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I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. My mom (96) who has dementia but otherwise in good health. She’s been in assisted living level 1 for almost 2 yrs, not in memory care. This hurts my heart so much as I know it will upset her greatly. I would like to hide it as much as I can, but this is going to affect my visits and I know she’ll be aware that I’m not the same. I live an hour away and in Canada, she’s in Michigan. I’ve been helping her with some things like giving her regular manicures, pedicures, washing and cutting her hair, she alway wears a wig, I’ve even brought her to my house for holidays in the past for a couple days. I know that will have to stop soon. As hard as this diagnosis is for me, it’s especially difficult with worrying about my mom. She only has me and my older brother who really never had the relationship with her that I had, and can’t do these things for her, he takes care of all her financial things, he’s her POA, but that’s all he’s capable of doing. As far as friends and relatives…nope, on one else to step up. I don’t know what to do.

If it was me, I wouldn't tell my 96 old mother who has dementia. It would only devastate her when you tell her, and then she would forget. So what good would it do for you to tell her? Thankfully she is in a good, safe place where people are caring for her.
Find other options for communicating with mom, send flowers, candy, or a brief letter filled with your love that makes her happy. Also, consider Zoom/skype calls with her - is there staff at her facility that could arrange this for her?
- Could your brother step up more actively with her until you can?
As far as your feelings on guilt, sounds liked you'd feel this regardless whether you tell her or you don't. Find ways to jettison the guilt. You're doing your best!
Best wishes.
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Reply to LostinPlace
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I think if she is as you say “ going to be aware “ that things are different , you will have to tell her something to explain .

If she was more forgetful and not able to remember how often or what you did during your visits she would not notice so much .

Would it be possible to hire a companion to visit Mom sometimes , sort of fill in the gap ?

I wish I had a better answer .
You have to take care of yourself .
Mom is being taken care of .
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Reply to waytomisery
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I cannot imagine hiding this from my Mom. I had cancer of the breast with spread to two lymph nodes first 37 years ago last May. I had chemo and mastectomy. There new would have been a single reason TO tell her. I felt fine throughout treatment and I didn't lose my hair. But I cannot imagine NOT telling something that important.
I don't know how advanced her dementia is. I would tell her, tell her you are getting treatment and the doctor thinks you will "be just fine". Tell her that whether it is true or it is not true. And on you go.

To tell you the honest truth she will not be standing witness to your treatment and worries as she would be were she not having dementia. And even at that our family can do just fine with us dealing with this. In fact my best supporters were the most humorous ones.

I now have another what they consider primary cancer, after all these years. It's in the other breast. I am 82 and will not be doing chemo; I had a lumpectomy and will get mastectomy for any noted spread. Otherwise for me it's palliative, Hospice and our good right to die laws. TRUST ME, if you have to go there are so many worse ways. There are good drugs for cancer and real choices, and with so many things--dementia for sure--there just aren't choices.

My vote goes to telling but I will say that YOUR vote is the only one that matters here and you know your mom well, much better than me. My own Mom was real good with all of it. If you suspect this is too distressing, don't tell. And I think with dementia, the fact that your visits are off a bit will be less a concern. And I think you will not only be able to do them but that they will bring you joy.

Good luck. MANY of us with the big C on this site, both currently and in the past. You aren't alone.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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In the spring I had a biopsy to determine if I had cancer. I didn't tell my mother about any of it and carried on after the biopsy as if nothing had happened. When I got the results (I'm negative) I breathed a sigh of relief and didn't tell my mom after that either. My mother is a worry wart about everything and If I had told her she would of course pester me for any and all updates on my diagnosis. If I cough around her I have TB, Black Death, etc. I'm on two years of monitoring, and If I told her, she would want to go with me to the appointments and be in the room with me. I'm not going to have that happen.

I would not tell your mother until it's necessary.
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Reply to Jhalldenton
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Beatty Sep 17, 2024
"..pester me for any and all updates on my diagnosis".

".. she would want to go with me to the appointments and be in the room with me."

This is EXACTLY what is happening with my folks. She is anxious ++ wants every detail, attend every appointment. Due to short term memory &/or OCD wants to go over the same stuff all.the.time.

I get she wants to know. But has the asking & pestering offered any real support to him..? No.

