Well I brought my Mom home from assisted living as she wasn't doing well with the extra isolation due to a staff Covid scare. And guilt....hard to see your mom in distress on video and not be able to help.
Long story short fast forward to now. It's been over six weeks and realizing that I can't live like this with her. Her dementia has progressed more and now she she going back not to Assisted Living but Memory Care.
So the facility is accepting her back tomorrow. And after a "I think I should go home today" statement I said, "Ok, I have time tomorrow, lets get you packed up" and I brought out the suitcase and was going to let her help me pack.
I want to go home immediately morphed into tears, and what have I done? and I dont want to leave.... I packed the suitcase. I moved it to my room so she can't unpack it in the night.
We have to go for her second Covid test to eliminate the isolation period. Luckily her first test result from Monday came back negative in one day.
Straight from Covid test to facility. And I can't go inside with her. She will be going in with staff member to a new room.
This is going to kill me.
My 93 y/o mother has been in AL since 2014, and in Memory Care since May of 2019. She did not leave when COVID struck; I could never take her home with me for about 100 different reasons, mobility issues being a big one. She survived just fine, with phone calls, video chats and now window visits for 20 minutes every Sunday. She gets to complain about all the 'stupid morons' who live there with her, all 22 of them, and how bad the food is (in spite of her continual weight gain every month), how there's 'nothing to do' and so on and so forth. She saw her doctor today who gave her a clean bill of health.....her only issue right now is chronic neuropathy pain and so her pain meds were upped as a result. The staff takes care of her every need, her brief changes, her soiled linens every morning, her constant need for toilet help, EVERYTHING.
Stop feeling guilty & realize your mother will get more comprehensive care in the ALF. You can go back to being a daughter instead of a care giver, and you can take your life back now.
Call her, visit when you can, send chocolate covered strawberries.......my mother loves that. Bring her a new blouse or 2 once in a while, and blow her kisses from afar if that's all you can do. It WILL work out and you'll both be fine.
Good luck & take care of YOU now, you deserve to
Used to love game shows, but cant follow and then the commercials just confound her. She thinks she knows the people and if its a commercial about a medication, thinks a friend is sick
Used to love looking at photos and reminiscing but cant remember who the kids are and then when she sees photos of family and friends that are passed away thinks they are alive and worries about them wants to call or see them
Cant remember her husband is dead and is distressed when is isnt around.
She ALWAYS knew when I was lying as a kid and she hasnt lost that superpower now. So my attempts at distracting or therapeutic fibbing often just make things escalate.
Her neurologist prescribed Xanax temporarily. One pill tomorrow morning before the move, and then just as needed over the next few weeks to help with the transition.
Changes like the move to AL then the change back home caused a lot of anxiety for her. Hopefully this will help.
Its the best place for her. Just wish I could go in with her and get her settled personally. A staff member will take her in. I cant go past the front door because of covid restrictions. Hopefully she doesnt balk. We didnt even get to move or decorate with her things from her AL room to Memory Care room. Their Maintenance people did it.
tomorrow morning it will be settled out.
The hand off went ok. She went with the staff member to look at the garden while I gave her meds to the nursing staff. She was still ok in decent spirits when I video chatted later that day; the staff initiated the call because she was arguing about her meds, and wanted me to tell her it was ok.
However, at 915 the next morning, I got the call from the facility . Your mom has had a fall and hit her head. Do you want us to call ambulance or do you want to take her. Best guess she fell out of bed or got up too fast and fell when she woke up. So I picked her up, she had a goose egg on back of head.
So after spending morning in ER, CAT scans, XRays, and blood work later, everything deemed normal and OK by drs. Stopped by Sonic for a burger with her on the way back and had to drop her off again. She wasnt as easily distracted this time, had to tell her I need to move the car. Decided to wait until next day to call.
But wait, the fun wasnt over yet. At 930 PM, I get a call. It's from the county EMS. My mom had tripped and fell somehow again !!!!!. This is not usual for her. He told me her vitals were stable and he did not see any other injuries except the one from the morning. I refused transport. Told the Memory Care manager I wanted a call once things settled down.
There was some protocol they call EMS if a resident is on blood thinners and falls, which I get but she is on no prescription blood thinners. But she does take a low dose aspirin everyday, which meets their criteria. Thinking about asking her doctor if she can stop, don't want her exposed to all these emergency workers unnecessarily. They told me they wanted her to wear her tennis shoes, not her mules. We went for a walk almost every day when she was at home for me. I watched out for uneven ground or steps, but she didnt have any issues walking in those shoes. They said she was pretty confused yesterday but she'd had a hard day. They had put her in a neck collar until xrays came back clear and that really upset her. Neck in a collar, mask on face, she was super uncomfortable .
Talked to her this morning and she seems ok, no complaints about hurting. Didnt like the breakfast today, and trying to whisper about the old people with problems. She has no comprehension about her own issues.
You are doing what is best for mom and for you.
Do not feel "guilty" Guilty is an emotion or feeling that we project on ourselves. No one can "make" you feel guilty. You can BE guilty if you have done something wrong, But if you are making the right decisions for the right reasons there is no reason to be or feel guilty.
In his case, we think it’s been beneficial for him to be isolated from our daily visits. It’s allowed him to feel at home there, even though they are confined to their rooms the majority of the day. So now, he depends on the staff there instead of us. That’s good, because Rehab turned into permanent placement.