Hi All,
I'm glad I found this site!!! I've read some of the postings and (WOW)you start to wonder if things will ever get better. My mom is driving me crazy. I find I spend less and less time trying to have a conversation with her...it's too much work! And then I think to myself when she's gone that chance will be gone forever, so I try, it's very hard but I'm trying. I finally joined a local support group in my area...it's the best thing I've ever done. I have four siblings but I'm carrying the full load. I'm her primary caregiver, which I say she treats me one step above a slave...I don't even smile around her anymore, just taking one order after another. I find myself telling her the kitchen's closed! This isn't the Ritz! I will go to my second caregiver meeting on Tuesday...I can't wait! I need to breath, I need to be around other people. I seem to dream about just having one day to myself, one day to do absolutely nothing!
If you have taken this load upon you, then you must carry it. As long as you look at your Mother as an extra wheel, you will never really find any "space". The brother and his wife, if they are nearby, should take her out to dinner or bring her over for a visit. You have to put yourself in your Mom's shoes, she is scared now, it sounds like, and she worries about you as well. I don't mean to sound condescending, but it looks like you need to adjust YOUR lifestyle to the "new" one you have now. It will probably change the way your Mom is acting if you involve her in everything. My Mom swears and yells and will not cooperate to do anything, I WISH, I could involve her in things without an argument.
I have included her in absolutely everything but it has gotten to the point where if I say she cannot go she keeps asking which makes me feel guilty - for example, I had to go out of town for a job interview for the day - quite stressful for me having to travel and spend the whole day presenting myself to lots of people... - and she insisted on going with me. I didn't take her - but came back to find out that that was when bro and sis-in-law stopped by to ask for money - they knew I had the interview and wouldn't be there... Funny that they always have enough time for that!
Emerald4me - I have a friend whose Dad - before they got him in a nursing home - lived by himself. He refused to leave his house and he was a horder, too. My friend and her siblings put in some cameras - with his knowledge - in the kitchen, living room, dining room... (not the bedroom or bath) so that they could check in on him throughout the day on their computers (most of his children live out of town) to make sure he was doing alright and still taking care of himself. Someone was hired to stay with him a couple of hours a day - make meals etc. The cameras were also there to make sure the helpers did what they were supposed to - as they had had difficulties in the past with helpers not showing up or not doing any work. The helpers were also informed about the cameras.
Since you are the primary caregiver for your Mom, you should sit her down and tell her you should be added to her bank accounts, it will make things go easier when you have to pay for meds, doctor appointments, etc. And keep receipts for EVERYTHING, and keep them organized in a file cabinet for future reference.
My sisters should and WILL be ashamed of themselves sooner or later.
As far as taking time for you-even joing a support group, or juist taking some ME TIME -in my opinion this is a very wise thought on your part. You also have the people here in this forum to vent to as well.
I know it is easier said than done...but DO NOT let your Mom's behavior towards you drive you crazy...try to be Good to yourself. We are or have been is a similar situation.
Good luck to you!
Hap
Well, I'm glad I'm not alone - in having useless siblings - but I'm saddened that I'm not the only one. My Mom is for the most part easy going and I'm glad she is with me - I love her dearly and the only way I will put her in a nursing home is if I can no longer physically take care of her. That being said - I even need to take an 8 hour break from MYSELF every night. How do we get it across to siblings (in my case just one) that we aren't asking for a great time commitment but only perhaps a weekend or week here or there? Asking nicely, begging, or demanding has all had the same result - nada, zilch, nichts, nothing... On top of it is breaking Mom's heart because my bro and his wife have very little to do with her - even after everything she has done for them...
Ibarro, How did your parent(s) adjust to the adult day care?
As for siblings, I don't beg anymore. Most of the time I don't even call them. Once you stop trying to get them to participate, you will have less stress. I try not to think about their lack of help anymore and I have less stress. Now I just have to get my husband to realize that it's useless to stress out over what the sibling do or don't do to help me!
Do what you need to do to get some down time. Hire home help if you can. Maybe if they see the money going to strangers, they'll think twice about helping. Good luck!