My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

Hello all! I have so enjoyed your posts. I am in a similar situation as my mother lives with my husband and I and we are newlyweds. Keep in mind that I am an only child, as I was a later in life baby, and that my mother is a diabetic and utterly anti-social and so she lives with me; having an elderly parent while still in your twenties is utterly challenging. This would not be such an issue if she were perhaps, dare I say, normal? My current living situation. My mother has various health issues and other than assisted living, she is best kept here with me. I work from home online, take graduate studies online, run a crafting business, and take care of my mother full time. I am house-bound and trapped. Sure, I can leave, but never alone. My mother is like the grand inquisitor, and the older she becomes the angrier I become with her actions. She feels I am disrespectful, but she simply drives me crazy. I live in a very small town where my husband grew up and lives, and resources either clinical, secular, or otherwise do not exist. I feel trapped and wish I could regain the loving trust and relationship we once had. :(

My mother gets upset if I talk on the phone, watch tv, be on the computer, step outside for any reason, basically do anything except to be with her and cater to her. I cant even remember that last time I got to eat a meal without having to reheat it at least twice because there's always something she wants or needs. She refuses to go anywhere! Be it a relatives house, hair dresser, the optomitrist so that she can get her old broken glasses replace or anywhere else.. the answer is always no and she will actually work her self up into believing that shes too sick to go anywhere. She will not call anyone, but will talk to people if they call her. She refuses to go to any of the activities at the senior center. When its necessary for her to go out because she has a doctors appointment, you can bank on her having a HUGE meltdown. It starts from the minute she is informed of it, be it the day before or the day of. I am the queen of quicky showers because it never fails, whether it be 2am or 2pm, she'll either need to go to the bathroom or needs me for something else.

Its like my sole purpose for existence anymore is exclusively for her. Its been like this for so long that I lost myself a long time ago. I feel so depressed, lonely and am constantly filled with anxiety. I would absolutely love even one weekend alone with my husband (I love him so much and its been so long since we've had any quality of time together).. and it could happen because my kids would love for her to come and visit.. but like everything else.. all she does is say no and thats it. She wont budge.

I do have siblings, but my sister is a total deadbeat when it comes to anything to do with my mother and my brother might show up now and then.. but being that he "cant take it" those times are far and few between and for only a very short time when he does appear. Its been 8 years, and they havent been easy by any means.

I love her dearly and feel blessed that I'm providing her with the best quality of life possible for her... but at the same time I greatly miss "me" and "my" life.

Gosh I don't know where to start ... I know what I should be doing for myself to keep healthy and I try it for a couple of days than too warn out to put out any effort ... Moved in w/parents after Dad suffered a stroke and became too exhausting for Mother to bear ... She was crying and depressed and so without thinking it out clearly I made the move from real beauty to absolute hell. My parents have always been extremely generous and dominating throughout life and I simply just gave in to this latest venture. Now three years later, looking horrible and feeling worse and have no passion for anything ... I simply hope I die early. I know it's not hopeless but I don't have the energy to consistantly help myself-
ATALOSS

Folks, I am in the same position as all of you. However, no matter how awful it gets you must take care of yourself also. Take extra vitamins. Try and get as much rest as you possibly can. Try and keep yourself looking like you did before this new chapter of your life started or at least in good order. It helps if you have some semblance of what your old life was like. And the vitamins and rest are a must. Also, I have noticed that there are stages. Some good days, some horribly awful, some just a little bad and then some ok. You hope and pray for the ok ones and learn to cope with the others. Not easy for me to say this and not easy for you to read this, but what else can we do but cope. And if we convince ourselves that we must cope and that life must go on, then it will. If we give in to those awfully horribly feelings, they will only drag us down further. And remember, our loved ones still need our help and if we go down, so do they. So what I'm trying to say is we must take care of ourselves physically and perhaps by doing this, mentally we may be able to cope a little better. Well, that's at least what I'm telling myself this month.

