When the non caregiving sibling 'notices' things and comments...
I am not the care giving child, that falls on my brother for our father. I live a minimum 5 hours (including a ferry ride) away. It is a good situation, my brother lives in a major Canadian city with quick access to specialized facilities. I only visit a few times a year. I try to help with detailed paper work and other things from afar to the best of my ability. My brother also has $ and health POA, again I am ok with that. Over and over I read here how the primary caregiver is 'told' when a non caregiving sibling visits, what to do with Mum/Dad. It generally seems to create friction and resentment between the siblings. I thought I would share the point of view from the other side. Coming in after being away, I see things that my brother does not see while he is in the day to day care giving mode. So of course I mention them. I am the first to admit I am not very diplomatic, when I see that Dad's fingernails are much too long. So long that they lead to a staph infection, when he scratched his hands. Brother got dad the medical treatment he needed, but did not get his nails cut. I took care of his finger nails. Above is the most recent thing, there have been others in the past. I am not criticizing my brother, his plate is full, but sometimes when we are in the midst of something we do not notice some of the details. They may be small things, but as Dad's long nails did, can lead to life threatening problems. It had been no less than 3 months since they had been cut, likely closer to 4/5 months. He would not let me look at his toes, so I did ask my brother to get a foot care nurse into care for his feet. I guess I just want to give a quiet reminder that those of use who swoop in and criticize, care for the parent too and do not mean to denigrate the great work and sacrifice being made by the caregiver. We are just seeing things from a different perspective. No, we do not deal with the late night trips to ER, the various appointments and day to day grind. Our concern for one minor detail may seem out of proportion to the totality of the caregiver's dedication, but it comes from a place of love and caring.
I have non-live-in caregiver siblings constantly telling me: "You need to..." "You have to..." "You should...", but not one of them will say, "I will..." Example: a couple weeks ago, Mom scratched her knee like I've never seen before--a deep gouge, possibly in her sleep. Mom loves her long nails and never likes them cut. Last week when the hospice nurse recommended cutting them short I watched as Sister 1 and Niece pointed at each other to cut her nails. Yeah, I cut her nails short.
When Sisters took care of Mom and I lived out of state, they'd complain and vent but add, "It's all about Mom." I told Sisters that it's not all about Mom--Mom AND her caregivers matter equally. With no caregiver there is no Mom. I ensured Sisters were reimbursed for their expenses for Mom and her house maintenance, and had Mom pay for things that made Sisters' efforts easier (I have Mom's finance POA). They knew I had their backs and I could tell a difference in their attitudes. If there was something Sisters wanted but I didn't think it was necessary, I always said, "You're in the trenches. You have Mom's best interests at heart. I'll support you." Some of those things took me a lot of work to make happen in order to help them to help Mom.
Unfortunately, since I moved here to care for Mom, Sisters' support of me is not reciprocated. When they criticize, I don't care if it "comes from a place of love and caring". That's not helpful to this exhausted and overwhelmed caregiver. One of these days I'll scream, "Either pitch in or shut up."
Two years ago, when dad was still living relatively independently, I visited and there was a hole in Dad's sock. I could see that his toe nails were curling over the ends of his toes. I then asked Dad if I could help him, but he refused. I prepared for an appointment for him to see the local Foot Care Nurse and he went, because I had paid. I know that is the last time a professional looked at his feet.
Then I followed up with my brother to emphasize the need for professional foot care. In Canada, Foot Care Nurses are available for house calls and office visits, they will refer to a podiatrist if needed.
Caregivers who feel that family members swoop in and criticize then leave are entitled to their feelings. They are entitled to vent and seek support here. They don't have to suck it up and be grateful that the visiting sibling means well. It is OK if they complain.
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your point of view. I do understand that I am not living this on a daily basis. I do know it is a challenge for my brother who has a young family to miss work to take Dad to the hospital yet again.
If I could arrange for a foot care nurse to come every 6 weeks I would. I have tried to get Dad to agree to it, but he refuses, yes, I would pay.
