I’m 58. I alone have been taking care of my mother, who has dementia for 8 years while working full time. Last year I changed my hours to 30 hrs weekly, which caused me to bring home paperwork. I have an adult care provided for her when I work. I feed her, bathe her, change her, stay up with her at night even when I work the next morning (she has sun-downers). Because of her incontinence, I'm constantly changing her bedding and I basically take care of all her needs. I can’t even remember when I haven’t been tired. I only nap now. I get up, dress, brush my teeth and put my hair up in a band. It takes about 5 minutes. I eat on the go since my mother can only drink ensures or protein drinks. I’ve been told I’ve aged years and I feel years older than I am. She is currently at the end stage. I was told at most, she has a few months left. I was thinking of taking a 3 week vacation after she passes, then look for another less stressful job. I am currently a Lead Internal Auditor and Production Assistant. I have enough money saved to take an 8 week break. I want to make a clean start. I’ve been working at the same job for over 16 years. I had asked to have my work load decreased at my current job, especially when I went from salary to hourly but I was told "you can handle it." The work load did not decrease but increased because of employee cuts. I’m thinking a clean break will make me feel refreshed and renewed. I've bought paint, matts, rugs, furniture and other things to upgrade and refresh my house when my mother passes. I currently have them stored in my garage. I am ready for a change. Am I being selfish to want to start anew?
It is time for you to find some happiness in life!
But, I’M EXHAUSTED!!! I feel like my brain is numb. By the time I get out of bed, feed the dogs and get my breakfast, I’m done for the day. I have no energy. I was so looking forward to the day when I was no longer a caregiver on a minute by minute basis. I had kept active singing in choirs, feeding my spirit, so that I’d have a life to continue with when he didn’t live here anymore. I don’t have the energy to do anything. My doctor, who has many patients in my situation, says it will take 6 months to a year to feel normal again.
Be gentle to yourself. It takes a long time for your body to recover from the stress and lack of sleep. I jumped into a bathroom remodel that has taken way longer than it should have. But, I’m fine with it because I don’t have two brain cells to rub together in order to move things along, or even get upset about the delays. My dishes pile up and my house is dirty and I just don’t care. I’ll get to things when I feel like it or need to. In the meantime I’m hanging on to my dreams of a good “afterlife” for when I have the energy to enjoy it. I’m just not sure when that will be yet.
You have been an amazing caregiver and daughter. It is not selfish at all to want to make a fresh start.
After a long period of putting another person first, it is only natural to want to do something for yourself. And you should!
I am still grieving my dad, but many have suggested I do something to renew myself. I try different things but I'm just not sure yet.
I would suggest that you don't put yourself through two major life changes in the one go. Work will provide structure and a social outlet of sorts. Take your break and change your job in due course.
I'd also suggest you don't put off your treats until she's gone. Be good to yourself on a regular basis. Have a proper dinner, get your hair done, do up your room now. That's the sort of thing that keeps me sane and able to carry on.
Going to drink wine, eat chocolate and live wild on my new Don't Live Too Long plan.
It may not be prudent to some, but last year I spent almost two months in Europe, this year I go for another 25 days. Perhaps I should be working between my school semesters, but I need to enjoy my life while I can too.
No, you are not being "selfish." You are taking care of yourself, which is essential.
I recommend that you consider hiring an adult overnight babysitter or aide so you can get some sleep!
Definitely do NOT quit your current job until you have a new one already lined up and the contract signed. It's very tough to find another job after age 55, no matter how qualified and experienced you are. (I can tell you this from personal experience.)
For the OP - yes, finding a job after 50 is hard. See if your Alzheimer's Association will help with some funds for a respite break for you now. If you can scout out another job now, that would be good for you, though I understand you don't even have the energy to think that through or do it. As others have suggested, definitely see if your mom qualifies for medicaid, in our state there is a nursing home diversion program, that is through community based medicaid (shorter look back period) and they pay for aides to keep a person at home. If you could get someone overnights, that would get you some sleep and energy back.
Give yourself time to grieve after your mom passes, rest however it suits you (take days and just sleep!), and then make changes at a pace you know you can safely handle. Good luck to you :)