I'm so glad I found this site. I certainly sypathize with your situation because I'm going through a lot with my 81 year old mother too. I'm an only child which makes it worse and ever since my father died 25 years ago, my mother has been living my life, going everywhere with me, doing everything I do, buying everything I buy and smothering me beyond belief. You should see our wardrobes - almost identical because when we go shopping, she'll buy the exact thing I do. Nearly 2 years ago, she had back surgery and it injured the nerves in her leg and now has to rely on a walker and lost her ability to drive. Since then, my life has been a living hell. I've tried everything to help her regain some of her mobility - ordered a scooter for her to get around town, but she sent it back, she didn't want it. I've looked into senior day care to get her out of the house and socializing with others, but she wants nothing to do with it and goes into hysterics when I mention it. She is extremely depressed and cries a lot, so I took her to the doctor who prescirbed antidepressants. She took one and refused to take anymore claiming they made her sick.

My mother was never a sociable person, wrapping her life around me and now that she can't get out of her house and wants me there 24/7. I hired a housekeeper to help her with household chores which she resents since she thinks I should do it. I'm married and my husband and I are recently retired and enjoy our time together after raising two kids. But my mother resents anyone, including my husband and my daughter-in-law who takes me away from her. She still insists on going everywhere I go, but it's difficult to take her anywhere, especially in the winter. She's already fallen and broken a hip, but it doesn't matter to her. Anytime I go anywhere, she wants to go with me. I feel I don't have a life anymore, she is sucking the life out of me. Everything is doom and gloom with her, her cup is always half-empty. She is not sick, she does not have a disease, she is in otherwise good shape, but she can't accept the fact that she's getting older and her body is giving out.

I have her to my house every weekend for dinner, and Thursdays I take her shopping and out to eat, but it's never enough. I do her laundry, her grocery shopping, and take her to all her doctor's appointments and hair appointments every week.. But just because I need time for myself and my husband, I'm a horrible daughter who doesn't do enough or spend enough time with her. That's what she tells everyone. She has become so bitter and angry at the world and takes it out on me. I'm at my wits end and even had to go to counseling to help me cope with the stress and I'm on nerve medication. I'm doing all the right things my therapist told me to do - set and keep boundaries, take care of myself and refuse to make me feel guilty, but still I'm under so much stress, I can't take it. My mother is on a sinking ship and I refuse to let her take me down with her, but it's so hard to keep her from doing that. What else can I do? I just cope the best way I can.

Coming here makes me know I'm not alone. We really can help one another.

Linda,

I've been there so many times and have used the same phrases to describe my situation. At one time I considered jumping off a bridge literally because my mother wouldn't shut up in the car while we were crossing.

I'm told the problem never goes away until they die. But it did get better in my case where I worked with boundaries all the time. Also my mother aged and it became difficult for her to get out. Now she only wants to go to the grocery store which exhausts her. I rejoice when she is too tired to carry on.

My mother got bitter when I wouldn't do everything she wanted and found a con man, a disbarred lawyer who lives up the street and preys on old people. She tends to use and abuse him like she did to me. My sister says they deserve each other. Two cons working together.

Some people are just difficult and age makes them worse because they become more and more isolated and can't spread their hatred of life around like they used to. So they have to zero in on whomever is available.

I wish I had the magic bullet. But sorry I don't. The only thing I can say is practice boundaries all the time. It is the only thing that protects you since you can't run from these people.

hi all.. im a 53 year old man . taking care of my 90 year old mom. its been almost 5 years now. and its getting worse by the day. i just dont know what to say. but its nice to read all your stories and know that im not the only one like this.

