My mother lives alone (widowed about 8 years ago) about 3 hours from me. She recently suffered a stroke in which she lost the vision in her right eye. She is very unsteady on her feet but has started to use a walker. She thinks that she is going to move in with me and my husband, but there is no way I can live with her. She is a very negative person and I know that her living with us would not only increase my anxiety, but it would also cause a rift between my husband and I because he feels the same way about her.
She has very limited savings (she does not qualify for Medicare or Medicaid, though), and cannot afford to move into assisted living, yet she is not eligible for a nursing home. I do what I can to help her and have talked her into spending some of her money to have a home health service come in a few days a week to assist with light housekeeping and taking her to the store (she can no longer drive). Am I a horrible person for not wanting her to move in with us? My husband and I have very busy lives - we both work (my husband has 2 jobs) and I attend school at night, so even if my mom did move in with us, she would be alone in our house as well. I guess I just want to hear if anyone else has a similar situation and how you are handling it.
No, you do not have to take her into your home, and for me it would be a deal breaker. I know my limitations, and always did know them.
Try to switch out the G words at the beginning. The G-word that is GUILT belongs to evil doers who seek to hurt people and cause pain. That is not you. The work GRIEF pertains to those who feel helpless and fearful and know their limitations, and see the deterioration and confusion of family members, but cannot sacrifice their own lives to save them.
You have no need of explaining your limitations, of what and why and wherefore. You have only to know that you cannot/do not wish to take an elder into your home. I wouldn't either. Some few heroes DO WANT TO, and that is lovely, but on Forum we often see them come to us desperate and broken.
My best to you. I hope you can assist your Mom (I suggest the help of a Social Worker in private practice or an elder law attorney for advice) make arrangements for her living ongoing. Do keep it clear in her mind that living with you is not an option for you. Keep your explanations of "why" nebulous and cloudy as a real reason will get an argument, whereas "I just am not capable of living with you, Mom, much as I love you; I am sorry. I will never abandon you and I will help you find the best living situation we are able to with the assets you have."
I know this is tough. Not everything has the perfect answer. Grief and inadequacies are a part of living. We do the best we can.
If you're a 'horrible person' for not taking your mother in to live with you, then so are TONS of the rest of us! None of us are bad people, we just recognize the need for autonomy on BOTH sides; for us AND for our parents. When my grandmother lived with us while I was growing up, it was a wretched experience for HER as well as me and my mother. We all lost out and were miserable. As soon as gma eventually moved into a nursing home, everyone's life improved....except that it was 25 years too late. Guilt should never be a reason for taking in a loved one b/c then resentment is what follows.
Best of luck!
To receive Medicaid, her assets need to be spent down to the asset cap in ur State. (My State is 2k) Her monthly income cannot go over the income cap set. (My State its a little over 2500) If she goes over the income cap ur State may allow a Miller/OIT trust.
If Mom has enough money you could get her into a Longterm care facility and when the money is gone, apply for Medicaid. Thats how I did it.
You need to make it very clear to your mother that moving in with you is not an option. It just would not work.