How do you handle a generous mild to moderately demented 88 year old Mom living in a different state who responds with $10 to $15 checks to every charity solicitation letter. I don't want to take her checkbook away, but for a while there would even be two to three checks in one month to the same questionable charity. She particularly is on the list of those that send "gifts" and ask for a contribution. I get her bank statement on line to keep track and after showing her copies of the checks, at least for the moment it has slowed down. I am afraid she will forget again and start responding. She loves to get mail, and the more she sends, the more lists she is on to get more.
Oh boy, does this ever bring back memories of ugliness. My 88 yr. old sister responded and donated to EVERY charity, church, politican, until her mailbox would not hold her mail. She'd even get cash back from some of them. (5 cents to $5). Hopefully you get a "handle" on it soon, or it will be terrible and take years to get off all the mailing lists. Publisher's Clearing House is another abuser of Seniors, especially in Florida. My sister owed them over $2,000, because of all the trinkets, books, candy, collectibles they delivered to her door. We had to rescue her from this, though she wasn't happy with us, by bringing her to live with us, where she's been for 18 months. Now her 10 yr. old disease is very bad, and we're trying to get more help for her and move to elsewhere. She is refusing to move now, which leads to another whole story. I'll stop here though. You're lucky to watch her account online and she might understand what you're doing and why you're doing it. It's truly an ugly disease. Seems like these charities, companies, etc. really prey on our seniors. Take it seriously, and good luck!
Seriously, this problem causes a lot of collateral damage to responsible organizations like the Salvation Army and to legitimate businesses that serve seniors. My first question to you would be Do you have POA for your mother? If not, that will become increasingly important as her dementia progresses. You will have no control over credit cards, bank statements, health insurance matters, billing errors etc. An estate attorney can be helpful but choose carefully. And do so while your mom can still comprehend the need and sign the paper work. It will be costly and more difficult if she is not able to consent to the POA. You should also have her complete a Living Will that states her preferences for "end of life" medical treatment. This varies from state to state but is an inexpensive way to prevent the Health Care Industry from bankrupting her estate by legally forcing her doctors to perform expensive treatment procedures that she may not have wanted if she were able to speak for herself. Without these two instruments, if your mom is determined to be incompetent, you will be pushed aside and all decisions will be made in the interest of those who have a financial interest in your mom's health and well being.
I will check with the post office to see what they can offer, short of cutting off all her mail.
You may have to edit her mail. I did for the same reason; too many begging for money. I even edit my husband's mail! Sounds as if you have made some right moves. Good luck.
Linda
Since I'm in the process of "defending" my position as Guardian and Conservator, I am filing this information into a spreadsheed to establish the pattern of misuse of funds, and prevent future misappropriation. Mom insists she does not need a Guardian or Conservator, because "she had her own checkbook." Except that was part of the problem. She treated her personal health the same way, with excess and addictive tendencies, and needs someone to care for her needs. I say defend, because she claims she's "fine," and doesn't need my help.
My mom loves to spend, shop and give to charities. She was stingy with family, but loves to look "good" to everyone else. Don't know why, but it's all about image. That image was a horrible one to live with at home, and few see that side of my mom or dad. Unfortunately, Alzheimer's got the better of dad, and mom is struggling with the consequences of her choices, as well.
When things get out of hand, someone needs to protect their interests and assets. The government shouldn't have to suffer the consequences of a lifetime of someone's poor choices, by covering unsecured debt, foreclosure and bankruptcy. Sad when children and society has to "pay" for the bad decisions of a lifetime of waste and squander. When the addictive patterns of behavior bleed from everyone else, it is truly a problem that needs to be addressed and cared for. When a person's freedoms produce negative consequences for others, and infringe on the finances of responsible people, it makes one wonder what is right and what is fair.
I always wondered how my parents were able to be so "giving" to so many organizations. To find out they mortgaged their home, and accrued credit card debt to cover their compulsive behavior, and have to spend my own personal resources to help them clean up the mess makes me glad I am stopping future misuse of precious resources. Can the world get by without my mom and dad's charity? How about the price they pay to house my parents because they spent every last dime trying to "help" everyone but themselves.
I didn't feel it was my business to interfere, and was silent for 50 years. But now I have to use my own personal time and funds to clean up the debris and chaos left behind. Fortunately, I am able, and willing. Otherwise, someone else would have to do it. I would hate to see it continue, because ultimately, society would have to take over. Guess that's my charitable contribution to my family, and to society.
I call each organization, asking to be removed from their mailing lists. One less envelope they have to send, less return address labels they have to print. (Dad's in a nursing home and can't use them, anyway.) That's less waste in the landfills, and less time I have to sort through useless mail. And if they send unsolicited "gifts," asking for donations, I just consider it a gift, and still ask no further mailings be sent. I've gained about 25 cents that way last year, not to mention all the monies I've saved by not writing checks and using stamps or their postage free envelopes.
And if I've upset anyone from the PC, ART, State Universities; MCC, HHV, the DDAL, FPCA, FPCF, WV, GP, PETA, Amvets, the LG, DV, AA, ADR, The NHES, RSV, VFW, Friends of _______ Museums, CF, CTF, EDF, GA, Inc., USHS, AF, The SA, ALA, NWF, NEA, CB, NIV, CAR, SAR, DCW, HS, BS, GS, GW, (and many more...), so sorry! But my mom and dad have financial needs and obligations they can no longer meet. Would anyone like to contribute to that???
