I am so sad and tired. The frustration and struggle has now turned to guilt that I should have been perfectly sweet this whole time because it really was limited. But, I’m human and I haven’t slept well in almost 7 months, I tried my best. We are now here taking care of just grandma and yet again adjusting to a new routine. My mom took so much time and energy. I miss her so much and trying not to beat myself up that I wasn’t perfect. She certainly wasn’t a perfect mother, alcoholism destroyed our family. Funny how I don’t care at all now. Just want to say thank you to everyone on this forum. I know I’ll be back I still have grandma to take care of. Sending love to all the good hearted and caring people that respond to these posts and take care care of their families- in the best ways that they can.
For what it's worth I'd rather have a less-than-sweet person taking care of me who loved me nonetheless than someone who was only ever superficial smiles and sunny dispositions, but is never around except only briefly. Your love and devotion to your mother is admirable.
Human then? Like the rest of us? Full of flaws and limitations? Join the club.
I wish I could find a way to make you celebrate yourself. Your journey toward learning to LOVE despite imperfection, hers and your own. Please try to find a way to pat yourself on the back for a job well done so I don't have to book a flight and come there and do it myself.
I am so sorry for your loss. I truly believe that some day you will understand all you gave, all you did, and that you will be able to laugh at some point about things you remember. And please remember, Sainthood is such a bad job description. You honestly don't want it. Stay fabulously flawed. I promise you. YOU DID GOOD.
Again, I am sorry for your loss and I hope you have speedy healing, see the spring blossoms. I love Annie Dillard's quote "We live as if there hadn't been a hundred thousand generations before us, and another hundred thousand were not still to come" To me it is such a comfort that whatever woe and grief we feel has been felt by millions and millions and millions of our fellow travelers.
Please stick around on Forum and help others with all you know, all you have learned, and all you think and feel. You know how it helps. I hope you'll help others.
It just takes time to get your emotional balance back. We have childhood memories, adult memories, caregiver memories, the good bad and ugly. It’s taken me a long time to get evened out. You’ll get there too.
Be good to yourself and now it is time for you to take care of you!!
Hugs!!!
May God grant you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time.
You were there for her and she knows that you did the very best you could. It is a hard situation and everyone understands that we are learning and improving as we go. Give yourself the grace that you gave your mom and are giving your grandma.
Great big warm hug!