89 yr old father with ALZ and Dementia. he has always been hyper-sexual (even to his own children). Always considered himself a ladies' man, Casanova type person. He has only been in this nursing home for 3 months and already 4 reports of him entering other women's rooms and kissing them. One was asleep and woke up screaming, had to to go thru DON Dept of Nursing for that one. Other times the female patients seem to think he is the boyfriend and want to kiss and visit in their rooms. Nursing home policy is to notify the families of those involved. I am worried about the female patients' families a lot. But these calls are getting tiring and stressful. The last nursing home he was off the hook with demanding mouth kisses from every female he encountered, staff and visitors and other patients. At home between nursing home, I could barely keep home health care or family visitors due to his sexual behavior. No use talking to him, explaining he can't do that; he either has forgotten, doesn't care, thinks it is wonderful, defensive, blames someone else for wanting him so much they can't keep their hands off of him reasoning...anyone else encounter this from a parent? How do you cope? Any suggestions? He is wheelchair bound. I've even thought about asking if they could just remove his wheelchair once he is in bed for the night to keep him in his own room. I'm getting worried he will soon be kicked out of this nursing home for his lecherous behavior. I'm not dealing with him cornering me again with me taking care of him, always trying to get under my shirt or demanding mouth kisses or trying to coax me into his bed...shudder. This behavior is not new, we couldn't even have friends over while growing up because of his sexual nature. the behavior has just escalated to new heights with the ALZ. Any HELP out there?
This must be a very difficult situation for you. Hopefully someone who has had a similar experience will respond to your post.
Since your father's had this issue for what sounds like most of his adult life he's not likely to change now. I think his being asked to leave the NH at some point is a very real concern.
Have you spoken to his Dr. about anti-anxiety meds? I don't think your father's behavior is related to anxiety but the meds may slow him down a bit. If it were my father I'd rather he be medicated than prowling the hallways looking for women to assault.
From one daughter to another I can appreciate how difficult and uncomfortable this must be for you and I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Many men of his generation seemed to think it was perfectly acceptable to make sexual remarks to women, and to get "handsy" sometimes. It was part of proving they were real he-men, or something. I can't tell you how many old-timers I had to push off me when I started out working as a young newspaper reporter. No matter how much I told them it wasn't acceptable, they never seemed to get the message. It was something about "the Greatest Generation" that I found particularly revolting.
Definitely move his wheelchair so he can't go creeping into women's rooms at night, like the Sheik of Araby.
As a nursing home staff myself, I do have some advices to you. The next time when you speak with the staffs who can make decisions in the nursing home, for example social worker, head nurse etc. for the safety of your father and other residents in the nursing home, you can suggest and agree the following :
a. Agree having him on a wheelchair which he could not unbuckled his safety belt, so that he would not fall again.
b. Agree having him rest in a bed after breakfast, lunch, dinner and especially at night as often as he wishes or "as needed". When he is in bed, move his wheelchair away from his bed, having the bed rail up, ELEVATE the leg part of the bed while the head part down. In doing so, you are preventing him from the risk of fall himself, and preventing him from entering the room of other female residents. To my best knowledge, such preventive actions does not legally considered restraint, while serving good purposes to ultimately everyone that is involved, your father, other residents, the families, the nursing staffs etc.
Wish my advices to you do help and peace be with you.
Considering that your dad is sitting in the chair all the time I am wondering how he can reach up to all those cute chicks he kiss' in the mouth? They must be sitting on his laps or bend down to get that kiss. So, I see that one person is blamed for all...
Yes, he probably was affectionate man all his life and now he is expressing himself in the way he always did, just not as selective. Have mercy for old guy! He is earning for respond and wants to be loved back.
Suggestion to keep him in the bed around the clock is not humane.
Yes, he needs to be checked for cancer and sure he might be bi-polar through his life... but the NH should be able to train their staff to handle this situation and not to call you every time he had kissed somebody. They charge soooooo much, that obviously can offer little more attention to your father's needs. Nope, it's not what you think! I meant to keep him busy beyond just giving meds and changing diapers. He needs activities to keep his hands and brain busy -- fording towels, sorting papers, listening music, "holding" newspapers, watching/feeding birds, playing with cat/dog, clipping coupons, "watering" flowers pots, going for a walk outside building (community volunteer?). Do they have garden grounds there?
Yes, he needs companion!
I am a former Ombudsman Supervisor, so with that in mind ...
Previous nursing facilities where your father lived will have documentation of his behavior, therefore, his present nursing home must have known about his sexual predilections before accepting him as a resident. By accepting your dad as a resident, the present facility acknowledged that they could deal with the behavior issues and have no excuse in the discharge of your father unless he is endangering another resident.
In case the facility does send a 30-day discharge notice, they must ensure he is going to a safe and healthy environment before sending him on his way, and it seems the only place to send him is home to you. Say no to this. If you do not accept him into your home, the facility cannot place him elsewhere without your (if you are Power of Attorney) permission.
Call the Ombudsman Supervisor for the facility. She works for the Aging Services Division of your state's Dept of Human Services (or whatever it's called where you live). The Ombudsman is an advocate for the residents of long term care facilities.
Suggestions: Ask the facility to assign a male CNA/nurse to your father. When a male nurse is not available, the facility should assign two female CNAs to him so they can protect each other. As for the female residents, perhaps a bell on his door (nothing too loud) might help alert the night staff that your father is up and about so they can keep a close eye on his wanderings. There should be enough staff to ensure your father receives the kind of care he needs. Although, I still think you need to talk to his doctor about his behavior.
