I have a sister who is very ill, in the past almost 12 months, she has gone from a mental hospital, an assisted living facility, another nursing home, the hospital and now is in yet another nursing home, where she is now bedbound, does not talk and has a few other health issues. I truly believe a lot of her mental and physical issues are a direct result from her having watched her soul mate, her beloved husband, suffer terribly over a 6 month period in a hospital where he ended up dying, this was 6 years ago. She never fully accepted his death and never got the proper grief counseling, nor therapy for the depression.
She has 2 sons, one who was living with her, not working and this useless fool was charging her for any housework, yard work etc he did around the home, he actually presented her with written bills ( who does that to their Mom, especially when they are paying nothing toward household expenses?). The other son works, but his wife does not and they have a tween and 4 yr old. And they lived with my sis and bro in law for 4 months, or so, over 7 years ago, they too paid no rent, nor contributed toward any bills, nor did they housework or cooking
I care for our elderly mother, who 3 yrs ago passed out and hit her head, my mother was perfect prior to the head hit. I care for her 24/7, but I do get some help from family ( I have a wonderful sis-in-law who always offers to watch her on her days off from work and my brother does too and another sister and bro in law who throughout the year travel here and stay for a few days or so to help out), but I mostly do the bulk of caring for my mother and I do not like asking for help since they all have their own busy lives and I do not want anyone to ever feel I am taking advantage of them, but I am extremely grateful for their offers and help
I feel terrible that I cannot care for my sister too, but there is no way I could care for two ill people, the stress from my mother alone is intense and I do everything here, from cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, on and on.
Now a year ago when my uncaring nephew said he was putting his mother away, I begged him not to, I asked him to bring her here and he could live here and we could take turns caring for her, he lives in the South, I live on the East Coast. He flat out refused, I warned him my sister would deteriorate if she was put away, he denied it would happen, and, yes, she certainly has dramatically gone downhill.
I have this rage and hatred for my nephews and the wife of one too! I will not lie, I screamed at my nephews on the phone when they merely mentioned putting my sister way, but when upon learning they were actually putting her away and I could not contact them voice to voice, I left the most profanity laced, angry phone messages I could make, I was irate and heart-broken that they could not just hire people to help out and that 1 lazy bum could get a job and help out too.
Now it turns out these two sloths just inherited hundreds of thousands of dollars from their late father's mother ( their grandma passed way last fall), I thought for sure they would reflect on all their Mom did for them in their lives ( these 2 jerks did things when they were teens that did bring shame to their parents, things that made their neighbors label them as the bad house and my sis and bro in law forgave them over and over), but I thought for sure they would use some of that money to help out their Mom, bring her home, get her all the therapy she needs, etc...but no. of course not., these two greedy pigs are using that money or themselves ( btw they never bought gifts, visited, etc that grandma who they got that inheritance from, she even used to give them each a grand or so for each Christmas and birthday and the selfish pigs never even bought her gifts!) I just cannot believe the utter narcissism and selfishness these two sons and daughter in law have displayed. It's so true that when things get rough people's true colors are revealed and their colors are vomit/feces colored!
Has anyone gone through something similar and if so, are you still seething, or have you found a way to release that anger? I seriously hate my nephews, it sickens me that they could only do the easy thing, not the right thing, How on Earth can one forgive people who show so little sympathy and compassion for the woman who brought them into this world, raised them, took care of their needs and loved them unconditionally? I wish I knew how to release this rage, but I fear if I do not have this negative energy toward those swine it will be like I accept their egotistical insensitivity and no bad vibes will be clinging to them, I like to think that somehow they feel my hatred for them and it brings them bad luck. How does one release this hatred without letting the perpetrators get off Scott-free?
I have not drank caffeine in a long time. I used to drink tons of instant iced tea before my mother hit her head. I'm not sure I want to go back to drinking anything caffeinated, I also recently gave up all sweet drinks, I now only drink water with a slice of lemon in it and I soon plan on giving up candies, cakes, ice cream. But thank you for trying to help me out. too bad things can be bad for some of us, this is a tough, unfair life at times, isn't it?
See you would do exactly what I would do if we had money , money just given to us, like those poor excuses for human beings, my dirt bag nephews! I wish I'd win the lottery, I would build a handicapped accessible home, hire a live in nurse, hire round the clock aides, etc etc and take my sister to the best drs and if, God forbid, she is dying, at least she will be in my home and my mother and I could give her hugs, kisses and hold her hand everyday to let her feel the love from us.
I cannot fathom how those two slimy slugs cannot feel awful seeing their young Mom in a nursing home, and they know she deteriorated being in all the five facilities she has been in in less than a year. I would be wracked with guilt, plus that 1 nephew doesn't work neither does the wife of the other nephew, I suppose sitting on one's posterior watching tv, being a slob, eating junk food and being generally lazy is too time consuming for them to help out my sister.
