Update on Can I Sue The Nursing Home For Killing My Mother.
In December, about the 18th, I posted a discussion about suing the nursing home for killing my mother. Well, since then we tried to get several attorneys, everyone seemed like they wanted a $5.000.00 fee because they where not sure wether they could win or not. Then my brother had a serious discussion with me; he said that our mom would not want us to sue anybody. I was very angry with the nurses and doctors that I felt took my moms life to soon. Well, the long and short was there was never a law suit because my brother convinced me that they did everything they could, even-though some aspects of that I would have to strongly disagree with, but I did get some grief counseling with my sister and it helped tremendously. I had a serious problem because my grief had me going to a place where I truly wanted to see some people not living anymore, yes, I mean the nursing home staff and some of the doctors, but I worked through all of that, I had to go to some pretty intense therapy sessions before I just had to let that go and just be at peace with the fact that my mom was no longer in pain with that brain tumor. It was called a Gleioblastoma one of the most aggressive tumors that there are. I am however writing a book called "The Dangers of Hospitals and Nursing Homes" to make people more aware of thigs like what are they really getting themselves into, and stuff like about how they are going to become the "Enemy Number One" if they are there most of the time to watch out for their loved ones, and exposing what the care in a nursing home is really like. I am doing this post pandemic, and I will mention that in the preface of my book. I want it to get into the hands of people that have put their loved on into a nursing home or, had to do it because they had no other choice. I am going to sell it, send it to talk shows, news stations, etc... etc... etc... I want everyone to know the kind of crap they will pull if they can get away with it. For example, there where Nurses Aids that would literally hide from us when we needed to get their help. There was an inspection from the nursing homes higher ups and they where literally told to avoid the inspectors if the came their way. They told them to go the other way. I got charged for co-pays after my mothers death that they where not suppose to charge after her death. When a person dies they are no longer responsible for any bill that that loved one had, there was a guy stealing out of the nursing home patients funds that the family's put in for the patients so they had some money for themselves, he invested it in football tickets and sold it to other people at a huge markup. He got arrested and killed himself in jail. I didn't get to take them to court but I am going to expose them to the public so they cant hurt anybody else.
However, you make some very serious accusations; you better make sure you document (and document, and document to the nth degree) what you write in your book, as you could be facing your own countersuit for libel.
I'm serious, very serious. If you do find a publisher, I'm sure libelous action will be explained to you. You may end up publishing the book entirely on your own, out of your funds.
The fact that no attorney would be involved in a negligence suit is a very good warning to you to be cautious. The $5K retainer fee is most likely done to discourage you. Other than notoriously publicity seeking attorneys, I doubt any medmal attorney would take this case. Sorry, but that's just my opinion from having worked for medmal firms years ago.
You experienced a sad thing in the loss of your mom. Glioblastoma is a horrible, painful cancer that can take a life in weeks, if not months. There are not many 'happy endings' to that particular cancer.
You are obviously still deeply grieving--as you say you see people when you go to therapy that you'd like to see people 'dead'--that's not terribly forgiving and comes across very hostile, still. You will not get far with your book/legal case if you come across like that.
However--
If you want to write, so you can feel some sense of catharsis, that's up to you. I imagine you will have a hard time selling something of this nature. Slander and Libel and 2 attorney favorites and you kind of hit on both.
I agree, some NH's are nightmares. Nobody would deny that. Did your mom receive the best care possible? We'll never know. But--she would have died of the cancer no matter what you did.
Attorneys will charge a fortune, trust me. My son is one and sometimes I am absolutely appalled at the fees he charges. But he is a great attorney and will tell a client if he will represent them and how much it will cost--upfront. $5K is just for the initial consult and discovery. You could easily be charged $50K if this goes any farther, and the hospital/ NH has attorneys, too. Likely, much more.
Personally, I would spend more time in therapy and less in trying to place blame. I'm sorry for your loss--but I bet your mother would want you to come to terms with this and move on.
