First Christmas as an 'orphan'.

I join you in that Christmas is also not my favorite holiday, and after losing my last parent two years ago, the feeling just intensified. I don’t hate it, I still do the shopping, decorating, baking, etc. but a lot of the joy of it has diminished. My dad held together the last of the family traditions I grew up with. They all came to a screeching halt when he died and it seems like no one even noticed. No gifts between my siblings or their families and us, no dinners, no holiday church services together, it all vanished. I still have those moments of wanting to call dad and tell him some news….not sure when that stops. And I’m glad to have my adult children together for Christmas, we enjoy each other’s company and I’m still instilling tradition in them. No grandchildren or anyone married yet. The holidays feel quieter, which is both good and not. I admire your paring down the gifts, we’ve done much the same with extended family, just buying for our adult children now. Christmas does make me miss the past and those I’ve lost. I wish you peace, and the smile that comes with a happy memory

I think that christmas is only magical because someone is behind the scenes making it happen, and it's shocking if/when to torch is passed to you.... I suspect our parents and grandparents felt the same way when their time came. In my family nobody has taken it on and as a result there is no holiday, birthday or get together of any kind that isn't fraught with disagreement, if it is celebrated at all.

Midkid,
I read your posts and you are kind, helpful and offer good advice, which I am sure helped others. A lot!
So be kind to yourself, grieve as much as you need to.
I am doing minimalistic Xmas, then I bought big Xmas tree with huge ornaments but little gifts.
Decided to resume our tradition of big Xmas Eve, even amidst many problems with my husbands Parkinson’s being worse and other concerns.
For several years few friends and family lost LO‘s.
Xmases were mixture of sadness and celebration, memories good and bad.

i’m sending you big, warm, healing hugs!!!

Sending you hugs, from a gal that is mourning her parents, who are ten minutes away, but covid did a number on our caregiving sister, who has isolated them, intensely. She has everything delivered, telemed doctor visits 95% of the time, she’s afraid to walk to the mailbox, on ice, if she might fall and leave them stranded, at the hands of their three older daughters. She knows the only person they want to help them with their needs is her. It’s hard to watch, and has meant not seeing our parents. I will never talk to my mom and dad, without a mask on, even tho we socially distance like pros, and all are vaccinated, up to date. Does not matter, and we accept the rules, saying nothing. Our sister is keeping them alive, making sure she keeps them safe from us, is often how it feels. Then, I tell myself, to get over it, and be grateful no one wants me that bad, not even my husband.

I made tentative plans this morning, with my two year younger sister, to repeat our Christmas Eve visit, like last year. The third down sister gets all holiday and special days on the “actual” day. We do not fight it, as she is needy. And mean. My point, which is being lost, I have been mourning my parents for years, and resigning myself to seeing them very rarely in the future, and it hurts, but I get it. By the time my help “will be allowed”, my parents will most likely not know who is am. I live one day at a time, for decades and good at my steps, for sanity. I will help, if I can.

I wanted to send my condolences on your loss, and I appreciate the advice you’ve given, as it has helped me. I’m making the holidays special, every year for our small primary family, daughter, husband, son, and sweetie. My mom got tired in life mid 50’s, depressed by life events she had no control over, e.g. grandchild getting diagnosed with leukemia day before Christmas, many friends dying from cancer, third down daughters divorce, with four kids involved, way too invested in that situation, and they remarried, mom was always choosing not see half FULL cups. Hers were empty.

I see gratitude in everything, and half FULL cups. I’m one whose house was and is, always wildly decorated, inspired by my four year old sick niece, wanting g to make every single holiday going forward THE BEST!!! I decided to be uplifting, screw life beating us down. She loved it. We lost her at 29 to sepsis, and that loss overwhelmed my mom. Firstborn grandchild. She mourned more than my best friend sister, and husband.

As I get ready for tomorrow, and prepare for our only two guests, daughter and hubby are driving 400 miles through the winter, freezing cold and dark, in Alaska, to get to us. It humbled me, their desire to be with us. They have his wonderful small family there. They get them for Christmas. I take our son and sweetie, to airport tonight, so they can holiday with his best friend’s family. His best friend committed suicide, the day after Christmas four years ago, an ex Marine, so I share my boy with her, happily. Choose to make yourself as content as you can, talk to your loved ones, like I do, wherever they are. My niece has heard from me all day. This is a hard thing, almost can’t find the words to say how hard, be good to you. Soon January will be here. Thank God.

