My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

Glad you are here. This will be an added bonus to your meetings. When you wrote about not smiling, that sounded like me a few months ago. I smile for ME now. It makes me feel better. I feel lighter inside. My outside circumstances haven't changed, but my attitude had improved.
So keep on posting and let everyone know how you are.

Thanks lindam,

I went to the caregiver support meeting today...I feel great!!! It's so good to be around people that's going through simular circumstances. We laughed alot and some venting of course. I asked the group if they would like to meet at a Cafe next time and they said Oh Yessss! Getting involved in the Caregiver support group is turning out to be the best thing ever!!!

jazzy1

I wish there was something like that around here!! I live in a dinky little town. my mother is driving me crazy, she breaks everything, she never was the sharpest knife in the drawer but she's even worse now. She has broken the microwave, now the electric can opener is bent beyond repair unless my husband can fix it when he gets home he is on the road alot. Last night I was crocheting a afghan for the children in India, our ladies at church are meeting on Tuesdays and making quilts and blankets for the children and I can't attend because I work. so thought I could do that little bit and she tells me its good to keep my hands busy this coming from a person who wouldn't know a days work if it hit her in the face!! I am thankful for all of you it is good to know I am not alone. I am just distancing myself further away from her. She sits there last night goes into the kitchen warms herself a bowl of something God knows what and walks like a trucker than comes in the family room, sniffles and chows down, doesn't ask me if I am hungry or would like something she is so selfish it makes me want to puke. I really don't like her and that is so sad. But its always been this way its all about her and how she has suffered and how she hasn't had and how well you get the picture When we were kids we did our parents work and I am dead serious so of course all we know is work we could have said the hell with it but we saw what they were and we didn't want any parts of it. So don't sit there and tell me what I should do when you don't even know what to do I swear she is going to out live me and that sucks. She has allergies, but she says oh its a cold, I am drinking tea with honey to work it out of me. Well hells bells you work it out everyday, my father said she was like a goose and he was right eat and shit thats all she does. And if I have to hear one more night of Casey Anthony (poor girl) her opinion not mine I am going to get the shot gun out and blow up every tv in the house. I am thankful I go to church tonight I stay away as much as possible. Try to surround myself with people who are up beat, but there is one in my dept that thinks she knows everything to and is very critical of the tiniest thing so have been keeping my door shut. Where do these people come from? I'm betting on Mars!! I hope you all have a good day. neon

If you can't find a caregiver group, maybe you can find a CoDa (codependents group) or even Al-Anon, because these people will confirm your efforts to distance yourself and detach from her issues. At least you'd have "company" that understands.

Please keep coming back here, as many here understand, too. I hope you can figure out different living arrangements. This is not healthy for you at all. You also may want to talk with your doctor. It's possible that your mother and/or you have clinical depression, for which there is help. But obviously, this is a lifelong issue and living together just makes it that much worse. The best answer would be separate living quarters. I hope you can find some help to do this.

Carol

Well, I suggested after dad died she take something for depression because actually she's always been a depressed person and I said this while in her doctors office, he agreed and wrote her a prescription she got it filled threw it away and said there was nothing wrong with her mind! I have suggested she talk to someone she said there is nothing wrong with her mind and got really ticked off. I do take something for depression I have dealt with depression since I was 13. It does help a great deal. She had a nice affordable apartment but did not like it because they came around every three months for inspection and it was for bugs and repairs and stuff like that she thought they were spying on her to see how clean she was and she isn't but she did keep the place nice. Actually it was the nicest place she had ever lived in. Than she came up with the story that the woman next door was having a band playing every night and men over now the woman next door at that time was 87 years old with alzheimers and she did have a lot of people over there her daughters and grand children. My mother is deaf she can't even hear me talk to her three feet away I have to repeat everything three to five times, I have even bought a white board but she doesn't get that either. or doesn't want to I should say, If she was incapable of doing things I would put her in a nursing home in a heart beat. Its these little games she plays, she has always played them I do not feel comfortable putting her in a nursing home and there are no other alternatives. I have kept my schedule and am doing things to keep busy and keeping my house in order. She wants to control me and I refuse thats the bottom line, She had a little tantrum Christmas eve and I told her she could go to her room it was my house, she was not spoiling my christmas and if she didn't like who was coming those were her options. When they got there she was all goodness and light, when my friends from church stop in she's all good ness and light than tells me my problem is I have too many friends. We just don't mesh. That is why I am distancing myself. She is perfectly capable of doing lots of things, I've seen it with my own two eyes, its just what she selects to do. So you see there is no where else she can live she just wants the room and the tv and to be left alone unless she wants you to do something. I can live with that But I don't have to like it. She doesn't need a caregiver yet as soon as she does she will go to a nursing home. My sister understands she helps me even tho she lives in another state, she lets me vent and you guys let me vent that helps I have a funny sense of humor and use it whenever it is appropriate, I go out on fri nights and play cards with friends and I am a productive citizen I am considering talking to a psychologist where I work but the money is also a factor a person just can't have everything perfect which I've known for 55 years so I appreciate your input but that is the situation I do have people to talk to that understand I just thought I would vent this morning to let others know there are more of us in this situation than we know. I will keep your sound advice close to me but please do know as soon as she needs care she will be moved to a nursing home. I have no problem with that she is so lucky to be able to have her health at her age 82 and she doesn't even know it, but than again she has never known what she had at any age enough to appreciate anyway. ttfn neon

