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SORRY IF THIS IS CONSIDERED A RANT. I am super stressed out about one of the clients I take care of. Im currently working for 2 different caregiving companies because one pays better than the other but I stayed with one of the companies to care for my client Diane. She was my FIRST ever client and we had a special bond but lately she has been really stressing me out. She has me do chores nonstop & it has always been this way even when I first started working for her. After working for other clients I figured out what it's like to actually be a caregiver, and working for Diane is not it, she even calls me her housekeeper. I try caring for Diane as requested by my company & her children but Diane refuses and rather me clean all day. She needs more help than she leads others to believe. Shes malnourished & dehydrated mostly everyday but when I offer her water or to cook she refuses and says she can do it herself and asks me to do another chore instead. As much as I love helping her around the house, she pushes it to the point where she will purposely make a mess so I can clean it when I have finished all I had to do. I set boundaries but she still crosses them and it's really stressing me out because the bond we had is not there anymore. Also whenever she breaks or loses something she will blame me even though I watched her put it away the day before but then it goes missing all of a sudden (nothing of value). She lives alone and has hallucinations and she truly believes they are real, this is undiagnosed. SO I try my hardest to be a professional CNA/CHHA, but all she makes me do is clean. This is what I do everyday (I see her 5 days in a week but this is everyday); laundry, fold, put away clothes, sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, polish table, hand wash, dry and put away dishes, clean counters, thread sewing machine, clean toilet, sink, mirrors, bathtub, med reminders, clean fridge, organize drawers and cabinets. When I finish a task, she will go over to see how I did and make me go over it again if she doesnt like how I did it. Also, most of the time I'm cleaning, she's hovering over me or "assisting" me, but she's really just there to see if I'm doing it right. I never get to sit for a second or use the bathroom during my shift. Our bond stopped after her daughter asked me to write a progress report on how her mother has been doing medically so she can show her doctor. The daughter was pleased with the report because it was well written and she finally had evidence proving what she would tell the doctor. Diane was not happy with it at all and said I exaggerated. After this, she has not trusted me and keeps more to herself and has even become more critical and angry towards me. She even goes as far to criticize my looks and I can't defend myself. I really dont want to become more uncomfortable to the point where I stop caring for her but she's really been pushing in anyway she can. She even goes as far as to make me work past my shift, make me late for other clients, and I dont get paid for it. Or she makes me drive around 100 miles+ a week with errands she makes me do. And I say MAKE because she doesn't take no for an answer.

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This woman needs a higher level of care than you can ever provide. Her daughter needs to take her to neurologist asap. I’m sure there’s dementia. You are human but being treated like a slave/machine…& it’s ok if you have to go to restroom. I’d discuss with agency…every agency has sheet what you did all day. You will need more than one sheet to fill up your daily duties! To ask you to clean something she purposefully made mess? Her dementia plays a big part in this. I’m so sorry for your situation. If communication with her absent daughter is not working, please discuss with agency. Hugs 🤗
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OP, often seniors will test someone with the housekeeping. After all, why 30 year olds of means have servants. They often think that there's been no change in inflation since Gerald Ford, so they're gonna do everything to get their money's worth.

If Diane was capable of being reasonable, I would say that I'm here to basically take care of you and the messes you make while I am here. But as Diane is now used to your running around, I would say this would be a useless conversation even if she doesn't have dementia yet.

