Advice for elderly father who doesn't want to be without dog?
My 82 year old father is declining quickly. Since my mother passed of Alzheimers 4 years ago he's been down and depressed and failed to take care of himself. He's lost a ton of weight, hardly eats, never leaves the house and sleeps most of the day. He has severe arthritis pain and neuropathy (non diabetic) in his legs and feet, so mobility is a big problem. I've got to do something for him, he's just fading away and gets worse every week.
I'd like to move him in with me, my husband and 3 teen sons. We have a big enough house to do so and the finances to do so. But dad has a small yappy dog and with COVID my husband and I and our boys are all working and doing school at home. We just don't want the dog and all the noise she makes while we're home all day! We don't mind Dad (well mostly don't mind) but the dog is a deal breaker. But it breaks Dad's heart to think of being without his dog. He's adamant about not wanting to be without her and would rather live on his own with the dog than live with us without the dog. He can barely stand up on his own he's gotten so weak. He's about in tears on the floor because of weakness and frailty, but will not budge.
Oh my goodness, what do I do with him? Advice anyone? (btw, I haven't been on this site in years, but when I was caring for my mother with Alzheimers this site was my LIFELINE!. I couldn't have made it through that time without the support from all of you I had during that time).
It is annoying. I did obedience classes when she was a puppy. Didn’t help. I paid a private trainer a fortune. Didn’t help.
My neighbor begged me to let him try. He was great with dogs but I was afraid that she would drive his family nuts! He saw working with her as a challenge. I didn’t let her stay with him for a week like he asked.
I found a collar that sprayed citronella when she barked. That helped. This was years ago. Check and see if they are still available. Google bark collar with citronella scent. The idea is to distract them while barking.
She was an escape artist. She got away. Went exploring. Someone brought her back and her collar was missing. I guess they didn’t know what it was and perhaps thought it was harming her. It wasn’t harmful.
I loved her. She was a gutsy little dog. She was very strong willed but sweet. She loved me. She was not nice to other dogs! Every time I picked her up from being groomed they said that she wanted to be the boss over the other dogs.
Dogs have their own personalities. Best wishes to you.
You can try searching for a really well recommended dog trainer (remember the best trainer in the world is going to have a difficult task trying to retrain a habit that a dog has had for many years). Perhaps there is a local dog club where Dad and dog could spend a few hours a week (some senior citizen clubs offer these but of course, it could be on hold due to the pandemic). Daycare may work for the dog but it won't help Dad. BTW, crating a yappy dog generally doesn't work-- makes them even more yappy.
Sounds like moving Dad in with you is going to be fraught with disruptions for everyone involved. Not sure if your Dad qualifies for AL (they only offer limited assistance) or can afford it but a dog friendly senior housing environment might be an option that would be good for everyone involved at this time. Should Dad ever need custodial care which would necessitate a move to a LTC facility if home medical care is not an option, it would be very unusual for the dog to live with him in that environment. Wishing you good luck and success in your efforts. Hugs to you all (even the little yapper)!
My dogs have been my best and most loving and loyal friends at times. So I’m a little biased! Even if your dad stays home or goes into a facility the dog will still need care and attention that he cannot give. Your dad has had a lot of loss, the dog is just one more loss he cannot manage right now.
Take them away and just bring me the pill that ends it all. I’m quite serious. I are about them most of all!
Is it possible this dog only becomes noisy when others are around but is quiet when it is only your dad? If dad can have his own private quarters and the dog won't be seeing anyone else throughout the day, then having dad with you might be doable.
My cousins had chihuahuas. They were the nastiest things when other people were around but quiet and devoted to their family when no one else was there.
I have had a dog or 3 most of the time since I was about 8 years old. My 17 Y/O son who is learning disabled has one of his 2 dogs at his side any time he can. His school (for learning disabled has 2 service dogs and allows kids with service dogs to bring them to school with them. I have told my son that when one of his current dogs passes we will get him a certified service dog.
To many of us dogs are an important part of life. They remind us how we should love and care for each other.
