It seems so easy, I made an accessible ramp so mom can get to the backyard for mothers day
she might have said "thank you", she might have said "I don't like it"
instead she said; " I'll never use it"
just to be spiteful.
I'm so tempted to disassemble it and throw away the lumber.
Now I say all that with the surmise that your Mom is otherwise quite a lovely Mom. Or at least as grateful as the average Mom. I think about the only response is "Oh, I am sad to hear that. I meant it as a gift to make things easier for you.
Don't throw lumber. It is tremendously expensive just now! Sell it!
And I wish you a Happy Mother's Day. If you can possibly access the AmyTan 2 hour special on PBS American Masters Series, do so. It is also streamed on PBS.org. It is quite wonderful in terms of mother-daughter relationships, as is her book Joy Luck Club.
Have a great day!
You spend ages working and feeling like you will be making a positive contribution (which will be praised and admired for your ingenuity and thoughtfulness) and then the whole gesture comes crashing down with a dismissive comment.
But let's take a step back...
Has your mother requested a ramp? And have you considered what it represents?
Mobility aids, home installations, and the like all point the finger at proud individuals and say "You are not that capable anymore" no matter how useful they can be (my parents kept their brand new wheelie walkers in the cupboard for years due to the stigma of being branded as 'old' or 'infirm' - in their 80's!).
Consider this...
If someone bought you a cardigan or a pair of braces in your 20's or 30's, might you not be feeling a little demeaned?
Despite the response, you did a good thing which, if not now, then in time will be valued for the facility it provides - you may never hear a word when that happens, but it will be appreciated nonetheless.
Her frustration manifests in ugly episodic behavior.
She uses every power left of her faculties to rain heck on anyone willing to witness her train wreck of a life. We're so lucky she has $ to maintain her aging at home.
She is what would be a problem to any assisted care.
Truly, I have to accept there is no solution to her neurosis
I picked up a yard of compost and moved some soil to the cement pad porch, I have 10 large decorative pots to put a few flowers in with the dirt I am preparing to place on the easily accessible cement porch. I made a watering station she can simply turn a valve on to water it all.
She asked for the flower pots and the ramp.
I bought the materials for her for Mother's day and constructed it yesterday.
She could have said anything...
She, simply put, wanted to hurt me.
If I pull the plug on this experiment, she will be in al or worse in a year. Physically on her own she cannot do anything but toilet and transfer from her bed. She can still prepare her own frozen microwave meals and the such, but honestly that is becoming difficult for her on some days so instead she'll eat 4 bananas!
I really do have empathy for her, but her meanness is absolutely unwelcome.
Balancing my impulse to abandon her with the reality of how easy it is not to has me grinding my teeth
WHY does she have to push everyone to dislike her?
I have a theory she wants no one to love her.
She wants to end life with less people loving her than when she started.
My mother WANTS a ramp built out the front door--YB (whose house it is) refuses because he knows she'll go DOWN but hasn't the strength to go UP. And all she'll do is sit and harrass the mailman. Plus, walking on a ramp for the 7 other people who live in the house is difficult. There's only 2 steps--mom's dr said for her to go up and down them several times a day or she'll lose the ability to do it at all. Of course she doesn't do it, nor does she do her PT or walk 25 'exercise' steps twice a day. She probably only walks >50 in her ADL's and then she sits. She won't even go inside the grocery store because she has to walk about 50 steps to get a motorized cart. She told me last week she wants a PowerChair--and I was very brutal in saying when she went to that, there wasn't room in her apt and we'd have to move her to a NH. Boy, did she get mad. Then she said she was giving up and just getting the wheelchair out. Same thing--it's an old one and too wide by about 3" to fit through the door. Plus she hasn't got the strength to roll herself.
Once she's wheelchair bound, she moves the a NH. This makes her furious, but it is what it is.
Of all the sibs I am the only one who tells her like it is. She hates that, and I hate being the bad guy, but she gets these ideas and no one tells her they won't work.
(I hate mother's day with a passion. So glad when this fake holiday is OVER. And I adore my kids and they tolerate me pretty well.)
Your mom sounds like my grandmother. Every holiday that involved her getting a gift was an exercise in futility. There was just "the perfect" gift out there for her. She had absolutely NO idea what that might be, and could give you absolutely NO guidance to think of it yourself, but boy oh boy, did she let you hear it when she opened up whatever it was you got and it wasn't "the perfect" gift! The BEST reaction you might get was the "who farted?" look; but usually it was a derisive, nasty comment about your choice. After a while it got to be almost comical; we (sisters and I) would put together a pool to see who got the worst reaction.
I would leave it assembled for now. "Never" is a long, long time, and she might decide, after some thought, she wants to take advantage of it. Besides, if she's anything like me dear grandma, the SECOND you disassemble it, she'll berate you on that, too ("Why did you do that? I was going to use it! How do you expect me to get into the garden now?!")
Again, I totally empathize; I hope you have a nice day, regardless!
Been there.
Avoiding the Mother’s Day visit for this and many other reasons.
You did a good thing! Even though your mother didn’t appreciate it, that was a kind and loving gift! 🥰
Sadly, this happens to many sons and daughters when trying to please a parent.
Vent all you like! Then as they say, consider the source. I have learned not to have extremely high expectations of people that I know aren’t appreciative of my efforts. Yes, they hurt our feelings. Many people on this forum will empathize with your situation.
Thanks for your clarification.
Point taken and absolutely justified - I live it every day too. My dad considers assistance as some sort of liability or emotional debt (as any decent person would regard), but he is incapable of ever repaying it - physically, mentally, (financially he could but has never offered!). Perhaps it is this realisation that leads such people to downplay (denigrate) any gesture of kindness lest they be held to account?
I just remind myself it is the right thing to do and to expect recompense defeats the essence of helping where I can (but it's still hard to accept nonetheless).