My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

MBMBMB--of course, no one understands because it's you and only you facing the The Beast. Waiting to be sliced to ribbons keeps you from seeing other realities away from cave you are in. MY Beast is 95 and getting meaner and stronger! Give yourself five minutes in the day and look at something incredibly beautiful without blinking--a flower, an art book print, the design of a beautiful dress, remember a phrase of a love song--that may give you a bit of a breath of courage. Feeling guilty is the DEFAULT of all of us subservient "good girl" daughters--I'm tired of feeling guilty for these 65 years. What I could have done if I had been free of her. Expand your five minutes to ten minutes each day or you'll end up feeling like you're under a wet electric blanket the rest of your life--you are too courageous for that. Best wishes to you and keep writing.

MBMBMB,

Is that a typo on your profile that your mother is 51?

Concerning being a slave, your mother groomed you to be one. She will not change. Only you can change by not dancing her emotional dance with her. She's emotionally blackmailing you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Read the thread "The Power of Emotional Blackmailers."
It covers, What is it? its origin? Its effects? How it's defeated by some? Why it's victorious over others?

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm?cpage=0&cm=440543#440543

Does your mother absolutely have to live with you in your house or could she go to independent or assisted living.

I wish you the very best!

No I am 51 my mother is 84!! Sorry!!! MBMBMB

Thanks for the clarification!

Why does your mother have to live with you?

It is your house that she's living in as your guest and an abusive one at that.

No one deserves to be made to feel like they are a slave even if it is your mom and you only have one mom. You're not an appendage connected to your mom. You are your own adult person.

Here's my little song that I'm still working on.
50 ways to leave your abusive mother.

It is sad to see you in so much pain
I wish I could quickly make life happy again

The path to freedom is clear by approaching it logically
I want to help you make it better and get yourself free

There must be 50 ways to leave an abusive mother!

Just use the key,
Its name is boundary
use it to get yourself free!

Just make a new plan, Stan
Send her to assisted livin’, Kevin


There must be 50 ways to leave an abusive mother!

Put her on the little bus, Gus
No need to discuss much.

JUST GET YOURSELF FREE!

This old thread does bring up a new question with me. Why do many, many older people lose empathy with others? I can understand it more when there is dementia, since reasoning ability can be the first thing to go. But it happens so often when there is no dementia.

My guess is that they must be the ones with the narcissistic or borderline personalities that we about so frequently here. It's almost like a mental health plague.

What I noticed with my mother is that her personality intensified. Just like my father. The difference between the two was night and day.

My father was chivalrous to a fault! I mean most people could not handle how kind he was towards women and he was definitely a fan with everyone (men included) because he just was so caring but firm. Once he had his stroke and dementia started setting in, he could not remember current things, but he was still chivalrous towards everyone! And that personality just intensified and all the seniors at AL including staff just loved him to pieces. When he died at the hospital I was right by his side and he told me how beautiful I looked and that he loved me. Beautiful he was right to the end.

Then there was my mother. Dad always had control of her where he would nudge her elbow when she was getting out of hand with me trying to control me. Or he would have cues to give my mom. When dad had his stroke, her world collapsed. Then her true personality that I had only been "privileged" to see for so long, was not coming out in spades and now other outsiders or friends started slowly seeing it depending on the situation. By the time she was hospitalized, and up until her hospitalization, she was turning a grey pasty color. She was just wicked looking and those that knew her saw that. She died on her terms. Never said boo to me, never said squat. She was an asshole in the hospital refusing treatments and just shut down. When they moved her into hospice, she wasn't even settled and she was kind of in a coma, and she was there 15 minutes and just died. Hideous color, withered up.

I knew that the condition of the heart is very important in life. I watched two extreme opposites and their end of life. Huge difference!!!

My mom moved in with me 3 years ago and yes she drives me to my wits. I have Multiple Sclerosis and she wants me to cater to her. This means carry in a case of water, vaccum carpet every day, etc!!! I do what I am able, but it is affecting my health!! She tells my sibling I do nothing, but take advantage of her!!!! She gets around fine, but refuses to visit her grand-daughter and family! She has never even seen their house!!! I I do get out and go places, she is never happy always complaining!!!! Thank You for letting me vent!!!

cheerleader, I can so relate to carrying water. My mother thought tap water was fine for 85 years. After I got here she decided that only bottled water was good enough. I bring home 3 packs a week now. She won't drink unless it is the little bottles.

