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My brother lives with my mother, she's 91, and he is mentally unstable. She is getting cognitively challenged and that is troubling. Today I found out that my brother has filed a document stating that as of today everything she owns will go to him when she passes away. She had a will but it disappeared when she was in the hospital. The document is a Power of Attorney for Property. I talked to her today, I live 1000 miles away, and tried to explain what the document says. She doesn't remember signing it and doesn't remember going to the notary. She is not aware of what is even in it! So now it appears that all 5 children will only see my one brother getting everything. He is her caretaker but really can't take care of himself. My brother from Cal is there visiting and he said that my brother heated up a tv dinner for her 3 days in a row for her to eat for dinner! Of course she didn't want to eat it. She lives in Illinois and I'm at a loss as to how to change that document back to her original will and how to get my brother out of her business. I would love to get him committed or at least to stay away from her finances. I feel like I'm living in a movie because I've seen these plots before; deranged son takes advantage of aged mother! Any thoughts, anyone had an issue like this?

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Get a lawyer and head this off before she dies and you have to contest the will.
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You are describing strong suspicions of financial elder abuse plus possible neglect.

I'd be wanting more 'eyes' on this situation for your Mother's safety. To see what is going on.

If not possible for you or other siblings to visit (due to distance) consider involving a non-family agency eg Adult Protection Services for vulnerable elders/adults.

I usually susgest talking it out with a sibling - attempting to see each othet's point of view. But here.. strongly looks like a cash & property grab doesn't it?

Note: A 'take-over' may cause long damage to the relationship with the unstable brother. Is this a concern?
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justadecision Dec 28, 2023
This relationship with this brother and other siblings has already been damaged so no worries there. And you are right, has nothing to do with her care but everything to do with her cash and property. Adult Protective Services might be the way to go.
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You need to get Mom evaluated and a timeline on how long she has had Dementia. If she signed paperwork and had Dementia at the time, the contract is invalid. I would try to find out who the Lawyer was who wrote up the Will. He should have a copy.
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OK. So a notary means nothing.
A notary DOES nothing but witness a signature.
They do not examine a signer. They simply say they have ID papers that say that this person signed this document.

Your brother is caring for your mother. Of COURSE he should have POA. Who ELSE should do it?

You say brother is "deranged".d
How is it that wasn't a problem for the other siblings until all of this about POA and wills came up? You siblings have allowed, apparently, a "deranged sibling" to have the care of your elder? For HOW long?

In all honesty, and I cannot know the details here, the person who is caring for your mother all this time, (she is now 91), who is feeding her, caring for the home, taking her to appointments and etc. is the person who I personally feel is most deserving of (if not entitled to) whatever estate she leaves. And at 91 there may not be a whole lot of an estate left.
And the person caring for her definitely should be her POA at this time.
IMHO.

Disagree? Well then y'all should go to an elder law attorney in your Mom's area for advice and options. I wish you the best.
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Oh, the horror! A TV dinner! Three times!

How did caregiver brother get the permanent job? Did any of the other siblings step up to help or say that he shouldn’t be doing it? Until now when it looks like he’s going to walk off with the loot?

If a TV dinner is so bad, how about siblings chipping in to take casseroles over for caregiver brother to warm
up? Meals on wheels? Restaurant delivery? Lots of options.

Many elders survive on commercially frozen foods. Marie Callender. Boston Market. Hungry Man. Not me, but I understand some of them are good. Cooking gets to be a hassle, and my retirement community friends enjoy a frozen food break sometimes.
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Riverdale Dec 28, 2023
I grew up with TV dinners. Since my mother was not very domestic and not a cook I think it might have been best. I vividly remember the various sections of different food.

Not really a help to the poster but serving this food is not neglect. If only one sibling is around then this very occurrence often happens regarding wills etc. The other 4 siblings need to band together and consider seeking legal help but if none are in the vicinity it is much more difficult. None of them seem to be there for the day to day care. Stories like this remind me I am glad to have been an only child.
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I’m inclined to agree with Alva on this.

Your so called, ‘deranged’ brother is the one caring for your mother! Why is it that you are just now complaining about him? He is fine for caregiving but not for receiving any compensation for his work, is that what you’re saying?

If you don’t want your mom to eat TV dinners, why haven’t you been helping him? There’s five of you and one of him. Is that fair?

See an attorney if you like about the will.

While you are thinking of ways to receive your mom’s money, consider removing the burden from your brother as your mom’s primary caregiver and find a nice facility for her to eat delicious institutional food! Would that be a fair deal for everyone?

