Ok. I'm going to try to be detailed, but not too detailed that it bores you. I am a late in life baby. My mom was almost 41 when I was born. I am now 32, so she is now 73. My father is 65. Throughout my life, my mom has had back problems resulting in many back surgeries. I was 6 when we moved from Ga to NC. When I was 8, my dad was injured causing him to start having back problems and a few surgeries. When I graduated from High School in 98, they moved back to Ga. to be closer to a back doctor that my mom would go to twice a yr down there (cause she trusted him so).
A few years ago, things have begun to go downhill. My mom started having seizures and would go into a trance like state. Then she had a toxic UTI causing her to go into a coma and almost died. She came out of it (obviously, since I'm here :) ) The seizure activity continued. Sometimes I would talk to her on the phone and she couldn't think of simple words as "book" or little things like that. She would also end up having to hang up with me because she'd start to hit herself on the head with the phone. She ended up in the hospital for dehydration and my dad finally got another doctor to look at her. He ran some other tests and found she was actually having strokes, not seizures. (remember those doctors she trusted so much in Ga....ha!) Got her into rehab in a NH and she started doing soooo good. Dad was doing also good because he was able to sleep since he wasn't having to listen for her to see if she was trying to cook (she once left a pot on the stove in the middle of the night and almost started a fire) or doing laundry or trying to clean up a spot on the carpet from the dog. He was walking up to 2 miles a day and sounded so strong.
Then she came out of the rehab. And she began falling again. She had memory problems again. She was up all the time. I finally convinced them to move back up here to NC to be back closer to me so I can help out some.
They did in Jan. Since then, my mom started getting better, but then turned again for the worse. She has fallen a lot, she forgets when I have talked to her, forgotten HOW she has fallen or how she got a bruise.
Dad has been sooo worn out from AGAIN having to listen for her. He on anti-anxiety meds, then gets upset at himself for getting anxiety. I told him that if he WASN'T upset about this, I would be more worried. This is his wife of 34 years and he doesn't like seeing her this way. HELLOOO!?!?!
She has lately been asking where certain people are or if she can call them. The thing is...the people she is asking about are...dead. The thing that got him was two days ago, she came rushing into the room he was in, looking terrified. She said "Where's my baby?" He said "You haven't had a baby in over 30 yrs." She just walked out. A little later she again came rushing in, again terrified, saying "Where's my baby?!? My blond hair, blue eyed baby boy?" My dad said "You haven't had a baby boy in over 40 years." She said "He was just at the end of my bed!" He told her "You don't have a baby." She walked out of the room (He's not that great at tact..lol).
I saw her today and besides looking tired, she was ok. The main problem my dad has is, since she was ok today, he goes "Well, she's ok today, so maybe it'll blow over." This has been his response every time something happens. I have used the "What if she falls and you don't get to her in time?" and the latest one I used was "What if she walks out of the house and forgets where y'all live?" to try and get some sense into him.
I'm worried that something is going to happen to her and then he's gonna feel guilty that he didn't act fast enough. (or even me that I didn't push more). I don't know what exactly is going on with her, cause the docs say she's fine (I hate to tell them...she's not!!) but something needs to give somewhere, but I'm not sure where and where I should exert myself into it all. Or how to go about doing it.
Thanks for any help :)
Mother is not fine. Women who are fine don't ask where dead people are and don't think there are babies at the foot of their bed and don't wake up every few hours and become active. Mother is Not Fine. This will not Blow Over.
How much should you butt in? I think it would be a great service if you can have your mother thoroughly evaluated.
Once you have a better handle on what is behind her not being fine, then educate yourself and gradually your father about the most effective ways to deal with it.
For example, if she has dementia with delusions and/or hallucinations, telling her "there is no baby," may not be as helpful as "the baby's mother came and picked him up a few minutes ago. She thanked you for taking such good care of him."