Cut financial ties with Diane. Exchange cards sometimes. Have phone calls once a month if she's actually a "friend." She's not family and she's not you--and you need to prioritize your salary and gas toward people who will pay you for what you are set to do, which is to see to their physical care including cleaning up only the messes a client makes when you're there. Other than that, it really is not your problem. Diane or her family can retain housekeepers who will come weekly and take care of the rest, but it's not your job.
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You have become a therapist as well. Some guilt regarding her own shortcomings is being pushed onto you.(Re-do, do better, do over, do best) I've found prioritizing helps. If a client is not able to do it, the old "job-jar" game is worth a try. Write tasks on post it notes; let her write a few, giving her control and letting her choose three or four to be done on each visit. She may appreciate the need to balance use of time. Focus on time now will be a benefit later Suggest doing one social task a week: write thank-you notes, sketch or water color, embroider or cross stitch, braid a bookmark for small gifts with a personal expression. Explain you must finish other tasks given by your employer. Be obvious by writing down your obligations, limit the task time to 15-20 minutes. Stressing limits will also benefit in managing her demands. Complement her efforts and those of creative colleagues, instead of re-doing. It may seem like adding work as you limit demands and demand limits. Or just wish her goodbye.
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You are actually fortunate compared to most of the people here. You can quit. Most of us cannot do that because the person we are caring for is a relative we are responsible for. Honestly, it doesn't sound like she needs help. She can make her lunch, she can clean along side of you, she can take her own meds, she can move large furniture. Not your responsibility, move on. This has the real potential to escalate into a problem you can't fix. What if she does hurt herself trying to bully you into helping, then you have to answer as to why she was doing these things.
What's next? She accuses you of stealing or of elder abuse? Nothing is beyond the possibility. She is not your friend.
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This is a client, not your mother. You are a very loyal person, but this is a job, not a ministry. I think she has all the control here. If you were to walk away, you would be protecting your job, assisting other clients in a timely manner, and leaving a space for someone else to come in. The new person will be able to set new rules for Diane. "That was then; this is now" is how Diane needs to be handled. She is not getting the nutrition she needs, and she is knows that she has you were you will not be able to make her take it. She is taking huge advantage of you. I'll be she is not paying you for mileage either. My FIL's caregivers get something like 40 cents a mile. If you were to charge her that, she might send you on fewer errands. But I digress. Quit now. It's not good for you OR Diane.
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WHY are you still there? If she won't follow thru with the boundaries you set, you're enabling her to keep ignoring you.
If your contract(s) doesn't include all the extra work she expects you to do, then tell her "it's not in the contract" and tell the daughter too as well as the agencies. STOP taking her c****! The relationship has changed b/c of dementia, don't feel you have to keep jumping thru hoops as some form of loyalty-Stand up for yourself or things won't change. There's other jobs out there that are less stressful.
Take care of yourself 🙏.
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It appears your client has some dementia as well as mental health issues. Ask the family to have her evaluated and treated. Ask them to give you instructions based on her doctors recommendations.

Put limits into place on the care you provide. You need to "remind" her that you have been hired as a caregiver and not as her house cleaner. "Remind" her to eat by making those meals and providing those snacks and drinks. Do not stay past what the time you are contracted for. You may have to let her go as a client if she will not abide by the terms of your contract with her. Please advise her family of this fact before you terminate the relationship.
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Why would you stay. You should quit immediately before she lies and gets you fired or banned permanently from working as an aide.
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willennym: Your profile states that you are caring for someone with dementia. Pray tell, is this Diane? Nonetheless, you were hired as a CNA/CHHA and not a cleaning woman. You should put in your notice to resign.

Okay, I just saw your reply to CountryMouse wherein you stated "it is a side effect of Alzheimer's pills." Again, resign.
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First of all - stop at once and take a deep breath. I would speak to your employer and determine what the contract you entered into included - look at it and see what it says and be armed with that data. Second, I believe this woman has dementia or is certainly on the way and is doing all she can to control you. Third, I don't know if you can reason with her. What is your relationship with the daughter? Would you feel comfortable talking to either one and setting boundaries and deal with enforcing them. If not, and you are no longer happy and obviously USED in a major term, I think you need to consider removing yourself from this job. She has NO right to demand, ask perhaps, but not demand. You are allowing her behavior and it is harming you. I would put a total stop to it at once - let her rant and rave and have another job lined up. This will get worse if you stay.
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I think you need to quit. It seems to me you have developed an unhealthy relationship with this family, especially your client. You are not there to try to change her and if she has dementia you cannot change her. I also recommend you get some counseling to delve into your inability to stand your ground. There is nothing good coming out of it for you. Poor pay, working outside your job description, unpaid overtime, and a lot of other things.

You said you will quit if she refuses to respect what you really do. She has already shown she is not going to respect what you really do, that ship has sailed yet you are still there.

You said, " Ive been really thinking about what i can say without making it seem like im complaining about her mother." You should complain about her mother and you should quit, do you know how weak you sound.