Wishing your family, including your ‘deranged’ brother all the best.
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justadecision Dec 29, 2023
I know my brother and he does have mental issues. When he is hearing something he doesn't want to hear he puts his fingers in his ears and screams, "mommy tell them to stop" over and over again. Does that sound like a normal 63 yr old man?? He has been living in that house since his divorce, 25 yrs, and my Dad, when he was alive, had him evicted but after hearing him whine and complain my Dad let him back in and was always sorry he did that. My brother just recently, as of when she went into the hospital, this July, started to show interest in her and her health. Before that he ate the food I bought for her, he refused to carry out the garbage, he doesn't even talk to her, he leaves her notes on the kitchen table or counter asking her for money. Does that sound normal? He has issues and only recently knows that she doesn't have too many years left and he hasn't worked since he's lived there and won't look for a job. He's lazy and wants the house and money so he can continue to be lazy!
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Misunderstood & undervalued fulltime caregiver?
Or unstable deceitful fraudster?

Very strong views.

A professional look at the FACTS may be needed.
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The only way that would give you a chance of changing this situation is if you or your trusted siblings pack up and plant yourself in her home, or if that is not possible at least next door (figure of speech, a motel nearby would suffice), to your mother. Then you observe what is going on. That is the first step. Perhaps you can get mom to change her papers (if she's competent) If not, then you are going to have to document any suspected neglect or abuse. Most of the time the abuse is financial in these situations which is tougher to sniff out, but if you can back up your strong suspicions, you would then contact authorities and APS in the area. They will open an investigation. That doesn't necessarily mean you will have success, and if you need to fight harder, you are going to have to apply for guardianship of your mother. Of course, she needs to be declared mentally incompetent for that to happen, and it is going to cost you a lot of time and some money. tough situation for sure, good luck.
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From your profile:

"...I discovered a document that my brother either bought or got from a lawyer that gives everything she has to him when she dies. Previously she had other brother in charge of her things. I spoke with her today and she doesn't remember signing this document or even know what it's about. My brother and I are at a loss. My mother had a will that said everything was to be distributed evenly to all 5 of her children. When she was in the hospital it disappeared. So, I am very frustrated about him and how he treats her. She has been brainwashed by him and his mental issues make me worry that she is not really safe at home. Not sure what to do about him."

So, maybe some of this is being drive by control, money and inheritance issues?

Are you saying that your Mom assigned a new PoA (active while she's alive) and made a new Last Will (only matters after she passes)? Who is the Executor of the Will?

Please consider that your Mother (in her right mind) wanted to compensate your brother for all the 24/7 care he provided. This is her right to make this decision and she was under no obligation to tell anyone. You found out by "accident". Maybe she *now* doesn't remember doing it but that doesn't mean she didn't have capacity when she made the documents. Are they legally finalized? Notarized, with witnesses? Are there signs of financial abuse? If so, take this to an attorney to discuss.

I wouldn't consider someone to be "deranged" simply because his meal offerings were tv dinners 3 days in a row. Please consider your brother is burned out caring for your Mom. Have you asked your brother if he'd like a longer break or needs more daily help? Maybe it is time for your Mom to transition to AL or MC. Whoever is your Mom's PoAs needs to make sure those powers are now active and they need to have this discussion together.

Regarding "leaving everything" to your brother... there may not be much left depending on your Mom's health and what transpires while she is exiting this earth.
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justadecision Dec 29, 2023
So from what I'm reading a POA is only good when the person it is about is alive, when that person dies the POA dies with them. But in the meantime he can wipe her out. He already has taken out 2 loans and won't pay them back and my mothers name is the contact person on those loans. So now she is getting phone calls from the collection agencies trying to collect. He never has taken care of her, I've had to threaten him to take her to her doctors appointments, he never fed her until the last month and then he eats the food I was buying for her. He has blocked his siblings on his cell phone and won't speak to anyone. He doesn't even speak to my mother, he leaves her notes on the kitchen table asking her for money. When I did visit her and spoke to him he put his fingers in his ears and yelled at my Mom, "mommy tell her to stop"! Sorry but I don't think that is appropriate conduct for a 63 yr old man. He is mental. I will be talking with APS about filing a charge against him. He can't take care of himself besides let alone take care of my mother!!
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So your mentally "deranged" brother has been living with and caring for your elderly mother for years now, which obviously nobody had an issue with, until The Will came up. Now brother re-heats a tv dinner 3 days in a row to serve to mother and puts his fingers in his ears and yells mommy when he doesn't like what's being said. This is the same man who was married and now divorced, I take it. He's now the villain in this melodrama, mother is his innocent victim, and you are the ever-diligent daughter living 1000 miles away who managed to spend 1 day with mom while she was very ill but sent Insta Cart groceries to her home now and again. That "mental" brother ate. Is that right?

Why is it the only time siblings get involved with their elderly parents and start wars with their other siblings is when MONEY is on the table? I always wonder that. Why brother wasn't deranged before now, or why mother didnt need a better caregiver, or why nobody else intervened or advocated for her until The Will came up? It leads one to think nobody cares about MOM but just moms MONEY. Very sad.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 29, 2023
Yep! This is exactly why Alva and I posted what we did.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ sparked this conversation! Mom’s welfare doesn’t seem to be the priority.
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We can all see who the mentally unstable one is, thanks.