My current challenge is finding a medical alert that has the 'fall' alert option that works on GPS, cell and land line in various locations. Once I find a couple options I will present them to Dad and brother for us to choose one. Likely I will pay the initial fees. Dad does have money to cover the cost, once it is all set up and running. These are the sorts of things I can do to help from afar, with Dad and brother's blessing.
I was just trying to present the other side. I appreciate everything my brother and his wife are doing. You are correct, I have no real understanding of the toll it takes on the caregiver. As I said I live a fair distance away, when I do visit, I do my best to ensure we create as little extra work as possible. I prepare meals, entertain the kids, take dad out, help with laundry etc.
I am a 24/7 caregiver and while others have loads of advice on why I shouldn't do this - NO ONE has ever offered to do the least thing. Like offering to shave DH. Do his fingernails.
GOD FORBID, no one ever offers to clean him. People think a 5 minute phone call once a week gets them off the hook!
Next visit - ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO TO LIGHTEN THE LOAD. Forgive me, but you sound mighty ungrateful for all your brother is having to do.
Do you know that every couple of hours, a 24/7 caregiver is awakened to either assist in voiding or changing the depends?!
Consider this your wakeup call - what would you do if your brother became incapacitated from his caregiving "chores?"
My other in town relatives are also very good at telling me.. 'You need to...", "You should...". It is always something I need to do and never something they noticed and are willing to step up and do something themselves or offer assistance in any way.
Just a thank you, a card, any form of appreciation or acknowledgement would go a very long way for a sibling who is stuck with caregiving. An offer for actual help with no judging.. would be great.
It saddens me to read some of these replies. Would these full-time caregivers rather no one ever visited and helped out so they can be fully in charge? They usually write that they wish someone would help, but I'm wondering from some of the comments if they are enjoying the martyrdom role.
I hope your brother and dad are glad to see you come and are appreciative of your help and suggestions.
I know I never turned down or denigrated anyone's well-meaning suggestions or offers to visit, much less offers to help.
God bless you for your comments. Maybe some will have a change of heart. Jus' sayin'.
And, I agree again, it must be a positive suggestion that does not simply add to the primary caregiver's workload.
I would add, if you do have success with something don't assume it's only because you noticed it and bothered to deal with it. Similarly to the toes incident, we had a hair washing incident. My SIL disappeared with mother during one visit, and when they reappeared mother's hair was dripping wet. SIL, credit where it's due, did not crow about having noticed that mother's hair needed washing, she just looked pleased with herself; but what she didn't know, of course, was how many times mother had refused to allow me to do it.
Many and varied are the frustrations of caregiving, whether on the spot or from afar.
It's a hard, thankless job, but it's part of marriage.
- 1 - women see more than men do in the same circumstance 9 times out of 10 - we see more details & tend to be a bit more careful about cleanliness - sorry guys but that's a fact [joke: men know 12 colours but women know 500!] - generally we wash our hands more often in a day & see the wall pix on an angle earlier - this fact underlies & is responsible for about 1/3 of comedians' routines if you check it out [enjoy the much needed relaxation while you are at it]
- 2 - the constant caregiver won't see gradual change - just like you never see your own kids growing but see your nieces & nephews who live out of town grow in jumps - you also won't see your hair, nails etc change/grow because that is seen daily - we all should ask the occational visitors/out of towners to look, spot & report anything change that we can miss due to regular contact - this is important & quite frankly I ask this as a standing instruction, so when my sister sees my mom she will email me a summary of the visit with any noticable changes - FYI .. this takes the resentment away & put them into the 'team' mode
In the last years, I think they understand a bit more, and I do too. There really wasn’t much they could have done (although actually turning up on the day she was dying would have been nice), and I coped OK. I think what would have helped would have been more cards to Mum, and more thanks to me. An occasional present ‘for all you are doing’ would have smoothed over a lot of little nicks. I know that I sent a card every week to MIL in a nursing home that was difficult to visit, and it was one of ‘the nicest things’! Lots for the staff to read and talk to her about. It sometimes doesn’t take much to make a difference.