What a gal you are, Neon! Brave, compassionate and smart. I'm glad you can vent, have people to call on, and are coming here to help us all.
Carol

Hey Neon,

You have alot on your plate...my mom isn't mobile! Sometimes I'm not sure if I should count my blessings?! I believe it would be better if you had separate living quarters from your mom. What about the church can they help you out? Take her on daytrips or for the weekend so you can regain you sanity? I feel for you...it's tough! I'm also trying to avoid the nursing facility for my mom, but I feel I need to give it about six months.

Keep venting on this site so everyone can support you, okay! I'll say a prayer for you.

Hang in there!

-Trish

Well, its not so much if you try to keep it at bay. I've always had a lot on my plate some days I handle it better than others. She will not go out for anything that is fun, My father could never get her to go anywhere, when we were kids Dad would take us to the shore or picnics and she would never go????? I keep busy I am always doing something, crocheting afghans for the kids in India, mentoring a child, going to church, she won't do that either. Church suppers, cards on friday nights, trying to get a exercise class started with some friends, a few laughs and a tighten up that flab a little, play computer games, ofcourse, cook, clean and laundry so there is always something to keep me out of site. You know that when its done I hear Oh I was going to do that, but its best if I do that way I won't be disappointed yet another time. I am the type of person I have always had hope in situations but in this situation it isn't going to change so I don't set myself up anymore. I thank you for your prayers Trish, I will not feel guilty putting her in the nursing home I work for the healthcare system and the nursing home is just a 3 min walk from my office. I know everyone over there so that will not be a problem its just a matter of time. If your mom needs the extra care do it with dignity and love and it will be okay. We all have to die its how we do it that matters. I want to do it in a loving way to my son and perhaps my husband I don't want to be arrogant and all about me. I have always been ready to do what is necessary for all of them and am not going to change now. I came from the poor side of town but I now have a little bit of class and that makes a person feel better about themselves I think. my brother and sister and I had to grow up real fast and we have all made something of ourselves we did not let our situation be our handicap. I am proud of all three of us. I am hanging trying to hang loose these days it helps. and this site helps. thanks again and good luck in your decision I also will be praying for you and all the others on this site. Please mention everyone by name to God neon

Hey Neon,

Great...I'm glad to hear that you don't have a problem with putting your mom in a nursing home, there is no sense in taking everyone else down! And it's great you didn't let your circumstances of your childhood hinder you! I love success stories!!!My mom just complains and complains, I just let it roll off now. It wasn't so easy in the beginning! Now I just look at her and smile and walk away.

Some good news...I was awarded a grant through my local Redwood Caregiver Resource Center. Which means they will send someone to my place whenever I need help or just to get away and go to the movies, glass of wine with friends, a daytrip, or whatever I decide I want to do!!! "Oh happy day"

Thanks to God!
-Trish

Hey Jazzy thats the jazziest, congrats. I am glad there are places that will help people out. Yeah my mom is the same way complaining is her main source of well pick something. I do to I just nod my head and keep on going. Sometimes it is still hard especially if you don't feel well to hear someone go on and on about every person in her life that did this or that to her or how she never got whatever you know theres a cure for that, get off your ass and get a job. Well she can't now but she could have I even got a part time job for her years ago lets see she was hmmm 59 or 60 but her legs wouldn't be able to stand for four hours AWW I worked for a florist until five years ago and I'm 60 and before that 25 years as a waitress which I absolutely loved but when I couldn't lift all those heavy columns and throw them in the truck and set up weddings and stuff because of my body I went back to office work which I was trained for initially but found boring and taught myself the job I have now I am an IT coordinator and theres a lot of new stuff in my head and never a dull moment. But this is about you and again Hurray I am so happy for you Jazzy.