To Mitzipinki - I'm sorry about your father. Your story made me think of him because he was a saint and compared to my mother, she is horrible. I don't know how he put up with her for over 50 years. He passed away a little over a year ago at 84 & when he started getting some dementia about 2 yrs prior, I started seeing her true colors. She was always kindof mean and completely unaffectionate with her son and daughter (me) all our lives. I realize now, she more or less behaved with us all those years because of him. She's told me she never like kids or wanted them. What does that mean? Her insensitive mean ways would come out sometimes, but I guess she knew I would tell him so she controlled herself when he was alive & she still controlled herself with me when he had dementia & I realize it's b/c I was her only help with him because after he passed, the wicked witch of the west came out & I had a feeling that would happen. He protected us from her. She is SPOILED. He said she didn't have to work. she worked like 1-2 yrs at a factory in her 30's. He worked his butt off almost never taking vacations "for the family" as he would say, almost never traveled, but he could afford it. He always said he wanted to make sure we were all ok the day he passed.
Here's my story. I'm glad there's a place to vent where there's people that might understand. Maybe she has early onset Dementia? She is a little unreasonable but is fully functional.
My mom doesn't speak English, even though she's been here since 1969. He got to a point where he was too tired or started getting dementia at a point where he wouldn't talk to the doctors much at the appts & we had to speak for him. So not only because of the language did I go to the appts but I insisted & wanted to be very involved to make sure he got the best medical attention possible. I looked for better drs, talk to docs on the phone, made appts, & did everything except the day to day caregiving because she did that. So I helped her & all she had to do was care for him, which yes I know it was tough & sad for her. I didn't live with them. I hadn't lived with them for 25 yrs. When his health was obviously failing, they finally told me what was going on & I was mid looking for a full time job in my teaching career, but that had to be put on hold. They didn't ask me to, I had to b/c the dr appts/therapies for cancer were 2-3 times a week. He had heart issues too that came up & was just going down healthwise over a 2-3 yr period. He had issues where I took him to see almost every type of specialist. It was heartbreaking for my mother and I to see him like that. She didn't want his niece to come visit or anyone b/c she didn't want them to see him "sick" as if people can't get sick. He agreed. I think he agreed b/c if he ever went against her, she would bitch about it & make his life hell...being that he was now in a wheelchair he probably just accepted whatever her wishes were. But I told her it would help her & me if she would let his niece, who was offering & lived closer to assist, by coming over & staying with him while she went to the pharmacy or took a drive or went shopping or whatever, because the last year when he couldn't be left alone & he would wake up in middle of the night & he'd need toileting assistance, first walking to the bathroom then using the commode, because she complained that she was exhausted & needed to leave the house sometimes. I lived 30 min away by my job. I offered to quit my job & she help me pay my bills & then I could help full time & I could also be relieved of some stress driving back and forth, but she refused (even though they had plenty money). I asked her how about some community help. She refused to let anyone come over. Even though I was a good daughter (I wanted to do all that anyway because I was trying to save him) it's like she didn't realize I was in this with her & feeling horrible as well. Instead of understanding what I was going through emotionally, she got worse while he was sick in her meanness & worse in demands & became very dependent, for example, she could call the pharmacy for a question, but would call me while I was working so that I'd do it. I was barely being able to keep my part time job having to ask for schedule changes & time off for dr appts. How could I advance in the company? No matter my sacrifices & the fact I am also mourning, after my dad died, her true colors came out full force. I found her a probate attorney that speaks her language (Spanish) so that she can speak with him when needed, but she still insists that I call him for everything. Claiming that she doesn't understand things when I've explained it a million times. Simply, "Probate is for the judge to put your name on the properties after seeing if he owed any debt & he didn't so don't worry, it just takes time b/c of certain steps like advertising in the paper for 2 months, writing a letter to Medicaid to see if owed money, which they never used Medicaid". She plays dumb. I believe that b/c there is nothing wrong with her. She lives alone, pays her bills, drives, walks faster than me & has all her health! Thank God, but why is it that the good ones go first? I have read various stories here where the father was the sweet one that showed his children love & he's the one that went first. It's a bad situation b/c I KNEW that if he went 1st things were going to suck. She is mean b/c now I can't tell him. She is SPOILED b/c she complains that now she has to do the probate thing because 3 of the 5 properties he left did not have her name on the deed and he made sure to leave no debt, they are all paid off, so it's just a matter of paperwork & the time the courts take, but she COMPLAINS constantly that it's taking too long & she can't believe he didn't know to just add her to the deeds. Thing is there is no homestead or senior exemption, the property tax discounts when it's an estate on Jan. 1st, so the case is 1 yr now & she had to pay an extra $2000 in 2015 for property