Mom won't stop with the "I wanna die" talk...
My mom's been going through chemo and radiation for rectal cancer. She has a good prognosis. She hasn't lost any hair nor has gone through "extreme" side effects. She has a lot of discomfort with burning and chaffing also bleeding when she uses the bathroom.
She has ONE more day left of radiation! We're hoping the small tumor has dissolved into nothing, however if it didn't, my mom is old school -- she does NOT want to be opened up for surgery. She thinks that once they open you up -- that's it. So, we respect her decision to not go with surgery and just do the "maintaining", which is going to be another whole set of siblings trying to go back and forth driving mom here and there. So, ... yeah.
If you are religious, or even spiritual, would you mind saying a prayer for my mom that her tumor is gone? Tomorrow is the last day and she has three weeks to know if it has been changed to non-cancerous. She said she wants to die if the tumor is still there. I get it. Cancer sucks the life out of you, but I want my mom to have quality of life. Her worst fear is having a colostomy bag, because my grandfather committed suicide because he had to get one for his illness back in 1970. Times have changed though.
Regardless, please, if you can, all I'm asking is to just pray for her, or send some positive energy.
Thanks so much for reading this....
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Such a stigma attached to colostomies, but they are so much more discreet these days, and often reversible (resectioning often works now)
You don't say how old your mum
Is, or her quality of life taking this out of the equation?
My nan died of bowel cancer. I am terrified if getting it. I think you have to allow your mum to feel what she is feeling, but is there a nice colo rectal consultant in the hospital who can sit and talk with her about her fears?
I don't know if she is too set in her ways to listen, but if there is someone she likes/respects it may help her attitude?
Ar some point you have to consider who you are keeping them alive for. We can sometimes be selfish.
Just pray to our Lord that whatever is his will be done here with the least suffering for your mum. It's not giving up, but it does tale the weight and guilt off your shoulders when in a situation that in reality you have so little control over.
PrYing got me through my mum's recent passing. Total trust in God's will gave me much needed peace towards the end. I fought and fought with the consultants. Exhausted me and just prolonged mum's death rather than extended her life.
I do pray for you all.
Carol
i would also recommend trying to improve your mothers QOL in small ways that will give her more to look forward to . my mother always looked forward to good homecooked meals . for my aunt its just peaceful little truck rides in the countryside . for both the feeling of being in control of their surroundings meant a lot to them . elder care is a unique example of having the ability to lead and follow simultaniously . loss of control is a major cause of agitation in the elderly . documented fact ..
But there is one much greater who takes all the pain away. God is the only one who can heal her. I am praying for you both as I write this. God's word tells us that when two or more gather in His name, the name Jesus Christ, that His Father will lean His ear down from Heaven and answer our prayers lifted up on behalf of others and prayed in the name of Jesus. So I join with these others here lifting up your mom to be healed. AMEN
Also, I would like ot share that the American Red Cross is in desperate need of DOUBLE RED BLOOD CELLS for cancer patients. Did you know that when you give blood you save the lives of 3 adults or 5 children???
Call the American Red Cross and find out how you can give DOUBLE RED BLOOD CELLS. These are the ones used to treat cancer patients.
God bless you, your mom and your readers to this post.
In Christ,
Susan Bondurant
First Baptist Church Jonesboro
Jonesboro, GA 30236
I also wanted to share, I volunteered on the suicide prevention hotline for period of two years. In our training we learned when a parent (your grandfather - was he your mom's father?) commits suicide then the likely a child will commit suicide increases by something like 50%-70%. I can not remember the exact statistic. The point is, he set the example. His choices then are impacting her choices now.
I agree with the writers (above) who suggested speaking positive for modern medicine. I also love the caregiver above who said, "elder care is a unique example of having the ability to lead and follow simultaneously" .
Sending prayers your way.
She is down right now but in a few months when she feels better she might be ready to seek further treatment if it is advisable.
Wanting to die is a valid emotion and she may actually be ready to meet the Lord and reunite with loved ones. Encourage her to talk about her reasons for feeling this way and try to allay any fears she had. In 1970 colostomy bags were big rubber things that had to be emptied and washed and tied to the body and often leaked. Now you simply stick a devisce over the opening attach a plastic bag which is held in place with a rubber band and when full the whole thing is disposed of and a new bag attached. If she can go out take her to a pharmacy and have them show her the device. When things are demystified it takes a lot of the fear away. If further treatment is simply prolonging a miserabel life then call hospice and concentrate on the quality of her remaining time. She is still in her right mind so don't pressure her to do things that may be what you want but you are not the one who may face the major surgery involved. Pray for her but pray for what is best for her not what you want. The risks involved may not be worth the result.
There is often a group of people available to talk to people who face a colostomy. They will have one themselves are can demonstrate that a normal life is possible.I recently saw a picture on the internet of a young woman in a bikini wearing a colostomy bag. She was on a mision to taky the mystery and shame out of it.
OTH, if the person has had bouts of depression in their lives, it could be something to be concerned about--to ask Doc if she might need some supportive help to get through it--counseling, meds, better nutrition.
ALOE inner leaf gel juice is what our patients getting radiation for gut cancers, have used to reduce bleeding and irritation far faster. It can also help with chafing, other skin irritations.
It's one of the only things known to heal gut tissues injured by radiation treatments, when there's tissues left to heal. Using stuff that can gently relieve chaffing and irritations, helps.
We look for the kind that comes in brown glass bottles, which has nothing but 100% pure aloe inner leaf gel. Some has a tiny bit of ascorbic acid in it as preservative, but it's fine.
Avoid getting anything that says "whole leaf"---the skin of the leaf contains chemicals that slow healing, and make the product useless except as a laxative.
Usually at health food store, or online; food Co-Op stores usually carry it; some drugstores carry it.
Read the labels!
Veronica91 said it very well!
Hospitals usually have a colostomy expert who can do patient education on it, too.
That is done in privacy of one's room, or an office.
Waiting until she recovers better, is helpful, too.
I have to say that I understand why your mother is saying what she is, but I also understand why it is so upsetting to hear it. My mother did not have cancer but she spoke continually of wanting to die. She would become upset or argue with us over anything and her "go to line" was "I will be glad when I am gone and out of here!" In her mind her life was over, my father and her husband of 60 years was gone and therefore she felt that she had no reason to keep living. We talked with her many times about how she had 3 daughters, 5 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren and we all needed her, but she never believed us or at least that is what she said.
The only thing she would agree to doing in a flash was going to the cemetery and putting flowers on all the relatives graves. She wanted to be with my father and her parents and brother and sister again and because she believed in heaven, that is where she wanted to be.
Although my mom wound up being severely injured in a nursing home and passing away, she is at least where she wanted to be now. She died September 17th as I stood by her bedside putting on gloves so I could stroke her hair.
Now my sisters and I are dealing with guilt that we placed her into a "good" nursing home and within 2 1/2 weeks she suffered blunt force trauma to the head and 4 brain bleeds and died about 9 days later. I had cared for her for 8 years, she was my best friend and I miss her greatly!
God Bless You All!
One sure way to honor her wishes and still encourage her to get the bag (if needed...it may not be) is to tell her that cancer surgery has come a long way and that you and all the other children can not imagine your lives without her. It would grieve you all terribly if you let her miss out on even more time feeling good and being with you because she hastened her death unnecessarily. But you will respect her wishes after she has really listened to the experts and given it lots of thought. Just don't say any of it until the verdict is in.