Neon

Thanks Neon!

My prayer are with you!

-Jazzy

OOOOHHHH!!!! Relief isn't coming fast enough! I'm still waiting for the vouchers so my help hasn't arrived yet! I really feel bad...but if I didn't know that help was on the way I would have to put her in a home. We spent about 5 hours in the ER yesterday. It's amazing how after spending a few hours in the hospital her symptoms seems to disapear or if she sees my 5 year old niece she seems to recover quickly. I think there's a few things going on--I think she's lonely, depressed and don't want to admit it!!! I talked to her social worker and told her that she's fighting me, she won't go to Adult Day Care. So my Social Worker asked her if she would go to the Senior Health Care (same thing) and she said yes! God bless Social Workers!!!

Have any of you called adult protective services on your folks. How does that work do they just go in and get them . What happens to them.Also about DL How do you get them way from them. My mom is bent on driving to kalamazoo if she can. Neon I love you spunk and you made me laugh I hope I can return the favor one day.
M.

Up
the creek,

you will you seem to have the same sense of humor and a little hutzpah gets you a lot of places.

If you call adult services, they go in and check to see if they can care for themselves or if they are a danger to themselves (or each other). If that is the case, they will work to get them the care they need, likely a nursing home, but that depends on the county/state where you live. Once they are involved, they are involved. But it can be a Godsend, if you just plain don't know what to do with them.

Carol

Minding our Elders,
Do they check ewith their doctors also.
Mendi

Hi upthecreek,

My mom was orginally in my yougest brother's care and because he became abusive to her verbally and physically, my oldest brother called APS. They asked my mom if she wanted to press charges and she declined. So they told my oldest brother they will help him find a Board and Care Home. To get her out of there "NOW". Once APS gets involved they move fast and you will need to do the same. If you can check out at least 4 Board and Care Homes and Nursing Facilities before you call them. If not they will give you a list and also, they will check on the facilites you find to make sure you loved one is going into a better situation. It moves really fast so you have to be ready and don't look back.

Hey Neon,

How are you doing? Sometimes I think, when is the last time I smiled or did something for fun...will I ever again? And then I remember, take one day at a time!

Hey Jazzy, Well we have different levels of fun sometimes I just stick my head out the back door and yell to the top of my lungs and think about how ridiculous I would look to some little kid walking by and come back in just laughing my head off and of course my cats and dog say oh shit get out of her way she's lost it but mom doesn't hear it and I think thats funny, Suppose toplay cards tonight don't know that I will finally got my drugs straightened out these companies really get on my nerves if you work and have a prescription plan they screw you so I had my doctor rewrite my stuff for 3 months at a time for Wal Mart and already saved three months worth of pill money, that don't sound right does it haha pill money anyway going to sign the old man up for social security and do our taxes this week end I am just oohing and ahhing about it B O R I N G but somebody's got to do it. I just talked to Country wide needless to say I sent a email to the white house and the govenor of our state, I am going to worry the crap out of the white house wish I could get my hands on that blackberry email address LOL anyway its not his fault this started a long time ago my only fear is its going to continue a long long time and we think we have it bad now honey its gonna get lots worse before it gets better so country wide heres another one you want all the property in the united states than take it but by golly you can't take it with you anyway. Got my eye on a very large cardboard box LOL just teasing make some fun next week I'm popping Richard Simmons in the old vcr and letting her rip probably break my tape LOL you all take care and have a great week end

Thanks Jazzy, sounds scary. Can I request that find a in home healthcare person for her. I don't know that she is reay to go in a NHome. She is content at home and seems to be able to do some things for herself you just have to run behind her and watch her.
utcreek

Neon,

You're funnnnny!!!

Hey upthecreek,

While I was awarded the grant for inhome care for three months it was discovered they made a mistake, I'm not getting as many hours as I thought. So the Social Worker said to call Faith in Action they have volunteers that will come out and help around the house and respite care. Talking to them was wonderful. They also suggested that I call the County Inhome Support Care and set something up with them. It is also based on your income but it won't be as expensive as the other agencies. Or look for Not-for-profit Health Care Agencies.

Okay all have a great weekend!!!
-Jazzy

Well , They didn't take moms drivers license away and I am almost sure she threaten the doc if he did with a law suit or something and it scared him for telling me she had some behavioral problems. What do you think I should do now you guys? She still at home by herself, she still driving by herself. I do have a copy of the prescription the doc gave me that said she couldn't drive and couldn't live alone. Where do I go now.


