He has cancer. I want Nothing to do with him. Hate him. I am age 60 living in a city called Ft. Wayne. My Brother is 63 living in an apartment by himself in a small town 45min. south of me. We haven't spoken in years and can't stand the lazy, worthless sob, as since My Father died in 2009, he has done NOTHING for my Mother who is now in assisted living. Am I responsible for taking care of an older brother who is in dying health?? NO way is he living with me !!! He smokes marijuana & is not a nice person. PLEASE, help with any answers, Thanks.
When I was no contact with a family member and a cousin said, ya know knothead would love to talk to you. Really, then why haven't they called? I am not the one that said buzz off, but I buzzed off because that was the last thing said to me. I wasn't believing that there was a desire for reconciliation because this person was a blabbermouth and would say just anything and not mean it. Didn't hear anything for almost a year.
If he wants to reconcile then he needs to reach out and initiate the process, not use a via.
The thought of it makes you angry. Your reaction to this olive branch malarkey is "get stuffed" and I can understand that. But when you've got past your first reaction to their ?suggestion ?hope ?sermon, give some thought to how you would like to have left things with your brother when it's forever.
You may feel no different, you may still think "just so long as I never have to think about him again I'm fine with that." But... maybe not. There is a very wide gap between (still quite angry) no contact at one end of the scale, and taking responsibility for his care at the other; and there is lots of room for good things like forgiveness and peace of mind in between.
If the uncle and cousin persist and it annoys you, explain to them that they don't understand the complexity of the picture and you'll think it over in your own good time - if they'd leave you in peace to do that, please.
Stand strong. Tell family members that they can help brother your busy with a Mother he chooses not to see.
Neither Michael and don't let your other extented family pressure you into thinking that you should.
Make the decision that is "right for you", whether that is offering no assistance whatsoever or assisting with gettng him help from OTHER services. You need to be at peace with your own decision whatever you choose that to be.
Good luck.
My brother was in jail for seven years. I didn’t go see him, not even once! I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him in jail. Did I feel badly for him? Yes, I did but did he deserve to be there? Yes, he did.
I had emotions that I never expected. I am thin. I can’t afford to lose weight but every time I thought of him eating slop in jail I felt guilty about having good food to eat and I would push my plate away.
It took awhile for me to be able to enjoy food after he went to jail. My husband got upset with me about not eating but he was patient and tried to understand.
My brother committed armed robbery. I was held up at gun point on my first summer job so I know how scary it is! I had the gun pointed to my heart.
Damn straight, he belonged in jail. Stealing is a crime. Bring a gun into the picture is even worse.
He was a heroin addict. Got addicted at 13. I saw things as a kid that no kid should see. He fell into peer pressure when his friend asked him to try it.
His friend was lonely and looking for an escape. His dad was a very busy doctor and never went to any games or spent any time with him.
My brother wasn’t getting along with my dad and they thought they were just going to get high.
They were kids with no drug education. No support groups. No rehab. Only a methadone clinic.
Very sad. They were good kids, just hurt and lonely. Lost, trying to figure out their place in this world.
He was on and off drugs his whole life. He was successful at one point and owned his own business.
The lure of heroin always pulled him back. His lifestyle caught up to him. He was homeless for awhile. An old man took him in. He died of HepatitisC. I took care of him. It wasn’t easy.
I did have to cut him off eventually because he became so freakin irrational at times and I simply couldn’t handle it. So don’t feel badly about not having a relationship with your brother.
I did go to the end of life hospice facility and I forgave him. I asked him to forgive me for any time that I hurt him.
I did love him as my brother but I hated the junkie. I was the last one with him seconds before he died.
Of all my brothers though he looked out for me the most, played games with me, was very kind at times. My other brothers who did not do drugs were not so nice.
I know that I could never stick a needle in my arm no matter how bad life was. Seeing him overdose was terrifying.
It’s hard, isn’t it? It gets complicated, doesn’t it? Family relationships can become very difficult.
Follow your heart. If something doesn’t come from your heart you shouldn’t do it. Others may agree or disagree. That is what is right for me though.
My Brother IS POA over My Mother and has DONE NOTHING to help her with Love ^ support or fulfill his duties as POA and does not visit or do ANYTHING.
He has NOT spoken to me OVER 10-years and is a lazy, irresponsible, Un-caring, person who ONLY cares about himself and sits around smoking dope at age 63. I am a successful, retired USAF Retired Veteran, and My Relatives, Think I should all of a sudden be a kind caring Brother to an older Brother who has NEVER been Nice to me and has NEVER been Nice to his aging Mother who is now dying of cancer ?
Should I feel obligated or Guilty ?
I have an estranged older brother who was emotionally and financially abusive and physically threatening to my parents. He has also told me on more than one occasion he wants to smash my face or blow my brains out. My other brother believes he burned his brains out with the drugs he took in his 20s and told me decades ago there was no point in discussing any disagreements with him. At the same time, I have fond memories of my older brother from my childhood through my late 20s. When I was working my way through college and working my first job to pay back student loans, he fixed my old car every single time it had a problem, even supplying the parts. I don't want anything to do with him now, but I want to know he's OK.
So I asked myself what I would do if he had cancer and no one else to help him. Even though I have no responsibility to care for him at all, I would want to make sure he had adequate care _if_ he would allow me. I would not provide any direct care. I would want to help him get on SSD (very short approval process with terminal diagnosis), SNAP, Medicaid, Hospice, etc. I might agree to be his POA _if_ he asked, I would not offer. If he wouldn't let me help, I would probably call APS so they could give it a try.
You may not have fond memories of who your brother once was, but I suspect you do or you wouldn't be asking the question on this forum. If you decide to get involved even though he does not deserve your help, please be sure to limit your involvement and make protecting yourself and your family the top priorities.
My oldest brother was a heroin addict. In spite of it all, underneath there was a good heart. Look, at his worst, he was a monster! At his best, he was very kind, just like your brother.
I did care for him for many years. His lifestyle had caught up to him, hepatitisC. I finally had to cut him off due to him making my life hell.
When I received a call saying he was in an end of life hospice facility I did go see him. I forgave him. I was the last one with him just before he died.
It’s odd. My other brothers even though they were never addicts have cold, dark hearts. I will not have a relationship with them and at peace about that.
I am the oldest by 7 and 11 years. Since neither went out of their way for Mom, I don't see them ever considering caring for me. TG we all have family. So my brothers' care will be in the hands of a wife or their children.
NO. You are responsible for taking care of YOU.
But if you didn't in some way think you were, would you be asking? And if you have a feeling of responsibility towards him, it might be worth thinking through why you have and where it comes from. Then you can either reject it or act on it as seems best to you.
Blood connection DOES NOT MEAN you are obligated to them for life. He made his choices in life and his consequence his that you WON'T be there for him.
Ppeople may try to make you feel like you are, but don't let that bother you.
I, too, think u have enough on your plate. Even though Mom is in AL there are still things you need to do for her. UR probably POA so handling what you need to.
I think if brother needs help there are people who can do that for him. No, you don't have to allow him to live with you. If its someone other than Mom trying to push this on you, say sorry, ur estranged for a reason. You have enough on ur plate. Brother is going to have to figure it out for himself.
Is anyone asking you to be responsible for him? Even if someone is, just say you have no intention of helping him.