Found out today that because of covid protocols, I need to have a company deliver her stuff to the assisted living place and they will set up her room, then the next day I bring her and they take her from me at the front curb!! WTH???? How in the hell can I do that? I just want to go to bed some days and not wake up! 😰
Now, while I had to move my mother's things into her room myself because she moved in pre-Covid, we nonetheless tried to keep it upbeat much like moving day for college. My mom was upset and stressed out, but I got very close to her when it was time to go and repeated what my grandfather had told her when he dropped her off at college in 1947 -- "Now, just stick to the books and don't worry about the boys." (She did precisely the opposite when at college.)
It was a light-hearted moment, but it took a little of the sting out of me having to leave her. Try to do the same and let Mom know that you'll be back, she's safe, and the Covid situation isn't forever. Let her know the ways you'll keep in touch, and of course, do it.
When it comes down to it, it doesn't much matter as to whether you leave her inside the door or outside. You're going to have to leave her, and that'll be tough on both of you. Do your best to let her know that it'll be OK, and cry later after you get home.
I think MJ's advice is great. YOU keep a good attitude and make it seem totally normal the way the NH is letting mom in and then go home and throw a fit if needs be. Being angry at this stupid virus hasn't done a thing but raise blood pressure and cause normal people to act crazy.
I know for sure I can’t deal with not seeing my mother..even though I know she’s a handful...I’ll have her do short term therapy & then take her back home 🏡...
Good luck & hugs 🤗
Is there an alternative for a few weeks or longer you could live with instead?
You have a choice of dropping your mother off at the AL you've chosen, taking her home with you, or finding another AL that allows you to go inside with her.
Nobody deserves you telling them 'shame on you' when nobody said 'shame on you' to YOU, in spite of you saying you 'just want to go to bed some days & not wake up'.
Most of us have loved ones who have been affected by COVID, and so have WE, so we've welcomed the vaccines which will help re-open these ALs and allow us to see our loved ones again. "Cash cow" comments have no place here. We read many posts on this forum from people who have lost their parents in nursing homes where COVID positive patients were sent to recuperate directly from the hospital. They are heartbreaking posts to read, as you may imagine.
Hope you arrive at a decision that you can live with, and that doesn't make you hate yourself or others in the process. And if you find an AL/MC for your mom that does allow visitors inside, I hope they can keep her safe from the virus. That is the trade off you'll agree to if that's the choice you make.
Sending a big hug
I'd write more, but my mom is still my priority. You see, she's currently recovering from Covid and a blood infection, she hasn't eaten since mid-December, and she's dying. I've been with her twice --briefly -- since March 9 last year, and yes, I remember the date because it's seared into my brain. There's a good chance she'll die without me there.
Again, I'm sorry to have made a suggestion you considered flippant. Obviously, I wasn't aware YOU were suffering. /s
We went from seeing her 3-5 times every week to 7 visits last summer.
From what I read and observe, most good facilities are attempting to meet safety needs on an individual facility basis. I am almost literally heartbroken with missing her, yet having had Covid myself, I also understand how intensely difficult this is for EVERYONE living in this situation.
Having lived this from both sides myself, I think it might be as helpful as anything right now can be, for you to acquaint yourself as much as possible with infection rate in your area, whether the AL personnel and residents have all been vaccinated, how they handle new infections. Maybe you already know.
This rotten situation really is unique, except for the central obvious truth that suffering is most i tense among the most vulnerable.
I personally wouldn’t be put off by the requirements the AL has imposed upon your mom. I’m sure it’s the same for all the new entries. And fact is, however bleak it sounds, the “front curb” entry is often the most manageable for any new resident.
Hugs to you and your mom, however you lovingly decide to work this out. Trust me, you are not alone.
However, my post wasn't about me, it was about my mother, and that's what I believe is a big part of OP's problem. I understand she's frustrated and angry, but she needs to think about what's best for her mother. If staying home with her is best, then OK, but her comment that "if she outlives me, then someone else has to deal with it" tells me it probably isn't.
I understand OP's frustrations, but I'd advise her that martyrdom helps no one, especially the one who is the self-proclaimed martyr. My sympathy wanes when the pity party gets out of control, especially in a forum where people who have suffered far more respond to others with grace.
What each person goes through is an individual unique experience. And each person deserves empathy. Shame to those who rank their problems higher and behave condescendingly to those they deem "not worthy".
Remember, everyone, empathy is what all of us should show to each other.
As to your frustration and anger - that is normal. Just realize that The only thing you can do is do your best UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES and know that the best is rarely perfect or ideal
I know how hard it is to go though the painful experiences regarding our loved ones. I know my experience will not make you feel better, but hope that you will know you are not alone.
I too had my mother placed in an Assisted Living Memory Care Facility. This was four years ago before Covid. I was able to bring her into the facility but it was suggested not to stay long. Even though I was able to accompany her into the facility, that didn’t take away the pain I felt walking away from the facility, nor the hurt I felt every day. What I’m trying to say is whether you can enter the facility or not, the pain you feel would still be there. It hurt so much but I knew she was in a safe place, which I could no longer provide. I tried very hard to remind myself that and tried very hard to gain trust in the facility to take care of her. This will be a very difficult and trying time, no doubt about it.
Some facilities are allowing visits (outside/inside), so I hope you do get one soon. This is all new for both you and your mom. My heart goes out to you. I do know what you are going through.
I lost my mom last May, but every time I look back to question what I did, I know I did the right thing for her.
Please take care..
Then we had to move him + because of COVID basically the same restrictions on moving. We did get to drive Dad to new place (?) but then haven't been able to really see him since the Lockdown. The only good thing is I feel good about the care he is getting that I couldn't give. Prayers for you and your Mom.