Follow
Share

My dad's home health help has quit or can't come. He won't hire an agency because one treated him bad years ago. He hasn't had a bowel program this week. I am going down tomorrow. I have bathed my dad when needed, changed clothes, all of those things. But the bowel program is not something I want to do. I know my dad changed my diapers, I've changed my kids diapers. I will do my best. My dad feels bad but feels like he is going to poop his pants. My dad has a spinal cord injury. I will do what is needed but sometimes I wish things were different.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing

52 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Dear smilebeth,

I'm so sorry, I know you have a lot on your plate caring for your own family and your dad. It is perfectly understandable that cleaning up after an adult bowel movement is not pleasant. I know you will do what you have to but I hope you can find another agency or nurse, or aid to assist your dad in the future.

I had do this for my dad as well. Sometimes I would have to take him into the shower so he could be clean and comfortable. I would wear disposable gloves like a nurse and use baby wipes to clean up as much as I could first. We all know how uncomfortable we would be if this is not handled properly or if there are tissues stuck.

Do the best you can. I don't know if there is another family member or friend that could assist you if needed.
(10)
Report
Thanks. Nope no other family. Both brothers have issues. One in prison. Other states away. Just me. I love my dad. His refusal to get help makes me nuts, I even moved and quit my job 10 years ago to help. But its his way or no way. I'm understanding of independence and think how I would feel. But sometimes Its too much.
(10)
Report
Smilebeth, my heart goes out to you. I've been in your shoes. There just isn't an easy way to deal with it, but your dad is very blessed that you are willing.
(5)
Report
So sorry you're dealing with this. I think you would be perfectly within your rights to insist that he hire another home health aide. He has to have bowel movements -- what if something happened to you and you weren't able to help him?

In the meantime, bowel program isn't the most fun activity. My dad has a spinal cord injury too and my sister or I do the bowel program for him every day. However, my dad is compliant and seems to have "compliant bowels", thank goodness. We have music or TV on while we're doing it, and I spray nice natural air freshener for a pleasant atmosphere, and have a window open or the air purifier going. Still, there is only so much one can do...

I hope you can get some help with this so this task can be taken off your shoulders.
(11)
Report
It seems to me that if dad were thinking clearly, he'd see that this is NOT an optional thing and that he must have that type of aid immediately. I'd insist and if he refused, I'd take whatever measures that are necessary, to ensure it happens. Are you Durable POA and/or Healthcare POA? If you don't have the legal authority to make the arrangements for him, I'd seek advice from an attorney on how to make that happen. This involves urgent health issues that can't be delayed, so, I'd make sure dad knew that and if he is thinking clearly, he would see that and work with you. If not, I'd wonder why.
(15)
Report
"I'm sorry dad but I can't possibly do that". repeat repeat repeat. Stand firm, this is the slippery slope that could easily turn this into a full time burden.
(23)
Report
Thanks everyone helps to talk. I went and helped after 5 hours in the shower for his bowel program and shower and dressing and cleaning wounds on foot. I got home. He is trying to hire people but he won't hire an agency. I've talked till I'm blue. I've talked to case worker she says he has choices even though they are bad bc he is of sound mind. I moved when I got married 5 years ago. I'm 2hours away and go as often as I can. He knows things need to change but he has to have control. I pray a lot. I've had to accept he can make bad choices. He was very thankful.
(5)
Report
I appreciate your post smilebeth. I can relate. I feel so guilty, when I sometimes just don't want to deal with some of my parents' issues.

I'm an only-child, caring for my mom with multiple health problems/mobility issues and my stepfather who is blind. They are stubborn and often sort of "gang up on me" when I try to implement or even suggest any sort of change to make caring for them easier.

It is comforting to see that I am not alone, in feeling like I am just too exhausted or disgusted, at times to do some things. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not a bad person for occasionally crumbling under pressure!

All of the comments/responses were helpful as well. Trying to care for my parents on their terms is becoming almost impossible. Without siblings or family, it doesn't occur to me that personal boundaries are even an option. But I guess they are.