He served her TV dinners? Damn, what did the Police say?

You're only worried that you might not be getting inheritance. Pathetic. If he's your mother's caretaker then he deserves it.
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justadecision Dec 29, 2023
It's not the tv dinners, I ordered her frozen tv dinners all of the time but reheating one for 3 days in a row and seeing that she won't eat it is a problem. She probably weighs 80 lbs right now. My big dog weighs 106!!! I have had the police do a wellness check in the past since the phone rang off the hook and my brother wouldn't answer his cell phone. The police called me back and told me that she was ok but that my brother is a little strange!! Inheritance, no, I don't need anything from her but it's the point that he never helped her until now when she is getting bad. She claims that twice she was thrown to the ground in the house, she told me that someone from behind grabbed her and threw her, this about a big 350lb bully brother throwing around an 80 lb 91 yr old woman!!!
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We had a very similar situation come up quite a while ago. Then the main issue was that the non-caring siblings had found out that resident brother was likely to have rights to continue living in the house, so that the other siblings couldn’t sell it and get the goodies. Now it’s this ‘will’ and the TV dinners, plus eating left-overs. But quite possibly the same brother and mother?
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justadecision Dec 29, 2023
She currently has no will. I helped her fill one out but when she went into the hospital it disappeared. My brother that lives there took it I'm sure.
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I have a brilliant suggestion for you! Go live with your mom for a significant amount of time and then come back and speak with us.

I was in a situation where I was criticized by my siblings. I got so fed up with it that I passed the baton to my older brother.

I told mom to move in with my brother since they both felt that I wasn’t doing enough, even though I was doing all that I possibly could.

I walked away and allowed my brother to see for himself just what I went through.

My mom knew that I did my very best while caring for her. For some reason, she would occasionally pit my siblings and I against each other. She apologized to me for her behavior. I forgave her.

Lo and behold, my brother apologized to me and we healed our relationship. Not one word was spoken about money for us. Every penny was spent on my mother’s care.

I give my brother credit because he did an amazing job with Mom, while still maintaining his own life as best he could.

Mom realized that she needed more care than any of her children could ever give her. She prayed nightly for an answer. We found a hospice care home for her to move into. She died in 2021.

In November of this year. my brother died. I’m proud to say that we grew very close to one another. I miss him terribly.

Life is too short for all of this foolishness. Do what is best for your mother. Make that your priority. Hopefully, the rest will fall into place.

Wishing your family peace.
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AlvaDeer Dec 29, 2023
Wise advice. Pay a visit. Figure out how to help all involved.
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“ I’m at a loss as to how to change that document back to her original will …”

How about being more worried about using Mom’s money for getting her into a facility for care if you are worried that your brother isn’t feeding her properly ? “

It seems no one is putting the mother’s safety first .

Your mother isn’t dead yet , therefore there is no inheritance yet . Your mother’s money is for her care .

If your mother is competent she can leave everything to her one son if she wants to . Maybe she wants to make sure he isn’t homeless .
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AlvaDeer Dec 29, 2023
Gotta say, unless this gal owns a farm (and well she may, and lord only knows what land is worth now) she likely has little left for all of them to bicker over.
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So brother takes care of Mom 24/7?
Does he have any additional caregivers, respite, help with cleaning, cooking?
Caregiver burnt out is real and can manifest itself in many ways.
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Just a decision,

I read a recent reply where you said you suggested having mom live with or near you. If you are willing to do that , perhaps see an elder care lawyer and seek guardianship of your mom .
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Has anyone asked Mom what she wants? Where she wants to live? Who with?

If family have concerns & the live-in son/caregiver is excluding others, call APS to check.

APS (I assume) can do an initial check of Mom's living situation & see if further investigation regarding any evident or suspected or abuse/neglect is needed. Work with them.

Sometimes a caregiver gets overwhelmed & burnt out. Sometimes the caregiver has there own health issues, physical or mental health or is not equiped with the skills to stepup into a more hands-on elder care role. In these cases a social worker service can suggest & help get paid home health aides in to help. Sometimes that is enough to make the household work & keep the occupants safe, fed & bathed.

Repeat visits from APS will show if the home health services have been kept or shut out. They can help identify barriers to accepting in-home care & help overcome. They can esculate if needed.

The least restrictive way is chosen first. Certainly.no-one is being hauled off into care, sectioned or removed without the process of respecting peoples rights & the law.

I'm not sure what result the OP wants.
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So the bro from Cal is visiting and didn't intervene when a 3 day old, triple reheated TV dinner was served? Hmmmm?
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Fawnby Dec 29, 2023
Maybe California brother ate it himself.
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If mental brother is a danger to himself or others, you could Baker Act him if it’s in Florida. This is an involuntary hold and mental assessment. Other states have similar methods, but they use a different name for it. Research it to see if that’s a possibility and fits the situation.
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