Am I wrong to worry about my own health? I am 76, caring for my 97 year old Mother.

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Am I wrong to worry about my own health? I am 76, caring for my 97 year old Mother.

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Tell your sister you will happily switch rolls with her.

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Good idea!

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A difficult situation. I feel one of the most important things in life is balance. You've got to strive for that with both yourself and taking care of your mother. If you're overwhelmed by spending so much of your time & energy taking care of your mother, strive to find a solution with your sister to reduce some of the caregiving load. Depending on your financial situation, see if you can in home care for your mother. But the most important thing is to find balance, to take care of yourself as much as your mother.

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You know what….? Your sister can insist till the cows come home and the moon turns pink but she doesn’t make your decisions for YOU! You are in charge of you and your decisions. If she wants mom to be taken care of 24/7 then let her take over. I can’t believe truly the audacity of people thinking they should always have their way over others. Your health especially the mental component is so important and stress can do a number on the body and especially the brain. If she needs to live elsewhere so you and your wife can rest and enjoy life then do it. I always said about my dad…that yes it’s too bad his health forced him to be cared for in a facility but he was in his late 90’s like your mom…and he lived his life, footloose and fancy free how he wanted with no parent to care for. It was my turn! And even then it wasn’t a cake walk. But at least I didn’t have round the clock obligations. So it’s not like you let loose of the reigns and ride off into the sunset, but at least you can relax more, and maybe get away with your wife. Please reconsider as caregivers often die before the care receiver.

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"I can’t believe truly the audacity of people thinking they should always have their way over others".

Yes!!

Or the more subtle, yet incidious "I was thinking..".

No they weren't *thinking* they were giving instructions in an indirect way. Is it more polite? Or covert manipulation? 🤔

Their *thinking* is actually meaning I want YOU to do XYZ & you must join the dots, get my meaning & of course obey.

Whoa, that's my little rant today 😬

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“You deserve to have a life!” This what my therapist says to me all the time. I’m 57 and caring for my 88 year old mother. My spouse is 72. My mom has lived a good long life. My spouse and I have a better life by bringing in caregivers for 5 hours per day and we also have placed my mom in respite care for 1-2 weeks so we can totally get away.

If your mother has the fiscal resources, use them for in home care, respite, etc. This will help with your own emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental health. You have a choice! Don’t let yourself become burned out.

Again, you deserve to have a life!”

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You are right on (correct), you are being proactive in the best way. Taking care of yourself and your health will make taking care of your Mother that much better.

Having your Mom stay at home, is a wonderful thing to do, but also realize that dementia is very nasty. Have you discussed with your Sister both your feelings, both about your concerns about your own health and leaving your wife for days at a time and your concern about the possibility of not being able to lift her if needed? Have you asked just why she feels it is best to continue with care they way it has been? Have you looked into getting in home care for your Mother? She should know what your doctors are saying? Have you discussed fully with your Sister your Mother's finances?

These are all question both you and your sister should discuss before making any more decision about your mother's care. Also just what does your Mother's doctor say about her living arrangements. Has she been evaluated for the level of dementia? Also Does your Mother have a life directive in place?

Caring for our loved ones is a wonderful act of love, but it does come with a price for us as the caregiver. I can tell you, from personnel experience, having had Mom with me for a short period of time, I put her in Assisted Living because I saw BOTH of us going down hill rapidly. Her faster, as she was giving up what Independence she had at a racing pace. And even then I was with her 2 or 3 times a week, to check on her, visit, and just be there for her. And yes it took a great deal from my own health. I did not look after my self, believing that i was just great. I wish someone had discussed this with me from the beginning. Mom left this world at 98 1/2 and I was 76 a that time. I looked after her for over 10 years and would do it again, with better knowledge the next time.

I am sure now that she lived that long because I did place her in Assisted Living, where she not only had me, but a place with many other people she could see and talk with on a regular basis. And the Care Givers in her facility were the best ever and remain my friends today.

Good luck, God Bless you, your wife, your sister and your Mother.