Thank you for posting and for replies!
(10)
Report
Smilebeth, I ended up doing things when my Mom was bedridden in my home on hospice and before that, that I never thought I would end up doing. I also suffered a retinal detachment during this time myself. She had a urinary catheter I emptied a couple times a day. I had to clean bowel movements that were loose because of radiation treatments 12 years before in the abdominal area. I also had to tend to a stage 4 tailbone wound she got in a 5 star nursing home when she went in for rehab, and keep the bowel movements from getting to this wound by cleverly packing gauze a certain way. Luckily she had no pain from this wound. Then there were insulin shots too. This went on for over a year and a half and I had a little help from hospice, a nurse and bath aide, but did most all of it myself. I would try to get some help if possible.
My advice to anyone having to do this is to approach it as a nurse would, and learn all you can about how to make the patient clean and comfortable. I learned that white rice would help with loose bowels, and how to use colloidal silver on the wound dressing. I actually got my Mom in better shape than the wound doctor and nurses at the nursing home had her. I won't kid anyone, this is the toughest thing I have ever done but approaching it as though I were a nurse with a patient and learning was the best way to handle the situation. I am wishing you all the best.
(14)
Report
smilebeth, I don't blame you for not wanting to do this! I just looked this up on the internet--no way would or could I do it for anyone except my baby or my pet. I'd absolutely refuse. Dad doesn't get to decide for you.
(12)
Report
I think you have to say this is something you cannot do and say you can engage an agency for him and that you will deal with all the problems of that on his behalf. There probably won't be any problems .....try another agency and explain the previous problems to them so they know how to resolve.
(3)
Report
I totally sympathize...many, many years ago I cleaned up after my grandpa when he had severe dementia and would come out of the potty after making a huge mess and then got constipated etc.....it was horrible but there was nobody else to help...so I guess we've BTDT..hang in there....you are a great kiddo to your dad ...hugs...
(3)
Report
Is your Dad a Veteran? If so there are programs through the VA that can help. While the help comes through an agency they are working with the VA so that might make him feel better about the agency.
If not maybe you can get someone through an agency that is there to "help you" and he may accept that if someone is there to show you how to do something better or more efficiently he would accept that then after he has gotten to know the person you can sort of make an excuse to not be there for a visit, then another then another.
(2)
Report
Is is unfair to expect any adult child to take care of an elderly parent's "bowel issues." That's just too much to ask. Dad either needs to hire caregivers who will do it - or he needs to be placed in a nursing home. (I am an RN, so I believe that I can say that with some authority.)
(19)
Report
I agree with dragon flower, and I, too am an RN. And contrary to someone earlier saying he is of sound mind, I beg to differ. That is not a sound mind to ask your child to clean you up after bowel movements. I would absolutely refuse, and if being POA does not work, then petition for guardianship. Just say NO.
(14)
Report
Is this more than just clean up because of his spinal cord injury? if so, possibly another VA route; I understand they have a special spinal cord program
(2)
Report
Smilebeth, your Dad does have choices, true. He can choose help from a range of options.

So do you have choices. You can say no. You can refuse to be one of the options.
(9)
Report
Can your dad at least stand holding onto something and pivot? I have a portable commode next to my mom's bed with adjacent arms removed / down so she can just stand and pivot to sit on the commode. It is behind her door so she can close for privacy and all her supplies hang on the door in a shoe rack so all paper products, bags for the garbage can, baby wipes, pull-ups, chucks for the bed, hand sanitizer, toilet paper are there. I always keep 2 chucks and a fresh gown at arm reach so if she needs to change this, she does it herself. A caregiver has a full plate but the more they are able to do (i.e. moving around, exercise is best for them) Everything goes in the can as to not stop up the toilet when I empty her pot. When she is done I pull up her pants as she faces the bed so if she falls, hopefully, she falls on her bed. I read movement is great after such an injury to not cause bed sores, etc.Medicaid can be funny with some of the eqpt. Check Craigslist for things like a bariatric shower chair,(half out of the tub so they sit and slide over) hoya lift, a transfer wheelchair where all 4 wheels are small. Easy for them to walk and get around sitting. No big wheels to go down narrow halls/doorways. Long chains for light pulls like ceiling fans, especially over their bed. My mom is 80 and appreciates how I have made the home for her to maneuver in, especially her use of bathroom duty. Good Luck
(6)
Report
Smilebeth,
I totally understand. I had the struggle with both parents on these same issues. I started off helping them & it turned into a full time job. Your dad is probably aware that he needs help but to speak on the side of the parent, there are certain fears & thoughts that go Thru their minds as well. Encourage him- and know that agencies are expensive per hour.. & usually require a minimum of 4 hours. Maybe you can continue to talk with him & tell him that you can coordinate with an aide to help him. Does he have a church home or trustworthy person to ask for referral on hiring an aide? Can you ask his Dr, nurse or social worker? What a blessing you are to care for him!! You will be rewarded!! I know he appreciates you!!
(3)
Report
Some one should have durable power of attorney authority for your dad. When I was given that authority for a married couple friends of mine, it put all the decision authority in my hands, even if it disagreed with theirs. The wife's cousin went through the forms with them so I was not involved in this, and she is a professor of nursing whom they trusted. I hired a service agency to help with the wife's needs, like showering and washing her hair, and this lady went the extra mile with everything they needed--laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping. I started off with two afternoons a week for 3 hours a day and she was a whirlwind. When the wife became incontinent and started to wander and needed 24 hour care, I used the same agency and one worker would come and live with them 5 days in a row and then another would come and do the same thing. Pricey, but effective. I was able, then, to convince the husband to go to a memory care apartment for better care for his wife at cheaper cost. Even though I had the authority to do this, I wanted his acquiescence. It was another great move with excellent care provided. Getting that POA durable authority was essential for me to be able to do these things. It's been a lot of work, but we have been friends for a long time, worshipping together, vacationing together, and working together in the same school with the wife. No children, no close family--only trusted friends to help them. The wife passed in 2015 and the husband remains in that memory care apartment with the great care--physically healthy but unable to remember from one moment to the next anything he has said or you have said. The biggest and most time consuming part of this was going through all their things, getting rid of everything in their townhouse in a respectful way and getting it ready to sell. That took me a little over 2 1/2 years. This probably will be on your "plate," too. If you can't get POA authority from your father, then his doctor may be able to step in with the right diagnosis to take to an attorney to start the guardianship process for a vulnerable adult. Perhaps Adult Protective Services can help with this, too, but I am unsure about all they can do. From one caregiver to another: Thank you for what you are doing. It is important and more than one person can handle. Help is needed here and the best of luck finding the good help you deserve.
(4)
Report
I know, it's you or nobody. I took care of Mom and that was the worse part for me. I have a very sensitive smeller and I would get half sick. My husband and I have talked about if we had to have one of our fathers. He agreed that he would take care of the man. I guess you have really tried but ,maybe if you get upset. Tell him that he is not being fair to you. That a daughter should not have to do this for a father. Ask him to try an agency again, for you, if he finds they r not a fit OK. But please for you.
(4)
Report
Please, don't feel horrible. We all have things we cannot do.

