His sister who is presently living in their mother's home feels he should be changing Mom's 'briefs' when he is there in his sister's absence, My husband would prefer to preserve his mother's dignity...He is not at all comfortable with doing this. But, his sister is...difficult.
This could be me in your shoes....Only, it is my 3 brothers who are involved, not my husband. Mom lives with me. The time has come for bathroom assistance for my mother. She cannot manage by herself. Despite the fact that each of my brothers would do anything I ask of them to help with mom, the bathroom stuff is not on that list. They have made it clear, they are not comfortable, nor do they think that mom would be either. They asked her. She said, a loud NO. She does not want the boys in the bathroom with her. We have aides, but, it still poses a problem when we go out and one of my brothers stays with mom. So, consequently, they can't, and they don't. I think that personality plays a BIG role in this, not only what is best for mom. Yes, I believe she should be comfortable, and so should the caregiver. Thus, the dilemma. HELP. Me too.
In our household Grandma is being changed by myself, my husband, our 20 year old daughter (who is now a CNA), and my 17 year old daughter. If my husband and I are away the girls help. Now my son is the only one that I DON'T expect to do this, I feel that is way to awkward.
Since women usually end up being the caregivers (I know; not always), it seems like women more often have to change their fathers' Depends.
So it's sexist to expect that men shouldn't have to change their mothers' Depends.
And it's often just a copout. Curious...so if Mama feels uncomfortable with her son changing her, she feels comfortable with dumping more on her daughter?
A wet diaper wouldn't be too bad but having to clean #2 smeared all over the skin and in crevices would be a challenge.
Is there a reason that, during your husband's visit, that he (or the family) couldn't hire a home health aide to attend to his mother's diapering needs?
Is his mother alert, bedridden, demented? I would think it would be easier to clean her if mom was mentally out of it than if she was thinking clearly and aware of what he was doing.
Clearly, his sister needs a break. It isn't right that he would make her do 24/7 duty because he won't change her diaper. She deserves some free time also.
None of us wants to clean our parents but we need to find alternatives if we are unable to do the job.
I can see how your husband feels but as one person said, it is the same as changing a child's diaper. This mom of his surely changed his diaper. It would help if he assumed a professional/clinical attitude when he was doing it. Don't be thinking "this is my mom", but rather "I'm a nurse doing a job". Having done work in the medical field, I've seen lots of private parts. Having a clinical attitude makes see that very different then seeing it is another context. He could always hire a caregiver to be there to do it. His sister need to have breaks. Sister may be "difficult", but she is doing what percentage of the care? 80%, 90%, 99%? Please consider expressing your appreciation for her work. Unless you do it, you have no idea how hard it is.