Oh I have prayed, prayed a lot. I prayed way back when my beloved bro in law was so sick in the hospital and he suffered so much and died. I wish I knew why God has allowed so many sad things to happen to our family. But it is interesting you write how my sister has shut down probably due in part to her sons. See I call her a lot, she really says nothing and sometimes just cries and cries, which breaks my heart, but a guy I know, he told me she is crying for her sons, she cries that they have turned their backs on her. Ohh and 1 son lives close to the nursing home and visits her maybe once a week, if that, the other jobless ones goes maybe 2 times a week, what's either of their excuses???? I am here 24/7 with my mother and my nephews are 15 and 18 yrs younger than me, yet they cannot even be there everyday to comfort her, the jobless one has no excuse to not go everyday. And she is sick like she is because of them and is too young to be in a nursing home, wow! I understand with much older people they need to be in nursing homes, my sister didn't and has deteriorated so dramatically over this past almost year. But I think your idea to pray that my sister is not aware of how awful my nephews are is a very good idea too, I will try that kind of praying. Hmm I should pray for God to help me get rid of this anger and hatred, you are right. Awww thank you that you would pray for my mother and me, I'll pray for you and your Mom too though lately my prayers do not seem to work.
Your advice to do things for myself is good, but to be honest my mother is all consuming and believe it or not housecleaning relaxes and makes me happy. I sometimes feel that my lot in life is to now take care of my mother even though it can be sooooo stressful!
Oh and a guy I interact with online sent me this very cool saying, and it gives me a weird sense of peace, here it is: This life is all of the hell a Christian will have to endure, but is all the Heaven a sinner will know. Isn't that cool and profound? My poor sister certainly is enduring hell, as am I with not being able to heal my poor sister and my poor Mom. that's a hell in itself.
Thank you for remarking on here and thank you for your good advice!!
I cannot even fly down to see my poor sister, my mother is so dependent on me, if I am merely in another room she is freaking out looking for me, even when my sis in law takes her so I can shop she tells me my mother goes looking for me asking where I am. And no way my mother could sit in an airport waiting for adjoining flights, sometimes I have sat, in the past ( before my mother hit her head) for 3 hours waiting for an adjoining flight. My mother gets antsy sitting in dr's office waiting rooms and those waits are like 15 to 20 minutes/
But you know I have not prayed for God to change my nephew's souls/hearts/minds so that they will do right by my sister/ I may try that kind of praying
And it is ironic you write of testicular cancer wished upon my oaf nephews. Get this, back when my beloved brother in law either was dying or after he just died, I forget when, but my sister called me to tell me my jobless nephew there called her from college ( before and after my bro in law died my nephew was attending and went back to college, my poor sis was alone in her home while her husband was dying and a year after he died) but my sister told me that nephew called and was very upset, I thought I was going to hear her say he was depressed over his Dad's illness or death, nope, the jerk was calling that he was sad because he had a cyst on his scrotum and he was upset since that meant he could not have sex with some girl he likes! First off why a son is telling his mother that is beyond me, but second and more important is why wasn't he mourning and talking sadly of his Dad's suffering or passing??? I can't recall if my imbecile nephew made that call before or after his Dad died , but if it was before that nephew knew the cancer his Dad had was fatal so it's not like he did not know death was imminent..what an insensitive clod that boob is!
But really thank you for the laugh!!!
I don't get their heartlessness... And I don't need to. I simply need to do what I can to care and serve my dear Mom (and cry as needed).
Anger always hurts the person holding onto it. Bitterness defiles many.
12 Look at these wicked people—
enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply.
13 Did I keep my heart pure for nothing?
Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?
14 I get nothing but trouble all day long;
every morning brings me pain.
15 If I had really spoken this way to others,
I would have been a traitor to your people.
16 So I tried to understand why the wicked prosper.
But what a difficult task it is!
17 Then I went into your sanctuary, O God,
and I finally understood the destiny of the wicked.
18 Truly, you put them on a slippery path
and send them sliding over the cliff to destruction.
19 In an instant they are destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors.
20 When you arise, O Lord,
you will laugh at their silly ideas
as a person laughs at dreams in the morning.
21 Then I realized that my heart was bitter,
and I was all torn up inside.
22 I was so foolish and ignorant—
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
23 Yet I still belong to you;
you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever.
27 Those who desert him will perish,
for you destroy those who abandon you.
28 But as for me, how good it is to be near God!
I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter,
and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.
Psalm 73.
I need to read a book on how to get rid of this anger and bitterness, but I am so stubborn because I don't want those two gnats to feel like what they are doing is somehow okay! Ahhh I wish I'd win the lottery and could just bring my sister home where she will be loved, hugged and comforted. She does not deserve this hell she is going through. I feel so bad that I cannot possibly take care of her and my mother, if I could I would.
I'm sorry your siblings have not done the right thing by you and your Mom, but I truly honor you that you have forgiven them, that is a truly enormous accomplishment and not easy to do at all. Kudos to you!!!