"If I cough around her I have TB, Black Death, etc."
My MIL is just like this, leading us to only disclose tests if diagnosed & once treatment plans made. Again, the worry does not bring support.
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If she has any memory impairment she might not retain it and then you'd have to tell her over and over. So, you will need to decide how good (or impaired) her memory is. My MIL has mild/mod dementia and short-term memory loss and it took her a long time to stop asking about where her deceased husband is. Then she re-mourned every time. I wish you wisdom, good health and peace in your heart whatever you decide.
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Reply to Geaton777
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It sounds like your mom is still relatively cognizant.
In this case I would tell her what you know and that things may have to change a bit.
You might even want to start getting her hair done at the salon that the facility has. You do what you can when you can and either let some things slide or let someone else do some of the things that might be a bit more difficult for you.
Maybe enjoying the holiday with her instead of bringing her to your house.
Again...do what you can when you can. You can't do more. I am sure that if your mom did not have dementia and she was fully aware of what you are going through she would totally understand and probably tell you that you are being a bit silly in worrying about her at this time. 🙏 You got this!
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You know your Mother best, so trust your gut.

You have to balance the awful burden of keeping it from her VS telling & upsetting you both.

Also very much consider how much she will retain. Will this become an endless loop of worry & talk for her? Will that help you? Or will the information fade quickly? So if you want to discuss each visit it means introducing it fresh each time?

My extended family did this recently. They broke the news BUT slowly & thoughtfully.
. After the person with the dx had time to absorb & get used to the idea.
. Used the truth, but a little minimised. Eg The Doctor said I have some X. I going to take some pills & maybe have some other treatments as well.
. Then the topic was dropped.

This seemed to work well. For everyone. The person with Ca was not keep burdened to hide their truth. The other had such fading memory it didn't cause distress.

I think a big part of sharing news is the vulnerability. Is the receiver going to be supportive? But even the most memory or cognitively impaired person can offer a smile or hug!

Debbie, maybe a hug from your Mom will be enough! 🩷

Then I hope you can look for & find other everyday support. (((Hugs)))
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Reply to Beatty
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I made the mistake of telling my mother w dementia about my husband needing a liver transplant back in 2022. I only told her bc we'd be leaving to go to another state for an undetermined amount of time. First she decided he was fine and didn't need a new liver at all, that his cancer dx was wrong. Then she proceeded to work herself up into a state of anxiety about it to where it became HER problem and not ours. She had a tendency to do this, so I should've known better and kept the "conversations" to weather related matters and how small the meals were in her Memory Care Assisted Living.

Ultimately, mom passed away 1 month before we were called to Az by the Mayo Clinic. I should never have said anything.The goal is to keep them calm, after all.

Best of luck with your treatments.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I just read through the advice you’ve received so far, and from it I can only see to decide how well you know your mother’s current cognition and emotional state. None of us can venture to know that. If you believe this will be endlessly distressing to her, and perhaps have to be retold over and over, it would be a kindness not to share. If you see her being upset, but still able to process and adapt, then tell her. You can then plan for alternatives to some of your usual routines. In any case, focus on your recovery, I wish you healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Many years ago, when I had breast cancer I didn't tell my parents, who were still living in their house on their own and in their 90's. If I did, I would hear helicopter blades overhead for months on end.
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Peasuep Sep 17, 2024
Hahahahah! (I’m not being callous; I too am a bc survivor but I told my mom; I spent a year drowning in See’s candy!
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Do you know what your course of treatment will be? If you don’t yet know, I would try to sit tight before making a decision about whether you will tell her or not. Treatment is different than it was 20 years ago when I was diagnosed and each person’s cancer experience is different too. Not everyone requires chemotherapy and not every chemo drug is administered or behaves the same. Radiation causes fatigue and it’s disruptive to your schedule but you may be able to work around it. Surgical procedures and recovery times vary.

If you have already been given a plan and know that your treatment will keep you from doing all the sweet things you do for your mom, you will have to decide which will hurt her worse, seeing you enduring, (because sometimes ‘enduring’ is the most you may be able to muster), or possibly finding out that you chose to endure it, alone. As others have said, only you know your mom well enough to predict her reactions.

I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be when you are both caring for your mom and trying to care for yourself.
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Reply to Peasuep
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I think if you have to ask this question, then you most likely already know the answer, and perhaps just looking for confirmation. You know your mother and yourself best. Follow your heart.