Oh, you guys I am up a creek alright becuase I know if Ignore these problems it will come back to haunt me.The doc did not right or call me back this week. I am getting so tired of the runarounbd and worry.

I am glad I have you guys though you do make me laugh some times.
Jazzy hang in there. Mendi

Oh Mendi, Mendi, Mendi,

What are you going to do? ??? I hate being in that spot...not knowing what to do!!!
Have you looked into Assisted living for your mom? As for the car can you take it to the fake shop, pull the distributor cap...something?

Sometimes I think, you know this isn't fair, my mom didn't go through this with her mom. She visited her mom in the nursing home! She did ask my grandmother if she wantd her to take her home and my grandmother said no! So why are we going through this??? What happened that we are suppose to give up our lives when they didn't?! If I mention that I'm tired she starts to cry and says you act like you're tired of taking care of me!
jazzy: and I say, no, I'm just tired.
mom: are you sure?
jazzy: I'm sure, mom!
mom: cause you act like you tired all the time.
jazzy: I am.
mom:(crying).
jazzy:(wanting to scream)...this never ends.......
and so it goes...we'll play the same scene in two days....

Hang in there everybody!!!!

Wow! It's not a drive to crazy, but a short walk. It took forever for the Sec of State to finally take away my Dad's DL, but Mom had a blackout and couldn't drive for 6 months. The police told me to disable the car. We thought my husband had, only to learn later, they were still driving without licenses. Their neighbor Police Chief told me to take the keys. They had new ones made. So he told me to take their cars. I did (legally), through Guardianship and Conservatorship at the Probate Court. Someone responsible has to be in charge, and they weren't capable. Dad was taken out of the home and placed in a hospital for stabilization, then nursing home due to his behavior, not my lack of patience, or willingness to care for him. With Advanced Stage Alzheimer's, and our situation, his needs determined his care and living conditions. And Mom still lives 200 miles away in a place beyond her needs and abilities. We are the closest (and only) responsible caregivers for her, but her needs (and demands) are increasing as well. It's a short walk to crazy, but a long drive to help her. She declines every offer for help in her home (except ours, which isn't realistic), and says she "won't move" unless her (unreasonable) demands are met. We're looking at alternatives to move her closer by us, since her husband couldn't find the help he needed by her. Unfortunately, we will have to place necessity above desire. How stressful it is for all of us! And the State and court's requirements are a full-time job in themselves. Scrambling here...

It's so sad, and the devastation and loss so great, it makes us hurt.

I don't know what I am gone to do Jaz, I have not spoke to her in weekand half. Last words we had she was so ugly. I live 400 miles away and my brother is not cooperate. It is driving me nuts. He sides with her of course becuase she place head games with him hiding stuff. She does it with both of us but I caught on a long time ago. Its a mess. Today, my hubby was grumpy and he didn't help much either when he said the deserted me why, not him to. He was joking but I didn't find it funny. I started tearing up. This is so hard. I just don't know what I am going to do. I don't want to call Adult protection agency or take her to court.Its just a tuff spot to be in.
I don't know why it is happening to us. I even brrought that up to my mother . Her mother was not as hard and she said well I let my mom be and live by herself up til she dies of course. Although she was having small stroke. She lived by her self til she was 86. But of course my mother isn't my mother and she is an extremely heavy smoker and can collaspe again any day. December tthe 30th she quite breathing at 20% so now you see my worry. Allot of What If's it makes me sick to think about it all.

My brother hasn't even phoned me since I left two weeks ago so I sit here and worry about what to do.

Mendi

If you've done everything you can, and she doesn't want to accept, and you don't want to go to court, and you don't want to call DHS, then why are you so upset? Why is what happening to you? Dementia and bad decisions happen every day to lots of people. Who do you live 400 miles away from? Siblings don't cooperate, and we can't make them. Our parents don't either, and we can't force them. Nobody says you have to call any agency. What do you mean your mother isn't your mother? What is so hard? The emotions involved? Are you trying to make her be different or see things different or somehow become reasonable and nice? Or your brother be cooperative? What do you mean you sit and worry about what to do? About what? What ifs will only make you sick if you sit and ponder them waiting for ??????? Yeah, it's sickening. But so is sitting around thinking about how sickening it is. Only you can change that. What does your husband say you should do? What are you and he going to do for Valentine's Day? What have you done nice for yourself, even when your Mom and brother won't? Here's a hug and a prayer.