An attorney would take the case without a fee if they felt there was a strong case. Their payment would generally be 40% of what a recovery would render.
Your mother had a very serious form of cancer. I understand you are grief stricken but from all you describe I don't know that a lawsuit would be a productive time of costs and time for the parties involved. I hope time brings you some peace and an outlet for you to heal that you yourself create which should make you proud and perhaps consider it as a tribute to the memory of your mother.
I will offer full support of your book and gladly add to it. I will tell you - I learned a lot from the CNA’s that helped care for my mom and a few other amazing individuals but I mostly saw horrific care not only for my mom but by gosh all the people around her “who had nobody as their voice” - I felt sick for the people who did not have loved ones to watch over them. I saw and heard negligence - I often felt like I was witnessing stuff in a third world country. I’m ashamed of the care provided in my country. You can guarantee that somewhere right now someone or an elder is suffering neglect in a NH or SNF or even a well known hospital.
I am sure some of what you feel is grief but I believe you on witnessing neglectful care. I was with my mom most all times and she still had bruised eggs on her head from someone clearly trying to change her in the middle of the night alone and smashing her head into the railing (because she was dead weight in the beginning after her stroke and a 2 person assist) I also witnessed her fully aspirated with peg tube food all inside her oxygen mask because I had to be the one to tell them “step one turn the feeding tube off before lying her flat to wash her up” (I learned this in ICU but clearly it was never taught to anyone after that). I had to write it and tape it all over the bed rails - hanging behind the bed etc so before they would press the button to lay flat they would see my sign and this was from hospital to acute care to rehab SNF - 95% of the time I had to say “shut of the food so she doesn’t aspirate”.
If your loved ones level of care is higher then they should never be left alone. The medications given without reading “allergies” - or wrong meds given out - my heart really feels your pain - as I don’t doubt for one minute what you went through.
I do want you to know that your mother knew you watched over her - she knew you did everything you could and she without a doubt is at peace now and so proud of you and probably wouldn’t want you to pursue law suits etc. she truly would want you to live and have a good life.
If you are doing something to help find better ways to protect ill or elders and it becomes a passion that you feel you can help someone else or another family or be a change in this horrible system then I fully support you. Just let it come from something good - let it be when you are fully ready and have healed from your grief - do it when you can put your heart in it and feel goodness from it. Don’t let it steal anymore from you - when the time is right - it will feel as if you have a new journey to help others and that’s when you pick up the pen and start writing your heart out 💕.
To both you and MomHeal, it's really sad to read of all abuses, but you do have recourse through Ombusdmen/women, and they're in a position to address the issues on a broader level, w/o subjecting themselves to libel.
Or, you could search online for monitoring and oversight groups (professionally managed), work with them, and identify specific remedies for specific issues.
I will grant that the pandemic may have contributed to negligent care since families couldn't visit as often. That's no excuse for the facilities though, but it could also offer a defense for them, as well as the fact that their own staffs were compromised, and it was challenging to find people to work given the potential of becoming infected.
There definitely is room for improvement. I saw that during our first experience with a rehab center. But we took action and called for a meeting to discuss further care, whether it was in that rehab center or elsewhere. And we got results.
Pray for your mother. God made the decision about her death. Do what she would want you to do.
You may not know, but many hospitals and NHs have each other's back, in fact many NH doctors also are on staff at the hospital as well. They will always stick up for each other to protect their best interests (this from hospital system ranked 2nd best in the US)
I felt like you when mom died, but realized that she was in a better place reunited with her dear brother and dad, and not have to deal with so many lousy people anymore; that bought peace as well as ironically 2 of the places she was at closed down for good within months of each other.
Blessings to You
Your mother died of a cancer than has a 5% survival rate after five years. It is, in essence, unsurvivable, and eventually you will die of it. That's the biggest thing you need to absorb right now, and then the therapy will help get you back on track to stop obsessing about something you cannot fix or change.
