I take her to doctors, take care of all her bills, set up a bank account where I deposit money for her.... everything. But she has no boundaries. According to her, there shouldn’t be any “privacy” in a loving close family. It is cultural - she is Eastern European and moved here in 2010.
The other day she shows up (without a call or text of course). I opened the door and told her that I had people over and made it clear that now wasn’t a good time. She pushed her way past me, went to the kitchen to got what she needed and then stormed out. So since Monday she is upset and calls me ungrateful and that I “didn’t let my mother into my house and tried to turn her away”, and that she isn’t welcome in her own daughter’s house any more.
She is rude to my husband by not returning his “hi” and tells my daughter that she was so much better to her parents than I am to her. When I went and tried to talk to her, she told me that “talking things through” is an American concept that doesn’t work and how would it possibly work when her own daughter is rejecting her.
I guess i am I am just venting because I have no idea if I can do anything. But if anyone has an advice, please let me know.
She has been here 9 years. In that time has she made friends? Go to her place of worship? Is your family "it" for her socialization?
You realize that this is going to get harder as Mom ages. Your life will not be your own. So you need to set Boundries now. Your Mom was rude. She should have called first to see if it was OK to "stop in". Child or not.
Respect goes both ways. Tell her she is a "part" of your life and on the whole u don't mind sharing it with her. But there are "parts" of it that are just for you.
The cultural thing is a big problem. Is this something all parents would do in her country, or is this jusy a "Mom" thing. We do have Moms born and raised in the US that are like this.
Early in my marriage, my MIL (She was English so not sure if this is n English thing) would stop in early in the morning. I am not a morning person. This one time it was a Sunday. I was getting my small daughter ready for my Mom to pick her up for Sunday school. I waited till the morning to give her a bath. A knock on my door, my MIL. I told her I couldn't visit because I was getting R ready for SS. "Can I help" she asked. I said no thanks. And I went a head doing what I was doing. She ended up leaving. Later she told me that she had gone to a friends just before (people she got to my house about nine) and the friend had told her she was busy. Aft my house she went home crying. I apologized, but told her that mornings are not good for me or her son, who worked till 1am. Just not a good time to visit. It was always a tug of war with this woman. She was passive-aggressive. I would say no thank you and she would go ahead and do what she wanted, then get mad when I didn't appreciate it. TG she moved to FLA. I am in NJ.
And in terms of what’s normal in the “old country”... yes, parents meddle. But parents also support their kids until they are adult and married. I came here by myself as a teenager and build my entire life from scratch. I brought her here and started supporting. So maybe if your parents support you financially and you live in THEIR home, they get to meddle. But our situation is so different.
What sort of bee, though..?
It could be that something you don't know about had already upset her, and the barging into the kitchen incident happened when she wanted help and sympathy, and now she's transferred her upsetness about the original problem onto you and is angry with you, and with husband, in a guilt by association kind of way. What did she want from the kitchen, just out of interest?
Or it could be, that this is out of proportion altogether and there is something really wrong.
Key question: is this normal for her, or getting noticeably worse? Any known health problems?
What sort of Eastern European, if you don't mind my asking? There's quite a range!