I hate sounding harsh, but you need to quit that job and get some counseling on why you are so enmeshed with this woman.
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You've been there long enough to see the mental decline. It doesn't really matter what you do all day - assuming you are paid by the hour, so really you're just earning a wage.

My guess would be you were hired so that someone was in the house with her. If she needs lunch, you would prepare it. If she chooses to believe she can still manage her own care, that's just part of her decline. You have a relationship with her even if it has changed lately. She is familiar with you. You are familiar with her. I say, keep going. Keep the pay check coming and just do whatever you can do to stay busy.

As for going to the bathroom - just go. Don't ask. I doubt she is going to physically stop you from going. If your contract with the agency says you get a 15 minute break between certain hours (or a lunch period, etc), then take the breaks. If you're only there, for maybe, hrs a day. A 4 hour worker wouldn't get breaks. Look at your contract. If it's in there, then take the break. Don't call it a break to her - just say I'm going to sit for a minute or so. Or, I'm eating my lunch and will get back to the dishes in just a bit.

If she's malnourished - don't ask what she might want. Just take her something. And be sure to let daughter know how little she's eating....or keep a calendar/chart of meals, snacks, drinks. That info may tell daughter that even in home care is no longer working and it's time for a 24 hr watchful eye.

Your other option is to ask agency to reassign you. Or quit this agency and get another client with the other agency. Let daughter know that you will be leaving and tell her why. She needs to understand other caregivers may feel the same way about what they do at your mom's house.
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"She lives alone and has hallucinations and she truly believes they are real, this is undiagnosed."  Call Adult Protective Services

Quit your job with Diane and call her if love has something to do with your relationship. Here's a poem to help you sort out your relationship:

Reason, Season and a Lifetime

By: Brian A. “Drew” Chalker

People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.


When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life…..
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Myownlife Mar 2022
Thank you for this... it has been awhile since I've heard it and needed it again now.
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Sounds like my mother, goes out of her way to punish if she thinks you did her wrong.

Everyone is an indentured servant, hovers over them while they do simple tasks to berate them so she can feel smart and make the caregivers feel stupid.
The early stages where you feel you had this bond is also a part of the grooming, later you’ll stay when they become abusive bc you have this bond.
I would remove yourself from the situation, my mother is the most toxic person you’ll ever meet and it sounds like you have something similar
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You have really spoiled your client. They have no idea what you are worth. It will take at least two people to replace you. Elder care is difficult and expensive.
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"Burnout" is the correct category for this. It sounds like you have already gone far above and beyond the call of duty for this client. I would suggest that you leave this client. They will never pay you what you are worth.
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my2cents Feb 2022
Your worth is whatever you agreed per hour. The essential employee is the one who is willing to fill their workday with any assigned task. The non-essential employee is the first to be replaced in the workforce because they place limitations on what they will do.
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It sounds like you need real help setting boundaries. I agree that if you can leave Diane's home, do so now. If your employers will not let you, then you need to request a meeting with your employers and Diane's family to request clear directives on what your job actually entails.
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Riley2166 Feb 2022
Good response.
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WALK AWAY. From Diane
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I think there's good news and bad news.

Bad news: You're in a toxic work environment. You're being abused and asked to provide work that is outside of your job requirements.

Good news: It's a job and you can quit! Imagine how difficult this would be if it were your mother or a close family member. But yes, you can and should quit unless you don't think you can get get the same number of hours elsewhere.

In summary, your client is exploiting and abusing your kind nature. You allow it to continue by not enforcing boundaries. The best boundary of all is to put yourself first for once, by walking away to a better job with better pay.

Please don't let nostalgia of better times keep you in an abusive situation, you deserve more. In the meantime, your client can hire a housekeeper or whomever she likes, but it's not your problem. From one codependent to another, please quit as soon as possible. If you give a notice, she'll really let you have it. Just decide on your last day and don't go back.
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Set high standards for your professional jobs. You are a caregiver, not a housekeeper. You can try telling your client again that you are very happy to do caregiving for her, but not the housekeeping, which is not what you are hired to do. Saying it again will probably do nothing. Speak to your agency about this, and ask them to line up another job for you that uses your caregiving skills. Be very professional about this, and don't burn any bridges. Good luck!
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Because you have allowed this to go on for so long without any consequences, she will never recognize the boundaries you think you have put in place. You need to give notice to make this end. I can only assume that you went into this line of work to help people who physically could no longer take care of themselves. If that is still your goal, there are plenty out there that would love to have your assistance.

