Dad moved in, husband moved out.

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Dad moved in, husband moved out.

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Dad is 83, after a year of caring for him from a distance, at his request, I moved him from his Indiana home to Texas. He has alzheimer, not advanced, but he can't be alone or drive. Moderate probably. His Indiana caregiver moved with him! Saint. I put him in a facility for 3 days and it did not work out. Moved him and the caregiver then in with me to figure out what to do and my husband of only 3.5 years moved out same day. . It has been a rocky contentious relationship for the last couple of exhausting years. He has never cared for anyone needy and has no tolerance for it. Dad is wealthy so I can afford full time caregiving for him.
I have very mixed emotions about husband. But as picky as he his about everything being in its perfect place it is probably better he is not here.

Dad forgot that he begged me to move him, that he put a for sale sign on his place,, that he was wheeling and dealing the sale of his place and all his stuff, that he told everyone he knew he was leaving forever, and now he thinks I am holding him against his will. He plots his escape constantly. Flight risk squared.

I live in the country. I have dogs. I also own my own business. Part of me would like to move with him back to Indiana, but my business locks me here for now. Things were getting out of control in Indiana, and my only sibling who lives there does not help at all. My phone rung constantly one crisis after another. People were stealing from him. Nuts.

Part of me says keep him here as long as I can until the Alzheimer's gets too bad then move him to a facility. I will not move him to a facility I can not supervise. Of course that means certain divorce. Going through that at the same time as moving dad in and a caregiver my just do me in. I am a strong God loving person, but it has been real hard to get out of bed. I am 55. I need advise. This forum has helped. God love caregivers!

God must love caregivers.

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J jeannegibbs Mar 2013 · Answer 1 · 2013-03-09T16:11:18.000-0500

Wow! My heart goes out to you. What a heavy load you are shouldering right now!

Just a few observations to share -- no overall solution :(

Trying a facility for three days is not a fair trial. Many persons with dementia would take weeks or months to settle in. My Mom moved in with my sister. She has a lovely "apartment" there and loves my sister and her husband very much. They are great with her. Mom has been there 2 months and she still isn't fully settled in. These things take time.

Many people with dementia need a secure facility, to minimize flight risk or simple wandering.

My husband often claimed he was being held against his will. He even called the sheriff's office to make this claim. He lived with me in the home we'd lived in for a dozen years before his dementia was diagnosed.

I don't know if any of this information is useful. Just know that your dad's behaviors are not unique.

J JessieBelle Mar 2013 · Answer 2 · 2013-03-09T16:26:01.000-0500

How good are the chances of your husband and you patching things up? Do you want to work on your marriage, or was it too rocky? I am not one to just throw away a perfectly good marriage for a situation that is temporary and can be worked out other ways. As is usually true, Jeanne said what I was going to say. TX has some of the finest assisted living places in the US. I don't know where you are in TX, but have a look around. Since he has a caregiver, he may be even happier in an independent living facility.

Unless your marriage was already over, I think it should be your first priority. I have a feeling from what you said, though, that things were already a bit rocky. I guess you'll have to decide if your marriage is worth saving. You mentioned you were religious. A good movie to watch is "WWJD: the Woodcarver." I believe it is on Netflix if you subscribe to that. It might give you some ideas.

E ejbunicorn Mar 2013 · Answer 3 · 2013-03-21T07:50:32.000-0400

I am so sorry for you, I totally understand, my mom lives with me moderate dementia along with other diseases and I am her full time caregiver, can't afford any help, husband and I of 11 years are divorcing, men come and go, but a mom and dad are the only ones we get, It really hurts me to see husbands not have empathy, I will never remarry maybe date, maybe not, as long as I take care of mom and am good with God that really is all that matters to me, will keep you in my prayers, God Bless

M mgcarter Mar 2013 · Answer 4 · 2013-03-21T08:34:14.000-0400

When we moved our mother into an assisted living facility, it was against her will, but none of us could handle her. We were asked by the facility to not come visit for 4 weeks - just to give her a chance to accustom herself. Our first visit was tentative, at best, but now, mother doesn't even remember that she had another place. Please give your dad more time than 3 days. I betcha he will learn to like the place. We had found a facility that has music, bible study, field trips, physical exercises. They are sure to knock on her door when time for group activities, so she doesn't have too much time to brood. She's happily adjusted. I'm glad we moved her to assisted living because she wasn't eating well, missing her meds and had baracaded herself into her room, now she's integrated and doing well.