taxes, but she has thousands in the bank. Yes, I agree to take care of this asap & doing all I can to expedite this & she might get a refund once her house is in her name & if not, the discount can begin for 2016, but we have to wait for the courts. Point is, it will be worked out & she just has to wait. I have enough stress with my own things, work (finally working full time), & ALL her financial matters that my dad handled. She gets rental income! In addition to her retirement. At least she still sends checks in the mail for her bills & takes care of herself. The woman is strong. Anyways, here we go: she puts me down, belittles me, counts pennies & writes it down & constantly throws it in my face & complains when she gives me financial assistance. She calls me constantly sometimes for example if I'm sleeping in on my day off but SHE thinks I shouldn't. I should start the day early & get things done, & she gives me a list like 1. call her attorney, 2. call her credit card for some question, 3. call her sister to thank her for a x-mas present (reminding me). She treats me like a slave or her worker, like a child & constantly tells me I'm irresponsible for - not calling her sister yet or for changing a lawyer appt to a later time in the day b/c she agreed to an early morning time on my day off with him without checking with me first. I tell her I'm tired & need to recuperate, but it's her chance to say I'm being irresponsible. She blows things out of proportion, is a DRAMA QUEEN, & any chance she gets to make me feel bad. I said I was going to lose 10 lbs & she said not to b/c I will look bad b/c I have a small face & head. She said this to me once before when she said not to wear a hat b/c of "my little head & face" so it would look bad. Why? B/c I was going to a family's house for a child's b-day party & she felt I should not wear a hat. My dad used to pay to have my cars fixed or he would outright buy me a car. Now I have an old car with 160,000 miles that breaks down & I've been borrowing dad's almost new truck. She has 2 cars at home for herself & is insisting I bring his truck back so she can "park it there & leave it there". Admitting it won't be used. And that she will split the cost to fix my car with me, when she knows I live paycheck to paycheck working about 30-40 hrs a week (it's not always full time) & can't find permanent FT work because my resume shows a gap & they ask what I've been doing the past few yrs. If I tell them taking care of my parents, they won't want to hire me. She said this weekend, "lets fix that crappy car of yours". She knows that is not how my dad would've handled it & it is not what I am used to as his daughter. He was generous, caring & loving & if he could help, he'd do it without hesitation & without being asked. His thing was to buy me a car or fix my car when I needed the help. But this car is at it's last legs & has left me stranded & she has THREE good ones sitting at her house when the truck goes back. Not to mention thousands in the bank. I don't know if it's early onset of dementia or what! But she is an angry unreasonable woman. I understand she's a widow & is mourning, but I think she uses that as an excuse for her behavior & only her feelings matter. She has told me that I am obliged to do things for her. I never said I wouldn't, but she likes to say these things. Mind you, when dad was wheelchair bound & using a comode, she would call him old man, yell at him & say she was going to get plastic surgery to look younger when he passed. I witnessed it & was disgusted & hurt & told her not to talk to him that way. There were a few times I thought nursing home would be better so he wouldn't have to be abused. She had control of his money so I couldn't just quit & move in. After he died she told me he cheated with a family friend I knew as a child. Sick. I don't know if it's true, but it's almost as if she wanted to smear his name since everyone was saying what a wonderful man he was. She portrays the sad widow & a sweet old lady to everyone outside. She wants sympathy & attention. Yes, he was all she knew for 50 yrs but she is being selfish & empathy s out the window. His niece doesn't speak to her. She has only seen her grandson & great-granddaughter once in the past year as she never invites them over. She never calls her grandson (my son). I believe she feels everyone should chase her & kiss her butt. The place my son (25) was renting at was foreclosed & he was temporarily homeless with wife & 1 yr old. I have no space at my place & she wouldn't allow him to temporarily move into her 5 Bedroom & 3 Bathrm house where she lives alone. Does any of this make any sense? You'd think she'd want to spend time with them. She says "no b/c he might stay permanently & I want to live alone plus I don't want to babysit." She doesn't think she'll get sick one day? She's 77.
One day out of the blue she said "my properties that my husband left me". It's like it's gone to her head. It's scary b/c all the properties will go under her name & there is no way I'm going to live with her & take care of her when she gets sick. I'm sorry. And she will need nursing home & Medicaid won't pay for it when she owns properties & if by some miracle she allows to transfer the deeds to her kids or add us or something, not sure how we could do this so that she qualifies for Medicaid....thing is I live in 1 property for the past 25 yrs, my mother in hers, my brother in another is his home & 2 others are the rental income properties. I fear we will all lose our homes to pay for years of Nursing home, Etc. In this I have no idea what to do, I am looking for I guess an Elder law atty or Real Estate atty that will know how to handle this if she should make a trust to protect where we live from Medicaid.
She refuses to take on hobbies or go to church like she used to and get involved in a group. She is anti-social with entire family except she talks to me & her sister, & her niece sometimes & they don't see what I see.

I read my post & apologize for it being so long & I'd like to Clarify that in now way did my mother physically abuse my father. When I said abuse, I meant verbal. I saw her once or twice talk to him mean & there shouldn't be any excuse, but she was in denial that he couldn't help his declining heath & she said she thought that by saying certain things showing to him her frustration and how she wants him to get better that he might get motivated to get better. But I told her, not by calling him old man and saying you're going to get plastic surgery b/c you are moving on with life if he doesn't get better. He couldn't will himself to get better. I just saw her say this once & another time call him old & he needs to get better but like yelling like she was freaking out. Those days I'd stay when not working but then had to go back home because of my son at home & back to work. He was alert and communicating at that time & he could've told me anything he wanted to. Otherwise she was good in taking care of him & nice & made sure his meds were on time but she just emotionally had a hard time dealing with the reality of his failing health. I hope I'm not being insensitive, but her behaviors towards us & how she knows he wouldn't want that b/c he loved us kids & grandkids so much & saying he cheated once kindof makes me wonder if she was just afraid of his death & the future & not so much losing him if she resented him for cheating. I mean why would she say that to me now & behave so mean. I swear I feel like if I'm her step-child.

Hi where can I find a support group in my area, my Mother and her dog moved in with me last October, and she is driving me crazy!!!!

Who says we have to look after our parents? I have parents that were not the best. They certainly are users when it comes to me and my sister. We (my sister and I) are not wealthy and are not at the age of retirement, but they expect us to do so much for them. My parents fight so much and are so negative. They are mentally exhausting. I really don't want to have to "take" care of either of them and really want them in home when that time comes. I am afraid they will try to "guilt" one of us into staying with them or moving in with us. Where is it said that "we" are our parents keepers? I know that neither of them did a dog gone thing to take care of their parents. My grandmother lived her last years in a home. Thoughts please.

Crab town,I think people believe honoring your parent(s) equates to doing it all. Even in healthy relationships I think there has to be a deciding factor in the length that you will go, but that line is much more extensive. But I just learned that honoring meant doing all I was to do but at a distance emotionally. For me physically I could not meet the demands of both as an only child. That was a given, but through it all, I did honor them. I didn't walk away and I sure as hell could of with mom. But every basic need was met with excellence and I will share with anyone that honoring your parent does not mean being the brunt of their abuse.

Thank you for this. Your statement "every basic need was met" helps to put this in perspective and honoring does not mean accepting abuse. Thank you.