A place to vent...exactly what I need before I lose it with my mother!! In July 2010, my mother fell and broke her ankle, had to have surgery to put pins in, spent time in rehab, and now lives with my family. Prior to moving in with us, and as long as I can remember, my mother was not the cleanest person in the world. Washing her clothes and taking baths were not her top priority. So prior to moving in with me, I informed her she must take baths on a daily basis and work on her cleanliness habits. It has been a battle!!!! She suffers from minor dimentia which adds to my issues with her. When I ask her to take a bath, she says I already did, (I know she did not cause I have to monitor her baths). Then it ends up in a shouting match and she ends up taking a bath. While I end up being very frustrated and angry wanting to distance myself as far away from her as possible. She has gotten into the habit of picking scabs and is bleeding all over her sheets. She won't stop!! She goes to adult daycare during the day while I go to work M-F. She usually gets home about the same time I do. She stays home on Saturdays and Sundays which brings me to further frustration. I work all week and then if I want to go away without her on Saturday morning, she gets mad and starts making comments, "You'll be glad when I die!" etc. All this does is cause me to feel guilty for leaving her, but when she is with me in the car, I just want to get away from her. Then I feel guilty again cause she is 81 and her days may be numbered. So then I struggle with me being selfish, as she picks her skin til it bleeds and I just want to scream at her!!! I love my mother, but I need a break!!

Where do I begin, my husband and I moved in with his mother 2 years ago. It was ok at first, then she and her son started arguing. She is always manipulating everyone wh had to completely remodel her house which her daughter destroyed. She put my husband as power of attorney 2 years ago. Also, bequethed the house to him. She's always wan ting to go to the lawyer when they fight.The other day she called his son and was trying to get he and his girlfriend to move in. This is one of her manuvers.causing trouble with my husband and his son. my husband told her he coulndt take it anymore so now she is cocky.last week she was crying and going to a nursing home. I get up everyday blood sugar check eye drops all day. breakfast lunch dinner snacks conversation as much as I can .not really too much to talk about. she is in a wheel chair because she will not try to walk. she always want people to feel sorry for her. when that doesnt work. she is the boss and this is my house routine. I try to get her out to get her hair cut and lunch. she got jealous today because I left to get a haircut. I asked her last night to let me know when she wanted to go last night. she wouldnt give me an answer.she is ridiculous. I dont care about this house shes always giving it to someone if they goo goo all over her. I cant take her manipulation.

Hey everyone! Just got off the phone with Jen. She is fine, just a bit down. I told her you all were worried about her. We talked for an hour or so, and I told her I would call her again soon.
Okay, I'm exhausted and heading to bed. Will catch up tomorrow!

I'm glad I found this site. It is such a relief to hear that I am not alone. My mom lives with my husband, kids and I. My dad died 4yrs ago and my mom moved in with us. I think my situation may only differ slightly in that 11 yrs ago my mom had a brain aneurysm. As a result she was told she is unable to work but to meet here you would never guess she had an aneurysm. You may think she repeats herself a lot but that would be about it. I have such guilt most of the time because she only goes out when I take her or once in awhile her friend will come by. She helps out in the house with laundry and dishes and tells me how she is greatful to help she wouldn"t know where she'd be without us, ect. That is all fine but then some days I talk with the wrong tone of voice and she gets all sensitive saying stuff like "I was only asking". When we are really angry with each other I get to here about how she lot everything. And while that may be true it's not like my life didn't change
it's always about how horrible everything turned out for her and how she is now such a burden (she can't drive either) and this is something I here about very often "If I had a car and my license......" The list goes on and on and I am tired og living with the guilt. She really is a caring person and nurturing, but also selfish I guess ( it hurts me to say that because it feels disrespectful, she is my mom after all) It is hard to try and explain everything without making her sound like a terrible person. She's not. I'm just very frustrated with the questions and the repetion and the self pity when she is on a bad mood. It was hard on my marriage for the first couple of years and sometimes I feel very cheated that I do have the burden of my mom when all I want is to raise my children and be with my husband. So it is nice to know I am not alone and nice to vent to someone that understands my situation

Neon, our mom's have to be related - I swear you are telling my story & I have got to find a support group before I have a nervous breakdown!!!!! Mom's latest stunt involves her yelling at me and screaming that I'm a bitch and all I ever do is bitch. All because I asked her to stop locking me out of the house. Mom thinks she should be catered to 24/7 and i hide from her at all costs. This is wrong because it's my home! If I try and watch a tv show in the living room she will come and join me - which is fine, except all she does is whistle, she whistles all the time - non stop. If she isn't whistling then she starts talking about something goofy and could care less if I'm trying to watch a movie. But if you ask her to stop whistling or be quite she goes ape shit. So unless my hubby is home (who she won't bother) I have to stay in my room and watch tv or take my food to eat or read. I have to take care of everything for mom because she honestly doesn't have any sense & never has. She would (and has in the past) live like a hoarder if I'd let her. She lies and only hears what she wants. But don't be thinking this woman would ever miss a Sunday at church so she can get attention and pity.