A anness Mar 2013 · Answer 5 · 2013-03-21T08:41:03.000-0400

My sympathies for all your problems that you face. What struck me was your comment about the contentious 3.5 yr marriage and your husband not tolerant of needy people so he bailed. I believe that if this man bailed on you for this situation, then he would not be there for you if and when you need him in the future in the event, e.g. you becoming sick yourself. I was married to a total narcissist for 20 years and I ended up going through a very tough divorce while I was caretaking for my mom who was a stroke survivor. I believe that divorcing him brought me eventual peace because if I hadn't it would have been in constant turmoil and stress because i would have been pulled in two different directions. this month was the 15th anniversary of my being the solo caretaker for my 91 year old mom. It is a lonely place to be at times, but that is preferable to constant turmoil in an unhappy marriage. Good luck!

V Valeriehg Mar 2013 · Answer 6 · 2013-03-21T08:49:29.000-0400

You are in going through a tough situation and it's a shame that your husband couldn't support you. But, I truly believe all things work out for the best and you are doing the right thing. Hang in there!

L lulabear Mar 2013 · Answer 7 · 2013-03-21T09:00:59.000-0400

So sorry you're in such a tough situation. Just to add to what others have said, people with dementia say a lot of things they don't mean. Resist the urge to "crisis manage". Don't swing into action and try to fix things each time an incident happens. Allow some time, consult with doctors, etc. to figure out what's really going on.

Moving him out of the facility after only a few days was probably too soon. I would consider moving him back into a facility and sticking it out longer. Give him and the staff time to get used to each other. Staff should expect this behavior from dementia patients. Maybe the facility was just a bad fit for him.

There are different kinds of facilities: some follow a social model (activities based), others follow a medical model(hospital-like). My mom currently lives at her home with a 24 hr caregiver. Her children want the best for her but she made it clear earlier in her life that under no conditions should we feel obligated to bring her into our homes. (My grandmother lived with us growing up and it caused alot of stress for my mom.). Her caregiver is wonderful but we know we will need to move her into a place eventually. We are looking into a facility that follows the "social model" for dementia care.

If you want to save your marriage, then move your dad out and ask your husband to meet you halfway. He needs to understand that you must take some time to care for your parent. That's what decent people do. Just like you would have cared for him (and he for you.... hopefully?). Don't sacrifice your happiness completely if you still want your relationship to work.

However, if you feel your husband wouldn't be there for you in sickness and health, then dealing with him may not be worth the additional strain. He's demonstrated he's not there through good times and bad. Maybe he's too immature or selfish.

Good luck.

K konacaregiver Mar 2013 · Answer 8 · 2013-03-21T09:07:40.000-0400

Always check the prescriptions he is taking because those drugs could very likely be causing his dementia and his behavior and he may not need them. Make sure your dad is taking some high quality nutritional supplements. A good vitamin B complex is excellent for the nervous system. Magnesium calms the nerves down. If he is taking a statin (cholesterol-lowering drug) TOSS IT OUT. Statins are a scam drug that lowers cholesterol and lessens the risk of a cardiovascular event by a less than 3%. Very lousy end result. At the same time, statins cause dementia, heart failure and muscle destruction. Oh and BTW, take it as a blessing in disguise that your husband moved out. You don't want a partner who cannot handle taking care of someone. Just imagine what he would do if you took ill and needed him to care for you. Good riddance to him.

K ktovar Mar 2013 · Answer 9 · 2013-03-21T09:11:30.000-0400

I feel so bad for you dealing with all of that with no support from your hiusband.
He doesn't deserve you if he is so unreasonable. I recently moved my mentally
ill son in with us and while my husband of 24 years did not move out he has been hostile and nasty to my son. I don't feel I have a choice as I will not put
my son out on the street . He is not capable of caring for himself and we cannot afford to care for him in his own place.Our husbands are being selfish and
lacking compassion.