Thank you for sharing, I appreciate it!
Now forgive me, but I'm going to get a little sarcastic - for your own good.
Exactly how do your nephews suffer from you being angry with them? Do you send them death rays by ESP? If that works, why aren't they dead yet?
They do not deserve and will never have your love and respect. That is as it should be. But honestly, they couldn't care less because they are moral slugs.
We do not forgive people for their sake. We forgive them for our own sake. "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." They will receive their just reward. God doesn't want you to harm yourself trying to punish them. If you could just punch them in the nose, I'm OK with that, but you are torturing yourself.
Can you just stop communicating with them? Let your sister with the MD husband keep in touch, and inform you of her status. talking to them - eve thinking about them just stirs you up. That doesn't help your sister or hurt them. It just makes you crazy.
Your sister's situation seems like one that requires acceptance. You are powerless to change any of it. For whatever known or unknown reason, this is how her life is now. It's as if a boulder landed on her head. The boulder was her sons, which sucks, but it has happened and can't be stopped. If you can accept the situation, maybe you can give up your anger, the part that is driving you crazy.
I, too, hope they get testicular cancer, but I hope you get peace.
I bet you are right that my negative feelings and energy aimed at them does not affect them, too bad, I wish it did.
Now, see of all the lessons I cannot seem to get in this life is forgiveness and letting go..I can forgive and let go when someone is genuinely sorry, apologizes and does the right thing, but man, it is very hard for me to forgive people who show no remorse and no desire to right their wrong. I need to buy a book from Barnes & Noble on how to forgive. Believe me many wise people like you, others on here, people I know in person, as well as strangers I meet in person, or on the phone do tell me to just let it go..I really need to do it, you and others are right, it only hurts me. But it is so hard to forgive, I know that is a major lesson I need to learn in this life.
And hehe I would punch those two, not in the nose, nope, it would be a wee wee err I mean wee bit lower than their nose if you get my gist, and rather than my fist I would use the tip of my sneakers ( after I adhere steel to the tips) and see it would not even be that awful for those two sloths, afterward the two boobs could try out as sopranos for the opera!
Oh I do not communicate with them, I have only in these past 11 and 1/2 months left a couple phone messages for the unemployed jerk, one was me very angrily telling him he and his brother sure as hell better visit my sister everyday since she cries constantly and she must be lonely and scared, and a couple other messages were for him to bring my sister her mouthpiece ( she has sleep apnea) and to heed my bro in law, the dr, his recommendations on changing and giving different meds to help my sister. But that lazy oaf has done nothing! Great son, great soul, right?
And it's funny you write my other sister should be the one communicating with him, she does. I always bad mouth that nephew and his brother too and she does not like it, she says at least they visit her periodically and if she berates them they may retaliate by never going to see our sister and that would be really terrible and detrimental for her..
You are so right how my just thinking of them enrages me, I am so disappointed in them, I expected so much more love, caring and compassion for their Mom. My other sis and her husband drove all the way to see my sister in June and she said how our nephews were there and were very loving to their Mom, I told her only a nut job would not act like that in front of their Mom's sister and I reminded her how the jobless jerk, when the mental hospital released her because her ins. refused to pay, well he told the social worker that if his mother was not put away, he was going to drop her off back at her home, pack his bags and leave to have her fend for herself, sorry that sounds like hate not love! Who would say or even do that? And the other nitwit nephew, when I said he, his wife, daughters and his brother could all live together in my sister's home, take turns caring for her and he could save money on rent and could hire aides to help out, that slob was dead silent when I mentioned that. And I had said that after he said to me, Don't you think if I could, I would quit my job and care for my mother?" Hah what a liar he did not do much when his poor Dad lay suffering and dying in the hospital and he does nothing for his Mom. I feel so sad my sister got those two as her sons! What a curse!
Oh Jinx I wish I could accept my sister's lot, I can't, I love her so much, she is 14 years older than me and was like a second mother to me, growing up I lived with her and my so sweet bro in law like during summer school breaks and even lived with them when I attended college. I wish I had the power to heal her or had the money to care for her ( I say/write this all the time, but I play the lottery constantly hoping to win big so I can build or buy a handicapped ready home and hire live in nurses, aides, take her to the best drs etc.) I was even thinking of trying to get some stories I have written published, but I bet that is a pipedream too, like winning the lottery.
I wish I could just let it all go, I just am not able to.
And your writing that a boulder has landed on my sister's head and it is composed of her sons, that is brilliant and too true!
Ahh I hope instead of testicular cancer their testes balloon up and they have to drag them around in a wheelbarrow, now that would be great! I told my sister, if I die soon I want to be cremated and I asked her to blow my ashes into those two asses faces and perhaps they will choke on them, ahh that would be sweet!
Thank you for your advice, I really do need to let go and I have to teach myself how to do it. And aww thank you for wishing me peace what a sweet wish that is! I wish you all the love you can handle!!!