My mother-in-law. She has three kids, my husband (the oldest - we live on an adjacent piece of land as her but about a half mile away and out of sight), her daughter (her DPOA and the one with a good business head lives in the same town), and her youngest son (who is a hothead, but he and his wife live next to my MIL on her property and help care for the property). In total, we have 8 grown children, most of whom live close by. In other words, she has a solid, somewhat functional base of family support.
My 78-year-old MIL has been a hoarder for 30 years or more, but when her husband was alive, he was able to keep it in check although it caused a lot of conflict. Since he passed away 7 years ago, the property and her showcase home have gone to ruin. My BIL does what he can, but if he encroaches too much on her stuff, she threatens to throw him off the property. She suffers from fibromyalgia, which she uses to her advantage whenever someone tries to confront her about her problems. She has also had numerous neck and back surgeries, but she doesn't follow medical advice and so winds up doing more damage than she had before surgeries. She got an incision site infection due to the filth of her home. She was in the hospital for about a month, during which time my husband and my SIL (to leave my BIL out of it because she couldn't blame him and throw him out) cleaned out her house and hauled away 6 dump trucks full of mostly trash (half eaten meals and fast food trash everywhere) and broken stuff. She was furious and demanded they bring it back, which - of course - was impossible. Her dogs poop and pee everywhere in the house and she doesn't clean it up. She leaves her adult diapers all over the floor. Her countertops are stacked high with dirty dishes. We've tried to bring in help for her but she fires them on the first day and when we told her she couldn't fire them, she made their time so miserable they refused to go back. At this time, our nephew (37 years old) stays with her every day and cleans up after her and the dogs and cleans the house as best he can. When he shows up the next day, she has managed to re-trash the house. We have all refused to go to her house for holidays after the last time, when she decorated the festive dining table with dead birds she had collected from her yard. She has fallen for numerous scams and manages open credit card accounts behind my SIL's back so she can give money away to lowlifes. We asked her not to drive, so when she came to visit us, she drove across property in her Mercedes - through woods and across a creek. We only make that drive in our 4WD vehicles! Her memory is IMO starting to fail as well (I've seen it happen in my ALZ mother).
None of us cares if she leaves us anything, but we are worried she is going to run out of money before she dies, or that she is going to wind up giving away the property out from under herself. Managing her affairs is almost a full time job for my SIL, and even so, MIL actively seeks ways around her. Her judgment is horrible and she refuses to believe that she needs help, or - for that matter - that the squalor is unhealthy for her. She solidly believes the bottom feeders that hang on her rather than us, her family that loves her.
At what point would a judge look at the situation and declare that she is incompetent? It feels like we should surely be there, but we realize we probably have only one chance at this without alienating her entirely, so we want to do it right.
if you stop enabling her.
"Her dogs poop and pee everywhere in the house and she doesn't clean it up. She leaves her adult diapers all over the floor. Her countertops are stacked high with dirty dishes."
Often, animal control is the last resort to call for enforcement of the animal's health & safety. They can remove the animals.
"She got an incision site infection due to the filth of her home. She was in the hospital for about a month."
" when she decorated the festive dining table with dead birds she had collected from her yard."
Please stop using your 37 y.o. nephew to enable her to continue in this toxic dysfunction. You might not be able to improve her situation much, but save your nephew by sending him away. He should have a real job, his own place, his own life.
Imo only, no one needs "lowlife's" in their life unless there is a drug or alcohol problem. Your nephew is either A. another needy addict exploiting and enabling her; or B. a victim of narcissistic abuse with PTSD and failure to thrive, sacrificed by his parents and family to servitude of a very ill person.
OR, there could be some other reason?
Harsh, way harsh, I know. But think about it. Just because it has happened to others, just because I have said it, does not make it true for your situation. Does it?
I think you should call APS to perform a wellness check on MIL. Once they see the squalid living conditions from hoarding, she'll likely be placed accordingly. It may be easier that way than you trying to get her declared incompetent due to dementia. Let someone else be The Bad Guy.
However you go about this, best of luck.
That's about all I can think of, other than stepping in and simply doing it and getting it done, alienation or not. Without reports from APS and fire department and sheriff office I doubt that a judge will step in. This is a mental disorder, not dementia, and they do not step in in the instances of mental disorders that I have witnessed.
Perhaps SIL should resign her DPOA, and let the state take guardianship.
Unfortunately, we don't have any animal oversight because we don't live in city limits and most Texas counties don't have animal services. However, I do think we need to call APS. That's such a big step and her kids are gonna have to make it. They are fearful that APS won't do anything, but I can't imagine why they won't. I plan to share comments here with them.