M Millied Mar 2013 · Answer 10 · 2013-03-21T09:23:20.000-0400

Yes, I agree with you God does love caregivers and he would not put anymore on us then we can't handle. I am also a care giver for my father of 75 years old, and he too has dementia in which he is demanding more attention I am doing this by myself. I am a full time student online and work part time and I am 54 years old. Although, I am not in the situation you find yourself with your husband leaving you at a time you needed his support the most I can understand how you feel when it comes to your dad.
Maybe finding someone temporary like a life coach who can help you sort out one problem at a time it may help or finding other support group. As far as the Alzheimer's getting advance on your dad now is the time to begin looking for a facility which has a unit for Alzheimer's patient so you would be ready to release your dad into someone's else care. No one will ever care for your dad like you can however, their are people who are equip to care for him.
You have done a great job in caring for your dad now is time to let someone else help you carry the load you have been carrying. Don't allow yourself to stay in that state you find yourself in get help and support, you still have a lot to offer someone. One more type of support may help is the church and prayer. I will keep you in my prayers.
God Bless you care giver

I inmeshed Mar 2013 · Answer 11 · 2013-03-21T09:55:24.000-0400

I, too, am so sorry for you. My husband of 35 years is having a hard time with the needs of my mom who has lived with us for 10 years. We can't go off alone together. I think I need to be nicer to him! I agree with the other advice (if your marriage is WORTH saving, save it & to consider if he will be there when YOU need him) Also, be thankful you have the money to place him in a facility & do it or keep him home & hire caregivers for your own sanity & health. Know you are never alone--your Heavenly Father is always there.

I IsntEasy Mar 2013 · Answer 12 · 2013-03-21T10:02:36.000-0400

Just chiming in to agree – you need more than a few days to see if your dad will settle at an assisted living community. Something to consider – if your dad has the financial resources to keep his caregiver (who sounds like a good fit) AND pay the rent at a senior community, have you looked at independent living as an option? IL communities are generally more lively, yet still have the support, like meals, housekeeping, etc., that your dad needs. He and his caregiver could live there together and you would have the communities resources to back up the caregiver.
However, if your dad is a determined wanderer (not just an escape planner, which can be a pretty benign behavior), you'll be looking for a locked dementia unit sometime in the future. Better to do it now than when there's been a crisis.

F FedUpNow Mar 2013 · Answer 13 · 2013-03-21T10:03:43.000-0400

I have been married nearly 50 years, the last 17 in name only and the unwilling caregiver of a nasty mother-in-law who is 97 years old. The only thing she remembers is that she doesn't like me. My husband, who had 12 operations for cancer followed by a kidney transplant ten years ago insisted we take care of her in our home. He used our estrangement as an excuse to bail on this marriage without having the courage to state the truth: I don't want to be married anymore and I don't want to pay alimony. By living separately from me to live with his mother for seven years, he then brought her back to our home when I said I wouldn't live like this anymore. So now, this selfish, hateful person lives in my home. I don't have enough money to live on my own, his kidney transplant is failing and I am tortured on a daily basis. So, the husband left? I should have done so rather than lay down and play dead when it came to standing up for myself. I have been swallowed alive in care-giving. Maybe he is better off without YOU if you can't see that a spouse should come first and a parent's care, while important, should not become the only thing in your life. Good luck. You have a hard life.

R Rosemary81 Mar 2013 · Answer 14 · 2013-03-21T10:20:50.000-0400

I have been a caregiver for 12 years. In the begining i moved in to help care for my father as he had early stage Alzheimers. He then had heart problems and died. Now I take care of my mother who is a two times cancer survivor. It's hard I know. However my opinion is that if your husband cannot be around needy people, what happens if you get sick? Just a thought.
I'm 57 and I understand. I have health issues of my own. Caring for someone with Alzheimers is very difficult. You are fortunate to have help. So many of us don't. Just be sure to check out the facility very well before hand if you do make that choice, some of them are difficult to see.

C Chicago1954 Mar 2013 · Answer 15 · 2013-03-21T10:21:34.000-0400

There is a lot to be learned from your post. #1. It does not help a person with dementia to move them to another state. #2. An already iffy marriage, will not survive caring for an elderly parent. #3. Caring for someone else, takes over your whole life.

Many times being the caretaker effects your health so bad, that the caretaker dies prematurely.

I have a little info on hiring full time caretakers. A staff of 4, where I live, costs $11,000 a month and you have to pay their retirement, etc. But, you own a business, so maybe that is doable.

You can't rescue your dad. You are to be commended for trying. I suspect that your sister knows that.