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You will feel guilty, and you'll miss your mother's presence at home if you decide to place her in a facility. You're sister will be upset with you too. If you decide to continue caring for your mother the mental exhaustion will continue, and soon you'll become physically exhausted. It's a two edged sword. You're Mother has less years ahead of her than behind her. It may FEEL selfish, but please enjoy the time you have left on this earth with your wife. It's a conscious decision at this point which makes the guilt stronger. Even if circumstances forced your hand, you'd still feel that same guilt. I'm a health care worker, and I've had lots of patients placed in a facility themselves due to medical declines after caring for parents and/or spouses for years. They've always regretted NOT putting themselves first and advised me not to do what they'd done(32 years and I've never had one person tell me it was worth the health issues they suffered as a result). I never forgot that advice. I'm 50 y/o now, with parents in two different states. Both of my parents have Multiple Sclerosis. I told my parents long ago what my line in the sand would be since I knew their prognosis. That line was crossed after they both were positive with covid within 3 days of each other. They are now completely bedridden with moderate dementia. I had to place them both in a facility (I cared for my Dad the last 4 years prior to his hospitalizations) I felt guilty and I grieved. As I said, it's a two edged sword because I would literally kill myself or go crazy if I tried to care for either one them at home. So, no matter what, you will feel guilty placing your Mother in a facility either by choice or by circumstances. Please, please do not wait until your mental or physical health start spiraling downward. Do heed the warning of others who kept going despite of what their body was telling them. Sir, enjoy your life, and know you've done right by your Mom no matter what you decide. God bless you.

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I have been here. It was my brother, who managed the finances, who insisted we keep Mom at home. At the end, I was trying to keep up with my own home and family, work full time plus (I am a lawyer) and manage a team of 10 (ten!) full and part-time caregivers for Mom, plus her medical care, by myself after my younger sister “took herself out of it”. I’m still resentful of my younger sister, who left me to confront brother alone and to keep that disaster afloat by myself until another solution could be found. I’m still dealing with the financial aftermath of me being out of paid work so much, and the relationship issues from me working so much taking care of Mom. Stop the insanity. Just stop it reasonably, and as kindly as you can manage. Hire a private social worker and tell her that a solution must be found. Set a reasonable deadline, of say, 3 months, which may have to be plus a few weeks, the key is having a solution. Once you have a reasonable solution identified and communicated, and a reasonable plan to put it in place, then feel free to “take yourself out of it”. Your Mother did not give birth to you for you to kill yourself or hijack your remaining healthy years taking care of her. She wants a relationship with you, as a son, not a caregiver.

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Well said 👏

Reminds me of one of the Harry Potter films.. Harry appeared to step up to volunteer... but by default as the others all stepped backwards.

That's what happened to you, & maybe the youngest retreated under that cloak of invisibility.. Same here.

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It's not wrong to be concerned about your own health. It's a necessity to be concerned about your own health. I was in your shoes when I was younger than you are, and there were days I was so worn down, I thought, "What if something happens to me?" I agree with the other posters: if possible, hire help or find a good facility for her. My husband and I managed to pick my mom up when she slid off her chair a few times, but it wasn't easy.

I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I realized that this "broad's" once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) You absolutely need to be concerned about your own health.

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Let you sister know how you feel and if your mom has the finances,, tell sister to use your mom's money to hire a Caregiver to replace some or all of your shifts.

Tell her she is welcomed to pay herself for her shift or hire a Caregiver for her shift too.

Maybe ya'll could hire a Caregiver for Mon - Fri then ea watch over mom one night a week.

Have you discussed hiring a Live In for mom?

You really need to take care of yourself because no one else will.

Maybe it would be easier to have mom live with you or your sister or both so you won't have to leave wife home alone.

Mom could stay during the week with younger sister and with you on weekends or stay a week with sister and a week with you.

Whatever, just work something out where you or doing less before something gives and you're the one needing a Caregiver.

Prayers

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I get your ideas, make it easier. But I cannot see how moving the 97yr old Mother with dementia into his home would lessen the load? What would his wife say to that??

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I have read through the answers and agree with them. The only thing I have to add is that your sister insists on ‘keeping mom at home as long as possible.’ You and your sister have done just that! Try to feel good about the fact mom is almost 100 years old and it’s only now that she needs outside care. It’s time to do that for your well-being - but that decision doesn’t minimize all that you’ve done leading up to this point.

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The problem is that although logic and other people will tell you to always take care of yourself, your love for your mother gets in the way, and love is a big obstacle in making even the best decisions.

It is also best to make decisions before circumstances make them for you.

The choice is yours to make.

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I had written a comment than noticed the next one says what I wanted to say.

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I'll be blunt here. Your "much younger sister" who manages Mom's finances is thinking that Mom will die soon and wants to preserve the inheritance. And that inheritance will come at too great a cost to YOUR physical health and emotional well-being.

Granted, this is pure assumption on my part, and thus I could be full of hooey, but I've seen this kind of situation too many times.

Follow your instinct, and act on it. Make a decision that's right for you - and your dear wife.