I am finding that my Mother is sucking all of my free time for her own needs. I am a single 58 year old with no children who has lived alone all of my adult years. Since October she has moved in demanding most of my time except for the time i go to work. She is

Demanding and self centered..yet i pitty her condition.

My mom is driving me insane. She is 84 and lived through every health issue possible, well even things she shouldn't have. I know people like to talk about how sweet and caring their moms are and were. My mom has always been a mean, vindictive, drama making person. Mental illness runs in her side of the family. Unfortunately by the time I figured out that the way she made us live wasn't normal it was to late to get away. I have ran several times as an adult only to get sucked right back in. She won't let any of my siblings care for her and now they won't even try. My sister has the same mental issues as my mom and ever time I get Mom settled where I can live in any peace, she comes in and capsizes the boat, then takes off.When my sister does it it usually ends up with my mom screaming at me, cursing me and accusing me. After over 20 yrs of this I finally don't really care what I say back to her, I don't care to tell her as bad as she hates me, the rest don't care and are not going to do for her and she most certainly can go to a rest home if she can find one to take her. After one of these situations occur she lays in state for 3 or 4 days refusing to eat, or take her meds or leave her room.I have called EMS but they always say she's in her right mind and since she refuses to go to the hospital they can't make her. Her doctors are useless, I've tried to get them to help, I've sought help from the senior center, even DHSS. They all tell me if I am willing to work and pay around 2k a month they can put her a nursing home, (and that's one of the less desirable homes that always have reports to the state) more to get her in a little better place.Shoot I ain't be able to keep a job more than 6 months over the last 15 yrs cause she goes nuts and I end up having to quit. I have lost numerous homes, 2 husbands, and am now 54 single jobless and living off saving just to continue taking care of her.Stability has never been something we could get used to, and I have lived in over 30 places, because she insisted after a few months we had to move and for years got others side with her. I have refused to move the last 2 yrs and this is becoming a real issue with her. Any way there's way more to the situation than I could put here, but just saying she's driving me crazy.

You don't pay for the NH. Either mom or Medicaid does.

Babalou I just talked to people suggested through this site, she can't pay because there's no place anywhere near here that will take her with the income she has. as I said I have tried everybody I can and unless I can pay a huge difference between her income and the cost, which I can't, she stays with me as until she dies or I disappear.

The problem we have with my MIL is that she was a complete ass when she was young, now that she is elderly she is 1000 times worse! She was the poster child for the 1950's house wife, the ones that thought a woman's place was to take care of kids and house work only. She has virtually no knowledge of anything else whatsoever, and as she says "I don;t know anything and I'm proud of it". I really feel for my FIL, the poor bastard had to baby sit her his entire adult life. We have given up all hope.

Today has been the worst day. My Mom has been with us for about three weeks, she has dementia and I am exhausted. Every few minutes she asks where her parents are. I had to tell her they went out, and they said she has to spend the night. This has been happening almost every night, but I am reaching a point where I just feel like crawling under a rock. Several times today she asked to go outside, and then just starts to walk away, then we have to chase after her. She has bad knees, but when she wants to go, she goes.

We are in the process of getting my Mom into a nursing home that seems to be really nice, and I think she will like. It just seems to be taking forever to get all the paperwork done.I love her, but it is not fair to her or me when I start losing my patience.

