My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

OOOOHHHH!!!! Relief isn't coming fast enough! I'm still waiting for the vouchers so my help hasn't arrived yet! I really feel bad...but if I didn't know that help was on the way I would have to put her in a home. We spent about 5 hours in the ER yesterday. It's amazing how after spending a few hours in the hospital her symptoms seems to disapear or if she sees my 5 year old niece she seems to recover quickly. I think there's a few things going on--I think she's lonely, depressed and don't want to admit it!!! I talked to her social worker and told her that she's fighting me, she won't go to Adult Day Care. So my Social Worker asked her if she would go to the Senior Health Care (same thing) and she said yes! God bless Social Workers!!!

Thanks Neon!

My prayer are with you!

-Jazzy

Hey Jazzy thats the jazziest, congrats. I am glad there are places that will help people out. Yeah my mom is the same way complaining is her main source of well pick something. I do to I just nod my head and keep on going. Sometimes it is still hard especially if you don't feel well to hear someone go on and on about every person in her life that did this or that to her or how she never got whatever you know theres a cure for that, get off your ass and get a job. Well she can't now but she could have I even got a part time job for her years ago lets see she was hmmm 59 or 60 but her legs wouldn't be able to stand for four hours AWW I worked for a florist until five years ago and I'm 60 and before that 25 years as a waitress which I absolutely loved but when I couldn't lift all those heavy columns and throw them in the truck and set up weddings and stuff because of my body I went back to office work which I was trained for initially but found boring and taught myself the job I have now I am an IT coordinator and theres a lot of new stuff in my head and never a dull moment. But this is about you and again Hurray I am so happy for you Jazzy.

Neon

Hey Neon,

Great...I'm glad to hear that you don't have a problem with putting your mom in a nursing home, there is no sense in taking everyone else down! And it's great you didn't let your circumstances of your childhood hinder you! I love success stories!!!My mom just complains and complains, I just let it roll off now. It wasn't so easy in the beginning! Now I just look at her and smile and walk away.

Some good news...I was awarded a grant through my local Redwood Caregiver Resource Center. Which means they will send someone to my place whenever I need help or just to get away and go to the movies, glass of wine with friends, a daytrip, or whatever I decide I want to do!!! "Oh happy day"

Thanks to God!
-Trish

Well, its not so much if you try to keep it at bay. I've always had a lot on my plate some days I handle it better than others. She will not go out for anything that is fun, My father could never get her to go anywhere, when we were kids Dad would take us to the shore or picnics and she would never go????? I keep busy I am always doing something, crocheting afghans for the kids in India, mentoring a child, going to church, she won't do that either. Church suppers, cards on friday nights, trying to get a exercise class started with some friends, a few laughs and a tighten up that flab a little, play computer games, ofcourse, cook, clean and laundry so there is always something to keep me out of site. You know that when its done I hear Oh I was going to do that, but its best if I do that way I won't be disappointed yet another time. I am the type of person I have always had hope in situations but in this situation it isn't going to change so I don't set myself up anymore. I thank you for your prayers Trish, I will not feel guilty putting her in the nursing home I work for the healthcare system and the nursing home is just a 3 min walk from my office. I know everyone over there so that will not be a problem its just a matter of time. If your mom needs the extra care do it with dignity and love and it will be okay. We all have to die its how we do it that matters. I want to do it in a loving way to my son and perhaps my husband I don't want to be arrogant and all about me. I have always been ready to do what is necessary for all of them and am not going to change now. I came from the poor side of town but I now have a little bit of class and that makes a person feel better about themselves I think. my brother and sister and I had to grow up real fast and we have all made something of ourselves we did not let our situation be our handicap. I am proud of all three of us. I am hanging trying to hang loose these days it helps. and this site helps. thanks again and good luck in your decision I also will be praying for you and all the others on this site. Please mention everyone by name to God neon

Hey Neon,

You have alot on your plate...my mom isn't mobile! Sometimes I'm not sure if I should count my blessings?! I believe it would be better if you had separate living quarters from your mom. What about the church can they help you out? Take her on daytrips or for the weekend so you can regain you sanity? I feel for you...it's tough! I'm also trying to avoid the nursing facility for my mom, but I feel I need to give it about six months.

Keep venting on this site so everyone can support you, okay! I'll say a prayer for you.

Hang in there!

-Trish

What a gal you are, Neon! Brave, compassionate and smart. I'm glad you can vent, have people to call on, and are coming here to help us all.
Carol

Well, I suggested after dad died she take something for depression because actually she's always been a depressed person and I said this while in her doctors office, he agreed and wrote her a prescription she got it filled threw it away and said there was nothing wrong with her mind! I have suggested she talk to someone she said there is nothing wrong with her mind and got really ticked off. I do take something for depression I have dealt with depression since I was 13. It does help a great deal. She had a nice affordable apartment but did not like it because they came around every three months for inspection and it was for bugs and repairs and stuff like that she thought they were spying on her to see how clean she was and she isn't but she did keep the place nice. Actually it was the nicest place she had ever lived in. Than she came up with the story that the woman next door was having a band playing every night and men over now the woman next door at that time was 87 years old with alzheimers and she did have a lot of people over there her daughters and grand children. My mother is deaf she can't even hear me talk to her three feet away I have to repeat everything three to five times, I have even bought a white board but she doesn't get that either. or doesn't want to I should say, If she was incapable of doing things I would put her in a nursing home in a heart beat. Its these little games she plays, she has always played them I do not feel comfortable putting her in a nursing home and there are no other alternatives. I have kept my schedule and am doing things to keep busy and keeping my house in order. She wants to control me and I refuse thats the bottom line, She had a little tantrum Christmas eve and I told her she could go to her room it was my house, she was not spoiling my christmas and if she didn't like who was coming those were her options. When they got there she was all goodness and light, when my friends from church stop in she's all good ness and light than tells me my problem is I have too many friends. We just don't mesh. That is why I am distancing myself. She is perfectly capable of doing lots of things, I've seen it with my own two eyes, its just what she selects to do. So you see there is no where else she can live she just wants the room and the tv and to be left alone unless she wants you to do something. I can live with that But I don't have to like it. She doesn't need a caregiver yet as soon as she does she will go to a nursing home. My sister understands she helps me even tho she lives in another state, she lets me vent and you guys let me vent that helps I have a funny sense of humor and use it whenever it is appropriate, I go out on fri nights and play cards with friends and I am a productive citizen I am considering talking to a psychologist where I work but the money is also a factor a person just can't have everything perfect which I've known for 55 years so I appreciate your input but that is the situation I do have people to talk to that understand I just thought I would vent this morning to let others know there are more of us in this situation than we know. I will keep your sound advice close to me but please do know as soon as she needs care she will be moved to a nursing home. I have no problem with that she is so lucky to be able to have her health at her age 82 and she doesn't even know it, but than again she has never known what she had at any age enough to appreciate anyway. ttfn neon

If you can't find a caregiver group, maybe you can find a CoDa (codependents group) or even Al-Anon, because these people will confirm your efforts to distance yourself and detach from her issues. At least you'd have "company" that understands.

Please keep coming back here, as many here understand, too. I hope you can figure out different living arrangements. This is not healthy for you at all. You also may want to talk with your doctor. It's possible that your mother and/or you have clinical depression, for which there is help. But obviously, this is a lifelong issue and living together just makes it that much worse. The best answer would be separate living quarters. I hope you can find some help to do this.

Carol

I wish there was something like that around here!! I live in a dinky little town. my mother is driving me crazy, she breaks everything, she never was the sharpest knife in the drawer but she's even worse now. She has broken the microwave, now the electric can opener is bent beyond repair unless my husband can fix it when he gets home he is on the road alot. Last night I was crocheting a afghan for the children in India, our ladies at church are meeting on Tuesdays and making quilts and blankets for the children and I can't attend because I work. so thought I could do that little bit and she tells me its good to keep my hands busy this coming from a person who wouldn't know a days work if it hit her in the face!! I am thankful for all of you it is good to know I am not alone. I am just distancing myself further away from her. She sits there last night goes into the kitchen warms herself a bowl of something God knows what and walks like a trucker than comes in the family room, sniffles and chows down, doesn't ask me if I am hungry or would like something she is so selfish it makes me want to puke. I really don't like her and that is so sad. But its always been this way its all about her and how she has suffered and how she hasn't had and how well you get the picture When we were kids we did our parents work and I am dead serious so of course all we know is work we could have said the hell with it but we saw what they were and we didn't want any parts of it. So don't sit there and tell me what I should do when you don't even know what to do I swear she is going to out live me and that sucks. She has allergies, but she says oh its a cold, I am drinking tea with honey to work it out of me. Well hells bells you work it out everyday, my father said she was like a goose and he was right eat and shit thats all she does. And if I have to hear one more night of Casey Anthony (poor girl) her opinion not mine I am going to get the shot gun out and blow up every tv in the house. I am thankful I go to church tonight I stay away as much as possible. Try to surround myself with people who are up beat, but there is one in my dept that thinks she knows everything to and is very critical of the tiniest thing so have been keeping my door shut. Where do these people come from? I'm betting on Mars!! I hope you all have a good day. neon

Thanks lindam,

I went to the caregiver support meeting today...I feel great!!! It's so good to be around people that's going through simular circumstances. We laughed alot and some venting of course. I asked the group if they would like to meet at a Cafe next time and they said Oh Yessss! Getting involved in the Caregiver support group is turning out to be the best thing ever!!!

jazzy1

Glad you are here. This will be an added bonus to your meetings. When you wrote about not smiling, that sounded like me a few months ago. I smile for ME now. It makes me feel better. I feel lighter inside. My outside circumstances haven't changed, but my attitude had improved.
So keep on posting and let everyone know how you are.