I'm very sorry to hear of your condition. I wish you a successful treatment and recovery!
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Reply to SOS369
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Wait until the time comes when you must change any routine you have with her. Then I would keep it simple. I have a Dr. appt. And won’t be there today. I am not feeling well and need to stay home for a while. I’m having some health issues and won’t make if for a visit for a few weeks. Take one day at a time. Let her caregivers know what you are telling her so they will not discuss it and give her any anxiety or just tell her caregivers the same thing. They do not need to know details either.
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Reply to RetiredBrain
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DebbieSG Sep 22, 2024
Yes!!! Omg thank you for mentioning that about the caregivers and other staff as they’ll probably figure it out. That would be a disaster.
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You could send her into a panic with her thinking the worse then your stress levels are going to go thru the roof which is the worse thing for cancer- plus the mental damage it could do to your mum
wsit until you must
i. The meantime concentrate on you and looking after yourself
we e had a lot of people in work with cancers and it’s a slow process getting better changing your eating habits and reducing all stress so fir now concentrate on that
saying that only you know your mother better than anyone else and if she could handle such news
If she can then maybe
mum I’ve got a tumour and they will need to operate so I may not be able to visit as often sort of thing
speak to your mothers doctor
see what they’re advice is
I’m sure it would be spot on
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Reply to Jenny10
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Wait to see how your treatment plan may affect your schedule with your mother. You can let her know there may be some interruptions to your visits. Closer to holiday time, you can determine how much you can or cannot do with her. She does not need and may not comprehend a detailed, or even specific, diagnosis of your breast cancer. With Dementia she is unlikely to understand possible future changes in your visits with her. When you are leaving after a visit, tell her you'll see her "next week" or "next month"--whatever is applicable. You don't need to elaborate on the visits you will not make.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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I'm very sorry to hear that you have breast cancer. Your own health needs come first. Do not tell your mother about your diagnosis as it will upset her for that moment, and she will forget afterwards. Do you, perhaps some of your friends, have POA for her? Does not have to be relatives.
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Reply to Patathome01
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DebbieSG Sep 22, 2024
Unfortunately it’s just myself and my older brother who is in his mid 70’s. I’m not going to tell her, I’m going to try to hide it if I can or just play it down as she’ll see the visible effects of my treatments. Yes, she will not take it well and I would never want that. I had to tell her why I couldn’t visit last week, said I had caught a bug…she immediately got upset and wanted to take care of me. She has no clue that she has dementia, just forgetfulness. It’s so heartbreaking, she was the best person you’d ever want to take care of you if you were sick, she was a very loving/caring mom and friend.
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So truly sorry for your diagnosis..I just got one 3 days ago that has changed my mom schedule already and may make some activities difficult. ..I plan to visit when I feel good..I will say I have a meeting to attend if I need to leave..A parent that old does not need added stress to advanced years.. and we need to put ourselves first when our health needs attention. She has others to keep her spirits up. Good Luck!!
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Reply to Sadinroanokeva
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Prayers.
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Reply to Babs2013
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My mum became really worried about me and my daughter in her early days of dementia. I did have a cancer scare (it was a false alarm, thankfully) at the start of lockdown. I kept it from her because I knew that it would make her worry. If the further tests had proved it was cancer, I would still have kept it from her. Anxiety was becoming quite an issue and it could be difficult to ease her mind.

Later, when she stopped caring so much about others, it wouldn't have worried her to the same extent, although it would still have upset her, but she wouldn't have been able to retain the information. So, talking about it would not have been productive, as she would be shocked anew, each time it was mentioned.

You know your mum best. My gut reaction would be to not tell her because you can't control how she reacts and, being so far away, you can't easily comfort her if she becomes distressed and isn't capable of reasoning away her anxiety. But, you have to do what you feel is right.

In the meantime, start making changes now, so that it isn't so obvious if you have to make changes.

You might want to tell your mum that you're getting treatment for an illness without mentioning cancer. To the older generation, it was so feared that it was referred to as the C word.

My best wishes for your treatment and recovery.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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MiaMoor Sep 22, 2024
Btw, I know you wouldn't tell your mum over the phone, but I meant if she became agitated and distressed about your diagnosis after you'd returned home.
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I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis. May Godspeed for a quick healing. Don’t tell your mother. If she has dementia she will have no notice of time passing.
I was going every day, then I was going every other day then I was going twice a week, she didn’t notice. Take care of yourself.
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Reply to Wilson32
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Aww Debbie xx
So sorry to read your sad diagnosis x please take care and look after you, please xx remember the most important thing now for you and your beautiful, tender mom is “less stress is always best” x so I would not share any of your diagnosis, does she need to know? Please think long and hard….it might be because you need your mom right now 💕