Side note: placing a safety belt on a wheelchair is considered a restraint and against the law unless his doctor prescribes it, an authorized nurse or doctor checks on him every 30 minutes and he is released every few hours, and there is permission from your father (in his right mind) or his POA. Restraints are complicated and can be dangerous. While an Ombudsman, I found a female resident strangling when she tried to slide under the seat belt restraint to get loose.
KalaFW, you are in a difficult situation. Please let us know how things go and what was done to help you. Good luck.
Obviously, those taking care of him have to be extra-vigilant. That is their responsibility.
Your dad is not the first elderly Lothario and will not be the last. It is a problem, but it is one that can be solved or minimised by vigilant and energetic staff. Limiting his mobility is not really fair, especially an 90 years old.
Someone, a statesman, said, "Vigilance is the price of peace," or some such.
You have to admire a man his age that still gets around and is not yet done with life. Keeping a watchful eye on him to make sure his unwanted attentions do not go unchecked and do not cause problems for other clients is the responsibility of the NH.
The nursing home is in the best position to monitor his roamings without him having to be chemically sedated. Chemical interventions are more often applied to give NH staff an easier life without regard to the patient's needs.
It is not as though he were a homicidal maniac on the prowl for his next victim. Try not to let this worry you too much.
I never have a problem cleaning up my residents. Cleaning their private parts is the same as cleaning their face or hands. But more important, considering that those exact parts harbor more bacteria and should be kept in perfectly clean condition to prevent any serious complications.
By telling somebody to "put their private part away" while they are pleasing themselves, you are depriving them in one of normal and essential needs -- sexual satisfaction. I would never demand my residents "stop what they are doing", especially if they are doing it in their own private room with nobody else is presented. I would excuse myself to give them more time. Hopefully they are able to finish it... It might also help your dad to stay away from chasing and harassing "girls" on the floor.
Think about what else they have to be excited about while living in a NH???
When people become old, needy and depending on others, they are still human with all normal needs. We have to respect it and give them a chance to experience life as normal as possible: food+fluids+warmth+sexual satisfaction are all normal and necessary needs!
Reading what you have written about your father I'll go out on a limb and say that he sounds like a psychopath ... absolutely no compassion or even an understanding of why anyone would be compassionate and very narcissistic.
My mom was a sociopath which is very similar, and very sexual throughout her life and continues to be so.
She has lived with my family for a year and half and often comes onto my husband, has crawled in bed with him while he was napping etc etc etc. Kinda creepy really...but my husband handles it well and keeps her at arms length.
She would tell me about her sexual exploits in detail, gleefully from the time I was way too young, till in my 20's I finally told her she had to stop.
She is going to be entering into a nursing home (next week now) that specializes in Dementia and this behavior is normal, even with people that did not have a history, and while it is enhanced in people that have the personality like our parents, it is not uncommon.
It seems that you understand at least in part that it is your fathers mental illness at play, but just to make sure you also understand that you are not responsible for his behavior and you absolutely should not be in a position where he is abusing you again.
Under no circumstances would I ever allow him in your home again...and yes be very clear about that and the State will find a place for him should the nursing home be totally incompetent and not be able to handle the situation appropriately.
My grandfather, who was never abusive or sexual in these ways...would say some in appropriate things when he had dementia in his later years, but with him it wasn't so bad and was absolutely the dementia.
Anyhow...try not to stress too much about it and get a hold of the people others have suggested and talk to them about it so you feel secure in case it becomes a worse problem.
Again...don't let them guilt you into taking him back...that would be a worse situation.
It is often used for birth control, but is also used in treatment of men to lesson their desire.
It's extra challenging since your father has always had these types of behaviors, since dementia destroys the part of the brain that controls impulses, including sexual impulses. There's no getting that part of the brain back. And, there's no specific medication that can control these behaviors. Some may slow him down as others have mentioned. While it might not be "fair" to your father to slow him down, it's also not "fair" to other vulnerable residents to have to tolerate these behaviors. If it's medicating your father, or having lose his placement or to return home for you to have to deal with his behaviors, it might be the lesser of "evils" for ALL concerned.
As others have noted, a belt in a wheelchair is considered a "restraint" which most N.H. aren't allowed to use. (This is one where I think the "baby got thrown out with the bath water", from a time when waaay too many patients were tied down and physically restrained in nursing homes just to make it easier for staff or because there were few good medications to help calm them.) Even some medications can be considered "restraints"!!
Someone mentioned a bed alarm.....might be helpful to try Make sure they attach it to the back of the person where they're less likely to be able to reach it and take it off. Also, there are chair alarms which can be used if someone tries to stand up from their wheelchair. Again, this wouldn't help when your dad gets into a chair on his own, but could be helpful during the day when he's out and about.
Ideally there'd be enough N.H. staff to help monitor residents' behavior closely, but we all know unfortunately that this is NOT the case in most places. I, too, wonder where they expect elderly people with sexually acting out behaviors to go?????!!! Not an easy situation to have to manage, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, especially all on your own.!
Your father's behavior borders on predatory and could get him booted out of the nursing home if unwelcome advances persist. I see two options here, one is castration, or removal of the over active testicles, or an Rx for estrogen therapy to quiet them down. While MD's would have no problem removing over active ovaries, they may balk at castration, for largely empathic reasons.