My mom has some dementia (undiagnosed, but I have seen the decline), and she misplaces things. Then she thinks that my stepdaughter has stolen them. My mom has two more caregivers--companions for her--she only needs moderate care--and she never accuses them of stealing. When I try to defend my stepdaughter, the exchange goes VERY BADLY. I do not feel I can agree with her, even though that would probably be easiest. I feel agreeing will just validate her and she will accuse my stepdaughter even more. There is definitely no stealing going on--it is all in her head. My mom is relatively normal with most issues, except for this matter. I do not know how to diffuse this situation when it comes up without having a major confrontation. I am becoming majorly burned out by this never ending point of contention. Any ideas from anyone out there?
How is your SD taking these accusations? Does she understand the nature of dementia and not to take this personally? Are you aware of any reasons Mom might pick on SD especially? Do they get along most of the time? There could be a reason that you'll never figure out ... like SD reminds Mom of a girl in her 4th grade class who did steal something of Mom's. Who knows? But it is important to assure your stepdaughter that this is not her fault and she shouldn't take it personally.
Do you and Mom and Stepdaughter all live in the same house?
"See, I told you she steals!"
"I'm sorry that your bracelet is missing. ... Would you like to have a glass of milk and some cookies now?"
And I'd like to point out that it isn't the "aging process" behind this behavior. There are certainly people who live to be a hundred and who have never accused someone of stealing in their lives. What you describe is typical of certain kinds of dementia. I want to be clear about this, because I think it will help you cope with your mother if you are clear about what is going on. If she were simply older than you, trying to reason with her makes sense. If she has dementia she is losing her ability to reason, and that is no longer a viable approach.
Dementia progresses. It gets worse. I hope that you can find ways to not let it push your buttons and to increased stress levels for you.
Good luck!
It's best to read as much as you can about Alz. Different people react when they have Alz. There are also medications that can help her delay the Alz or to control her anger issues.
I hope SD is able to let your mom's words go in one ear and out the other. At the same time, you both need to be alert of her actions...Take care!