Today was a hard day with Mom, though for the most minor of reasons. And yet it was a day when I just almost (literally drafted and then deleted) posted a question asking for advice about how to abandon her without abandoning her.
Anybody who's gone through caring for parents who never really took care of themselves and who do not realize or maybe just do not acknowledge (you never really know) the toll they extract from you can relate. You can love someone who is hurting you in such personal and yet totally psychological ways that they are almost impossible to express. And you can be there for them. And, some days, seemingly just be on the hook for them and looking for any way to get that hook out of your mouth.
Then I went back to my forum activity here and read some of the comments to my previous posts, next to last post especially, and I teared up. I guess I'm not unique in this situation. Thankfully, it appears that I am not. I know people here understand.
I'm grateful for this forum and all its active members over the past year. Sometimes it's tough love. Mainly it's just love.
Nothing has changed for Mom. I'm almost entirely out of excuses not to simply insist on moving her to a small place with a caregiver and OMG that is going to suck more than I can express, if my own heart and blood pressure issues don't do me in maybe a broken heart will.
But, nah, I'll probably survive. And Mom will be better cared for. I'll still love her, and maybe her caregiver will, too (happened with my Granny).
Thanks, ya'll. Tough day. Tough day for many of you, too.
I feel ya.
looks like whatever else goes on with all this you are learning a whole lot.
You are learning you are responsible for and choose your actions, and learning that you cannot change others, that you can't expect enlightenment with someone with the limitations your poor Mom was born with and couldn't rise above.
And you are learning REAL forgiveness, which is being able to love someone even knowing that you are never going to get what you needed from them, but recognizing it is their own disabilities, not yours.
I think you have a lot to share with others, especially the knowledge that you can do this gently and with love even when you know that it's not going to change, there's not going to be any miraculous-Hollywood-scene-of Redemption.
And I even see a glimmer of ironic humor in what you wrote us.
So this particular TOUGH TOUGH love afficianado thinks you are showing real courage and growth and should pat your back most heartily, because I cannot. And you know, we still can whine. Just as long as we remember to see a glimmer of humor in the human condition, we are allowed the whine, I think. Or the wine--a least a glass of it.
I am so sorry that you had a bad day today with your mom. As a former caregiver, I can attest to understanding how you feel.
Vent anytime you need to. We are here to support you during this difficult time in your life.
Wishing you and your mom all the best. Take care.