, 7 times a day, leaving messages on my answering machine. One day she called me and said she didn't have lights, but I could hear the television in the background, and when I asked her about it she said she must have turned the knob on the lamp the wrong way. She then said her stomach hurt so I said I was going to call the ambulance, then she said not to it was just gas. Then she asked if I were coming over to spend the night. I told her I would be by the next day, because it was already 10:00 pm. She says she doesn't feel right when she is by herself. She said she has always been this way. I think her so called friends are tired of her calling them repeating the same conversation so they call me and my mother, because they don't want to be bothered. They say something needs to be done, because they are concerned for her safety, but I think they feel guilty for not doing more when she's done things for them, and in order to alleviate that guilty feeling and stop her from annoying them they phone me to say they are concerned and she is so lonely, and suggest that I put her in a nursing home so she will be out of the way and won't bother them.