She also drives herself to the senior center every single day of the week - which is fine but it is clear she shouldn't be driving. She is a menious to society! She recently had cataracts removed & corrective lenses put in so she did pass her vision test and re-newed her drivers license. That was a big mistake on my part! I should have made them give her a drivers test. But I don't want to have to listen to her bitch about not being able to drive & have to drive her everyday. She has had 2 wrecks in the past 6 months. The first wreck she failed to yield right of way & the officer had to make her sit in her car because she was screaming and acting like a crazy person (which she is). The damage to her car was bad enough that eventually we had to park it and let her drive my Chrysler (which I loved) it was in pristine condition and low mileage - but she wants a brand new car & doesn't understand why she can't have one. After my dad died she said she thought she'd at least get a new car out of the deal. She doesn't even need to be driving much less need a new car. Well now she has wrecked the Chrysler and has also screwed up all the dials on the dash and broke the automatic seat switch. We don't know who's fault the latest fender bender was but the other drivers insurance is paying to fix the damages. It happened in a parking lot and he clipped the back bumper - He said he never saw her - which could be true because she wasn't even wearing her glasses and could have pulled up while he was turning. My sweet hubby fixed the tail lights so she could go ahead and drive it until the body shop can fix the other damage. I just don't know what to do. Hubby wants to fix her old Caddie and put her back in it & I think that's a good idea. Except I know she is going to have another wreck - its just a matter of time!!!!! About 6 years ago she ran through a stop sign and took out the whole side of a house. Luckily no one got hurt.

I work long hours and also have to take care of every thing else she needs. I take her to every doctor appt, I pay all the bills, and I clean up all her messes she leaves on a daily basis around the house. If I don't lock my bedroom doors she helps herself to whatever she wants - my perfume, clothes, whatever & if I say anything she will either lie or start screaming about what a bitch I am.

I am letting her make me a nervous wreck - she won't listen to reason and only remembers what she wants. Do you think Medicare will pay for a nursing home for someone who is crazy?

I cannot imagine allowing anyone in this condition drive. You must have awfully deep pockets and awesome insurance to take care of any lawsuits should she injure or God forbid, kill anyone. Every family in your city is at risk with this woman on the road. Her doctor should be contacted for a letter to have her license revoked. Or better yet, destroy her cars and just live with the idea you have made the streets safer for all the children and their parents she may come in contact with.

GodsGirl, PLEASE, do everything possible to get her off the road and keep her off! It is just a matter of time before she kills someone - please do not aid and abet in any way. If the house is yours, then why don't you get her out? You might read the post by Survived2 - she succeeded in doing just that and saved her family and everyone's sanity. If you have to evict, then do so. There is no where in the Bible where it says that ANYONE has the "right" to abuse ANYONE else. We have no such responsibility to our parents, despite what they may try to claim.

Talk to her doctor. He can help. That is how we got my Mom off the road before she hurt someone. Was not an easy thing to do as it was all my fault and on and on. The doctor can file something with the DMV to deny her driving privilege if she does not comply. Do not let her on the road! An old woman, just the other day, hit the gas instead of the break and the car went through an office window and killed the woman sitting at her desk. Bam...just like that. It needs to be done.

Hi Everyone,
I just found this site and I can really relate to you all. My life has been centered around my 86 year old. mother. She has been living with me for over 20 years and my husband. My husband passed away 3 years ago and iI have a boyfrined now. she is so jealous of my boyfriend or any friend I want to spend time with. She loves to start arguments and say nasty things . I have found myself distancing away from her adn when I stay around her she just starts complaining about anything she can think of . I want to enjoy her company . I need to figure out waht to do. I dno't want to send her to a nursing home and yet I don't want to live lkie this anymore. I need more options.Tahnk you for letting me vent .

I don't know what to do anymore. I have lost my temper my mind is next. I have been caring for my mother for two years now...my mother has Parkinsons and she doesn't ever want to do anything. I feel as if I am her MAID/SLAVE I never in a million years would have thought I would feel this way. I am ANGRY all the time I cannot even function properly anymore @ work around my husband and child nothing. I can't even enjoy a day off because if I even step out of the house she starts blowing up my phone. I organize her pills DAILY and she messes them up on purpose. I don't GET IT. I don't know what to do anymore I feel like I am going into a depression and a really hateful stage in my life because I cannot stand it any more. I AM LOST....I have to find sanity again somehow.

I am 51 and live with my blind mother who is 71. She lost her eyesight when she was 30, she was never able to cope with her blindness because she refused to get help. To make matters worse she was very difficult before losing her eyesight. My father left her for another very young woman this only added to her growing problems. My father came back into the picture a few years ago but he had a new relationship, this drover her insane. She goes to a senior center three times a week but she has trouble making friends in this place because of her attitude. She is terrified of being alone, meaning I can't even take a shower or use the bathroom without her following me. I spend 7 days , 24 hours a day with her, I can't even go to the movies or for a walk by myself she even uses a bucket to urinate at night because she is afraid to go out of the room. My brother and my sister can deal with her for more than an hour before going crazy. I spoke to her doctor, but he said this is normal behavior for an eldery person. She refuses medication for depression and told the doctor she is happy. She made me look like a total idiot in front of him. She is always calling my father at his house to tell him how unhappy she is. My father is planning to leave for his country in Central America in July. This is making matters worse because she is always hopping she might win him back. I am losing my mind myself, I am now depress and feel hopeless, sometimes I which I move out and never see her again. I need to find a support group to help me cope with these feelings.

@ godsgirl,
"acting like a crazy person (which she is").
thats a factual statement. my mothers haldol is bout worn off, end of month. shes been blubbering and argueing all day long. we just fussed for 1-1/2 hrs about how i could set the house temperature where i want and shed just get an extra blanket and freeze. suddenly she clarified to me that it was hot in here. its like i took a wide circle and punched myself in the face. * sigh *
you could put me in a lineup with charlie manson right now and he would look more lucid than i am.

the last comments i see on here are dated 2009..and this is 2013...so what's up with that?

oh, ok, now i see more current ones. My 94 year old dad fell and broke his hip about 10 days ago. After hip replacment surgery and a week stay in the hospital, he's now in a SNF. but he's delirious and forgets where he is and begs us to come get him and take him home. It's heartbreaking. My mom is 90 and has dementia and is a control freak--and nasty. I am doing ALL the work around my dad's situation and that means I'm his full-time social worker. But my mother had the nerve to yell at me tonight! I feel like saying 'go to hell, I quit!' meanwhile my brother is far away and not doing a god-damn thing...because of sexism the females are always expected to do the care-giving. He acts like his life is more important than mine. I have had to put everything on hold to deal with all this. I"m burned out and fed up!

Hello Jazzy I can relate to your post I wear all the hats in the house and I do this all by my self for 10 years! My mom is 95 and in health wise she is ok but she will asked me to make a dr. appt and then will not go so I have to cancel and she will not go to her day center any more that was my day to relax and do something for me only!!!!!!. I do understand that she is tired of the center but....I am trying to keep her as active as I can. She just wants to stay home and watch her programs (tv) I am thinking about getting some respite for a weekend or a week she is not going to like that! Respite is short term stay at a nursing home. I dont know I to talk to her but that is not easy. One day at a time .....God bless Purplerain

Because apparently its a thread that relates to everyone and they keep them and do not remove them after time.

Please, someone give me feedback. I want to love my 92 yr old mom but its hard.
She's beyond annoying...and she always was. She's putting me in a bad spot of feeling guilty because when she's sick or lying sleeping I feel bad. But as soon as she's lucid and talking I feel like strangling her.

what day is it? Thursday? I thought it was Monday. Its Sunday? Oh I thought it was Friday. What? What is my relation to you? Where did you go ( in that 2 mins ) ? Bathroom. When are we eating? Are you hungry? No Why did you bring me so much? I can't eat all that. I have no bottom teeth. see. I fell. Where's your walker? Over there. I can't hear this goddam program. Where's your hearing aides. Over there. I can't see the tv. Where's your glasses. Oh you've found your old ones that don't work. Great! Why is it so cold. Ma, its 80 out. And you think thats warm enough? What are you doing in my drawer? Did you take my change? Wheres your mother. You are my mother. Where's daddy. Who's daddy? My daddy. Dead for 30 yrs. You didn't tell me that. I don't remember that.
Its gonna be another fun weekend.

Oh crazysusan1...I can relate...they called it crazy making!!! Want to scream??? I did and I did! In my car where I could really let it go...felt much better. I know..".too hot...too cold. Oh I have a prescription to pick up and I need it tonight"...I just got home from work where I could have picked all of this up on my way home...yep..yep..yep..I know. Just another crazy day. Feel for ya gal! Hugs!!!

And to make it even crazier -- at the end of the day when we say we're tired, they say why? you haven't been doing anything. Scream!

I have been given the task of putting my 85 year old mom into a seniors home. I have siblings who, over the years, have been much closer to her. They have finally had enough. She is the same if not worse, than the life we spent with her growing up. Friends used to say "Lets go over to **** house. The old lady is always good for a laugh!" This was my teenage years - having peers come over to have a laugh at my mom and the way she acted. As an adult, she decided other siblings were "more accommodating" because I wanted a healthier life for my children. I spent many years in which I was isolated from my family (their choice). Now I am given the task of finding her a home to spend her last days in, along with the control of siblings, even thought they don't want to help. She was abusive and controlling. Now I am feeling so many feelings I don't like and can't help feeling. She is my mother and the some of the others still try to control the situation. I keep telling them I am not going to be involved with this anymore and they keep harassing me. It is hard to finally exit from the situation

My mother has dementia and the only thing we fight about constantly is her calling me at work 28-30 times a day. I have the entire load myself, my brother is invisible. I have found myself screaming at her and even once I told her I hated her. I feel like the worst daughter in the world. I never smile, I'm always tired and I find that I enjoy nothing. I do not believe in nursing homes and babysitters for the elderly cost a fortune. Sometimes I feel as if I'm in hell.

I'm not trying to mock anyone, because I've been there with my dad having dementia and my mom just flat out narcissistic which in itself is a whole new set of issues on top of already challenging ones, but one thing my hubby and I discovered with my dad especially was to just play along and it was a game for my hubby and I how to come up with creative new answers or how long we could take repeating the same answer. My dad's favorite question was "What's up?" I would say things like, the sky, the ceiling, my pants, etc and dad would just giggle turn away and forget again and ask again. Or if we were trying to keep him occupied by reading the paper, he only thought he was reading, but he'd flip pages and look at pictures and say he was done and put down the paper. My husband knew I needed to keep him occupied so he would say, "Hey Gus, I brought you the paper. There's something interesting in there you may relate to." Dad would spend a little time doing the same thing, set it down and the routine would start all over when my husband would try another tact. He kept my father busy for about an hour. It was kind of comical in a way. LOL

I had people tell me how cruel I was when I changed the clocks ahead two hours because when friends who were watching him got him all out of his routine, dad was MISERABLE. He knew his routine from a lifetime of it that if he got deviated, even with dementia, he was a bear. So to avoid that, I moved clocks forward 2.5 hours so he thought it was one time and would get back into his routine. Did that for about a week to get him back on track. I had to change the clocks when he was in the bathroom cleaning his teeth (over an hour routine since he'd forget he brushed and flossed), so I had time to hit all the clocks or remove batteries. What was more amazing was to watch his confusion between his internal clock and the actual clock. By God that man knew the actual time even though the clock was wrong. I was floored!!! But I did get it to work to put him back on schedule.

You do what you have to in order to survive the situation you are in. Don't feel guilty for what you have to do to keep your sanity, even if that means screwing with your loved one to keep you laughing. Sanity is vital!!!