I think he should live on his own, with a dog. No offense, but with this attitude, he's finished in no time.
The yappy dog may grow on you, there's a bonding process that anyone goes thru. Chloe was Mom's dog, Dad & I took care of her and thru the dog, Mom was still with us. I think the dog also got Dad much further than he would've gotten alone. If your father's house has the space, living there and he'll be thankful that you did that for him.
BTW, the Covid thing is a variable I didn't have, well, at least I think it wasn't a variable. Since they only had a test kit for it this year, my Dad may have gotten it when he went to the ICU ? I mean they didn't know for sure what got him to that stage for an ICU admission. It was bad enough knowing the flu could've given him the Pneumonia. And elderly, that's as lethal as Covid just the same. I think anyone that can live with him as close enough would e reducing a risk exposure to Covid vs an entire family & house that presents several risk exposures.
That dog is his minor child and his immediate family in his current situation. If he already has depression issues over the loss of his wife, I cannot even begin to imagine what separation of the dog would do. Even the tone of your post is, well, odd to me.
I've reread this several times because I just can't believe it. My advice is NOT to move him in with you because this would be complete heart break for him and probably a quick decline to the grave. I cannot even begin to imagine how sad his life would be to live without his beloved pet in a house that 'mostly' doesn't mind he is there.
Get him help at his own home or find him an elderly facility type place that allows pets. Don't put him through another great loss.
It sounds like your problem with the dog is that she barks a lot. Maybe once she’s in your home with more people and activity, who can walk her and play with her, she will have more things to focus her energy on and have less reason to bark. At least she’ll be more tired, and that will keep her quieter too!
Maybe it’s because I am an animal lover—with a dog I would refuse to give up—but my mind just cannot accept that you hate animals so much that you’d abandon this one and make your father miserable just to not have her around.
It might make you feel better to have your Dad in your home do you can keep an eye on him but you would not be doing him any favors!
That furry friend of your Dad's, is probably the only thing giving him the Will to Live.
Put yourself in his shoes and think about what you're asking of him, to move out of his home and leave his loved one behind...unthinkable and just wrong.
If you won't take the dog along, don't take your Dad.
I know you already know this deep inside and pray you do the right thing.
You can always have a Caregiver drop by a couple hrs a day.
Also, stock his refrigerator and pantry with EASY stuff to eat.
Frozen things that you only have to heat in the microwave like Breakfast Biscuits with cheese, egg and meat. Waffles, Individual Instant Oatmeal packets, individual Yogurts, individual Applesauce.
Buy frozen meals to heat in microwave so he doesn't have to cook on stoves.
Soups, Chili, ect
Buy plenty of Soft Breakfast Bars and Little Debbie Snacks like Mini Brownies ect check for the ones with the most protein..
Cheese Crackers, Peanut Butter Crackers.
Keep plenty of Milk to drink and only buy the half gal if milk so it isn't so heavy.
Plenty of juice to drink individual or Quart size to make it easier to handle.
Just Think Easy as if it is a child fixing his food.
If it's not easy to fix, he won't eat.
Again....Please Don't separate your Dad from his friend and companion. You would be signing his death warrant and you would never forgive yourself.
Your Dad has already made known to you his wishes.
Let him live the rest of his life in peace, his peace not yours.
Moving in with you may not be the only answer. Can he go into assisted living with the dog. Maybe having socialization with others who are in the same stage of life as him would be comforting. He would have others to talk to who have lost a spouse and are in the Fall of their lives. Maybe a senior center that has a group that meets for coffee and walks their dogs.
I'm not sure I could handle moving in with someone who has three teenage sons. He is not used to that kind of activity at this stage. I know with covid going on, many options are not available, but you may have to think outside the box on this one. Maybe find a place where you could hire another senior to come in and visit with him for several hours each day. That might give him the incentive to pick himself up a bit and have something to look forward to. I have heard of a place called seniors helping seniors and I think they have folks you can hire to come in and visit with him and help do a few household chores as well.