Wow! It's Sunday, and I'm thinking about moving out of the guest house I've been living in, for the past 8 months, to be close to and provide care for my critically ill Mother. Living steps away has been almost nightmarish. My Mom believed my moving close by, while being employed full-time, meant that all of my "free time" would be devoted to sitting with her and being at her beck & call for what remained of 24/7. "The kitchen is closed, and this isn't the Ritz" is 110% correct! I don't even like to cook. What my Mom wants is to live in is an assisted living community, where she can be social and be served 5 meals a day. But, she refuses to move from home. My Mom is a super negative, non-stop talker. And so I am also where you are - cringing at spending time with her - begging her to "please be quiet for a while". And I say this promising one and all - I am a GOOD person. Like you, I have siblings (3 Brothers), and I'm caring the full load. After taking off 3 vacation days to be with Mom at the hospital for her COPD, on the drive home from the hospital she asks "when will you be paying your rent". My Mom has means, and she lives in a house that was paid for 20 years ago. Yet, I find myself buying her groceries and dog food, and pay for all of the utilities at the cottage, which I helped clean up after her renter of 10 years left it in a real mess. In fact, I upgraded her property by moving in. This could've been a "win-win" situation. Unfortunately, after this past weekend in the hospital and with my Mom talking non-stop/angry, which is only exacerbated by the steriods she is taking - I've gotta get out of here. I'm 51, single with no children; a successful professional. My angry, controlling 78 year old Mother is stressing me out. She NEVER relaxes and appreciates anything. She only says "thank you" when she feels she is forced to, and her thanks is extended as if someone's putting a hot poker to her backside. Anyway.....glad to see the posts of others! I could have written them. Thanks for letting me vent. I slept all day Saturday and late this morning from exhaustion. My Mother told me, when I went over to have coffee with her and check on her - "you're not tired b/c of anything you did for me." I just put my cup of coffee up and left. Today will be all about me. I can't live here anymore. Oh...and my Mother definitely has an undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. A former beauty queen who loved being fawned over, but never had meaningful romantic relationships. High school represented her glory days. Two horrible marriages, too. And it's everyone else's fault but her own. Anyway...thank you for reading. I cried (alone) for about an hour yesterday - feeling the stress and being exhausted Since my Step-Father died 2.5 years ago of liver cancer; my Mom has gotten more and more intolerable. Oh, and l almost failed to mention how my Mom makes up outright lies about how I abandon her on a daily basis. If I didn't catch her at it and set people straight with the truth, I told my Brothers I wouldn't be surprised to find the police at my door for elder abuse. She'll say and do anything for sympathy and a willing ear. Anyway, I wanted to do the right thing for my Mother; but that's a job for somebody else. I'm going to have to move. Thanks for reading!

I just can't tell all of you how much I appreciate everything you guys put out there in Words. When I can finally get the time to figure out how to do this website right that would be fantastic until then
Neon,
you are an amazing person I think we have the same mother.
You all have earned your wings♡

I cant believe i am here! I always loved caring for the elderly. Then my mother moved in my home. She took o ver my kitchen and has a fit when i do the laundry. Its not my home any more. She and my sister always excluded me. I was usually told to leave the kitchen and that i was a lousy housekeeper. I moved far away so i could love them from a far. She is extremely sweet so everyone so thinks it must be great. However she critiques me so i feel ten years old and incompetent. She waits on my husband hand and foot. He has even asked her not too. She is a fall risk and has to begiven showers. If she had money i would have her in an alf but we don t. Shes trapped here and so am i. I am a horrible daughter. I want time alone and she is a clinger, wont go anywhere without me. The worst part is when my anxiety peaks she laughs and makes jokes. This drives me crazy and then the guilt sets in. Im on anti anxiety but i may start drinking.

I am a horrible daughter. If my mom or i had money, she would not be here with me. I would visit her all the time or get her a full time caRegiver. My issue is no money. She is ruining my sanity. 😱

Nina, it is the thing about living with mothers. No matter how old you are, they are still the boss of you. At least they think they are. Since you guys are stuck together until you can find some way free, maybe you can learn ways to take back some of your power. It makes us feel like terrible daughters when we do, but it makes us feel like crazy (and angry) daughters if they don't.

I think someone needs to write books on how to be a better care receiver. I see a lot of books on caregiving, but nada on care receiving. Some people can be very hard to help. We need to have a book for them to read so they can learn to not drive their kids crazy if they stay with them. My number 1 rule for care receiving parents would be to give the caregiver plenty of time and space for themselves. Just because you live together doesn't mean you have to be together all the time. Each person could still have their own life.

Jesse, You have an excellent idea there, a care-receiver's book.
Who is going to read them the book though?

The ones I care about have made everything ten times harder by resisting help;
not being able to ask for help; and not being forthcoming with any facts needed to help them. Then, it is a crisis. Or, you could call it a circus!

Nina, You are most likely NOT a horrible daughter or you wouldn't be posting here, worried about it, or seeking a solution. Hang on!