Before Covid19 I didn't get any help with mom, well locally anyway, my brother lives out of town & he does her finances which is a lot of help. BUT this Quarantined with her 24/7 and her 24/7 needs is killing ME! I love her sooo much but her Narcissistic and Bipolar disorders are too much! Sometimes I feel so sick yet she demands i get up to tend to her! I do! Because she needs me and I am still wanting her approval or somekind of validation anything! It is never going to ever happen and that hurts! Is there such a thing as Caregiver ABUSE!!!!! Cause I'm going to report HER! HAHA...
Just venting... Quarantine SUX!
Please know though that she is not your bestie, never has been and never will be. A Bestie does not abuse friends and family. Your mother is your Beasty. She will abuse you with her dying breath.
You need to ask yourself a few questions:
If she was a stranger, would I accept this abuse?
Why do you feel you have to accept it?
Would you be OK watching this abuse in another family or would you report it?
What are your other options? It may feel like there are no other options, but if you were hit by a bus tomorrow, what would happen with Mum?
It is hard to set boundaries, but it is oh so important. Even more so since she lives in your house. There will be terrible push back, but that is part of the process.
You tell us that you "love her sooo much". May I ask WHY? Is the fact that at some point a sperm joined with an egg and you were born enough?
OR are you really waiting for the approval and validation you already know won't come?
I can't begin to imagine why you are doing this. I can't begin to imagine doing it. It is heartbreaking that after all of this you feel worth no more than this. You said it. It is abuse. And there is nothing for me to say but I am sorry.
We have two chances for a good family. The one we are born into and the one we make. Please make yourself a good one.
It has taken me a few years living with Mom to really begin to understand what our relationship is and isn't. She was never verbally cruel, or physically, so it was difficult to determine why I was always a pushover and caved in to everyone. My relationships where often abusive because I was still looking for validation from that type of person.
You love her, I get that, but you do have to set boundaries to save your sanity. First step for me was just repeating to myself over and over, it is not about me, just directed at me. This is how I was able to get past what was said or done, looking at it from the outside and evaluating how best to handle it. Sometimes it is not worth it to fight, depending on HER levels that day, or importance of issue. Pick your battles! (And if she has dementia remember she may not remember. So many times I will repeat back to my Mom what she told me to do and she will say "I would never say that, that is mean!")
Disclaimer: I have no medical or psychiatric training!
Thanks for letting ME vent!
Your mom needs help, but doesn't have to be you who helps. Pretend you're sick, really sick, and in the hospital, who would help her?
Edit: I think there's more to this dynamic in your relationship with your abusive mother. Perhaps, you suffer from martyr syndrome?
It sounds like you are co-dependent on your mom or maybe your both co-dependent on each other. Others are right. How can your mom be abusive to you and be your bestie? I get that you love her because it is hardwire in you and perhaps programmed into you as well.
My own mother was/is abusive at times, but she "IS NOT NOR WILL be my BESTIE." Furthermore, my mother was Dx with Narcissist Personally Disorder. These people do not know how or what love is. All they know is how to use and abuse people--nothing more! Your mom "Will Not and Can not give you approval or any kind of validation."
I no longer look to my mother for love, approval, or validation because I know she can not give what she does not have!
You should look into what bipolar, NPD, and co-dependent and read what these really are for yourself.
You deserve better!!!
Best of luck to you!!
My mother dislikes me and I know it. It's actually kind of funny, as when I go to leave after a visit (very infrequent) she'll say to me "Now you KNOW I love you, right?" I just answer, "Ok, thanks mom". I DON'T know it, and I don't believe her.
I just have to look back over my life and see how few times she stepped up to be even the most basic of mothers. She actually locked herself in her room several times and would not come out, forcing me to take on the responsibilities of raising my 3 younger sibs--when I was in High School and college. I would make her meals and take the to her in bed. She'd often throw the tray at me. Threats of suicide and blaming me was her 'thing'. This would go on for months at a time.
If she ever referred to me as her 'bestie' i'd laugh myself silly. And she is NOT my 'bestie'. I have a hard time with just being around her--on her 90th birthday my youngest sis had us all write in a journal a special memory of her that we had. I just...couldn't. I gave her a generic card and called it good.
A 'bestie' doesn't have you crying or screaming in your car after a 1/2 hr visit.
Time to re-evaluate what your alleged 'bestie' is really doing to you. I'm sorry for you--I will not live long enough to figure out my convoluted relationship with my mother.