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I agree with you peewee …
your younger sister could be guarding her inheritance…. Why don’t you write the cheques and have her do the grunt work …
use inheritance to take care of your mother .. it’s her money after all

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Your doctor is correct. I worry about anybody being a caregiver with so few resources. If you and/or your sister have a medical issue that incapacitates you, there needs to be other people who can take over care, even it it is temporary. Each of you also deserve to have extended "time off" to be able to go on vacations with your spouses/families. Please talk to your sister about expanding the network of caregivers. Talk to other family members, friends, members of your faith community, and paid help (sitters and home health aides).

Goals:
1 - Your mom should never be left alone.

2 - Mom needs to be in an environment that is safe and keeps her healthy.

3 - Dementia sufferers do better with consistent routines.

4 - All caregivers need enough time off to meet their own needs:
7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep every day
3 healthy meals are a reasonable pace
time off to meet your own health needs
time off to complete your own household needs
time off to "recharge your batteries" doing activities you enjoy with people you enjoy being with

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You didn’t really expect people to say it’s selfish of you at nearly 80 yrs old to have concerns about your own health, did you? Of course you need to be concerned your going to be 80 in only four years. Your considered elderly yourself. If you feel like your being stretched past your limit but you still want to help some then what you could do is inform them you have increasing health issues and need to reduce the hours your helping to ( just for example 2 half days a week)

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You need to make decisions that are best for you...not your younger sister. Why don't you suggest that the two of you trade roles for a year. Let her do the caregiving and you write the checks.

Many many times the caregiver passes before the person they are caring for. The mental and physical obligation and stress takes a lot out of a person. These are your golden years and should be spent with your wife and family. It's just a matter of time before you or your wife deal with your own health issues. If it were me I would have a sit down with the younger sister and tell her other options need to be put into play.

I worked with a guy who retired to take care of his wife with dementia. It aged him horribly and he ended up passing and his wife had to be placed in memory care. What was the point of his "sacrifice"? His life was shortened and she ended up placed and alone.

Make good decisions for yourself and your family.

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Im 57, mom is 89, the care needed is not at your magnitude, and I'm feeling about done. The fact that your doctor is concerned validates every concern you have. At your age you would need a caregiver.

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My Dad is 95. I was trying to take care of him in my home but I'm 70 and it was taking a toll on my mental health. His doctor recommended skilled nursing home. He's only been there for 2 weeks. On his good days, I feel guilty, but we had a health issue yesterday and instead of calling an ambulance (that I would have done with him at home) the doctor and nurses at the facility took care of him. The place is only a few minutes from my home, so I'm stopping by every few days.

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Perhaps a compromise. You might consider one day a week. If your mother falls occasionally, you can call the local emergency service as many will
respond to “fall calls.” If she falls frequently, then it time to reconsider her living arrangements, whether an in-home caregiver or NH. Also, remove any impediments (e.g. scatter rugs) for her safety. Is it feasible for your wife to accompany you for the day? Evaluating options in discussion with your sister while asserting your needs and feelings, that you love your mother and wish you had the ability to continue providing her care, may help resolve these circumstances. I wish you and your family the best.

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Take it from a 65 year old; who took care of her mother for 5 1/2 years after my father passed. Out of 6 kids; my mother wanted to live with me; because: #1. We were EXTREMEMLY close, and #2. Being an EMPATH, none of my other siblings could have EVER given her the level and 'CARE AND COMPASSION' that I could. BUT....after the 5 years; I neglected my own health; which in turn, put ME in the hospital. Please; take care of yourself too!! (((((hugs))))) :)

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You have every right to be concerned that caring for your mom 3 days/wk can have an affect on your health. It isn't unusual for a caregiver to die before the one they are caring for.

Just because your sister is willing to do hands on caregiving, doesn't mean you have to do the same. You have to know your limitations. It is good that you and your sister have worked together on caring for mom but it appears the time has come. You wrote that your sister wants to keep mom in her home as long as possible. Well maybe as long as possible has come and gone.

Let you sister know that you appreciate all she has done for your mom, but you are no longer able to do it and other plans need to be made. Do you know your mom's financial situation - how much money she has to spend on her care. In the short term, home health aids should be hired to come into mom's home to do some of the work while this get ironed out (paid for on mom's dime).

Would mom be able to move into assisted living (AL) or would she need more care and need to go into long term care (LTC) - also known as skilled nursing/nursing home?

It really stinks getting old - not just for our parents, but also for aging children caring for elderly parents. Growing old is not for the feint of heart.

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"My much younger sister is adamant about keeping Mom at home as long as possible".

I want to unpack that sentence.