Deb it might be you want to share with Mom because it might help you to share and have your beautiful Mom’s love returned because you need your Mom right now, and this would help you xx As our roles reverse you must try to stay strong and protect your Mom just now 💕 Please at this time, think of Mom and what it might do to her, you might regret telling her such sad news, she might not be strong enough to receive this worry from her beautiful baby girl 💕 Stay strong and discuss with your brother, rely on him for a shoulder to help you and please give Mom some peace and rest at her tender time 💕 if Mom notices differences in you, please play it down and just let her know everything is ok and you are busy with routine appointments 💕 thinking of you and all you’re going through, all your wonderful friends on this amazing site will help you through sad times and please remember to keep what you have with Mom now, because she will look at you with love in her eyes and will be sad because she cannot make it right for her baby girl and you might regret sharing with Mom and that is not something you want to feel on top of all you’re going through right now ….💕…please take care and look after you when you can and please remember as you get stronger (which you will 🥰) mom will stay strong with you 💕 xx
Sending lots of (hugs) and cuddles….🥰

plus….brother might step up a little differently if he knows you cannot provide the loving care you do just now…cross that bridge as it arises and not anytime sooner 🥰 take care and stay strong you will have this, you will fight through xxx
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Reply to Heartwrenching
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DebbieSG Sep 22, 2024
Thank you for your heartfelt reply. All this really heartbreaking on top of being so scared for myself and my family. I’m not going to tell her because I’m certain it will cause her great distress. I’ll do my best to hide the effects of my treatments (I will lose my hair all over) and downplay things as much as I can. My mom was the most loving and caring person you’d ever meet. That quality is still in there, when it comes to myself and my brother, but my brother didn’t have the close relationship with her that I once did even though she lived in Florida for 30 yrs.
Thank you again, your response was truly sincere and I greatly appreciate that ❤️
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I am so sorry for your diagnosis
I hope you recover quickly. 🙏 I personally would tell her that you may not be visiting as frequently as normal for a temporary time because you have to attend preventative therapies for something caught early. Try to be as positive as you can for both yours and your mom's sake. Positive vibes to you and your mom. Keep moving forward. You can beat this!!!
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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Ask yourself what the benefit is to tell her.

I do not personally see any benefit.
Telling her will upset and worry her.

You can find volunteers through churches, volunteer organizations to help with some of the caregiving needs.

Contact Senior Services Dept through City Hall / local government.

Important to take care of yourself, first.

If your mother financially qualifies for government benefits, use them.
You can hire an ind social worker (or others) who knows these benefits / options inside and out. Get the professional help / support you need.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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LakeErie Sep 24, 2024
Where are these churches and volunteer organizations that provide Caregivers? I have never been able to find this, and in my opinion this is a myth.
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DebbieSG: Prayers sent.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Prayers to you for a speedy recovery. At 96 Mom has her own daily challenges. Some things are better left unsaid. Tell Mom you are working on some preventative doctor visits on yourself.

Be kind to yourself. Continue to put the oxygen mask on yourself first as you oversee care for Mom.
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Reply to brandee
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The assisted living should have a beauty salon available and also should have someone who handles manicures and pedicures.

Prayers on your treatments and recovery.
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Reply to brandee
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If she has dementia, no. She could get stuck in a loop about it causing her distress over and over. I’d slow the visits gradually so she doesn’t really notice. If you go three times a week now … go twice a week so that becomes her new normal for a while. Is there a trusted staff member you can ask to keep an eye on her and let you know if she seems more distraught with less visits? Once you are healed, you can ramp them back up.
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Reply to Lmkcbz
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What would be the point to tell her. She will be upset, then she will forget you told her. If you have a treatment that causes hair to fall out, just get some cute scarves so loss of hair doesn't frighten her. When you can't visit, just tell her you aren't feeling well - she may be worried, but then again, she may forget what you said a short time later.

Depending on stage of your own issue, it may not change your plans to visit. Perhaps dr and medical visits will take up more time and that will make visits less, but many people have no real issues with treatment and go to work daily.
Hoping that you have very few side effects on this journey you are taking!

Talk to older brother about helping financially (with mom's money or his) to do the personal tasks for mom. Very possible there is a beauty salon quite close or visits the facility that could handle nails, hair, etc. Maybe brother could even collect her to get her to family gatherings and return her to facility. It can be important for all of you to gather as often as you can.
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Reply to my2cents
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MaryKathleen Sep 25, 2024
Many places have a stylist that comes to the facility. When I was in a facility recovering from my stroke, they had someone who came in. My problem was my daughter, who is a stylist, cuts my hair and she would have had a fit if I let someone else cut my hair. They also have someone to cut your nails both on hands and feet.
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You have to do what is right for you.
First and foremost as any caregiver take care of your health.
Mom is 96, she will survive being on her own.
Is mani/ pedi more important? Someone else can do it or her hair.
You tell her in non specific terms that you are sick and won’t be visiting. I am sorry, it is reality you are facing, there are worse things than being alone.
Wishing you strength and peace.
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Reply to Evamar
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Tell her the truth. Let her know that you'll have less energy with some treatments. Reassure her that you love her and will continue to do whatever you can. Try to keep visiting her as often as you currently do.
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