Thank God for Medicare and Medicaid. Thank you to the many legitimate organizations who are a help to others. And thank you to the hard working men and women of this country who contribute through your hard-earned tax money to care for people who can no longer adequately care for themselves.
But solitations of funds from illigitimate organizations who are only looking for profit and personal interests, and take advantage of vulnerable and unsuspecting people, shame on you!!!
Publishers clearinghouse is bad - the car warranty company that signs up seniors who can't drive is worse.
One problem is he wonders why the bank is not depositing his winning checks. He accuses the bank manager of stealing his winning checks. While I am at work he goes and closes out the account and opens a nw account at a new bank. I find out go to the new bank and they treat me like I am a criminal saying they talked with my 91 yr old dad for two hours to make sure he was mentally competent (while he had a taxi on the meter waiting in the parking lot).
Friday he told me he wants me off his checking account so I don't know what this week will bring. Re: conservatorship - in Calif there is no guarantee that I would be appointed his conservator. I don't have it in my heart to turn him and consequently my mother, over to a court appointed stranger.
Thank you for letting me vent and knowing that I am not alone. Let me saay gain, it your bank is not helping you go to the FBI White Collar crime unit.
By far, the Publishers Clearing House and Reader's Digest were the biggest offenders in the fraud of older people. We had so many unopened books and garbage prizes from these people we didn't know where to put them.
Opening a post office box was our only solution, but this did not stop the mail. We just intercepted it.
PHONE CALLS were worse-- usually based on foreign lotteries or from people who wanted to deposit Nigerian money in Dad's bank account. We also had counterfeit checks which initially cleared the bank. The purpose was for them to obtain his account number.
One almost amusing incident was a phone call from a supposed bank in England. My Mom had hysterics and told my father to hang up and stop bankrupting them. The caller phoned back five minutes later and asked my Dad who that "b*tch" was on the phone. "Oh," says Dad,"that's my wife."
My Mom's situation never got that far out of hand. I cleared out at least 40 or 50 "gift" calenders and huge amounts of greeting cards and note pads in December. She was pretty good for quite a while after I pointed out the multiple checks etc. I get her checking account on line (I am also on the account) and send it to her. She back slid and got on the kick again the end of the year. However, her mental and physical condition has deteriorated to the point that I just took the check book and have all the bills sent to me. We are lucky to have found two wonderful private home health care workers to help her with her increasing needs, and still get her out and about and respect her dignity. I trust one of them enough to give her the checks to give Mom to write out each week for church, and to write out for cash at the back so she can use that shopping. This lady pays for most of the purchases Mom makes and sends the bills to me.
We are really blessed to have found wonderful increasing help to allow Mom to stay, at least a little longer, in her Independent Living Apartment. She otherwise would be assisted living.
God bless all of you caretakers.
I still can't believe we were so fortunate. I know the quality (or lack there of) that agencies often hire. I would not trust just anyone into my Mother's home, and now into her apartment.
Word of mouth sometimes is invaluable. I hope you can find someone.
When her house was sold over a year ago I had mail redirected to me. On every piece of junk begging mail I wrote "Return to Sender - Deceased" and put it back in the mail. Eighteen months later they're still coming but fewer now. Those that do come, depending on my mood, I either do the "Deceased" thing or put them through my shredder to go out into the compost bins. At the NH the only mail that is given to her is something like a greeting card. All other mail is held at the desk for me to collect as I kept finding government mail just thrown in drawers.
What I found is that a lot of these charities, political organizations etc. do is send out solicitations for money about every two weeks, long enough for a senior with memory problems to forget that they'd already sent a donation. I would talk with your postmaster about putting her on a no junk mail list too.
Regarding phone solicitations/scams that was harder to deal with. She was on a no call list but still calls got through. We spoke to the phone company and they helped as best they could. We also contacted the police when there were obvious scam calls. The calls still come but not as often and I usually try to answer the phone and I am not nice.
These folks that prey on the elderly like this are pure evil!!!!
My Mom like yours loves to get mail. I often think it's a shame friends and extended family can't take a moment once a week or even once a month to drop a short note to the older folks. They'd love it and maybe they wouldn't be as likely to get their mail "fix" from some evil scammer.
The calls that really rattle my cage are calls from home improvement companies, the caller will say "You called us to come out for an estimate for new windows, what would be a good time?". With enough of those types of calls I could see if someone who doesn't have memory issues would think they had memory issues wondering if they had call the company to have estimate. It can freak you out sometimes.
Our cable company which provides our landline service has a feature that I use to block calls. *60. Works very good (If I remember to do it :) )
When I could, I would toss the catalogs to the side of the porch. That was hard to do because he sat in a chair looking out the window all day long every day. He could see when the mail came and what I took out of the box.
Many catalog companies paid no attention to requests to cancel. The only thing that made them finally cancel was when the orders stopped after his death.
And charities -- don't get me started. I think there is now one veteran charity for each person in the military. I believe most charities are to provide jobs for fundraising companies with some going to who they are supposed to benefit. I have a bad taste for charities now.
I had a nearly impossible fight to ward off charities and catalogs even though I lived in the same house. I don't know if anyone could do anything if they didn't. There are companies that want people's money so badly that they have no conscience at all about targeting seniors. I do think that 80+ mailing lists should be illegal, since anyone purchasing these lists are looking for easy marks.