While I read the posts and contribute if I have anything additional good to say, which I usually dont as there are already other good comments, I have not posted in a while
Some know I have an elderly mom who has OCD, is demanding, unappreciative, makes me feel like you know what despite my doing my best trying to help her as she is 91, lost my dad a few years ago, and is very needy both logistically and emotionally.
Some have said she is narcistic which I dont see, as she is not flashy or look at me, but people say she is more a covert rather than over narcissist. I can see that.
But with most everyone else including her friends, relatives, and my two brothers, she is yes very intense and hyper and tires one out fast, but she is not mean and demanding like she is with me. Even my two brothers see how I am her whipping post.
People who do know here like my sisters in law, her primary care physician and others have wondered how I do it. Her PC doctor says she is in a room with my mom for ten minutes and is worn out
Her independent living facility has a van which will take her to appointments certain times of the week within six miles, and I thought we had an understanding that I will take her to things further than that if she takes the van when she can but she whines like a little kid saying none of her friends at her facility take the van.
Anyway, based on advice from this forum, I have learned more how to set boundaries and say no. But then this ensues with constant griping and complaining and shaming. So I either give in or put up with this stuff.
I live in a northern clime and would like to get away somewhere warm for a few weeks. (I am retired early but luckily am financial secure, so need to be thankful for that, but that just in her mind makes me more available). But she shames me when I say I want to go away a few weeks. Her own brother, who is 95, and totally the opposite of her in terms of disposition and complaining has two daughters and a granddaughter who help with him They are going to Mexico for three weeks. Instead of complaining, he tells me how happy he is they can take a break as they do so much for him. Instead, my mom gripes, saying I need to call every day. I said part of the reason frankly I am leaving is not only the weather but to get away from her constant spewing of anxieties every day. I say call one of my other brothers. She said one lives 1000 miles away and one works full time. I say I cannot be helpful if I am in Florida or somewhere. I remind my mom how her brothers kids are going to Mexico for three weeks and Charlie is happy about that. She responds, but Charlies girls do so much for him otherwise, And I dont I though? One time at a holiday event she said, Kevin, look how much Charlie's girls do for him. One of those very girls scolded my mom saying, Jeannie, my dad has three people watching over him, you have ONE. You shoud appreciate that. Naturally it did not sink in.
Last week it hit a head. I was on the phone with her forementioned brother while at her apartment trying to get information about the walker, hearing aids, etc he uses so I can help my mom more in what to choose. Then we chatted. She goes, I want you to hang up now. I said Uncle Charlie, my mom wants me to hang up, so we did. Then she yells at me why I told Uncle Charlie I needed to hang up, I should nothave said that. I said you should not have said that to begin with. She wonders why I cant alk to Charlie for ten minutes but not her. I said first of all I talk to Charlie once every three our four weeks so there is more to talk about, unlike two or three times a day but also, I added, Charlie is pleasant to talk to, she is not. I and I pointed out that her demand I hang up NOW is an example of how unpleasant she is to be with
Anyway, dont know what to do anymore. Just venting.
You plan your time away. Then the day before you leave, tell ur Mom ur leaving and will see her in the Spring. Ask brother to look in on her. I see no problem in calling her daily. Pick a time of day. Maybe after dinner. When she gets started tell her you didn't call her to hear her b***h so u will hang up. I would block her number so you don't get her calls. This way ur in controll.
Seems ur the daughter and expected to do the care. Brother working f/t does not mean he can't check up on her. I bet you cared for her and u worked f/t too.
Are you spending a lot of your time at her place everyday? Maybe you should cut down on that. Make your calls to your Uncle when ur not with her. She should be taking advantage of what the IL provides.
Your mother says jump, and you ask "How high?" So she keeps telling you to jump higher & higher until the top of your head is flat as a pancake from hitting it on the ceiling so often and you're still asking her "How high?" and it's STILL not high enough for her.
Stop the insanity. Make it happen as only YOU can do.
Go on vacation and turn your phone OFF while you're gone. Tell one of your siblings to text you ONLY if mother dies while you're gone & you'll see if you can get a flight back home. Otherwise, you are 100% incommunicado for the duration. Period.
Perhaps when you get home your mother will realize she missed you, even with all of your 'imperfections' and 'annoyances'. And maybe when you get home, the top of your head won't be so flat anymore b/c you won't have been jumping to mom's orders the whole time you were gone. You'll have experienced what true freedom felt like & being treated like a human being for a while and it'll make you a whole new person who's no longer willing to put up with your mother's CRAP anymore.
That is my wish for you, Kevin. And to have a blast while you're gone!
Since she’s ALWAYS going to be unhappy and unreasonable, why not do what you like?
I feel the pressure! Not at your lengthy post (I enjoy a tale) but that whir-whir-whirring of your Mom's mind going-going-going. That anxiety that means she tries to control EVERTHING.
What to do? Sigh.
Well your boundary making is really coming along 💪💪. It is HARD to keep to ALL the consequences when Mom is a hammer at your head! You.need.to.make.it.stop. Same for the whiney.. but you are doing well! If you picked every single battle to fight, you would have ZERO peace.
Like body surfing, the waves will keep coming, all differ a bit. You can choose the ones to jump over, the ones to duck under & the ones to ride on top.
Just thinking what I used to do... let some requests fall unheard "what? Sorry?" Play deaf. (That never really worked for me..). Duck under some requests, fob off for another day, "we'll see". Pick the ones to stand firm on. State your response then say nothing. Silence from you until she runs out of steam..
And please please please take that holiday somewhere warm!
Start planning today ⛱️🏜️
Where do you want to go?
Go to Florida for two weeks. Or maybe Punta Cana.
Turn off your damn phone. Tell your brothers that you are taking a LONG vacation to re-evaluate just how much abuse you are willing to take from your mother.
When you get back, find a therapist and have a couple of sessions before you speak with your mother again.
When you speak to her, if she whines or complains, get up and leave, saying kindly "I'll be back when you're feeling better". And just leave.
Stop arguing, stop engaging. Decide on your limits, stick to them and stop doing this dance with her.
Funerals and burial are for the benefit of the living. There are no rules as to when they should be held. Absolutely no reason to incur the inconvenience and expense of getting on the first flight home if mom dies. Any arrangements that must be taken care of immediately can be done by another family member, or by phone, text or email. If mom is not being cremated, the funeral home can store her body until the family is ready. You will have plenty to do once you DO return home. Don't be guilted or bullied into cutting your vacation short. Enjoy your time! You deserve it!