I am 76 years old and one of the primary care givers for my 97 year old mother. Mom has dementia and needs 24 hour care. My much younger sister is adamant about keeping Mom at home as long as possible. I worry that at my age something might happen that would leave me incapacitated (heart attack, fall, etc) and Mom wouldn't even be able to call 911. I am in fairly good health but would not be capable of lifting her up if she falls. My own doctor has expressed concern about my being a full time care giver at my age but my sister, who has managed Mom's finances for decades, insists on the two of us continuing to care for her. Every week when I leave my wife at home to go take care of Mom I have mixed feelings. I am grateful to be able to help but I regret leaving my wife alone for several days at a time in our rural home (40 miles away from town!). I think my physical condition is holding up pretty well but emotionally I'm getting worn out.
My oldest brother died three years before my mom. They had been very close all their lives but he had health issues and decided to live his last years on his own terms. I think he made the right decision.
No doubt your sis means well but she will need to spend some of moms money on a caregiver. You very well may live to your moms age but at what capacity. These are the best days you have left in life. Visit your mom, help sis find a facility or caregiver but give her notice.
Your sister insists...but you don't have to agree with it anymore. Is she trying to save money for your inheritance? If so, tell her the money is for Moms care. Either hiring help or place her into Memory care or LTC.
I am 71 my DH 74. I don't consider us old but we have our aches and pains. You should not pick up Mom. I have a bulging disk problem I think started because of helping my Mom up from her chair. It does not take much.
Caring for your mother means getting her the care she needs, not necessarily providing it yourself. Your sister should be ashamed of herself for not recognizing the toll this is taking on you and your health.
It's time for a come-to-Jesus meeting with Sis to find a better solution that sees to Mom's needs without sacrificing yours.
Now if that don't scare you, I don't know what will.
Please take care of yourself and your wife, and share this info with your sister. I know your mom would not want either of you jeopardizing your health to care for her. So have a sit down with your sister, and let her know that you value your health, life and marriage too much to continue on with moms care. It's now time to find the appropriate facility for mom to live out her years, and time for you to enjoy your life with your wife as you're not getting any younger either. I wish you the very best.
I am nearly 66 and my brother is nearly 70. We were absolutely exhausted during our caregiving days! Caregiving will either cause or add to existing health issues.
Mom spent the last month of her life in the hospice house. Hospice care was truly a Godsend! She received excellent care and died with dignity and free from pain.
There will come a time when your mom’s care will exceed your capabilities. Do NOT wait until that happens. Tell your sister it is in your mom’s best interests to start looking for a facility now. Tell her that it is also in your best interests to look after yourself and your wife.
I am sorry that you are struggling with this. It’s very difficult to endure. These are your golden years to enjoy with your wife.
What will your sister do if decline being your mom’s caregiver? Nothing is worth risking your health for. I do hope that you and your sister can work together on this situation. Wishing you and your family all the best.
Keep us posted. We care.
I want to unpack that sentence.
Firstly, Sister can be *admament* about what SHE chooses to do. Not for you.
You may choose to move to New Zealand. Or sail off on a round the world yacht tour (yeah I know... Covid.. joking 😁) Your life decisions are yours to make. My DH has sisters like this. They mean well, dress it up as caring, but always attempting to be The Boss.
Secondly, *keeping Mom at home*. This does NOT mean YOU have to be the one & only person in the world who can provide the hands-on care required to support that. Home care agency can be employed etc.
Thirdly, *as long as possible*.
What does that really mean? (I think I posted a question once about this).
Possible. Definition: able to be done or achieved.
Does NOT mean forever. Certainly not until Mother's or your death.
It could mean until it does not suit all the involved participants any more... Which is when? Now.
I am a little harsh maybe? But hopefully have given you 3 ideas to turn over to think about. To lesson any guilt. To see that any plan needs to suit ALL of you in it. Not just Mom & Sister. YOU matter too.
If they are reasonable, they will understand this when you put it into your own words to tell them.
Just because your sister is willing to do hands on caregiving, doesn't mean you have to do the same. You have to know your limitations. It is good that you and your sister have worked together on caring for mom but it appears the time has come. You wrote that your sister wants to keep mom in her home as long as possible. Well maybe as long as possible has come and gone.
Let you sister know that you appreciate all she has done for your mom, but you are no longer able to do it and other plans need to be made. Do you know your mom's financial situation - how much money she has to spend on her care. In the short term, home health aids should be hired to come into mom's home to do some of the work while this get ironed out (paid for on mom's dime).
Would mom be able to move into assisted living (AL) or would she need more care and need to go into long term care (LTC) - also known as skilled nursing/nursing home?