Carol is right. Sometimes the answer is right in front of us, and fear prevents us from acting upon what we need to do. If you wait long enough, your Mom's problems will take care of themselves, then you won't have to sit around wondering what to do, you can just wish you had done something. Or you could get some free advice from a professional at a Senior Center or a Case Worker or Social Worker at some agency. Or you could ask Carol @ MindingOurElders some questions. She's brilliant, and she's been there and has lots of experience and lots of good advice. I'm impressed with her articles. They have helped tremendously! Follow her links and read that stuff, then do it!!!

i am lost for words , i am so tired i hope somebody can help

Anne, I don't know that I done all I can do ?I have just started dealing with this stuff and I am new at it all .I am just not sure its the right things to do and it seemd the professionals can't help with that either.That's nothing surprising in this day and time.I live 400 miles away from my mother. I am not trying to change her I am just trying to help her because her doctor says she shouldn't be living alone or driving before she hurts someone or herself . She is just stubborn as all get out .She trys to treat herself and live on her prescriptions .By saying she is not my mother ,I mean she isn't not mother I once knew she has so much.I don't sit and ponder on what ifs. I have been trying to get help but keep hitting walls with professionals.I have done allot nice things for myself like go to Movie and spend time with my immediate family. Our anniversary is Valentines day so I am sure we will do something nice we are talking about it. I think we may renew our vows been married 20years this year. My husband ,well he doesn't say much he has his own mother to deal with and that is another story but she is doing well she is younger than my mom by 20 years and not so depressed. Got allot spunk left in her.I am not trying to change anyone I just want her to get good help and realize what the doc says . I just get bummed out when I bump into a wall or get stuck . My brother lives two blocks away and he still and doesn't want to take care of our mother (I am not sure he has the know how)but she has so much control over him. I know he has to be miserable. I would be if I had to live with it everyday day in -day out. She can be very overpowering.I just take it one day at a time I know the good Lord will here my prayers sooner or later.

Thanks for the prayers. Oh, by the way guys Push the movie is not any good kinda boring but Take we saw last weekend was really good and keeps you on your toes.Believe it or not one cuss word in Taken. Pretty good little action suspense movie.
I know my boys enjoyed it and hubby.I did to though it was scary to think about.
Have a great Sunday and thanks for the prayers Anne.

May God be with each of you.
M.

Dear Mendi, I feel for you. Living 400 miles away is definitely a problem, but nothing against you. Distance will definitely make it hard to help, and how can she accept your suggestions, if you can't follow through? If the Doc says she can't live alone, and knows your situation, what is he doing to help? Seems like some of the burden is on him, don't you think? What's the deal with your brother? Is he incapacitated or in denial? Often they just don't want to do what needs to be done, because it's a huge responsibility and work, and perhaps his heart is not in the right place either. Yours is, and I admire your love and concern for your mother. If you haven't gotten help from Professionals, perhaps you just haven't found the right one. Go online to "Eldercare" sites, and enter her city and see what you can find. But you would have to have authority (POA or Guardianship) in order for anyone to listen to you. That would be difficult with the distance you live away from Mom. Wow, you're in a tough place caring, but unable to affect change without that. I'm glad you have your son and hubby and do some nice things together. We are homeschooling, too. Praying for a miracle for you! Anne

Hi Anne,
I don't know what to do ? I have checked into a few things and asked question. My brother is special needs also and may not know what to do?He is too a little in denial I beleive. He is some what asperger and Add with Dyslexia.So, he may not know what to do and my mother could also be in control of his feelings and thoughts allot by playing the head games with him she tries with me. I am praying that God will intervine soon and show me some guidance with all this or give me some one that can help.While ,I do research stuff. God sent me home just so I could think and meet you guys and try to figure this all out I believe. Just allot to take on and its not that I don't want to its my hands are tideso I have to figure out how to untie them.

God knows and I am sure he will is in control here and I have to let him Do his work also. One day at a time.
Our pastor said soemthing this morning that really made me think and maybe it will help you guys to think about it also.

We don't get no replays in our lives and we can only do it once. Through grace and faith, and obiendence to him we will will come out smiling but if we let law command our feelings we will be grumpy and unhappy and fighting all the time.Great sermon.
Put allot of prespective on things. So are willing to let God do his work or are we trying to fix things oursleves. Interesting thought.

When we try to help God some time we end up in a whole lot of trouble because we don't let Him be in control. Guys don't forget to let him help also.
Blessings to all,

Mendi