My dad is physically healthy but depressed and almost despondent about having to live his remaining years alone. He and Mom were married 68 yrs. and he says he has no purpose for living without Mom. Being isolated during Covid compounded the grief of loss.
Since she passed he he took several long trips to visit family members but it wore him out. He bought a new pick-up and travel-trailer so he could get out of the house but he discovered that he was not able to travel like he used to and it was too difficult for him. Now he's insisting that he needs to move. He doesn't want to stay in his house but he also doesn't have the desire or energy to seek out social engagement or activities that would get him out and about.
I understand the difficulty of losing a spouse. I have lost a husband. I know I have to honor his grieving time and the process he chooses. I also try to give him the dignity of making his own decisions. It concerns me though when he says he has no purpose for living, just wants to die, and is resentful when his grandchildren don't come see him as often as he thinks they should. If he needs a new environment I think he would benefit from an independent living residence that offers many activities; social opportunities such as dining, exercise, games, travel, or just being in a common room drinking coffee and reading the paper. He is a very social and active person and needs to be around people.
Does anyone have experience with an elderly loved one thriving in this environment versus staying in their own home, isolated, and wasting away?
As a gentleman, he will be like Rhett Butler with the ladies gathered around... Or if physically up to a dance, look out ladies! He may find real soul satisfying joy 🤗
She moved into independent living. She still cooks and cleans! She drives even though she shouldn’t. She has gotten a couple of speeding tickets, then tells off the cop! LOL
She complains when ‘the old’ people in her senior living facility whine! She doesn’t use a cane or a walker. She is a tiny little woman. She wears a size 4 shoe and size 4 in clothes. She is extremely stylish, no old lady clothes! 😆 LOL She attends exercise class weekly. She has a lovely heart and a wicked sense of humor that I adore. She loves eating out with friends. She attends Mass every week. She does her own shopping, and ‘helps out the old people’ by picking up items for them too.
My cousin has been a widow for a long time. Your dad sounds like he would be a good match! She doesn’t like the men in her senior community. She says that they are too slow! LOL 😂
I know that your dad misses your mom. It sounds like she was the love of his life. I am sorry that he is so sad. Everyone grieves in their own way. It sounds like you are a loving and patient daughter. I bet that he appreciates your compassion.
I hope he will become settled in a nice place where he will be satisfied. My dad died before my mom did. Daddy would have been totally lost without my mom.
Wishing you and your family all the best. Take care.
DianeZ your dad has given you a gift by saying he wants to move…most are too stubborn to move. This is a cry for help and he needs others to help him over his deep grief. Just curious if his wife had hospice at the end? If so, the hospice chaplain can stillmeet with him over grief issues. He probably needs to talk with someone but I realize men are least likely to do so.
Just an observation from being a certified home health aide for almost 30 yrs. I am now 68 years old and still doing this. It is not always a good thing for people to "stay in their homes". Why? Because too many of them then tend to isolate. I have lived with so many of them, yes.. lived with them and no one calls, no one visits so the only ones they see is.......well.... us, their paid caregiver. THIS IS NOT GOOD. I wonder if dementia is caused by people NOT using their brains so just like muscles, you don't use it, you "lose it". The same with the brain. They don't get stimulation. I see them spending time watching television and again, THIS IS NOT GOOD! We were meant to socialize. There are clients that are in facilities and go to meals, sitting at tables with others where they socialize, go to the library where they can actually talk to others, sometimes reading the newspaper and discussing it! Spend time together attending all sort of activities whether in that facility or being taken somewhere by van/bus which is sponsored by these facilities. Again... and I cannot say this too much... too many, a great majority of my patients/clients end up "being in their own home" which is terrible a great majority of the time because they don't do anything but sit there in their "favorite chair" and do nothing. I find I cannot get them to do anything. Why? I am not sure. Too much depression.. thinking about what they cannot do? They tend to... and I love to pick their brains so I do talk to them or try to but, we are NOT family. They want their family... their friends and we remind them that of their conditions.... they see they are "at the end of their lives". I don't know. Staying in your home... not the best majority of the time because their surroundings ARE familiar and what they are used to but... we need to be around people to keep active. Tons of different types of people......different personalities.. We MUST have stimulation.. OUR brains need that, require that. I recommend to at least try a facility and not for just a few weeks. Try it for several months. They make friends there. The residents do watch out for each other. Someone does NOT show up for a meal, they know it and go check on them. You cannot compare this to what happens when they are in their own home which tends to be isolation, which causes depression whether they know it or not what is going on; then lack of activity which leads to atrophy of the muscles and brain. Which leads to death.