It really stinks getting old - not just for our parents, but also for aging children caring for elderly parents. Growing old is not for the feint of heart.
respond to “fall calls.” If she falls frequently, then it time to reconsider her living arrangements, whether an in-home caregiver or NH. Also, remove any impediments (e.g. scatter rugs) for her safety. Is it feasible for your wife to accompany you for the day? Evaluating options in discussion with your sister while asserting your needs and feelings, that you love your mother and wish you had the ability to continue providing her care, may help resolve these circumstances. I wish you and your family the best.
Many many times the caregiver passes before the person they are caring for. The mental and physical obligation and stress takes a lot out of a person. These are your golden years and should be spent with your wife and family. It's just a matter of time before you or your wife deal with your own health issues. If it were me I would have a sit down with the younger sister and tell her other options need to be put into play.
I worked with a guy who retired to take care of his wife with dementia. It aged him horribly and he ended up passing and his wife had to be placed in memory care. What was the point of his "sacrifice"? His life was shortened and she ended up placed and alone.
Make good decisions for yourself and your family.
Goals:
1 - Your mom should never be left alone.
2 - Mom needs to be in an environment that is safe and keeps her healthy.
3 - Dementia sufferers do better with consistent routines.
4 - All caregivers need enough time off to meet their own needs:
7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep every day
3 healthy meals are a reasonable pace
time off to meet your own health needs
time off to complete your own household needs
time off to "recharge your batteries" doing activities you enjoy with people you enjoy being with
Granted, this is pure assumption on my part, and thus I could be full of hooey, but I've seen this kind of situation too many times.
Follow your instinct, and act on it. Make a decision that's right for you - and your dear wife.
your younger sister could be guarding her inheritance…. Why don’t you write the cheques and have her do the grunt work …
use inheritance to take care of your mother .. it’s her money after all
It is also best to make decisions before circumstances make them for you.
The choice is yours to make.
Tell her she is welcomed to pay herself for her shift or hire a Caregiver for her shift too.
Maybe ya'll could hire a Caregiver for Mon - Fri then ea watch over mom one night a week.
Have you discussed hiring a Live In for mom?
You really need to take care of yourself because no one else will.
Maybe it would be easier to have mom live with you or your sister or both so you won't have to leave wife home alone.
Mom could stay during the week with younger sister and with you on weekends or stay a week with sister and a week with you.
Whatever, just work something out where you or doing less before something gives and you're the one needing a Caregiver.
Prayers
I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I realized that this "broad's" once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) You absolutely need to be concerned about your own health.
Reminds me of one of the Harry Potter films.. Harry appeared to step up to volunteer... but by default as the others all stepped backwards.
That's what happened to you, & maybe the youngest retreated under that cloak of invisibility.. Same here.
Having your Mom stay at home, is a wonderful thing to do, but also realize that dementia is very nasty. Have you discussed with your Sister both your feelings, both about your concerns about your own health and leaving your wife for days at a time and your concern about the possibility of not being able to lift her if needed? Have you asked just why she feels it is best to continue with care they way it has been? Have you looked into getting in home care for your Mother? She should know what your doctors are saying? Have you discussed fully with your Sister your Mother's finances?
These are all question both you and your sister should discuss before making any more decision about your mother's care. Also just what does your Mother's doctor say about her living arrangements. Has she been evaluated for the level of dementia? Also Does your Mother have a life directive in place?
Caring for our loved ones is a wonderful act of love, but it does come with a price for us as the caregiver. I can tell you, from personnel experience, having had Mom with me for a short period of time, I put her in Assisted Living because I saw BOTH of us going down hill rapidly. Her faster, as she was giving up what Independence she had at a racing pace. And even then I was with her 2 or 3 times a week, to check on her, visit, and just be there for her. And yes it took a great deal from my own health. I did not look after my self, believing that i was just great. I wish someone had discussed this with me from the beginning. Mom left this world at 98 1/2 and I was 76 a that time. I looked after her for over 10 years and would do it again, with better knowledge the next time.
I am sure now that she lived that long because I did place her in Assisted Living, where she not only had me, but a place with many other people she could see and talk with on a regular basis. And the Care Givers in her facility were the best ever and remain my friends today.
Good luck, God Bless you, your wife, your sister and your Mother.
If your mother has the fiscal resources, use them for in home care, respite, etc. This will help with your own emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental health. You have a choice! Don’t let yourself become burned out.
Again, you deserve to have a life!”
Yes!!
Or the more subtle, yet incidious "I was thinking..".
No they weren't *thinking* they were giving instructions in an indirect way. Is it more polite? Or covert manipulation? 🤔
Their *thinking* is actually meaning I want YOU to do XYZ & you must join the dots, get my meaning & of course obey.
Whoa, that's my little rant today 😬