M Madeaa Mar 2013 · Answer 16 · 2013-03-21T10:36:17.000-0400

As usual the answers are not clear and easy for you or any of us. The thing I find worrisome about some nursing homes is that a lot of time patients are medicated with psychotropic drugs that they do not need in order to control them. I have been told this by several friends of mine who are physicians, nurses and nurse practitioners. I have also heard about some nursing homes under investigation for their use and abuse. However, I would like to think that there are some that do not medicate those that do not need. I know that they had my mother on some meds when she was in a nursing home for two months, and she didn't know whether she was coming or going, she was just numb. Of course we do not know about your relationship and your differences with your partner, but I would consider it a red flag if my partner did not want to even discuss options with me about the care of my parent, but I could not blame him for not wanting it either, it is a tough road to go and he has to have input, it his life too. Wishing you well in figuring out what is what.

F FedUpNow Mar 2013 · Answer 17 · 2013-03-21T10:44:31.000-0400

When you have had nothing but trouble from your in-laws from day one of your marriage, they then shouldn't expect to move in with you at the end of their lives, or, worse, expect their son or daughter to dump their spouse so he or she can move in with them in their final years. I asked my mother-in-law why she had treated me this way and her honest answer was, "I never thought I would need you for anything." I cannot do this anymore. And when she finally dies, there will be nothing left between my husband and me. I didn't opt for raising my children, caring for a sick spouse, dragging his nearly dead mother through her final days and then picking up the pieces of his deteriorating life all while having my own health issues terribly neglected. You are right: caregivers do die sooner. I will never see the ripe old ages of my in-laws because I will have been killed by taking care of them.

L Labs4me Mar 2013 · Answer 18 · 2013-03-21T10:59:26.000-0400

Not all relationships are what they may appear to be, whether it is with your parent or your spouse. Sweetnoodlesue, only you can determine what is best for you. I chose my husband because he is loving and kind. My mother is very manipulative and needy with a narcisstic personality not a healthy choice for me. You have the right to chose yourself first over everyone else. This is your life and you determine how you are going to live it.

G gardener Mar 2013 · Answer 19 · 2013-03-21T11:32:00.000-0400

I would reiterate what Anness said about your husband and add the following. Since your Dad is able to afford it and you run a business, would you be willing to compromise and find some day care for people with Alzheimer's ? There is one here in Illinois. Is there one in Texas near you? While Dad is in daycare you would be able to take care of business and personal stuff. Not only this, but, being gone for several hours a day may ease him into a full-time facility that cares for him. Finally, I find it interesting that his caretaker came with him. How dear is this caretaker to take a free ride to Texas to take care of your wealthy Dad? Is this person trustworthy?

W waddle1 Mar 2013 · Answer 20 · 2013-03-21T11:54:29.000-0400

You say dad has a caregiver that moved with him and your father is wealthy. In addition, when they moved in, your husband moved out. Wouldn't a compromise be to get a place close by where the caregiver and dad could live. It would be closer than what you were dealing with and you could easily stay involved with his care and supervision, but they would not be under foot.

I think your husband was saying...it's them or me. The suggestion I noted above might bring your husband back (if the two of you want to work it out) and yet dad is close by. I don't think you, in your head, are allowing the caregiver to take a big enough role here. You're lucky dad is wealthy and can afford a caregiver and that the caregiver/companion was willing to move with him. You need to utilize that benefit more.

M momhouseme Mar 2013 · Answer 21 · 2013-03-21T12:20:54.000-0400

My thoughts are with you as well. Marriage: He moved out. It is only in crisis that you see what another person is made of its a test of their mettle. And, its ok for the facility fr a few days. Post surgery, I had to place my mom in such a place as i had had a complete melttown....it worked well. I was glad to have her home and she was glad to be back but she got the post surgical care she needed.

D Dunwoody101 Mar 2013 · Answer 22 · 2013-03-21T12:42:17.000-0400

Your husband SHOULD be your priority, not your father in his old age. Unless, of course, your husband was an asshole, in which case I would say, let 'em leave. That's my quick take on your painful situation. And, of course, if your father was a 'father' to you as a child. Period.