I totally agree with the comment that SIL needs to resign as DPOA. I have my own mother's DPOA (ALZ, so competency is long past). If my mom had done some of the things money-wise that my MIL has done, I'd be scared snotless about what I'm not catching. Some of the things MIL has done could reflect badly on SIL's competence as DPOA even though she has done everything in her power to do a good job.
I have my own set of issues with my mother, who is my primary concern, but seeing all these issues with my MIL makes me so thankful Mom saw the dementia coming on and handled her affairs when she was still okay and then got out of the way and let me handle her business. I guess it comes down to everybody has issues!
Anyway, thanks all for the confirmation that we are "there" now. It felt that way, but seeing other people agree gives confidence to me and I'm sure it will to everyone else (except her).
Another way ‘around’ is for SIL to seek legal advice about activating the POA, which may involve closing MIL’s personal access to money for scammers. If SIL won’t do that, I agree that her safest course is probably to get out of all responsibility.
Perhaps other posters can suggest other ways to tiptoe around this. I’m sure that my own DH would find a discrete way to disable the Mercedes, for example. Anything to help the house of cards to fall over.
I have to confess that I have considered making the APS call myself anonymously, but I want to know her kids are ready to deal with the fallout as soon as it happens - and I think they are about there. Of course, one practical concern I have about making a call is that I'm not really sure how APS would get to her house in the first place - she has an automatic gate and the house itself is well out of view of the road.
I would call everyone I could think of to get her in the right place. As far as the property I would make sure the taxes on it is paid so everyone can still live there like yourself.
YOU NEED TO DO THIS THEN SHE CAN'T GET ANYMORE CREDIT CARDS What happens when you put a freeze on your credit report?
If you suspect your personal information or identity was stolen, placing a credit freeze can help protect you from fraud. When you place a security freeze, creditors cannot access your credit report. This will keep them from approving any new credit account in your name, whether it is fraudulent or legitimate.
Prayers.
If she is considered of 'sound mind,' she can do what she wants.
You can determine based on behavior however for any legal matters, you need medical authorized document.
As you say managing her affairs is almost a full time job, I do not understand what you are asking us.
Perhaps she needs to be placed in a memory care facility.
What do you want to do? Clearly, she cannot manage her life without the care family is providing.
Someone needs to monitor and handle all finances. Period. She doesn't have the cognitive ability to do this. All other matters should (already) be set up through an attorney (property, end of life, POA, soc sec, fuduciary needs).
Gena / Touch Matters
Adult Protective Services can evaluate her for placement.
An Elder Law Attorney can provide the knowledge it takes to fund end-of-life care.
Options:
Have her PCP assign a Geriatric Case Manager to her, usually a licensed SW, they will make home visit and, go from there with further competency assessments, recommendations, or may in their assessment call transport for her to medical facilities.
2. Call APS( Adult Protective Services) and report situation. This can be done anonymously if you like. Anyone can call them. APS may make unannounced or announced home visit and, assess case needs and, can take over person's care if deemed necessary.
3. Call 911 yourself for unsafe , biological hazard, non compliant patient status in home and have her transported to ER. The family or POA can confer with medical and social services there re options. Family can refuse to have her returned home if unable to provide care. The medical staff can assess her there for competency.
Do not delay action for her well being as well as the well being of family members.
Under the pretense of making sure her home is safe (could you get nephew to bring the firemen in?), tell her this visit is going to happen. Or don't inform ahead of time, and nephew brings them over as his friends. They see the unsafe living conditions and since you clue them in ahead of time, you ask them to move forward with declaring this an unsafe living condition.
SIL continue to be DPOA? Only she can decide as Mom has appointed her. But if she chooses to continue, then she needs to step up and deal with all the concerns. Stop the spending, credit card applications, whatever. And the family has to stand firm together! Mom needs help. Why are they not giving her what she needs - which might be very different from what she wants. Please help the family to gather and make plans. The nephew is not the be all, end all, nor should he be. Please help them help this woman. Take away her car, credit cards and pets if necessary. She needs help! Good luck to all of you!
Take her to a doctors appointment tell her that in order to get her prescriptions renewed she must complete some tests... inform the doctor ahead of time what is happening. Then have the first doctor inform MIL that more tests must be performed by another doctor before prescriptions can be refilled. After she is found incompetent then you must go to court. It sounds like your family is all on the same page and talking about this is not taboo. Have a family planning meeting and get started ASAP!
The siblings need to come together and find a way to clean up your MIL’s property before the township finds out about the hoarding. Perhaps the siblings should lie to their mother and tell her that the township found out about her hoarding and they will be coming in to condemn her house so this way she might allow them to clean up her house.
Health event (fall/infection/illness)-hosptial-rehab-home (with services)-fire services.... cope or not cope until the next health event.
With each loop the person can make fresh choices. The family also can make fresh choices. How much they will or won't do. When any enabling stops, the chips fall. This can bring real change.