I say good for you. Good for doing the simple things you want. I hope you find peace and joy in the things you experience this year. I hope you are comforted by all your wonderful Christmastime memories of years gone by. I hope you make many pleasant new ones too.

When my mom's dementia began several years ago the burden of carrying on the family traditions fell on me I think mainly because I am the only female in my generation on both sides of the family. This year I am a burned out caregiver so am not hosting anything at all for Thanksgiving nor Christmas. Interestingly neither I nor mom have received a single invitation for either....apparently no one really misses it/us that much. There is no magic unless I make it.

Peace to you.

(((((((((((((((( HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

Thank you all.

I have tried to talk this out with my DH but he doesn't do emotions and thinks I need to 'get over' my mom's death. (He hadn't even seen her in almost 4 years before she died and so, to him, she passed ages ago.) His go-to emotion for anything that upsets me is anger, which is not helpful. I have talked to him many times, telling him that I am going to have sad days, and the best thing he can do is to give me a hug and help me out if I need something to be done. Instead he makes fun of me, or chastises me for not being 'social'.

I have done 100% of the holiday planning, etc., as per usual. I am not hosting Tgiving and I am NOT doing a 2nd dinner on Sunday for those who won't be with us today. I really do not enjoy the holidays and have not for many years. I do not feel that Christmas has one single thing to do with Christ and so I just go along with the 'other' parts of the holidays. Even doing a minimum, it's still a LOT as I have a big family.

Also, I am feeling, well, not guilty, but responsible b/c mom really, really wants the family to stay close and we are not going to do it. She wanted me to be the 'one' who organized parties and I told her I wouldn't. I know the first year is the hardest. Not one sibling wanted to do anything 'together', so that was easy.

I'm exceptionally blessed with wonderful kids, inlaws, grandkids--that's not the issue. It's just the heightened emotions and incredible amount of prep work for a meal that's over in 20 minutes. I'm an 'empath' and being around a lot of people, even people I adore, is exhausting beyond belief. (any other empaths around here? It's awful, isn't it? To feel everyone else's emotions and your own, too.

Luckily, just as I get sick and tired of DH, he has to go out of town and this week he does. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really, really need a break from him.

Again, thanks for your support and non-judgment. It's nice to come here and be lifted up, everyone needs that in their lives!

My Mom kept things together. She would bake up a storm, have the holiday meals and invite everyone. Me, I think I have done 2 Turkey meals in 41 yrs of marriage. I don't know how Mom did it and was able to sit down and enjoy her hard work.

I don't know Midkid if you ever stop thinking "I have to go see Mom today". Since Mom had Dementia for at least 6 years, it was hard watching her leave us little by little. Dementia aged her, she got old and frail. I did not "mourn" as such when she passed at 89. It was a blessing. I had stopped attending church when she lived with me. It was too overwhelming for her. I tried to return, but just not the same. I could just not sit in the pew we had sat together in for years. I tear up when I hear "All Is Well With My Soul" the hymn she wanted sung at her funeral. With the holidays coming up we will talk about those big dinners and how we miss and the relatives who attended who now are gone.

You will always grieve. It may not hurt as much, but you will grieve. You can't help it. Life will take back over. You will have those "moments". I just saw a top when shopping and thought, "that would be something Aunt Betty would wear". She has been gone since 1999 at the age of 80.

Mid - in life things change and sometimes that is a good thing, I think you are still doing a lot. I'm glad you have decided not to be Santa. On the whole I e-transfer money to my kids and grands which they seem to appreciate. I simply can't do the shopping any more.

That you are still grieving is perfectly normal. There are times it is harder - 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year, holidays, birthdays any special days. Slowly the grief takes more of a back seat in your life. When does that "Oh, I should run see mom today" go away? It decreases in time. For me it has turned into - I wish I could... with...again.

Please don't feel guilty - you have nothing to feel guilty about. Everyone else is doing as they please. You can too. ((((hugs))))

My MIL's continued existence is what keeps my husband's family together. She would want everyone to stay close after she's gone, too, but since every holiday disintegrates into a fight between at least two siblings (there are seven of them, plus spouses, plus 18 grandchildren), I'm hopeful that this charade ends when she goes. I think most of the family feels the same way.

I understand your feelings completely. My dad died the day before Thanksgiving four years ago, so that year the holidays were absolutely miserable for everyone. You're allowed to not feel festive this year, and you certainly don't have to keep anything the same from this point on. What you mother might have wanted is not necessarily going to be the case. Families shift and rearrange as people leave the fold whether it's a death, marriage, or simply growing up and moving out.

What you shouldn't do is call yourself an orphan. The influence of your parents shaped you and will be with you the rest of your life. They were much more than their physical shell, so don't diminish them to that.

I did the 'orphan' thing with the sibs. I really don't refer to myself as one, since, gosh, I am 66 years old and competent. I think it was more that most of my friends lost both parents years ago. It was just a momentary 'aha' moment.

I'm lucky to have wonderful kids and grandkids. Dh is kind of a pain these days, but that's no different than usual. My sibs are all dealing with their own issues of grief and such. Hopefully, 2023 will bring us some peace and a lot of healing.

We already have one wedding to look forward to! My nephew got engaged on Thanksgiving to a wonderful woman and we are all happy for him. (Terrible, terrible first marriage that cost him dearly, emotionally and financially). He deserves happiness.

Mid: One of the silver linings of getting older, losing our parents & traditions, when we too are aging & tire more easily, usually our offspring can, if they care to do so, pick up the torch.

If none of them wish to do so, we find solace in the knowing, it wasn't as valued as we might have thought.

You are doing yourself an invaluable service in the realization you need to, for your own sake, dial it all down.

Hang in there, the holidays aren't easy for everyone.

Mid,

You’re still grieving. These first holidays are going to hit you hard.

I remember the very first Fathers Day after my dad died was really tough for me.

I went into a store to buy my husband a card for Father’s Day. I started to read the cards and I had to leave the store and go sit in my car.

I broke down in tears right in the middle of the store thinking about my dad. I composed myself and went back inside to buy the card.

I think it is great that you aren’t placing as much pressure on yourself about gifts. I stopped buying as much as before too. It’s a relief. Isn’t it?

My father grew up in a large farm family. They were very poor. He often said to us that Christmas was just like any other day. If they got an orange in their stockings (which were old socks), they considered themselves lucky.

Daddy’s story kind of puts things into perspective for me.

Wishing you the merriest of holidays that will create the most beautiful and meaningful memories to cherish.

Thanksgiving Day was lovely. Time for my girls to grow up and handle this huge undertaking. They did it beautifully and I am glad to pass it off to them.

Weirdly, a couple days after Tgiving, I really felt blue, Just sad, sad, sad. I am not really mourning mom, she was ready to go---but I felt lousy and couldn't put my finger on it, but I guess that is the point of grief, it just comes and hits and then eventually leaves.

Saw none of my sibs, we haven't met as a family for many, many years. No bad feelings, just is what it is.

Christmas is almost all done. We have a lot of service projects we're going to help with and that will be nice. This is probably the last year I 'knock myself out' for my family. I only have one 'Santa believer' and I'll keep it up for him.

If I can just find the energy to finish the lap quilt for DH. He sits in his recliner at night and the heat drops and he gets so cold. That's all he's getting and he won't get me anything. All I wanted was for my expensive patio doors to be installed by Christmas! ( a 10 month wait on those--it was insane). They were installed on Monday last week and are beautiful.

Everyday, hopefully, feeling better and more stable.

Mid,

I am glad that Thanksgiving Day was nice with your family.

There comes a point in time when we do get tired of organizing family gatherings.

Sounds like your family did a great job of taking over the reins!

It is difficult for everyone to be able to be together for holidays.

Holidays shouldn’t be a stressful time for families. It’s fine to celebrate individually or in smaller groups.

Do you hand stitch or machine stitch your quilts? Quilts are a beautiful gift.