Firstly, Sister can be *admament* about what SHE chooses to do. Not for you.

You may choose to move to New Zealand. Or sail off on a round the world yacht tour (yeah I know... Covid.. joking 😁) Your life decisions are yours to make. My DH has sisters like this. They mean well, dress it up as caring, but always attempting to be The Boss.

Secondly, *keeping Mom at home*. This does NOT mean YOU have to be the one & only person in the world who can provide the hands-on care required to support that. Home care agency can be employed etc.

Thirdly, *as long as possible*.
What does that really mean? (I think I posted a question once about this).

Possible. Definition: able to be done or achieved.
Does NOT mean forever. Certainly not until Mother's or your death.

It could mean until it does not suit all the involved participants any more... Which is when? Now.

I am a little harsh maybe? But hopefully have given you 3 ideas to turn over to think about. To lesson any guilt. To see that any plan needs to suit ALL of you in it. Not just Mom & Sister. YOU matter too.

If they are reasonable, they will understand this when you put it into your own words to tell them.

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Double post....

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Oh my gosh, I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home. My brother stepped in for the last year and a half. Mom recently died in a hospice house with end stage Parkinson’s at the age of 95.

I am nearly 66 and my brother is nearly 70. We were absolutely exhausted during our caregiving days! Caregiving will either cause or add to existing health issues.

Mom spent the last month of her life in the hospice house. Hospice care was truly a Godsend! She received excellent care and died with dignity and free from pain.

There will come a time when your mom’s care will exceed your capabilities. Do NOT wait until that happens. Tell your sister it is in your mom’s best interests to start looking for a facility now. Tell her that it is also in your best interests to look after yourself and your wife.

I am sorry that you are struggling with this. It’s very difficult to endure. These are your golden years to enjoy with your wife.

What will your sister do if decline being your mom’s caregiver? Nothing is worth risking your health for. I do hope that you and your sister can work together on this situation. Wishing you and your family all the best.

Keep us posted. We care.

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No you are not wrong to worry about your own health. Caregivers have a 63% higher mortality rate than non caregivers, and 40% of caregivers caring for someone with Alzheimer's/dementia, will die from stress related disorders before the one they're caring for.
Now if that don't scare you, I don't know what will.
Please take care of yourself and your wife, and share this info with your sister. I know your mom would not want either of you jeopardizing your health to care for her. So have a sit down with your sister, and let her know that you value your health, life and marriage too much to continue on with moms care. It's now time to find the appropriate facility for mom to live out her years, and time for you to enjoy your life with your wife as you're not getting any younger either. I wish you the very best.

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You are not required to martyr yourself, and you will if you don't stop doing this.

Caring for your mother means getting her the care she needs, not necessarily providing it yourself. Your sister should be ashamed of herself for not recognizing the toll this is taking on you and your health.

It's time for a come-to-Jesus meeting with Sis to find a better solution that sees to Mom's needs without sacrificing yours.

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Give your Wife a BIG hug.

Your sister insists...but you don't have to agree with it anymore. Is she trying to save money for your inheritance? If so, tell her the money is for Moms care. Either hiring help or place her into Memory care or LTC.

I am 71 my DH 74. I don't consider us old but we have our aches and pains. You should not pick up Mom. I have a bulging disk problem I think started because of helping my Mom up from her chair. It does not take much.

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You absolutely should not be doing this. The concerns you stated are very valid and need attention. Tell your sister you can’t and won’t continue with all you’re doing. Focus on your health, your wife, and your home. That’s not selfish, it’s just what’s needed for a person in your position. You’ve done an admirable job with this, but clearly it’s time for change

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No, you are quite right. You should no longer be doing this. Tell your sister that you have resigned now from this care and that your Mom will require placement for her safety and for your own well being. You are risking yourself, and your post to us tells me that you fully recognize that. Please for your own sake don't continue to do this. I would not discuss, and I would not argue. I would put in my "resignation" effective (and give her the date). Period. Full stop.

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Turn in your notice. You have control of this situation. Tell your sister you will visit mom, but you will no longer leave your home for three days a week. Sometimes when our parents live so long, we have a false since of our own mortality.
My oldest brother died three years before my mom. They had been very close all their lives but he had health issues and decided to live his last years on his own terms. I think he made the right decision.
No doubt your sis means well but she will need to spend some of moms money on a caregiver. You very well may live to your moms age but at what capacity. These are the best days you have left in life. Visit your mom, help sis find a facility or caregiver but give her notice.

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Am I wrong to worry about my own health? I am 76, caring for my 97 year old Mother.

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