Once Mother's problems are better identified, it may be possible to help her sleep through the night better, and hence give your father a better rest.
It may be necessary to bring in outside help.
But first things first. Try to arrange for a geriatric evaluation of your mom that considers all aspects of her health, not just her back.
Good luck!
But yes, I will definitely call about the geriatrician, just...what to say to her.
(And thanks...cause I woulda never known about doing that! :) ...I might have found that long post by accident, but there was a purpose :) )
My suggestion would be that you write down all of the problems your mom is having and take it with you to the specialist. He can read it so you don't have to explain it all in front of your mom.
I think I would approach it from her falling. Does she have a memory of her falls? Can you say, "Mom, we are taking you to a specialist because you are having too many falls and we want to see if there is some medication that can help. We want an expert in on your care, a good second opinion." This may not be the perfect words, but you will need to be somewhat honest that you feel she is having more small strokes and you want to get her the best medical help. She might know more than you think she knows, even if it's just a feeling that something is wrong. I hope she will listen to your father and understand that you both want her home and safe.
My dad has had a couple of strokes and he has some dementia as a result. It's vascular dementia and that could certainly be the case with your mom. It does sound advanced, but there could be some medications that will help her sleep at night and stop the hallucinations.
You are starting a new journey. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Take it a day at a time and do all you can to let your mom know she is loved and safe with you.
Please keep us posted. Love and Hugs, Cattails
Having an established relationship with a PCP before need arises is just good practice. Dad should have a local doctor, too, now that they've moved. If he doesn't, then he should have an appointment, too. (Of course I'm not suggesting the same kind of testing for him. But that is behind-the-scenes with the doctor, and Mother doesn't have to know about that.)
Good luck!
Both my father and now my mother had/have geriatricians as their PCP. It has nothing to do with dementia in either case. My husband sees a dementia specialist for treating his Lewy Body Dementia and sees a geriatrician (who keeps informed of his dementia treatment) for everything else.
A geriatrican is a great place to start and would be a wonderful choice for a PCP, but there may be additional referrals involved, too.
He said he is keeping a journal right now of all that has been going on. So that's good. Although I am going to make sure that I do it, too, so that I make sure it's with us somewhere.
When I asked if she knew about the baby incident and the asking for her mom and others, he said that one time he had asked her if she remembered falling the day before and she said yes. Then he asked if she remembered asking for her mom and she took the conversation off in another direction, like she didn't hear him, so he let it go. So he don't know if she remembers or not.
He thanked me for all the help I'm giving him/them and said sometimes his mind can't keep up with what needs to be done. They have been late on a few bills because dad has forgotten to write the checks. He has never forgotten to pay bills before, so he's getting down on himself for that. I told him he has to let me know what he needs help with because if I don't know what's going on, I can't help. :)
Kimbee~ I'm in the middle of the state. In Salisbury, about 45 miles N of Charlotte.
You are doing a great job. Keep us posted.
Cattails
Dad and Mom came over today to spend time at my house. Dad called me later and said that today was a good day for her, so he wanted to make sure she got around family because she was having more bad days than good. Said that he was afraid to leave her alone any, although there were times that he had to (to run to the store or such), but he tries not to, but today was a really good day for her.
a suggestion. Have a good week! Kimbee
This past Fri., dad was down bad. When mom called me, she told me that she was waiting on the doctor to call and what was going on. My dad was having problems waking up and was moaning and my mom was worried. Then she said "Wait. The doctor did tell me what to do. What was it? Did she tell me to take him to the ER? I can't remember. Because I think I asked her how I was going to get him there since I couldn't drive. But I don't know if that's what she said. Is that what she said?" I told her to call the doc back and then call me. Two hours later I called her back and she said dad had woken up and was doing better.
Then later me and dad had a serious talk. I told him he couldn't keep putting his body through this and putting himself and her in danger. Then I flat out asked "How long are you going to live like this?" That is the question that he needed to hear, I guess, because he said that no one has ever put it to him that way before (although I have, but he doesn't remember it) I spent a few hours on Sat over there so that dad could rest and not worry about mom.