There are services to move and set up the RV in another location and parks dedicated to seniors and/or adults if relocating the RV is the major problem. Learning to live alone is a balancing act we haven't practiced in a while. Much of our time with someone is doing things because the other person needs or desires it; without that subtle drive, it is difficult to choose or "want" to do the social things helpful to learning to live again following a death. An IL/AL is probably the correct eventual destination, but maybe your dad (and your family) would like a "road warrior" interlude first.
My father took several trips with a senior Travel Group after my mother died. He paired up with another single male traveler, and they were travel buddies for several years.
Is there a specific reason that his other children and grandkids don't visit, call or facetime him. Do they live far away or are they just not as "close" to him as he would like? What was their relationship like when your Mom was alive?
In any event, since he is a healthy social person, he might not be quite as fixated on the grandkids visits, if he had more social interaction with other people in general. If finances are not an issue, I would recommend that you research Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRCs). These facilities have a full range of living options from independent living, assisted living, memory care, through skilled nursing so one can really age in place on the same campus. They do require an fairly substantial upfront entry fee and of course the monthly rental fee (services such as medication management and assistance with dressing or bathing can be added as they become needed). The great thing about CCRCs is that the campus usually has wonderful activities and in general the dining is equal to five star restaurants. Nothing brings folks together faster than food! One of the very well established ones in NJ regularly had trips into NYC for plays and museum visits (prior to Covid) for an extra charge. Like your Dad, one of my clients had complained about the kids not visiting often prior to her move into a CCRC (we just about had to drag her there!) Within 5 months, I was getting calls from her daughter to see if I could talk to Mom about "squeezing" in a two hour visit between her golf lessons and her swimming sessions! Cracked me up! We eventually got them in for a lunch date at the facility but even then daughter called to tell me how many people came over to chat with Mom and remind her they were going to a play later.
When looking at CCRCs you want to carefully (and I mean very carefully and professionally) review the length of time they've been in business and their financial background. One such establishment in TX went belly up in 2017 and although people eventually got their entrance fee back, it took about a year. It's also been my experience that although they may not be as "flashy" (chandeliers in the entrance), the non-profit facilities seem more financially grounded. Try to find a facility that has a foundation that will take over the monthly payments after a specified period of "private pay" just in case money runs out in 4-6 years.
Good luck and peace on your journey with your Dad. I'm glad he has such a caring child. He will never find a replacement for the love of his life but he may see new vistas.
Not all places are like the one mom was in, but if we shop around, they CAN be found. I've eaten there - the food was good. Even the many soirees they had, including outdoor BBQs had good food and a huge variety of offerings. They had in house activities as well as trips people could sign up for (even some in the earlier stages of dementia could join some outings!) There was a movie area, hairdresser salon, exercise room, etc.
I compared a few places. One didn't even get a 2 second thought. One was nice, but location and price was higher even though it was shared space (They likely had private rooms, but would be even more expensive. Since I'd be the one doing all the leg work, location WAS important to me!) I avoided those CCRCs with that huge deposit, because it seems like a huge waste of money - doesn't seem like there's any benefit to that, since the monthly fee isn't reduced because of it and unless you pass or move out soon, you won't get any back.
So, anyone in the facility mom was in could transition from IL to AL to MC if needed. IF someone truly needed specialized nursing care, then yes, they would likely have to move to a NH, but would that really be any different at the CCRCs? The NH would be "on campus". but it's still a move.
The other nice thing about that place mom was in is they have an endowment, so if someone lived there a long time and ran short of funds, they could get assistance!