I am glad that your doors were installed. Houses and cars are never maintenance free! It is a pain to keep up with.

I agree that Santa is fun for the little ones. Oh my gosh, I have so many memories regarding the hours that we spent on ‘elf’ duty preparing for Christmas. It’s fun but a relief when it’s over.

Yesterday I went to see my SIL who had a hip replacement done a month ago. She is the wife of the YB who had mom living with them for 25 years.

I could not believe the change in my SIL!! She actually invited me in and sat down and talked to me for an hour. We have always gotten along, but she is pretty quiet, for the most part and I honestly can't say I know her very well. I do know that having mom there was a bit difficult for her--but I never really heard her complain or say anything negative. (And she certainly could have)

She is feeling so much better, getting this hip replaced. I hadn't even noticed how much she had been limping to get around. She was actually--can I say this w/o sounding awful--euphoric? She has her home back. The smells are gone. My brother is happier and less stressed.

Here I had been kind of wallowing in my own sad moments and to see the positive side of mom not being there--well, I wasn't prepared for the upbeat attitude that SIL had.

She knows how grateful I am to her for all she did--behind the scenes, for the most part, and for always supporting YB. It truly helped me to be 'glad' that mom is gone and her pain is over and at least their family can return to some kind of normalcy.

This was good for me--to see and feel past my own little self. Of course I still have moments and will for a while, but they aren't awful and I'm beginning to feel better that mom is gone. Christmas was always hard (mom lost her daddy on Dec. 19th and the funeral was on the 23rd--60 years ago. She never got over it and the holidays were always fraught with her grief).

I appreciate everyone who has reached out to me. You may be cyber friends, but you're wonderful and I personally feel the love & compassion you share.

Mid, what a lovely bright spot in what has always sounded like a dark place--YB's home.

I'm so glad for SIL and by extension YB and family. Time for them to heal.

(((Hugs))))

Mid,

Now that your brother and SIL no longer have the responsibility of caring for your mom, things will be drastically different for them.

Let’s face it. A huge weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. They are free to relax now and I certainly hope that they will have many happy years together.

It’s wonderful that you and your sister in law were able to spend time with one another catching up on things.

So good to read your update with the weight off of your SIL. I’m glad you got to experience her happiness.

And, yes. For your Mom as well. Free from all her hurts. 🙂

On the side--YB does not know it but he is inherting 4/5ths of mom's estate, not just his 1/5th. OS, YB and I are giving him our inheritance. None of us needs it and we feel this will go some ways towards making him whole.


If nothing else, $50K will help to clean out the apartment and put down new floors. Right now they are not even going in there.

I'm hoping against hope that the last details are being handled and YB and his wife will get a bigger check before Christmas. This is what mom would have wanted, we all feel this way. (Not YS, she is always living so close to the bone-but that's not here nor there).

I think for me, doing this will help to help me heal, in a way.

If they are not going into moms apartment who is taking care of the bird?

I think it is great the siblings are giving brother the money but it really is his fault he ruined 25 years of his life caring for mom and allowing her to effectively destroy his house with her hoarding and mental issues.

Too bad he doesnt use that money for some counseling.

mid - I am so glad you had a good experience with sil. I am sure life will be easier for them now that your mum has passed, even though there will be some grief. I think even that visit is part of the healing. (((((hugs)))))

Mid,

I am glad that your brother is going to receive the bulk of your mom’s estate so he can make necessary repairs.

Shared homes can become complicated and difficult situations.

I have a cousin that allowed his elderly mom to pay for an addition that was built onto his home. He saw it as an investment opportunity and planned to use the space as a rental after his mom died. His wife reluctantly agreed to the idea.

My cousin and his wife started having problems. They divorced and my cousin ended up moving out of the home.

When he left the home his wife was faced living with her former mother in law living in the addition. They were all miserable with their circumstances.

My elderly cousin felt like she didn’t have to leave because she paid for the addition. My cousin’s wife didn’t want her to be there because she is a busybody who interferes in everything.

It was a complicated mess that went on for years!

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it. Katrina destroyed their home.

My cousin’s wife moved into another home with her children.

My elderly cousin went to live with her other son. She failed to get along with her daughter in law.

