My Mom has beginning to middle stage dementia. At times she seems so much like herself. She still takes care of her own needs, I take her shopping and she goes off and we meet back. She will buy some things every week. I check her buggy and tell her we have 6-7 of those. She will reply well they're on sale. She insists on doing her own finances which she handles well MOST of the time. She will not ask for help and has gotten very secretive. I have always know her finances. She only asks for help once she has created a mess. I hear the same stories sometimes 3-4 times a day. How do you continue to act like you have never heard it. How do I reason with her? Since she was just told of the dementia a few months ago she has just ignored it. I have read up on ANOSOGNOSIA. I just don't know how to handle situations that happen over and over. She will tell me I can handle my own affairs. Family and friends don't see as much as I do. They only hear the same stories over and over. They don't seem to think it is so bad but they don't live with her. About a quarter of my day is spent explaining or fixing things for her. Any help will be much appreciated.
I think you'll find Teepa Snow's advice very helpful. Also check out alz.org for resources.
Do you have power of attorney for your mother?
As you're living in the same house, are you able to take charge of the really important bills like utilities and taxes?
What kind of professional support or input do you have with your mother's care plan? - the reason I ask is, I'm sure you're aware that your mother's care is likely to become more challenging as time goes on, and it's no bad thing to check out your options in advance.
I live with my mother as well. Like your mom my mother insist that she could handle her finances. She started to become secretive as well. Things would come up broken and she didn't do it (her words). But it had to be her. My mother makes a mess of things and I clean it up!
My mother has POA's but has hide them so I couldn't help her manage her finances.
But this is what I did: First, because we split most of the bills, I started having her give me her half of the bill money. I simply told her "mom it is easier for me to pay the bills because I am out running errands anyways. This took a few months, but she came around. I sold her the idea that this would take the burden off of her. That I wanted to help.
Secondly, I went online and looked up the taxes to see if she was paying on them. She made a few payments but still owed a good amount on them. I told her she hasn't been paying her taxes and owes for xx yrs. She wanted to argue about it, I pulled the records up and showed them to her. She started to cry (which sometimes she uses as the whole victim game she plays, and sometimes she crys for whatever is going on) I told her that we can figure it out together, which I did. I had her give me what she could and I paid the rest. She doesn't know it because she forgot about the full amount or that there were unpaid taxes. I'm not sure which it is. Doesn't really matter. With the house insurance I just opened up the bill and seen she was making payments. So, I just let her handle it, keeping my eye on it. This year she came to me and asked me "if she gave me some money for the house insurance if I would pay the rest and write the ck"? My mother is very controlling. But in time and in her owe way she has past things on to me. This forum tought me that I can't control every thing at every moment. That I had to learn to back off, but stay aware of what is going on. People with dementia are very unpredictable. I am a structure person, but with this disease I had to learn sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
My mother tells me the same stories over and over as well. I was a bartender for years. For whatever reason people tell their problems to bartenders. I don't know why, but I learned how to keep up with a conversation without really being involved in it. Basically saying phases like, oh really, you don't say, wow that was crappy, etc, now I do that to her. If she repeats herself I go back into bartender mode, unfortunately, this takes practice because you have to learn when to be keen when something is important comes up to not just say, "oh really, or wow I didn't know that". I guess, you can say I know when to tune her out and when not to.
I have given up on people seeing my mother the way she is vs the way she was. I read somewhere on this forum that it is called "showtime". My mother acts oneway in public but a whole another way in the home. I just stop wasting my time and energy on trying to get people to see it. In time the dementia will take over and prehaps then they will see it.
I guess, now it just doesn't matter anymore! I do what I can good or bad. All I can do is the best I know how, and leave the rest in God's hands. Which some days are easier than others.
May God guide you and give you wisdom in your time of need in Jesus' name. Amen
Fortunately, she had all the proper legal documents in place for my husband to be POA. We have since taken over more and more care, and now she lives with us 24/7.
Even though, she no longer knows the day of the week, she refuses to see that she has dementia. I have resigned myself to the fact that she truly can't see it. However, it is an extremely trying situation.
Dementia is progressive and will only get worse. You need to have proper legal documents in place to be able to care for your mom. If she is still competent, get to an attorney now and sign the papers. If she has passed this point, it can still be done but will be more complicated. Also, you should contact Social Security to become the designated custodian for her benefits. There are forms to be filled out by you and also others who vouch for your ability to take charge of these funds. A POA is not recognized by SS for this purpose. We were told this step is necessary because once your mom is unable to speak for herself, SS will not talk with you if there is a problem with her account.
Best of luck to you on this journey.
The POA paperwork should be held by the person who has been assigned. You are going to need the originals not the person who assigned you. I have both my Moms and my nephews.