Give notice and let Diane hire a housekeeper.
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Quit.
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My mother and sister tried to make housekeeping part of the primary duties. The reason for this is because my Mom couldn’t justify in her mind that she needed help or that someone needed to be with her 24 hours a day. My sister did this because it appeared like the caregivers were not busy and she thought she was doing them a favor. The housekeeper cost more per hour than our caregivers.

I agree with the others. It is time to terminate the employment. There are a lot of other clients who need you for giving care. I wouldn’t even bother telling the client that you are leaving until the final hour of the final day. Some people give you completely unreasonable work to do if they know you are leaving. If you like to do housekeeping work, housekeepers can make more money than caregivers.
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If it were me, I would put in my 2 week notice and quit. Then strike a match and burn that bridge.
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Fear is the sand in the machinery of life. Once you get rid of your fear and have confidence in yourself you will start living.

You don’t need your company they need you. Have you thought about working for an assisted living community? They are starving for staff. Think of all the wonderful people you could help instead of just one person.
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I manage a boutique home healthcare agency in South Florida. Hopefully, I am a good one to help you out!

First, know that you are doing a heroic job! HHAs and CNAs do the work no one else wants to do, the adult children refuse to do and the client can't do for themselves. You deserve respect, dignity, and most importantly satisfaction from knowing you are making a difference for another human being. Clearly, you are not getting that from this client.

As someone who hires, schedules, and manages Caregivers, I know there is a Caregiver for every client and a client for every Caregiver, but not every Caregiver is for every client. Sometimes what starts out as a great relationship transforms into something different. And, when that happens, it's simply time to move on. Like the song says, "breaking up is hard to do". (And you never signed up for "til death do us part",)

If you are working through an Agency, give them at least a week's notice. Once you have your last day agreed to, sit your client down, be grateful, and respectful and simply tell them that you've decided to look for a job that will allow you to use your training, skills, and passions to the fullest. There is no need to make her angry, upset, or wrong. You may need to be firm, but always be compassionate! Telling her won't be as hard as you think!

Let the Agency find her a new Caregiver that enjoys the housekeeping aspect of the job. (There are lots of them out there!) And, if you are anywhere near the Boca Raton, FL area, I'd love to have you on my team! ~BRAD
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naia2077 Mar 2022
Beautifully said, Brad!
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Just the fact that she criticizes your looks should be enough to quit. You shouldn't work in an environment like that, it's bad for your self-esteem.
The other posters have addressed the excessive housework issue and I agree with them on that, also.
Time to drop this client, with no regrets - because you are doing the right thing for you!
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You need to leave this job.
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You are a CNA/CHAA and were hired to provide care. Leave this job.
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It’s time to leave this client and find a new one. She needs a mental evaluation. Check your company’s policy on what you are supposed to be doing. I believe it’s to be caring mostly for her with light housekeeping. Such jobs would include, bathing, cooking, dressing, wiping things down, running the vacuum once a week, laundry, going with her to doctors appointments and helping her keep track of appointments. I went through something similar. My client has had three surgeries in the past two years in which she had to go into a rehabilitation/nursing facility after. I had agreed to take care of her all but this last time. She is too mentally unstable, confined to wheelchair with the first surgery, tries to make you feel guilty about everything, believes people are in the house, claims her things are always missing, has been diagnosed with vascular dementia by the hospital, doesn’t want to eat anything much except junk food, drinks alcohol in excess while at home daily, has a lot of physical pain with many health issues, and mental issues that made her mean...and the list goes on. I also managed her medication along with the constant changes. I wrote out her bills. She will remain in the nursing facility until they can get someone to take care of her at home through her Medicaid. I still manage her bills, check on her house, and care for her dog. I have back issues now from taking care of her. I can no longer do it. I suggest that you move on. She is clearly taking advantage of you.
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