My elderly cousin is a neat freak and didn’t think her daughter in law cleaned well enough, so she would clean up after her and move everything around and it drove my cousin’s wife mad. So they asked her to move out.

My elderly cousin ended up living in an ‘independent living’ senior apartment where she is still living at and is happy. She will cook and clean for the other residents. They love her! She is happy because she is in control and her OCD cleaning is appreciated by her neighbors. They love her cooking as well.

Only one son speaks to her now. The one that allowed her to add onto his home. She had two daughters, one had a heart attack and died and the other one lives far away and they had a falling out years ago.

I wonder how many divorces occur when parents place stress on a marriage. Very often the entire family becomes stressed from elderly parents.

I know some of you think I am crazy for gifting my inheritance to YB, but it's the right thing to do.

When YB built on to his home, my parents were supposed to pay for the addition, which would allay the cost of a higher mortgage for YB and then he would be able to keep mom & dad together, all the eggs in one basket, so to speak.

Unbeknownst to YB, OB (now deceased) had gotten mom and dad to 2nd mortgage their home and he lost all the money in a crazy scheme. When it came time to pay for all the supplies, etc (YB and BsIL did all the work themselves)...the parents had only a tiny nest egg--not the $250K they should have had, but only about $20K. The add-on was $60K. Brother refinanced his home and worked double shifts and we other sibs kicked in extra $$ when needed. So brother has always been 'house poor'. He NEEDED the bigger house, but couldn't afford it. Just a hot mess for a few years. He's never had a decent car to drive and money has always been tight, until all the girls were old enough to work FT and pay rent. But he had about 18 years of living 'tight'. Mother paid for cable and 1/4 of the electric bill and that was it.

I can't give YB back his youth and his health. A lot of things he did were dumb, to be honest, but he chose to keep mom in his home and he CHOSE to not allow in extra CG's or anyone to care for her. While I did not agree with that--he really ruined his health by trying to be everything to everyone. He's only 58 and is not in good health at all.

I do not need the money. I told my DH that I was rescinding my inheritance and he said "That's the right thing to do." DH has a moral compass that points true north, for sure.

I personally feel that I will come away from this feeling better and more able to move on in my life. Yesterday, for some reason, was a 'bluesy-blue- day and I ended up curled up in bed with a good book. I try to respect those days that I don't 'feel good'.

Oh, and those darned birds? SIL doesn't go into the apartment at all and I guess they're still there. Stupid as a rock, they just eat and poop. We don't even know their names. YB has made no effort to rehome them and I'm sure he could. He just won't, and I bet he never will. Cockatiels are known for living long lives.

Mid - you have my support. I thought that with the majority of remaining siblings on the same page about their inheritance there had to be a back story that justified it, not that you need to justify that kind of decision. It's yours to do with as you wish. I can see that you very strongly feel it is the right thing to do.

Blue days will come and go. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to them. Glad you are honouring them. That's the right thing to do too.

Re the birds - for YB, they are what is materially left of your mother and he can't bear to part with them, at this point anyway . It is part of his grieving. Perhaps one day he will be ready to let them go. Perhaps not. As long as they are confined to one space, and not costing him an arm and a leg or destroying his environment, they aren't doing too much damage, I suppose. Let him have whatever comfort he gets from them. He needs it. We all let go at our own rates and in our own ways. ((((hugs))) to you in your grief journey.

Golden--
Thanks for your kind words.

Yeah, I find it extremely weird that those awful birds weren't the first thing out the door. They have not been stellar pets--as cockatiels can be. We had one that sang, talked, answered questions, was able to be handled and trained. Mom's old birds are just alive and that's all. YB has no emotionally attachment, he just has a lazy streak in him a mile wide and if you push him at all--he pushes back. I think now his wife has had her hip replaced and he's not taking care of her, he might do it. Although, he's set to have BOTH hips replaced in January, and then March. (He's been grossly obese for all his adult life and that takes a toll).

I can tell SIL doesn't even want to go into the apt b/c those birds are still there. Feathers and dander is everywhere, as they molt continuously. YB is moving at a glacial pace after the initial frantic behavior. We're all doing the best we can!