L Lori1943 Mar 2013 · Answer 23 · 2013-03-21T13:06:05.000-0400

If your dad is accusing you of holding him against his will, etc.etc., the behavior you describe does not sound like "moderate" alz -- more like advanced. I took care of my Alz mom for almost 13 years; she has recently passed away. I am single, but I could hardly take it myself; if I could have split, I would have! If she (or I) had had the means, which you say you have, to put her into assisted living or a nursing home, I would have done it in a New York minute. Since the caregiver came with him, and you have the means, maybe you could rent an apartment for the two of them close by. Many folks resist assisted living but come to like it. I have a friend in a similar situation--it was a big fight to get her mom into assisted living and she carried on for about six weeks. Now she loves it, and often when my friend goes to visit her, she is too busy with her new friends and all the activities to take the time to BE visited!! As for the husband, he does not sound like much of a prize, so maybe good riddance. Still, you should not have to sacrifice your marriage to your Alz father, especially since he has the financial means for alternative care.

G gsw92498 Mar 2013 · Answer 24 · 2013-03-21T13:30:33.000-0400

The only reason my Mom's here is that she's not wealthy or even has enough. I see no reason for him to be in your house. Believe me, you'll be sorry he's there. He has someone to care for him. Let her/him. Unless you are happy that your husband is gone, I guess this was the catalyst you needed to get rid of him.

M memsobelle Mar 2013 · Answer 25 · 2013-03-21T15:46:43.000-0400

Hang in there, you ARE doing the right thing. Also make sure that you have your dad checked for a UTI (urinary tract infection) from time to time because they do tend to sneak up on the eldery and it can make them positively crazy and accentuate their dementia. (learned from experience)

As someone said above, men do come and go....your parents are "forever". My long term boyfriend of 13 years broke up with me on the phone when I had come home to look after my parents on yet another trip. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have since met a wonderful man with my same family values who adores my father, does everything he can to help and was beyond kind to my mother before she died (he would play her Johnny Cash on his i-phone to keep her calm when we were forever ending up in the emergency room, went with me to claim her body when she passed away in rehab, kissed her good-bye and as we walked out the door, he stopped and turned to her and said, "don't worry, I have your girl").

Do what you need to for your dad, make sure you speak with an eldercare attorney to make sure that you have all bases covered and think hard about whether your marriage is something that you REALLY want to save...or if maybe in all this heartache, finding out now that your husband walked out on you in a situation like this was the silver lining in this dark cloud. This could have been him walking out on YOU down the road if you needed him.

All my best wishes to you.

L ldome2 Mar 2013 · Answer 26 · 2013-03-21T17:35:01.000-0400

This man is not worth his salt if he would flee when you are in crisis .

K Knimrod Mar 2013 · Answer 27 · 2013-03-21T17:48:49.000-0400

I cared for dad in my home for 5 years. He has alcoholic dementia. He was very, very resistant to a nursing home. I have used respite care for a few weeks a year and he hated it. He fell in November and broke a hip. He had 3 months of rehab and didn't want to leave the nursing home. I just got back from visiting him and he is healthy and happy. The home has restored our relationship. We're back to father-son and we look forwardd to seeing each other.

R Reverseroles Mar 2013 · Answer 28 · 2013-03-22T00:04:34.000-0400

Sounds like if you got sick, he would leave too, who needs that? Would he not want you to take care of him if he were sick? Marraige is a give and take and understanding. I've been married over 37 years and Mom lives with us, my husband helps me at night when he gets home, he understands, thank God. Marraige is for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Think long and hard about this husband who left, maybe he was looking for a way out, but to walk out? I feel so bad for you but I do agree you are doing the right thing, bless you!

B bellas Mar 2013 · Answer 29 · 2013-03-22T01:46:14.000-0400

I agree to your choice of moving your dad to be near you. Other posts say, and it is true, that it takes more than 3 days to adjust to a care facility, well, it takes more than whatever amount of time has now gone by since the move for you to adjust to all the new circumstances with your dad being there. Be kind to yourself and allow for a slow learning curve as you navigate this new endeavor of love for your dad. As to your husband: he is a narcissist, he will never be there for you when you need him! I am married to one now for 39 years and you are blessed that yours left when he did as I am now my narcissistic husbands caretaker and it is a living hell. When I had cancer a number of years ago, it was also a living hell because he was so verbally and emotionally abusive to me and I was too sick and scared to do anything about it! Now he expects me to wait on him hand and foot and complains when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it...Do not stay married to someone who has no empathy, they will destroy the loving person you obviously are. And if you ever date or think of getting married again, read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" first so you are not attracted to the same kind of man. Off topic but important IMO.

Dad moved in, husband moved out.

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