Use your writing as a journal, not as something you plan to publish, because as others have said, you risk serious legal repercussions. The attorneys you contacted should have flat-out said you do not have a case, because as was mentioned above, they take these cases on contingency, not with up-front fees. Know, too, that even if you did get an attorney to take a case, you are responsible for all the expenses of that case, including filing fees, depositions, expert witnesses, copies, and just about anything else they decide to throw at this. In short, you'll be out tens of thousands of dollars, and you will likely win nothing. You'll also have to pay the attorney's fees for the other side.
My condolences over the loss of your mom.
The first time we took an ambulance from my home I told the EMTs how we ended up at home and they knew all too well of the SNF/rehab/nursing home I took mom out of (she was there for stroke rehab) - they too have reported it as he said “they are called there weekly and usually by people visiting who find the people in need - not by staff” and they report it ombudsman a lot. It does happen - I am in Palm Beach County Florida - we have a very large elder population. It was saddening what I saw.
Many times the neglect and mishaps are from these places needing more staff to patient ratio. Overworked - burned out and not enough support to care for that many patients.
Nursing homes and hospitals are not all bad places. You may have had a bad experience. But that’s not the general rule.
December 2017 almost 4 years ago. It was so so long ago, it was back when JeanneGibbs was still active on this site. ((Miss her!))) Rovana, Garden, Vegas, MidKid, Barb, Freqflyer, even Stacey, did wonderful thoughtful detailed lengthy posts to you in 2017-2018.
whatever issues you had unresolved from your mothers death from Glioblastoma (5% survival rate) back in 2017 have only gotten more intense. For the sake of yourself & your family, get back into therapy.
Also you mention “Genesis”.
If it was a Genesis NH that your mom was in, they no longer exist. Genesis (Welltower) had 500+ facilities. They sold off units to regional private equity groups and have totally delisted. Imo it wasn’t done because care was subpar at Genesis but done because there’s more $ to be made spinning off buildings under regional REiTS. It’s the industry trend. If your mom was at a Genesis facility, if you had done proper research, you would know this. It’s one of the reasons why any solid law firm, isn’t interested in representing you as she died over 3 years ago in a facility whose corporate parent no longer exists.
Find a new therapist & get the solace you need to lead a better life.
As much as she 'may' have wanted you to pursue some kind of vendetta--it's going to eat you up, emotionally.
Glioblastoma is what took your mother's life. Period. EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has gone through the medical system has had bad and good experiences. That's just life. Being this angry for, what. 4+ years can not be healthy for you.
And as far as 'cloaking' people's identities by misspellings or changing location, etc is not going to fool anyone.
Frankly, unless you self publish this 'book'. I cannot imagine a publisher taking it on. Not to be rude, and I apologize if it comes across this way--but your style of writing comes across very mish-mash. I have a really hard time following your train of thought, punctuation and many misspelled words.
Again--you could easily be sued for slander and libel and fees and 'cease and desist' orders could derail you completely, and that will just add to your anger.
Life is too short to carry the heavy burden of hatred and desire for revenge, please let this go and get back into therapy.
If therapy had truly 'healed you'. You would no longer be carrying this huge burden of anger.
I plan to self publish, it is going to be an e-book, I will hire someone to proof read it on a site that I can hire someone for that. I will sell it on all sites where you can sell an e-book for $1.95 just so people will buy it. I may even sell it for $1.00. I want as many people to know the honorer that we went through. Maybe, just maybe, it will make people think. And maybe it will make them investigate before they put their loved one into one of these places. And think Hmm! Maybe hiring someone outside the home like a "PCA" to take care of their loved one will be better care for them and a better choice.
Read the shrink-wrap agreements you have to sign to use your e-mail as well as other sites. Indemnifications used to be specific to site and use, but I've seen some that are so broad they're ridiculous. Some web hosts are bending over backward to create opportunities to excuse themselves of liability.
The hospital she went to for years, has recently received not so favorable reviews, ditto with the NH near the hospital she was at.
I hope you can find peace and let it go. Your mom would not want this anger to overtake your life.
Blessings.
Thank you, thank you very much.