On Sunday, I went back over there for the day. Dad asked me to talk to mom. To see what her feelings were and to see where her head stood. She doesn't realize what she's doing to my dad. She thinks something is wrong with my dad cause he "sleeps" all the time. When I say that he don't sleep because he's worried about her, she says that she's worried about him, but you don't see her being like that so obviously something is really wrong with him. She doesn't remember falls she has, doesn't remember things she does. She threw away her glasses the other day so now she has to use her prescription sunglasses in the house.
So dad has finally broke down (literally) and said that he just can't take care of her anymore. I went by a nursing home here and asked what all I needed to get done. She also suggested I get a POA so that if she tries to fight it. I'm worried she might. Mom DID bring up her AND dad going into the nursing home. When I asked her "What if there's not an opening for both of you?" She replied "I guess we'd just get on a waiting list and wait til there is one." I just know dad can't do that. My heart was breaking this weekend seeing my dad break down in tears. He doesn't do that around me and he did it a lot this weekend.
Hopefully he's not going to back down again, because I think if he backs down again, it won't ever happen.
(I hope all this makes sense...I usually proofread before posting anything, but I'm pooped...lol...and I just wanted to get this out there :) )
My mom will stay awake all night and do stuff, whether it be laundry, vacuum, or she even tried to cook one time. So even just having someone during the day wouldn't help my dad out much.
When my mom had to go into the nursing home in Ga for rehab, my dad did wonderful! He was able to get sleep, was walking 2 miles a day, able to go see my mom 2 or 3 times a day and still feel good.... just because he emotionally wasn't feeling responsible for her 24/7. He is so drained from worry and knowing that he can't help her ALL the time, that he is taking himself down too.
I just got off the phone with him, a few minute conversation since my mom was hanging around, and all my mom got from my conversation with her last night was that they need to be more positive around me. That they don't need to bring me down with their problems. THAT WASN'T what I talked to her about yesterday. I was trying to get her to see what she was doing to my dad and that is all she got out of it!!! I'm aggravated that she doesn't see!!!
Corinne
Give a hug
Aug. 20,2012
If you are having serious conversations with your mother and then are surprised she doesn't grasp or remember the main points, I think that maybe you don't fully accept her cognitive impairments. Whether she officially has a diagnosis of "dementia" or not, this woman is not functioning in good mental health.
This is how I see it. Do you agree? Mother needs placement. Father needs for Mother to be placed. At this time Father does not need to be in a care center. Mother is not able to make sensible decisions in her own best interests. You and Father need to make decisions for her, and implement them. Is that about how it stands?
This is very, very, hard, for all three of you. My heart goes out to you. Best wishes as you struggle with this.
I totally agree that my mom is not there mentally at times. She doesn't have a true diagnosis of anything, but what she does, how she acts sometimes, and how things are just about her at times....isn't normal (Normal is just a setting on a dryer :) )....but it's wayyyy out there.
My dad is sooo worried that if she gets placed, she will blame him...like "Well, I'm in here because of you." I think that has been one thing that has stopped him before (among other things). I'm hoping that maybe if I get a POA, that maybe she will look at it as I am the one doing it (yea...that's sooo much better...being sarcastic:) ), but that maybe that is one burden off him and he will stick to his guns this time. Hopefully...maybe?
The hospital tried to let her go on Sat after having ran test and giving her blood transfusions since Tues. The nurse had to help her to the bathroom and my dad asked her "So who's gonna do that once she gets home?" The nurse:"You can" Dad:"I can't do it anymore. I'm just not able to." So they agreed to keep her over the weekend (even tho now they say they don't know if insurance will pay since they tried to let her go) Then on Monday, the nurse was anxious to get mom out of the hospital all day. She finally discharged mom to the nursing home. Come to find out, she wasn't supposed to do that and had to bring mom back from the home and re-admit her to the hospital (bet someone got in trouble for that) The insurance stuff hadn't been worked out for the home yet.
The next day, mom was finally able to go to the home. She has been there for a week today. Two problems.
1~ She has the most uncompromising roommate. The roommate "has" to have the heat on so high that mom starts to feel ill. I say "has" because when my dad goes up there and turns it down, the roommate doesn't notice for a while. The roommate won't let mom watch anything at all. It "has" to be whatever she wants.
2~ They keep telling mom "Whenever you go home....." Thing is, she can't come home. I got to talk to a social worker today and told her that there is no way mom can come home. If she does, BOTH of my parents were going to end up at the nursing home. Dad just can't do it and mom can't do it herself. I'm hoping that will be the last of people getting mom's hopes up. I think mom knows that it can't happen (the social worker said that mom was the first person she's had to hesitate when the social worker asks about going home. She said most people are "Oh, I AM going home. Mom wasn't sure about it.)
Hopefully this will help dad. Right now, dad is going to have to move to another apartment since the place he's at, he won't be able to afford without mom. So he's hustling and bustling to get things packed up (along with helping mom get settled) So hopefully he will be able to get some rest. He has said he is finally getting some GOOD sleep, so that is DEF. gonna help.
So since last post (Oct 16th), mom has done well, then not well again. She does the activities that are offered, which is awesome :) While I was growing up, she didn't have many friends and now she is now forming relationships. Also, they have moved her to another room and she LOVES her roommate now. The sad thing is, her roommate has a brain tumor and isn't expected to live but a few more months. She seems so nice (I've only met her once for a few minutes cuz the meds she is on keeps her sleeping a lot) Mom had to have cataract surgery on one eye last week. Then she'll have the other one done later.
But as I said at the beginning, they are talking about letting her go. Last week, she fell 3 times. Yet they want to send her home to a husband who can't take care of her. She is so weak these days, yet they wanna send her home. Last Sat, they had a fall festival. She was looking forward to it (probably more because me and 3 out of 4 boys were going to come). However, she pretty much dozed the whole time. She had a hard time not falling asleep. She's having memory problems again. Couldn't even think of small words. Yet, they wanna send her home to a husband that can't take care of her. I know I'm repeating myself, but it makes me so mad.
Then my dad....he needs to find a new place to live because without having my mom's income, he won't be able to afford the place he's at now. However, he won't go looking. I keep talking to him, giving him #'s and places that are in the paper, yet he's not getting out there and looking. Not even calling. Yet guess who's gonna have to do the moving of him? My family. So he's gonna end up waiting til the last minute and we'll have to rush to get him moved in a few days. I know this because when we got him moved up here to NC from Ga, they had 3 months to get packed up.....they didn't get started until a week beforehand. And so they had to get a couple of ppl in the neighborhood that they were kinda close to to help them. (And now I always hear how they don't like how those ppl packed the things) So my dad has til the 26th of this month to: find a place, get stuff packed, and get it ready to go. Will it happen with time to spare?...don't really think so. In fact when he thought he had to get out by Oct 31st, he wasn't ready AT ALL, with anything. Now that he's got almost a month longer, I STILL don't know if he'll be ready. My 9 yr old is out of school on Monday and Tuesday, so I am having him go and help him with some packing. Hopefully that will motivate him some.
So I'm stressed of what will they decide about mom. One of the social workers mentioned maybe her going to an assisted living that goes off of her income. Just don't know.....
Then my dad not even trying to get things done, then the pressure will be on me to get him moved.
All this while trying to keep up my own home, kids, going to school, doing homework, and worrying about my own financial problems...plus I am almost being a single parent cuz my husband is barely home anymore.
I realized that many of you have been thru this and say that I don't have it bad...but I haven't been in this situation for long, so I don't know how to handle it.