I can clean DH's butt, but vomit would send me off the deep end.

Knowing your limits really does help. What made it easier for me with the BM's is that it goes in as food, and comes out as 'processed' food. Thinking that way, it no longer bothered me. And you can wear gloves. Just FYI, I prefer to use Baby Wipes to clean him. They do get expensive, but it's all about doing what we can handle. I also have Aloe Vesta Foaming Perineal Cleaner. That helps a lot too!

Is your Dad a Veteran? If so, the VA will supply "limited amounts" of supplies. I get the Aloe Vesta & 3 boxes of Adult Wipes monthly. I learned how to say Thank YOU, a long time ago, for anything given to us.
(5)
Report
Smilebeth, your recent post said that you spoke with your dad's case worker and that she said that because dad was of sound mind he could make his own decisions on this health matter. How closely is she following dad? Does she check on his hygiene, bathroom, laundry, etc. everyday? Has she had him evaluated by a professional to determine that he is competent? I'm just curious as to how she gets to make that determination, with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

I might chat with her and ask her those questions, since if she is wrong, it could have substantial negative consequences to a senior, alone in his home. Good luck with this.
(6)
Report
My mom is in assisted living for that very reason. I pay 3600 a month for someone to wipe her but. She is lucky to have such an income so I can waste it on but wiping. I will do whatever to avoid it. I’m sorry a infant but is way WAY different than your parents big butt
(3)
Report
This is a hard one for me because I have issues with my own bowel care. I absolutely hate even thinking about someone having to clean up after me because I hate cleaning up after myself. And I know the day will come when I have to accept help. I feel guilty about that and hope I can be grateful and accepting. I wish I could help you--I encourage you to talk with a therapist to accept that you are not bad because you can't control these feelings
(2)
Report
Just say "NO". You are not a slave. Your dad doesn't get to have what he wants, that is it. I have cleaned my dad's butt, he was constipated and I did it. He was dying with just a week or so to live. But, for a chronic problem, no way. I can hardly clean my husband's toilet because of his diarrhea. I had kids, it is totally different.
(2)
Report
I would keep the conversation light. Dad, I don’t know what to tell you, but I know I’m not doing that again. What else can you think of? Since he is of sound mind, put the ball back in his court, but be sure he knows that you are not an option for a 2nd adventure.
(4)
Report
wow i can relate to all the above. I was a CNA at 18 years old, and became a nurse at 26. so cleaning poop and peed is fine with me. I understand with parents is hard because they used to be so independent. it is truly hard to see them that way. My place turn to a nursing home. Right now i am taking care of my mom with multiple health issues. all of this will take a toll on you and it becomes a daily routine. I just snap out of that routine after 5 years and ask for help. you need to get help because you will loose it. you do have a life to live for.
(4)
Report
My mom has advanced dementia and I am "elected" to do this for her. At times, she tries to wipe herself, but I want to make sure she is clean. My brother helps with mom but he says this is something he can't do. I do wear plastic gloves as occasionally by hand gets dirty and have used wipes also to make sure she gets clean. I can't plan when she will have to go, so this is the difficult part. I occasionally get out for a little time and hope this won't happen when I am gone or if I have a drs. appt. I can't be in two places at one time. So we are doing the best we can do. This is something I absolutely hate to do, but there is no one else to do it. I just try my best and do what I have to do, knowing it won't last forever but also don't know when it will end.
(2)
Report
Just to let everyone know...
Bowel management after a spinal cord injury is not the same as toileting, it is a whoooole different level of care.
(7)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter