Follow
Share

His sister who is presently living in their mother's home feels he should be changing Mom's 'briefs' when he is there in his sister's absence, My husband would prefer to preserve his mother's dignity...He is not at all comfortable with doing this. But, his sister is...difficult.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

81 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2 3
Well she shouldn't be left very long in wet or soiled Depends, so someone has to do it. If your DH is unwilling (and that's OK, not everyone is cut out for that level of caregiving) then perhaps the family needs to discuss hiring someone to come in to give his sister her respite time rather than relying on the current arrangement.
(14)
Report
I do not see that there is any difference between a daughter changing her father and a son changing his mother. The same with a parent changing a child of either gender.

I do not see how leaving his Mum in a wet or poopy depends is preserving her dignity.

I draw the line at changing either of my parents, but if I was faced with a messy depend and there was no one else to do the job, I could not leave them sitting in a mess. I would change them. We are not at this point with either parent yet.
(6)
Report
He needs to stop thinking of her as his mother while he does it, and just do the job. 'Preserving dignity' sounds like an attempt at a reason that sounds OK for getting out of an unpleasant job that no-one would want. Heavens, I don't feel 'comfortable' about changing my grandson's nappy. But it isn't actually about feeling comfortable, is it?
(13)
Report
I do not believe your husband should be forced into doing that, if he is uncomfortable with it because it is his mom.
If We were taking care of my DH Mom, I would take care of that for him. As I help my Mom, but would never ask him to assist her with personal things.
As he took care of helping My Dad and his uncle with personal things like that. I take care of the womens'
personal needs and he takes care of the mens' personal needs. That is our agreement.

Truly If I had children , I would not want my son doing those things for me. I wouldn't want my daughter to neither, but if I had to choose I would prefer the help of my daughter. Assuming I had the option.
(3)
Report
Something needs to be arranged so hubby does not have to do this. That was my line in the sand when I would no longer provide care for my mom. I just would not be able to do so. And that is ok. Some can and some cannot. It does not say anything other than that is a boundary that has developed. Time for other living arrangements.

You cannot tell someone how or what to think.
(11)
Report
I agree, Glad; I drew the same line, and will surely hold to it. I never had children; so though I can shovel horse stalls and clean cat boxes like it's nothing; dealing with the same in people literally makes me gag - I just won't. Time to hire someone who has grace to do that kind of work. It also embarrasses me, so I believe the OP's feelings are legitimate and should be accepted if there can be someone else to do the deed. As for the sister, good on her if she can do it....
(12)
Report
Yes he should. There are times when everyone has to pitch in. Her dignity is better preserved by being in a clean Depend. Not everyone can afford extra help.
(6)
Report
You don’t say how long he is in charge of his Mom when Sis is away. An hour? 8 hours? 24 hours? If we knew how long he’s in charge, our answer may change. In the NH the residents are changed 4 times a day routine, plus anytime there’s an obvious issue. Does he agree that she can’t be left in a soiled depend very long? How long is that acceptable to him? To Sis? Then the question is “if not him, then who?”
(7)
Report
My blunt view: so what if he's uncomfortable? Leaving his mother in soiled Depends is not providing her with dignity. Frankly, he's thinking of himself and HIS comfort and dignity. Stop thinking about it and just do it.

Granted, I'm a woman who took care of her mother. When the first day came to clean her bottom, I had to make myself think what I was going to was not undignified (for Mom or me), I just did it. With disposable gloves, toilet paper, disposable wipes, and me projecting a matter-of-fact air, it only took a minute. Mom didn't seem one bit embarrassed and neither was I.

When it was over I thought, "Well, that wasn't so bad at all."
(8)
Report
Me, leave the men to the men and the women to the women.

My opinion, maybe its time for a nursing home.
(12)
Report
TG my Dad pasted before my Mom. I already told my brothers I would not care for Dad if he survived Mom.
(3)
Report
I have two sons and would never want them to change my Depends. Never under ANY circumstance... There is only so much a person can do to provide "care" and when it comes to personal hygiene, I believe it is time for skilled nursing, assisted living or some alternative method of caring for her. I am sure his mother is embarrassed. I do not equate changing her Depends with preserving her dignity. Much better for someone who is not emotionally connected to do the changing. As far as parents taking care of children or grandchildren's poopy diapers when they were young, the children did not have a choice in the matter. Grown up adults have a choice. They may not like the choice, but it is totally different taking care of a parent and I don't think parents should expect their children to change their Depends. Not the same in my opinion.
(14)
Report
His sister may need the help. Although, he wants to preserve her dignity, he needs to assist as a caregiver in his sister absence. We all have issues with visualize where we came from physically but I hope he finds the love in his heart to participate in her last years on earth because every little moment counts. When his mom changed his dirty diaper or badged a bloody knee or broken bone, she did so because of her love for him. Imagine if his mother would have left him in the dirty diaper for days. Grit your teeth and bear it. Mom deserves the help.  If Mom vehemently objects to your husband changing her diaper, then hire a nurses aide, caregiver or as a great daughter-in-law you can do it. Otherwise, the problem is not mom dignity but your husband's pride. (Just an opinion)
(13)
Report
She took care of him while he was growning up, guess he needs to get with the program step up to the plate. My opinion, sorry if it offends you.
(5)
Report
In an emergency sure, but as ongoing routine, seems if there are other options
why not go that route? I personally find it uncomfortable to do so for my father
although he doesn't seem to mind. I would never want my son to have to do that
if I had any other possible option.
(4)
Report
Does she qualify for in home care?
(1)
Report
If you want to be a caregiver, just do it and of course with dignity. God will bless.
(3)
Report
where is the "dignity" sitting on one's own poop and getting a urinary tract infection. In fact, knowingly allowing one's own parent to fester in their own excrement can be considered elder neglect. He SHOULD learn how to do care in case his sister gets sick or simply needs a break. Your husband sounds like he will delegate the job to you anyway. so maybe you should learn instead.
(11)
Report
It is time for a Caregiver to come, Medicare will pay for "Skilled Nursing" to have someone come up there and care for Mom at least three days a week. Check with her doctor. Either that, it is time to put her in a nursing facility.
(6)
Report
Comes a time when you do what you have to do.
(14)
Report
Dignity is defined as the state or quality of being worthy of respect. When my sister was dying, my elderly mother spent a lot of time agonizing that my sister's extreme disability had caused her to "lose her dignity" It made me angry. Everyone- her husband, her sisters, her friends- were caring for her physical needs because she HAD dignity. She didn't lose it by accepting the care. It was a physical reminder of how much she was loved and respected.

Caring for my sister as she died was an honor.
(13)
Report
How is this his sister being "difficult?" No consideration for her sounds like. Since you are so worried about your husband's feelings why don't you step-up and take his place? Seriously, I have to wonder if this is about preserving dignity or just laziness or him not wanting to do his share of the "icky" part of caring for mom. The sister currently doing the care must be worn out. These things can be handled with dignity. No one likes these tasks, but it often seems one or two people in the family are the ones left to do them because others "just can't handle it." Throwing the BS flag on this one.
(12)
Report
Time to think about the consequences. In an otherwise healthy body, sitting in a soiled diaper, if it only happens on rare occasion, can cause a urinary infection (and yes, that can happen in an hour or less). If detected and treated quickly, that may be nearly 'no harm.'

But in a frail, elderly body -- with papery skin and poor circulation -- even an hour in a wet diaper can cause skin breakdown, an early-stage bedsore. Sometimes these don't heal, become infected, get progressively worse. They are ghastly painful and can lead to a whole-body infection.

I'm inclined to agree with the commenters who say 'some folks just can't do diapers of adults' ... but if he can't, then there needs to be a provision for someone to be there who can. And the right answer isn't to insist that the sister stay home 24/7 -- she deserves a life and may have many other obligations and needs.

Bottom line: husband needs to be taught how, and become willing to do it. Or someone needs to be hired for those times. But letting an elder get infections and sores is not an option.
(11)
Report
If he is acting caretaker then yes. He will find after he has done it a couple of times the discomfort he feels will stop. It will be caring for his mother whom he loves and it is for her comfort.
(6)
Report
He can either PAY someone to come help with this or he will have to step up to help with this task. Honestly, after doing it a couple of times, you just look at it as a task that must be completed and you learn to mentally detach yourself from it. Wearing gloves, a mask, an old shirt, etc. helps. Have all the necessary tools, wastebasket, etc. available before starting.
(8)
Report
Doesn't it depend on what the mother wants? Does she still have her mental faculties? If so, perhaps not.
(0)
Report
Quite simply, just do it or hire someone to do it.
It's very important to change briefs in a timely manner so there's no chance of breakdown (elder's skin becomes thin; breakdowns in the skin are possible when sitting in a wet brief).
I (female) never thought I'd be changing my dad's briefs and cleaning his privates, yet I am.
Just doing what's required....
(10)
Report
Heck, no one likes doing this. HE needs to make other arrangements for when this happens on his watch. Arrangements that don’t include leaving it for his over-stressed sister to deal with when she returns.
(11)
Report
This sounds like rationization. When it comes to elder care, as with child care, there is no option of “drawing the line.” That is REALLY self-indulgent.

This man seems to be thinking not at all about dignity, except his own, and the wife is supporting this self-centeredness. Triangulating about his mother’s dignity does not get the job done. How does it respect his SISTER to assign her the poopy jobs?
No one has to be talked into liking this essential task. Who on earth would like it?! Of course the sister is “difficult” — might it be that she finds his lame excuse annoying, and the wife’s support of ber husband annoying, too?
The sister seems to know that the situation is not one that can accommodate his inclinations & sensibilities. Poop is not a respecter of feelings.
(12)
Report
What is your husband doing now when he's there? Leaving his mother in soiled/wet briefs?
(3)
Report
1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter